"W-what happened?" My voice was barely audible, nothing more than a whisper.
There were shards of glass stuck in my throat and I couldn't breathe. My heart was pounding, I wondered if anyone could hear it. I could feel it fluttering against my chest.
Every inhale and exhale physically hurt. I was suffocating from the silence and I had to remind myself that I was still here. Alive. My heart was still beating. I wasn't dreaming. I couldn't wake up.
I was here. I was here. I was here.
I somehow recognized Elijah walking towards me. I was frozen in place as he gently kneeled down in front of me, and I was suddenly left staring into his red-rimmed eyes. The steel gray color that was usually so dark and hard, now looked lifeless and empty, and I couldn't look away.
"Come here," his voice was soft, something I wasn't used to hearing these days. He tried to bring me closer to him, but I shoved his hands away.
"W-what?" I choked on my words, my eyes blurring as the lump forming in my throat grew. "Tell me what happened. Why are– why are the police..."
I couldn't bring myself to finish and there were tears streaming down my face, but I barely felt them. I quickly wiped them away. When Elijah tried to hold me, I pushed him away violently once again, and rushed over to Caleb.
He still had his hand on Kaiden's back. Ethan stood unmoving, almost like he was spaced out as he stared at a spot at the floor. He didn't even look like he was breathing.
Why wasn't Kaiden opening his eyes? I wanted to scream at him to open his eyes and look at me.
I didn't understand. What was happening?
"Caleb," I grabbed his free arm and wrapped my hands around it, my eyes wildly searching his hazy ones. He stared back at me wordlessly. "Caleb, what happened? Where did she go?"
When he didn't respond, I shook him harder. "Caleb, answer me," my voice cracked.
"Did she come back? Did they find her?"
"She was supposed to pick me up, did they find her?"
"Why won't anyone answer me!"
All my questions remained unanswered. It was like I hadn't even spoken. Could they even hear me? Was anyone listening?
The house was silent, the only audible sounds were of the police officers speaking and some of the other men scattered around. I felt a few eyes on me, but I ignored them.
"Why won't you answer me?" I screamed again. This time, I slammed my hands down onto his chest and all he did was briefly shake his head and close his eyes.
Like he couldn't bring himself to say the words.
I felt an arm wrap around my waist and pull me back, but I kept my eyes on Kaiden. He still wasn't looking at me, no one was.
"Elijah," I spun around in his arms as he knelt down again in front of me, keeping a strong hold around me. "What happened? Why is no one telling me where Soph is?"
"Izzy..." he trailed off, and I tried everything I could to make him let go of me, but he was holding on too tight.
When I finally managed to meet his eyes, I went limp in his arms. Nothing needed to be said.
I blinked, staring at him, speechless. My eyes searched his for answers, but they wouldn't give me any. My hands were shaking and there was the faint sensation of something beginning to ache in my chest. Something that wouldn't leave for a long time now.
It hurt to swallow. It hurt to breathe.
"Isabella," he whispered into my hair when he pulled me onto his lap and he was saying something, but I couldn't hear. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." His voice cracked at the end.
"No." My lower lip trembled as I barely managed to make out the words. "No, she was supposed to pick me up, we were supposed to..." I trailed off.
She was going to pick me up. We were going to go to the city. I was going to spend time with my sister.
I chanted the words to myself in my head, over and over. I refused to focus on anything else.
"Elijah." I didn't recognize my voice. Why did I sound so numb? I picked my head up off his shoulder and he looked down at me. I could barely see. "She isn't gone. You're wrong. She's coming back, we were going to go–"
"I'm so sorry." His words were gentle, yet unforgiving as he tightened his hold around me. I wanted him to let go, but he didn't. I was trapped, I couldn't get out.
She was going to pick me up.
My eyes began stinging, but I blinked because I refused to cry. I wouldn't cry.
We were going to go to the city together.
She was going to pick me up.
***
I jerked awake with a strangled scream, my heart racing inside my chest as I gasped for air. My hands gripped onto anything I could find to anchor myself back to reality.
You're okay, you're okay, everything is fine. Everything is okay. You're okay.
I repeated the words out loud quietly to myself as I closed my eyes.
I took a few deep breaths, reminding myself that I wasn't stuck in that day that I never wanted to go back to. A day I didn't even want to think about ever again.
When my heart steadied and I could no longer feel it hammering against my chest, I opened my eyes.
