[ 6th January, 2019, 01:11AM ]
after what happened during new years, everything went sideways. people became awkward with each other. for instance, aeri and jaehyun stopped speaking. on the first, jaehyun sent aeri back home. she was tired, after crying and pouring her heart out. so jaehyun hailed a cab and let her sleep on his shoulder till she reached home.
the three of them planned to go for dinner and exchange presents, remember? aeri and jaehyun went to the dinner that night and acted like as if everything was fine. they acted like nothing weird happened between them. and then after dinner, they separated ways and now it had been a week since they last spoke to each other.
that was the last time they saw each other. no one texted or called. it just ended with a, "get home safe," and they never spoke again. aeri went home that night crying. it was hard for her to look at jaehyun and not feel her heart beat out of her chest. she still couldnt believe she let herself become so vulnerable around him.
that's what jaehyun made her feel. vulnerable.
aeri never told anyone about what happened on new years. there were many times where she wanted to tell jaemin but then she just never got the heart to do it. she never checked up on her phone anymore because she didnt feel like it. nor did she tell jungwoo because she felt like a burden if she did. what went on was between her and jaehyun. she didnt want to get anybody involved.
in jaehyun's case, he spent his entire week locked up in his apartment, playing the scene over and over and over again in his head. i'm in love with you, her voice would linger in his head. and then he would feel his heart beat faster and faster every single time he replayed it again at the back of his mind.
he spent the whole week deciding on his feelings. "do i like her?" "do i only feel like this because i've been lonely for so long?" "do i want her around?" "do i love her?" all those questions, he asked himself for a week straight.
the thing with jaehyun is, he doesnt fall in love easily. and if he does, it means he must have truly felt something for that particular person. it took him six months to figure out that he had feelings for chungha. they werent bestfriends, they met through mutual friends.
but then they started hanging out as a clique, and one day he just saw her differently. in their case, jaehyun fell first. it took him a few months to get in touch with his feelings. and thank god, his feelings were reciprocated. the rest is history.
there was no denying, that yes, there have been days where jaehyun would light up at the thought of aeri, at the sight of her. but that's just because he always believed that that's what bestfriends do to each other. they make each other feel happy.
so where does one draw the line between friendship and love?
that's what he has been asking himself all week long. and he finally found an answer. at 1 in the morning, he found an answer.
—
[ 7th january, 2019, 7:01PM ]
"yes, mom, i'm at the bridge,"
"alone?"
"yes,"
"why dont you go with jaemin?
or jaehyun?"
"they're busy, mom,"
"and i wanted to go here myself,"
"you know, just look at the
sunset for a while,"
"i havent done that in a long time,"
"that's because you just lock
yourself in the room!"
"i told you, i'm just tired, okay?
i have assignments,"
"i'm your mother, you dont have to lie to me,"
"did something happen on new years?"
"you havent been yourself lately,"
"no, mom. i promise,"
sigh. "alright,"
"but always remember, aeri,"
"you're still young, okay?"
"you have a long life ahead of you,"
"it's okay to let some people go,"
"i'm sure you'll find someone as you grow older,"
"okay, mom,"
"take care, i'll see you at home, okay?"
"you too,"
—
aeri hung up the phone, she placed it into the back pocket. and she just sat down on the bridge. her feet dangling from the railing, she watched the pink sky reflecting off the water in front of her. she sighed, breathing out the white cloud from her mouth.
it was the first time she's out. her first day out alone in 2019. wow, that's crazy. a whole year has passed. she wasnt looking forward to another one anyway. this place became her new favourite hang out spot.
she liked the peace and quietness around her, and
even on the worst days, the place would turn out to look like a piece of art, no matter the time or weather.
it really does look like you jumped into a vincent van gogh painting. it looked so pretty. and she was so happy jaehyun introduced her the place. she wanted a change of scenery. tired of seeing the same ducks waddling around the water day after day.
she breathed out some air into her hands, because she was getting cold. thank god, she brought extra hot packs in her jacket. she had always loved winter. the snow makes everything looked twice as much beautiful than they were before. when she was younger, she used to always make snow angels with her mother.
now she's grown, she doesnt do that anymore. but it would always be a very beautiful memory stuck in her mind. winter - the season that had her crying all the time. first, it was mark. now, jaehyun. but that's fine, she knew that when she grew older, it would just be another passing memory.
as she looked at the sun slowly setting, she started to reminisce about her past. which started with na jaemin. her first love. the love that she experienced when she was sixteen. when she was young and naive. when she just thought that love only meant 'liking each other', and that was it.
a few memories popped into her mind. they weren't together for long, remember? just a few months. she remembered their first meeting ever so clearly. he bumped into her, her water bottle dropped and it splattered everywhere. and before she left, he said, na jaemin, look for me.
