This week back at school has literally been a huge anxiety factor. Our school isn't changing much about the sanitary protocol changes.
Masks are mandatory like social distances but the social distance can hardly be respected in such small classes.
I have a lot of tests this week and a lot of work to do when i am back at home. I am only one person and it's so hard to handle all of this.
Logan has classes online, so he stays at his parents, which is actually better for him, he has a garden, fields and place to breath instead of staying in a small condo in the middle of Tours.
I trust a little less Logan since he didn't tell me things right now and it's not getting better.
I ask him if he's up for a call he said sure but that he'll not be free later on.
So of course I feel bad, it's not just a gut feeling, it's so many factors making it so that I know that he's not only taking me for granted but he's as well getting less and less interested. LIke some people would say it's just the comfortable phase of the couple, but I miss the awkward and 4 hours phone calls phase of the relationship.
All of this is making me really sad and upset. I wish he would tell me his feelings, or at least develop a little his sentences. I am tired of always making the first move. I am tired of being the only one working like a dog to keep this relationship going.
I wish I could tell him this but it is all just too unbearable to face, because i know deep down that he won't give an answer, he'll stay silent, not saying anything, making myself feel bad or he'll just find a reason to break up with me as soon as he can.
Now with this I get up for school with this lump in my throat determined to not be the first one to talk today.
At around 10 am in latin class he sends a few of his friends and I a snap that I don't bother replying to.
A few minutes later he sent me a goodmorning text, one to which I gladly responded just a hi, And so on for the day, I was not cold but not as normal hoping he'd notice which he didn't.
People say that you reap what you saw but i've given love, attention and care and all i've gotten so far is not much...
Are we still going to be together by April ? are we still going to be a real couple by then..
I don't want to change him, I just want him to act like When we weren't even a couple, like we were in may/June.
I know that he is just a guy, and that I shouldn't expect much, but for some time he brought me so much happiness and I felt like nothing could bring me down.
He was my rock. But now, he's the reason for my sadness and my times falling asleep wondering if I am enough or too much.
Is it my imagination or something I am taking ? fake smiling to him. It's like the change in the weather, you physically feel this problem and it not only physically hurts you but it deep down inside hurts. I wonder how for him everything is great. Most nights I hardly sleep.
Often I am upset, about this and the smallest kind of attention from him would make me a little bit more happy.
Is he tired of me ? I swear when I am ready i will do it. I will free myself from those chains.
Those bittersweet chains locking me in a happy/unhappy relationship. As I think about all this,laying down in my bed , listening to the playlist I made for us, I feel tears menacing to fall down. I have to keep inside, at least until I know no one can hear me. The walls around are closing on me, the lights are turning off.
My breath is starting to shake, like my hands. My chest is pressured as if someone was sitting down on it.
My heart is pounding so hard I feel it in my legs and neck. It's been so long since I have had this feeling. I wanted to forget this. Make a new beginning with Logan. I am trying my best but everyday is so hard. I am holding my breath until I can say all that I am feeling in front of him.
Cry into his arms, and have his hand wipe my tears or just him looking helpless.
Letting me cry and letting me go. I often see myself, walking out his apartment door, and walking to the park near his building.
Letting all the tears fall down in the night, no one around to hear my heart breaking. Packing all my stuff and walking out this city that once was a memory of happiness.
I wrote this letter to him, a letter he'll probably never receive.
dear logan ,
listen, suddenly it all feels like it's slipping away.
I was broken once, I was raped once, scared once and I am not willing to let my heart on the line to be broken and hurt once again even in a different way.
Couldn't you tell me in the beginning that you didn't want me ? So I wouldn't be scared now.
You know well my insecurities, how I am scared you'd leave me for anyone.
So any sign I analyze it.
Little silly things such as a good morning text matter. Yesterday you sent me the first text and this alone makes my heart happy.
I don't need a lot .
Last time I saw you, I felt it. I saw you wiped your hands on the covers after I caressed you. You were so cold and distant. Daydream is what the world feels like right now. I wish I could wake up.
My mind whispers to me all the time that it is not right that I should overthink it.
I don't want to go through all that again. I am needy but it's not an all time attention I need. It's from time to time and I miss you text or just anything to prove you care.