I realized I had fallen asleep on the couch, and the TV was still playing some late night show. The house was dark and silent, except for one dim light still blazing in the corner of the living room and I felt sluggish as I sat up against the cushions. A quick look at the clock told me it was close to five in the morning.
The weekend had passed quickly after the party, and now it was Monday morning.
I had school in a few hours, and I knew I wouldn't get any more sleep. I threw the blanket off of me, and forced myself up with a groan as I cracked my neck from the uncomfortable position I'd fallen asleep in.
The floor was cold against my bare feet, and I shivered as I made my way up the stairs. Before I could reach my room, something caught my attention.
Elijah's door was shut, but I could hear a faint voice coming in from inside and I quietly made my way over to stand outside.
I pressed my hands against the wall beside his door and rested my head as close to his door as I could to listen.
"I told you what the consequences would be if this happened again," he growled, and I frowned as I realized he was on the phone.
"What other reason would there be?"
I blinked in surprise at the rage lacing his words, and I wondered who he could be talking about that would make him this mad. I rarely saw him angry.
He chuckled lowly, and I had to lean closer to the door to make out his next words. "Now, if you did your job right, we wouldn't be here right now, would we, Roman?"
Roman? I tried to recall if I'd heard that name around, but I came up with nothing.
"You're going to keep an eye on that fucking cunt before she finds her way to Izzy or Kaiden again, you got it?
I perked up at my name and now I was more curious than ever. I searched my mind for who he could be talking about, but Elijah's next words answered my question.
"You know damn well that Amina's going to try to talk to Kaiden. The only reason she hasn't is because she knew we had eyes on her before you went and fucked it all up," Elijah's voice was calm now, but I could feel the underlying anger still present. There was a pause. "He can't be around her. None of them can."
"No, I won't allow it. I don't care what we have to do to get rid of her."
I was barely breathing as I listened to him talk. Now that my question of who he was talking about had been answered, several others came to mind.
I was too busy thinking at that moment, I failed to really process the last part of what he had said.
Why did he hate Amina so much? And what he said about having eyes on her...
How did he have eyes on her? What did that mean and why? I had so many questions that I had to resist the urge to slam the door open and ask them all, but that would get me nowhere.
I realized that it had gone silent in his room, but I was too late.
Before I could move or react, the door opened and Elijah had barely taken a step out before he saw me.
He paused, his phone still against his ear and I was frozen as his eyes met mine.
"l have to go," he said flatly into the phone before he hung up.
It was silent for a few moments as his eyes kept me stuck in place, and I racked my brain for some excuse or something to say.
I had to think fast before he began asking me what I was doing here.
Before he could speak, I blurted out. "I had a dream about Sophia."
Elijah blinked, and his brows furrowed almost imperceptibly. "What?"
I sucked in a small breath, and bit my lip, shifting on my feet. "I, um, had a dream about that day – that day when I came home and found out..." my voice cracked as I trailed off, bringing my eyes back up to meet Elijah's.
He sighed, running a hand through his dark hair. I watched him quietly, and almost startled in surprise when he extended a hand out to me.
"Come with me."
When I didn't react, he grabbed my hand and pulled me along with him. It suddenly hit me that we were walking towards Sophia's room and I paused. I jerked Elijah back and he stopped, turning to look at me, and he raised his eyebrows in question.
"What are you doing?" My words came out shaky.
His hand tightened around mine and his voice was surprisingly gentle as he spoke. "Just trust me."
I swallowed and shook my head briefly. "I should go to sleep, I have school soon."
Elijah's lips twitched into a knowing smile. "You're gonna be able to sleep?"
I didn't respond and he took that as my answer. Before I knew it, we were inside her room and it felt the same as it did the day I had come a while ago when I had found the note and syringe, but this time, Elijah was with me.
It was freezing in the room. Everything still looked the same and I was afraid to take it all in again.
Memories rushed into my mind and I could picture her here, in this room, like she had never left. It was overwhelming and I felt like I had to sit down. My throat closed up.
It was strange how someone could be gone forever, yet everything that belonged to them could stay behind like they had never left. How the world would move on and time would keep going even though some of us had to live through the same thing each and every day.
Knowing that no matter how much I wished and prayed and hoped, nothing could bring her back. Nothing could bring the rest of my family back. They were just gone. They left.
No warnings, no last chances. Nothing.