they did everything together. they used to ride the bus home together and would always take the long ride home. they would sit at the back and they would share earpieces with each other. they shared their favourite songs, favourite memories, favourite food, favourite colour. favourite everything.
god, the journey with na jaemin felt so surreal. because when it ended, she just thought to herself, how? how could something so beautiful end just like that? there were no arguments, no conflicts, nothing. just pure happiness between them. so how was it possible for that to end like nothing ever happened in the first place?
the more she thought about it, the more her brain started to hurt. they both didnt grow out of each other. they blamed their parting on growing up, but that wasnt the case. it wasnt the case at all. what really happened, was that they were both afraid of falling in love. afraid of what comes after 'i like you'.
jaemin found himself growing fonder of aeri day by day and it scared him. he was only sixteen, who at the age of sixteen would believe anything about love? when you're that young, you think that 'love' is something you see in movies, something grown-ups face, when they're working, when they're 25. not when they're 16 and still finding their place in the world.
so when he found out his true feelings for her, it scared him. so he grew apart. he distanced himself. he found somebody else to talk to, to do the exact same stuff he did with aeri. but as months passed, he realized she wasnt her. jisol wasnt aeri, and he couldnt do anything about it because he left her.
and when he wanted her back, he realized he was too late because mark was there standing at his spot. sitting at the chair next to her, in the cafe, the place they always used to hang out in. the place, they fell in love. the place, they 'grew out' of love, the place he left her. there was no point in trying anymore.
and that was how her first love ended. she believed it ended, because they grew up. but the truth was, it ended because both of them were scared of what would happen next. and that's fine. that's totally fine. they were sixteen, naive, young and still innocent. what mattered was that they both gave each other what they had. they both loved as what they thought love was, when they were sixteen.
and then there was her second love. mark lee. boy, oh boy, this love hit her like a truck. getting over jaemin was hard, but mark made it easier for her. he would walk her home, sit next to her when she was alone, buy her coffee when she was studying in the cafe. somehow, at every crease and corner, she just found mark there.
she didnt want to fall for him, he was jaemin's friend. it was in the unspoken rule book of falling in love. but she couldnt control her heart; her feelings. she didnt ask to fall for mark lee. she was holding so much baggage alone, mark lee just stood there and offered her a helping hand. and so, they both shared each other's baggages.
mark lee taught her what she wanted and what she didnt want in a man. he was sweet, caring, passionate and hard-working. but he was also dishonest, impatient, cruel and stubborn. dont get me wrong, she still loved him though. very much.
it was the kind of love that hurt, but somehow it hurt so good. and she stayed. the kind of love that manipulates you into staying. they had their fair share of both good and bad memories. when aeri was stressed out, mark would surprise her with flowers. bring her to the arcade, make a fool out of himself just so it could cheer her up. and it worked.
they would sometimes spend the weekend, just walking around aimlessly, finding new spots to hang out, places to take pictures. the journey with mark was great. but sometimes, it was also tiring. small arguments would turn big. unspoken things will be kept, and that would lead to distrust.
sometimes, after arguing, they would just think that some things were better left unsaid. like that one time, he didnt call, or text, inform aeri where he had been. aeri was mad, he stood her up. she wanted an explanation, but all he said was, god, cant you just leave me alone? i had practice today and that's it. stop asking! and mark felt bad the moment he realized what came out of his mouth.
the journey with mark was a new experience for her. when she found out that he cheated, she wanted to leave. but something kept making her stay, and until today she cant pinpoint on what that is. the journey with mark was beautiful but it was also exhausting. mark decided to stop fighting for them, he gave up on the idea of 'us' and he left.
it was selfish of her to want him to stay, so she let him. and when she gave him another chance, he just disappointed her again. but who could really blame her? mark lee was different than na jaemin. she wanted a life, a future with him. so she gave him every opportunity she could to let him redeem himself. but it all went to trash.
it was beautiful while it lasted. it was written in the stars for her and mark lee's journey to end. what was she supposed to do? go up to the sky and re-align the stars again? just like how mark moved on, she moved on too. at least they tried. that's what matters most, doesnt it?
both na jaemin and mark lee taught her a lot in life when it came to love. if it werent for them, she would always wonder where she would be now. who she would be with. what would she be doing. they both played a very important part in her life indeed.
if it wasnt for her being lost, she wouldnt have laid her eyes on jaemin on the first day of school. and if it wasnt for jaemin 'growing apart', she wouldnt have fallen for mark. and if it wasnt for mark breaking her heart, she wouldnt have met jaehyun.
jung jaehyun. she believed it was her third love.
"ah, i see you're here," someone spoke out of the blue. the voice came from right behind her. she turned around and speaking of the devil, there he was, jung jaehyun. it felt awkward, considering the last time they spoke, she cried out her heart to him and all he said was let's go home.