If I am too much to handle, that is just myself and I am certainly not apologizing for being this way.
If you can't deal with me... Well, I am going to find someone who will.
A woman, A man, met in a bar, met at school, who'd be willing to deal with me.
I will be with someone different than you, but will hope they have a part of your personality, like your smile, the way your eyes brighten up when your laugh, your dad jokes or anything that reminds me of you
Oh yes, this laugh of yours that could warm up any cold and empty space.
In a way If you leave, I will thank you. You did so much for me than anyone could have asked for.
You brought me happiness in the darkest of my times and gave me the opportunity to meet a wonderful person. A person I now care deeply about. We have bounded over so many things. Over you but most of all we created a friendship of our own. She'd still be a person I'll care about. Her laugh and our funny and not so funny conversations.
Our feminine problems, our pregnancy scares.
There is that one person that'll be the person that will own a little bit of my heart. I am glad to say it was you. Because although I ain't the easiest person you were here.
Goodnight Logan.
I love you
Julia.
Sometimes, I yearn for the tiniest bit of attention, of love, and I catch myself saying it is not right and that I have to make it right.
Maybe if I show more attention, love any sort of care for me. This is not normal, back in the beginning, we would spend hours on facetime, laugh and he would try his best to keep the conversation going. u
Now he doesn't even try or bother to send a goodmorning text. I wish I was heard, like I was in the beginning, I wish I was reassured like I was in the beginning. I wish he would care a little more, just a little would be enough for me to know everything is going to be alright.
Today was a pretty good day, as for now I still hide how I feel towards Logan and still don't know how to.
For the moment i act like nothing's wrong and maybe i will start to believe it. I decided to not talk to him for the day and ask him to do my snapchat streaks for a while.
The next day I texted him first because i was thinking he will never do it and I finally said what was on my mind : " listen, i feel like if I don't start a conversation or say hi first nothing will happen"
"Since you didn't want to talk today I figured it would be better
-No, I mean a text wouldn't hurt , if anything I wouldn't have answered but a goodmorning text feels so good it makes me think you thought about me.
-Yeah but i know that for me when i ask someone to not talk to me for the day I prefer to start the conversation myself. I thought it would be the same for you.
- Well now you know it isn't so please whatever the situation i absolutely love when you send the first text, it makes me feel cared for and loved.
-Duly noted !"
I just hoped he'd actually remember it. But for the whole day his text was so dry and it was just annoying "I don't know, keep the conversation going, say something, anything. or you know what just let it go"
That's what I said and for the rest of the evening I just was as cold as he was but on my snapchat, hopefully he'd notice it.
I said goodnight to him that night but once again he didn't put any heart, I know it is silly but it matters. I also reminded him that things such as goodmorning texts first are important and are great.
The next day I woke up feeling hyped up and energetic, dancing to bad bitches songs and I sent a cute goodmorning text to him out of my happy mood.
An hour later he wakes up and answers goodmorning with a cute emoji.
This made me happy and hyped up for my PE class in which I exploded my record at the 200 meters.
The rest of the day went by pretty quickly and great. I was happy about this day and after a long talk with my best friend Anna, I decided to be more crazy towards Logan and send cute ways to be cute but he is so oblivious and so blind that he doesn't notice those were openings for him to be cute and funny.
I just am cold for the rest of the evening and let it go and just give up because to be brutally honest I don't care anymore, if he doesn't have the necessary energy for the relationship to work I don't know why I should bother.
So, from now on I have decided to only give the same energy he does, because a relationship is made with efforts from both sides and is important.
Don't want to talk about him so I just talk to Anna for the whole day and talk with Johanna during lunch time the next day.
"I mean, I had a complete mental breakdown , i couldn't dress or anything without crying and it was awful because I felt empty and this broke my heart.
I get what you say this happened to me not so long ago, I say, This pressure you feel on your chest and just need to cry it all out.
Yes and sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in you know, The society wants to make a citizen out of me. But when I'm at school I feel somewhat good but once I am back home, I feel oh so empty, Johanna Said with a serious look and concerned I respond
Well take in my pencil case my passiflora, it is good to help this feel don't worry it's Homeopathy."
She took it and I hoped it'd help her because seeing her like this made me feel so bad and we shouldn't feel like this, to feel this empty shouldn't be a habit.