It scared me how easily any moment could be your last.
How easily I could lose someone else and I wouldn't be able to stop it.
I wished I had the chance to say goodbye. To tell Sophia that I loved her even if we fought all the time, and I knew that she never wanted to leave. To tell her that things got a little tough sometimes, but we were all making it through.
Little by little, day by day.
I wanted to tell her that I missed her so much that sometimes, I felt like I couldn't breathe. And I was scared that things would never be okay again.
I was afraid that I'd never stop missing her because this was a feeling that I didn't want to live with anymore. It wouldn't leave, and it wasn't getting any easier.
I didn't know if that made me selfish, but it was the truth.
I wanted to tell her that I felt alone, and I needed someone to talk to and that I felt like I was constantly trying to understand why I ended up with less and less people in my life every year.
I could picture my sister so vividly now, it was unbearable to think of how the memories that once had been so good, could end up so awful now. How all the good could end up hurting you at the end of it all.
She would be laying on her stomach on her bed, or sitting at her vanity. She would either have a new book in her hand, lost in her own world, or she would be trying a new makeup look while doing something new with her hair.
Even now, I saw her sitting at the chair, calling me over with a beaming smile on her face as I peeked into her room. I would hesitantly shuffle over to her vanity, looking over the several brushes and shades that lay scattered around.
"Izzy! Come here, let me do your makeup and hair," she would say with excitement lacing her tone, despite the fact that I wasn't even a teenager then, and had little to no idea about the things she liked to do.
We would spend the night with music playing in her room and she would do my makeup and hair. We would try on clothes, and she would let me wear ones that she owned that I liked a lot. We would take pictures, and bake in the kitchen downstairs.
The house felt empty now. It was always so quiet.
"Look." I was shaken out of my thoughts when Elijah held out a picture to me. I hesitantly took it from his hand, glancing up at him.
It was a picture of Elijah, Kaiden, Sophia and me. The lump in my throat was back, and my chest caved as I took a deep breath.
We were all children then. Sophia was holding me, even though she could barely carry me at that point, and she had a huge smile on her face even though I was dangling from her arms, close to falling. Elijah and Kaiden stood around us. In the background, I could see Ethan and Caleb in the middle of running after a ball through the grass. They had refused to be in the picture, too busy with their games.
Everyone looked so happy. I didn't remember the last time we took a picture together.
"Izzy," Elijah began, his voice quiet. I looked up at him through blurry vision, but he wasn't looking at me.
"I'm sorry," he said and I did a double take, my eyebrows furrowing.
"What?"
He briefly closed his eyes, and took a seat on the edge of the bed. I watched him run a tired hand through his hair.
"I'm sorry I didn't stop her," he whispered, and I was shocked at this new side I was seeing. "If I'd stopped her, she wouldn't have been in that car. I should've done better."
Elijah had never been vulnerable with anyone. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
When I didn't respond, he continued, his eyes downcast. "It was my responsibility," he murmured, and his eyes glazed over like he was thinking of something from the past. He rubbed a hand over his jaw.
"I should've known. I could have stopped her from going to that party," his voice was hoarse and I swallowed hard.
"It's not your fault," my voice broke at the end and I pinched my eyes shut momentarily. "You didn't know she was going to–"
No one knew she was going to get into the car.
He met my eyes again, but didn't say anything. They were dark and intense like always, but there was something that surprised me in them.
Was it anger...? Or something like regret? Something else?
I couldn't figure it out.
"Come here," he said suddenly, and I was reminded of the dream I had just earlier when he had said the same thing.
Elijah pulled me into his arms, and I squeezed my eyes shut at the rare embrace. "I love you," he said. "You know that?"
I didn't remember the last time anyone in my family had said those words besides Caleb. I wrapped my arms around his neck, squeezing.
"I love you, too." I managed to say, the words sounding foreign from both of us. My voice was shaking as I said them.
Elijah pulled back, and something passed through his eyes quicker than I could read it. "No matter what?"
Why was he acting so unusual today? This was a side I'd never seen before. These were things he'd never said before.
I nodded. "Of course," I whispered. "We're family."
Elijah smiled, but his eyes were blank, almost glazed over. He seemed like he was thinking of something else. Like he wasn't listening to what I was saying. Or maybe he was; I couldn't tell.
He stood up, and I backed up a step to look up at him. He ran a hand through my hair, and he held my gaze.