"yeah, the sunset's extra special today," she hummed, looking back at the sun meeting the horizon as the sky slowly fades from pink to purple. jaehyun walked over, and sat right next to her. putting his feet through the barriers, it dangled from the edge of the bridge, just like hers.
"what are you doing here?" he asked, trying to ease the tension. "nothing, just-" she stopped mid sentence. "thinking," she continued. there was no lie there, she really had been thinking. about all her past lovers. and how if it werent for them, she wouldnt have met this man sitting right next to her.
"about?" he asked another question. she let out a deep breath, "oh you know. jaemin, mark-" she named everyone. then she turned to her left to look at the boy, he did the same. "you," she let out a soft chuckle, she didnt want to make it awkward.
silence between the two of them were never awkward. and for the first time, it actually was. silence between them always felt like comfort. but now it was the other way round. now it made both of them uncomfortable. maybe it's because of the fact that they havent spoken to each other for a week. or maybe it's because of the fact that she told him she loved him the last time they saw each other.
"i've been doing some thinking too," jaehyun said. his voice sounded so calm. aeri always liked listening to him speak. "you know... ever since chungha left, i just naturally forgot what love felt like," he spoke. she just sat there, looking at the water then back up at the sky and she listened to whatever he had to say.
"for years, i lived being so oblivious to the outside world. that's why when soomin had a crush on me i didnt even realize because i didnt care, i was still hurt over my ex, you know? when you're hung up on someone you still want, the people around you that show you love, you dont care about them," he explained.
"and then one day i see this girl in the cafe crying all the time because of the same boy," she laughed, because she knew it was her. "and for some reason, you reminded me of myself. because i knew that the love between chungha and i were toxic, but i still stayed,"
"it hurt though, the love i received. that's why when i saw you crying over mark, it automatically reminded me of how i once used to be," he paused before continuing. "and i remember doing my laundry with jungwoo, and i told him about this post where it said by 21, you would meet your soulmate,"
"and at the exact moment i said that, you walked into the laundry store, eyes red, you were crying. because of mark. and it may sound weird, i never intended for us to meet, but then it just felt like it was all part of something big, you know?"
"out of every laundry place you couldve gone, you ended up at mine. out of every cafe, you couldve cried at, you ended up at the place i worked at. out of every guy you could meet, you bumped into me, the person who had been through exactly the same things you had been through," he sighed.
"and then months passed, and we got closer. we watched princess and the frog together, went to play the claw machine everyday together when i picked you up from school, we strolled through the park, fed the ducks. my whole year of 2018, it was all with you, aeri. i devoted my entire year to you,"
"and i'm not even gonna lie. i'll be real honest with you here. there were times where i would often think to myself, maybe aeri is the one for me. i'll admit that. because there was no way we could spend this much time together and not one of us were bound to fall for the other, right?"
"but then i said, nah. she's just like a friend that i want to protect. dont want her to make the same mistakes as i did, you know? and for a while it stayed that way between us," another pause. aeri didnt know where this conversation was going. or where it would lead to, and she wasnt excited to hear about the end.
"until i started to hurt you. i stood you up on your birthday. fuck, that day really hurt me. i was angry at myself. i started to do things that would subconsciously hurt you, and i didnt know. neglecting you when you talked about mark. talk on and on and on about my ex girlfriend. the night of the party,"
aeri frowned. she blamed herself, not him. how would he have known that every little thing he did hurt her when she didnt tell him her feelings? it wasnt his fault. it was never his fault. "what draws the line between friendship and love?" jaehyun suddenly asked. he turned over to aeri, who was just admiring the scenery.
she hummed, not knowing how to answer that. she didnt even know if she should answer that. "i'll go first. i've thought about this for so long. jungwoo was always there to help me find the answer to this. well, to me, what separates those two is the way your heart beats," he said. then he let out a soft chuckle.
"wait i know it sounds stupid. but listen. hear me out. does your heart beat fast for your bestfriend? because i know mine doesnt. i see jungwoo and my heart doesnt beat fast. i see soomin and it doesnt even feel like ripping out of my chest. and i did most of the things with you, with everybody else in my life. and that didnt affect the way my heart beat. it only changed when it came to you,"
she turned over to look at him, her eyes staring intently at him. he said, "what's different is that, when i did all those things with you, my heart felt like ripping out of my chest. it felt like it was going to explode. but at the same time, it also always calmed me down," then he faced her.
their eyes locked, he confessed, "that's what draws the line between friendship and love, for me," aeri's eyebrows furrowed, she was confused as to what was coming out of his mouth. "w-what are you saying, jae?" she stuttered.
"what i'm saying is... it took me tons of sleepless nights and probably about four arguments with you, to realize that the reason why my heart beat like that whenever im with you is because — i love you too,"