(ᴊᴊ x ᴊᴏʜɴ ʙ'ꜱ ꜱɪꜱᴛᴇʀ)
I staggered through the door, tripping over the slight dip in the hall as I made my way inside. I was trying to be as quiet as I possibly could, despite the fact that I was tripping over god knows what on my way. It didn't take too long for the realisation to hit that I wasn't alone. My back was turned and I paused, closing my eyes for a second, internally kicking myself for not coming in through my bedroom window.
I turned, slowly facing everyone. Kie, Pope, JJ and John B. Of course every single one of them all happened to be here at 2 in the fucking morning. "Hey." I muttered and smiled at the four of them, which only met me with blank stares. "Okay, well I'll be off to bed now. So goodnight boys." I declared with a tight smile, blatantly ignoring kie's presence. I turned to make my way up the stairs, cringing at the awkward silence that followed.
"Jess get here now." John B said firmly. I paused in my tracks knowing that I had no choice but to follow along. He's not messing around and even in my state I knew that there was no point in ignoring him.
I gave JJ a little smile in hopes for some sympathy. "Hey Jay." My slurred speech wasn't helping my attempts of acting sober and he just frowned at me. I knew charm wasn't gonna get me out of it this time and sent a glare in his direction while I dropped the fake emotion.
I turned my head to look at John B coldly. "Jesus Christ. What do you want? I'm tired." I huffed impatiently. My head was pounding and I had a sickening urge to vomit, this was the last thing I wanted to be doing right now.
"Jess, come on just tell us what's going on?" JJ spoke up and you could really hear genuine emotion in his voice which shook me slightly.
"No. You don't get to talk to me like you care." I whispered.
"I do care." He mumbled to which I pretended not to hear.
"You shouldn't be going out in a dress that short Jess." I heard a mumble from Pope.
"I don't have a father Pope, and I don't fucking need one." I snapped back at him.
"Oh my god shut up." Kie spat. "You sound so stupid right now." I turned my head to glare at her, wishing she would leave. I never got along with Kie, which was unusual being a girls girl. I didn't usually get along with boys so having a girl was nice but it felt like a competition every second. I was more fond of sarah.
"Do you understand how worried all of us have been?" As soon as the words came out of John B's mouth I was irritated beyond words.
"Stop speaking to me like you have authority John B"
"I do have authority Jessica"
"No you don't"
"I'm older"
"Not even a year older"
"Still fucking older"
"Who cares, guys get back to the point" Pope interrupted and both me and John B narrowed our eyes at each other. I glanced back at JJ only now noticing that his face was smeared with dried up blood and a massive bruise swiped across his cheek awfully close to the large cut on his lower lip. I wondered why he hadn't cleaned up the blood but quickly realised it was probably still there to guilt trip me. "Oh god, what happened." I whispered, he didn't say a word and instead turned his gaze towards the ground. I figured it was probably his dad but it always worried me.
"You fucked a Kook, that's what happened." Kie mumbled, shoving past me and walking out the door. Realisation washed over me as I recalled the absolutely awful memory. I screwed Rafe, the Kook that constantly harassed me, and my friends. I fucked up big time and it pained me so much to see the disappointment on everyone's faces but I still showed no remorse.
"Yeah well I have to say, Rafe wasn't too bad in bed.." I mumbled under my breath, snickering. John B stood up from his seat and the rage was undeniably evident on his face. That face kinda scared me if I was being honest because I knew that the next words to come out of his mouth were most likely to be hurtful.
"How fucking could you?" He spat, getting closer to me. I knew he would start yelling sooner or later. "You do realise the reason his face is so fucked up is because of you. Because as per fucking usual Jess, YOU were screwing anyone you set your eyes on." He spat the last word out in disgust. The last sentence stung, and I gulped, flinching only slightly at the raise of his voice. He looked at me with not even an ounce of regret as he watched my shoulders slump.
"What could I possibly have to do with JJ getting into a scrap." I murmured, knowing fine well the uncountable number of things I had done that could result in him starting or getting involved in a fight. "I can't help it if he pisses people off." I stated. Watching the hurt flash across JJ's face made me feel instant regret to the point where tears threatened to fall. Of course they didn't. But knowing JJ, he could probably notice the regret that I held.