"Everything I did was for you," he murmured. "Everything I will do is going to be for you. For this family. You know that, right?"
I smiled because he was right.
He took us in, he made sure we were taken care of, he put a roof over our heads, he made sure all of us got everything we needed. He had raised me in a way despite being so young himself when he had to do it all.
Everything he did was for me. It was for this family.
I just didn't know the true extent of that statement at that time because it never really felt like anything was off.
When Elijah began to move towards the door, I remembered I had to ask him something.
"Wait, Elijah, what were you doing Friday night at Mia's house?" I asked, turning around.
He paused from where he was by the door and twisted around to look at me.
"What are you talking about?"
What?
I blinked and my forehead creased. "Friday night. You were at Mia's house when we came back from the party. You left without answering me in that car..." I trailed off as I remembered the way the car had drove off.
It had been two days. He could not have forgotten.
Elijah cocked an eyebrow. "Sweetheart, I don't know what you're talking about," he said, slowly this time, as if it would help me understand better.
My lips parted in disbelief.
I knew what I saw. He'd asked me if I had fun, and Mia had seen him and–
"You got in that car that was parked on the street and someone else was in the driver's seat," I continued. "You got in the back seat, and you told me to text you what time I'd be home."
Elijah smiled, shaking his head. "Why would I be at your friend's house? You're not making any sense. I was at work Friday."
My mouth went dry. What the hell was he saying?
He'd been there. I'd seen him. He had talked to me.
"Izzy, you hit your head, remember?" Elijah said gently, his gaze studying my face, but I looked away. "You're still recovering from your injury, or it could have been a dream. I don't know what you're talking about."
I dug my nails into the palms of my hands as they hung limply by my sides. I wasn't dreaming.
Why was he saying all this? Why was he saying he hadn't been there? I had seen him with my own eyes. He'd spoken to me.
I shook my head. "No, no, you're thinking of some other day, Elijah. You were there. It was – it was almost three in the morning and..."
I stopped talking because he didn't seem convinced. He was staring at me calmly, like he was waiting for me to finish.
My chest caved as I let out a deep breath. I closed my eyes briefly. "Never mind," I said quietly. "Um, I'm just gonna go back to sleep."
Elijah nodded, the small smile still tugging at his lips. "Good idea. I'll see you tonight," he offered, and walked out without another word.
As soon as the door shut after him, I grabbed my phone and hurriedly dialed Mia's number. I didn't know if she'd be awake, but she usually slept with her phone next to her, so I hoped she'd pick up.
Thankfully, she did and I sighed in relief.
"Hello?" She asked, her voice hoarse and quiet from sleep.
"Mia, I need you to tell me I'm not crazy," I rushed to get straight to the point. "Friday night, after the party, we saw Elijah at your house right? He came out right when we got there. He left in that car?" I asked, slightly breathless.
It was silent on the other end of the phone and I held my breath.
Why wasn't she saying anything?
I remembered her words too. She'd said that Olivia hadn't been home, and we both thought that it was strange how he was there so late at night.
I knew what I saw.
"What do you mean?" She asked quietly.
My heart dropped.
"What do you mean?" I snapped, and began pacing Sophia's room. "He was there! I saw him, so did you. He asked me if I had fun when he came out of your house!" I was almost screaming.
"Izzy, what are you talking about? Why would Elijah be at my house. Olivia wasn't even home."
I went silent.
I didn't know what to say. What could I say?
There was no way.
They were acting as if I'd dreamed of seeing my brother there. I knew what I saw, there was no way I had been dreaming, or hallucinating, or whatever.
Did I hit my head that hard? What the hell was going on? Was something wrong with me?
"I don't get it," I whispered, more to myself than her.
I walked over to Sophia's window and looked outside. It was still dark outside since it wasn't even six in the morning yet, and the street outside was empty. Everything was silent and all the houses were dark, all the lights off.
"Izzy–" Mia began speaking, but I cut her off.
"Mia, I have to go," I said quietly, my throat closing up from the thoughts that swarmed my mind. "I'll see you at school. Sorry for calling so early."
I didn't give her the chance to respond before I hung up.
I knew what I saw.
I chanted the words over and over again in my head for the rest of the day. They didn't leave my mind once. I replayed Friday night in my head in an endless cycle, and every time, I became more sure that I didn't dream of what I'd seen after the party.
I knew what I saw.
I knew what I saw.
***