"We unanimously find the defendant, Adam Baker... guilty of all charges."
Suddenly, it was like I had come up for air. I breathed a sigh of relief that took all of my anxiety, all of my pain with it. I heard claps coming from my parents and Trent and the various others in the courtroom, the police officers, the paramedics. Katrina hugged me and I was too happy to push her away. Adam was going to jail, and after six long years I was going to have justice.
"Adam Baker, you have been found guilty of sexual assault of a minor. You will return to this court on May 8th for sentencing. You will be held at the Rahway prison until such time. Court adjourned." Judge Mason said. After she and the jury exited, I got up and ran to Trent, jumping up into his arms. I glanced over at Adam and he was glaring at me, hate in his eyes. I just turned my back to him, placing my hand in Trent's and exiting the courtroom.
I didn't have to show up for the sentencing, thank God. I heard however, that he got the maximum sentence possible and Judge Mason completely ripped him a new asshole. I kind of wished I had been there for that. But Dr. Meyer and I both agreed it would be best for me to not be there. Court took a toll on me, I found immense strength during my testimony but the anxiety leading up and just the stress of it all left me in a depression. Dr. Meyer said that was normal. Everything was over, and now I didn't know what to do with myself, what to devote my time to, my body didn't know how to not be on high alert. I had to relearn how to live a normal life.
"Hey Trent?" I said one Friday night as we were cuddling in my bed. It was a few weeks after the trial and the sentencing, and we were just having a quiet movie night.
"Yeah babe?"
"Thank you," I whispered.
"For what?"
"For saving me, for stopping Kyle from beating me up that day, for insisting that you give me a ride home that day. I was so scared back then, so afraid to let anyone in, but you never gave up on me." By this point I had completely stopped stuttering around Trent, and almost completely stopped in most situations as well. Dr. Meyer and I had worked extensively with a speech therapist to determine why I was stuttering. It turned out to all be psychological, of course, and a few techniques she taught me were able to help stop the stutter.
"I just knew I had to fight for you. I knew we needed each other."
"You needed me?"
"Of course, I wouldn't be who I am today without you. I'm actually passing all my classes; I haven't used since we met. You really brought out the good in me, you gave me a reason to want to be better. I haven't felt this way since my mom was alive."
"What way?" I asked. Trent turned so he was looking right at my eyes. After all these months, I still melt every time his emerald eyes stare into mine.
"Happy." He simply stated.
"I love you, Trent." I blurted out before I could stop myself. I really didn't mean to say it, of course I was thinking it, but I was usually so much better at controlling the filter between my brain and my mouth. But the words just fell out, and I couldn't take them back. My chest tightened as I waited for Trent's reply. His eyes were wide, and his jaw was on the floor. He wasn't saying anything and that made my panic grow. I pushed my way out of his arms and sat up in bed, trying so hard to take a steady breath but failing as I gasped, my chest heaving with each shallow breath.
"Grayson, it's okay, please calm down," Trent begged, rubbing circles in my back.
"I'm s-sorry, I shouldn't have s-said that!" I managed to get out between gasps. How could I be so stupid?
"No, I'm glad you did." I stopped hyperventilating and looked up at him. "I... I feel the same way. I just, I don't know if I can say it out loud yet, you know?" I nodded. "I've never said it to anyone, and the thought of saying it terrifies me."
"It's okay... just say it when you're ready," I said as I snuggled back up into him. I didn't know how to explain it, but I knew he meant it. Trent had a lot of trauma that we hadn't really unpacked yet. Everything always got brought back to me and my damage. So, I don't blame him for not being able to say it back.
"Thank you for understanding."
"You've been so amazing through all of this with me, it's the least I can do for you." I leaned up and kissed his cheek before drifting off to sleep with my head on his chest, listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat.