"Do you actually have any humanity in there at all Jess? Do you have any remorse going through your fucking brain right now?" John B questioned, interrupting the unbearable silence.
"No." I answered simply, coldly holding eye contact with him. He closed his eyes as if he was holding off hitting me. "I haven't done anything wrong." I stated calmly and heard snickers coming from the other two boys. Instead, John B just took an angry deep breath in.
"The sleeping around? Alcohol, Drugs? Drunk fights and the countless times I've had to bail you out of jail? Ring a bell?" He was right and I knew it, but I genuinely couldn't muster up enough energy to talk about it right now
"Right, well. Goodnight!" I called out while turning on my heel yet again to stumble up the stairs. A hand tightly wrapped around my wrist pulling me back harshly. I yanked it back looking at the slightly red mark left behind on my left wrist. "OW that hurt!"
"Stop running away from your problems. You always run and everyone's sick of it." John B's voice rang loudly through my ears and my hand shot straight to my face, aggressively rubbing the agonising pain I was feeling in my head.
"I'm tired! I just want to sleep, please can we just talk about this tomorrow?" I wasn't lying, I truly was so tired I barely even knew what was coming out of my mouth.
"Look, we're just worried about you! You need to tell us what's going on." Pope was too nice to raise his voice at me and it showed. I couldn't say the same about the other two boys, but they just nodded their heads in agreement.
"Well you don't need to worry Pope. I'm fine. I swear to god I'm fine." I whispered quietly.
"You are clearly not fine Jess!" John's voice boomed yet again, straight through the pain shooting through my head. I'd consumed more than too much alcohol. "Look, we love you okay? We do." His expression went soft, pitying me. I hate it when people give me that look and he knew it.
"Well that's too fucking bad seeing as I don't love you back. I don't love anyone." I lied. He just sighed loudly and slumped back down in his chair.
"I just don't know how to fucking handle you." He whispered under his breath.
"Oh I'm so sorry that I add to your stress. We all know would be easier for everyone, huh? If I was never fucking born? Less of a burden for you. I know you miss dad but honestly I really don't see a difference seeing how he ignored me for the majority of my life that he happened to be here for." My voice cracked as I finished speaking, and I bit my lip hard in attempts not to cry.
The room was so silent you could hear a pin drop. "No actually it's funny." I scoffed, throwing my hands in the air. "See nothing changes. It's always been me. 'the fucking disappointment'. Never you John B. See you were always the perfect child that everyone adored. You don't understand."
JJ eventually broke the silence. "you've never been a burden Jess." His expression had softened back to normal, but he looked hurt. "Why? I can't understand why you're doing all of this."
"No one cares about me! None of you do! "I sleep around because that's all the love I can seem to get, I have nothing to lose so I might as well numb my pain and loneliness through alcohol. And I get in to stupid fights and do stupid, illegal shit because it's the only fun I can fucking get around here! There's your explanation JJ." I had started to feel real, genuine emotion taking over the numbness that came with the drugs and alcohol which had worn off. The three of them just stared at me, speechless with looks of pity that again, I definitely did not want to see. "I'm going to sleep now." I mumbled. My voice cracked and I turned on my heel for the third time to get to my room as I felt a couple tears fall.
Yet again, I felt my arm being yanked back as I was pulled into a hug. I struggled against him before giving up as my emotions started to hit. I hadn't had a hug in a long time and as JJ just pulled me in, wrapping his arms around me, I stopped struggling and sobbed into his chest. His cologne was comforting and made me feel safe.
"I'm sorry." I choked out in the middle of a sob. "I do love you. all of you."
"Shh, it's okay baby we know" JJ whispered, I think the way he was acting surprised everyone, including myself.
"I can't. I really cannot do it anymore." I choked out. I couldn't make a noise, just tears silently running down my face. JJ kept me steady, crouching down and holding my waist as I dropped to my knees, continuing to bury my face into his chest. It was comforting and I quickly came to the realisation that I missed him. But I had screwed it up and this was the consequence.