Things were perfect then; they were perfect for quite a while. I felt joy, love, and happiness for the first time since I was a child. I spent all of my free time with Trent, going for drives around town. I would watch as he drove, one hand on the wheel, the other either holding my hand or holding a cigarette. If we were holding hands, I would trace patterns on the back of his hand and give it a squeeze every once in a while, just to make sure it was real, to make sure I wasn't imagining that this perfect human being was mine. I know smoking was a gross habit, and I should probably pressure him to quit. But there was something so sexy about the way a cigarette hung off his lips, the way he blew the smoke from his full, pink lips and it danced around him before flying out the car window.
We also went for coffee, a lot, and to dinner and movie. We also walked around the mall like the hooligans we were. What else are teenagers in the suburbs supposed to do? Girls would always approach him while we were out and he would just put his arm around me or kiss me. That made me feel good, to know that he wanted to show us off to the world, he didn't even want to humor the advances coming from those girls. It also made me terrified. I was so sure that someone was going to pick a fight with us over it one day. Trent just reassured me that no matter what happened he could handle it.
When the weather got nicer, we would have picnics at the park or go to the beach. My new favorite past time became watching the way the sun made Trent's olive skin glow. He was breathtakingly beautiful; I don't think I could ever grow tired of staring at him. He was also incredibly sweet and romantic, which I'm sure would be a total shock to anyone previously involved with him. He always surprised me with little notes in my locker, or my favorite candy. He would surprise me with dates all the time, not telling me where we were going until we got there. I loved the spontaneity, the thought that went into everything we did. This was a very different man than I thought I was getting involved with, and it was the most pleasant surprise.
One day, Trent and I were laying on a blanket on the beach, soaking up the sun and each other's company. We were both just in our bathing suits, Trent was wearing sunglasses with lenses so dark I couldn't see his eyes. I was so sure that he was asleep though, so I turned on my side, propped myself up with my elbow, and stared at the beautiful boy in front of me. "What?" Trent asked after a few moments, startling me.
"You're just really beautiful," I shrugged.
"You are such a liar," he laughed as he turned to face me.
"You are, I could just... stare at you all day."
"I don't know why you would want to babe, but thanks."
"Why are you always so hard on yourself?" I asked.
"Years of being told I'm worthless?"
"Who told you that?"
"I'll give you one guess," he laughed.
"Your father?"
"Yup," he sighed.
"What are things like between you guys? I mean, I overheard that one time, but you don't really talk about him."
"It's rough, it always has been. He's a brilliant surgeon, a super macho guy, he's fairly religious having grown up in a traditional Mexican household. I just can never live up to his expectations of me, you know?"
"When my mom was alive it was fine, I spent most of my time with her. My dad was pretty absent most of the time, unless he was yelling at my mom about how she was raising me, or how much money she spent, or how much time she spent with people who weren't him."
"No offense, but your dad sounds like a dick." Trent just laughed.
"None taken, at all."
"Does he hit you a lot?" I asked, remembering back to when I got out of the hospital, and he came over with a black eye. I was pretty sure he said it had never happened before, but he might have just said it to make me feel better.
"Not really. There was that one time when you were in the hospital. I didn't tell you then but there were a couple of other times. He doesn't do it often, mostly because he knows I could fight back."
"Do you not talk about your trauma because you don't want to upset me?"
"I didn't at first, then I just... didn't really feel the need to? You made everything better. It was when you weren't around that I wanted to talk about it."
"You can always talk to me, about anything. It will never upset me, or make me relapse, or anything like that."
"I know, I just also have a hard time talking about this stuff, being vulnerable."
If therapy has taught me one thing, it's that nothing will get better if you don't let yourself be vulnerable. So please, don't be afraid to talk about it."
"My mind gets pretty scary sometimes."
"So does mine, you know that."
"There's just like, this voice, that constantly tells me I shouldn't be here. Sometimes I have such messed up thoughts, like that I should just drive off an overpass."
"What stops you from listening to them?"
"You, wanting to be around for you, and all of the memories we're going to create together." I didn't say anything in response, just held him tighter. He kissed my forehead and just held me tight. We lay that way for the rest of the night. I fell asleep at some point, dreaming of the life that Trent and I could have together. When I woke up he was gone, and in his spot on my bed was a note with three words.
I love you.