I am mad. Very mad.
How could Ciara act like she's the victim? Oh my goodness.
"She's insane!" I yelled at them. Syd looked at me, confused.
"We will talk." mariin na sabi niya sa akin bago lumabas ng kwarto.
Sumunod ako sa kanya, dead bodies on the floor. Inaalalayan ni Syd si Ciara sa paglalakad.
Hindi pa ako nakaramdam ng sobrang galit sa isang tao, ngayon pa lang.
She's fucking insane! She admitted what she did! And why the hell she's acting like innocent and victim?
They way she clung to Syd's neck made me so livid. She even said that Syd and I should be dead! She admitted what she did, she's evil!
Nakita ko sina Roberto sa sala, lahat sila ay nakatingin sa aming lahat. I saw how Roberto looked at Ciara, he was mad.
"Alisyd, that woman is insane." madiin at malakas na sabi ni Roberto.
Ciara started crying on Syd's shoulder. Mabilis akong bumaba sa pwesto nina Roberto. Matalim ang mga matang tinignan si Syd at Ciara.
"That woman admitted that she wants to kill me, and also you! She's insane." madiin na sabi ko kay Syd. He just pursed his lips and let Ciara be comfortable on the couch. She was crying.
"She's my friend, she will never do it." madiin at matalim na sabi ni Syd, I saw how Ciara's face lit up.
Galit at irita ang naramdaman ko kay Syd dahil sa sinabi niya. Sobrang bigat sa dibdib ng marinig sa kanya ang salitang 'yon. Your friend attacked me!
Mukhang walang magawa si Roberto at ang iba dahil kay Syd. They probably knew how evil and insane Ciara is.
"You attacked me first, Ciara." I gritted my teeth. She shook her head.
"I will never h-hurt you!" her acting skills was getting into my nerves.
"You are fucking insane! You wanted to kill us! Stop playing fucking innocent after you admitted all the bad things you did!" galit na sigaw ko sa kanya. She cried more.
"You wanted to kill Syd, right? You are also disappointed that we didn't die! You are evil, you even planned everything para si Daddy ang iturong salarin! You are fucking bitch! Stop---"
"Heldigar, enough!" malakas at galit na sigaw ni Syd sa akin. Ciara was shaking her head multiple times and cried louder.
Hindi ako makapaniwalang napatingin sa kanya. His angry eyes were looking at me. Napaawang ang labi ko, she was fast and expert. She snatched the gun from Syd's waist and expertly pulled the trigger.
I tried to move away.
A loud gunshot echoed in the house.
I heard a deafening silence after. I heard her evil and crazy laugh before glancing at my shoulder.
It was full of blood.
Ciara dropped to the ground after a lot of gunshots. She dropped off, dead.
Syd was unmoving and when he started walking towards me, I moved away and never let him touch me.
Umiling ako sa kanyang takot at nag aalalang mukha.
I saw his pain and worries before passing out.
-------
'It was hard to be alive. You are breathing but slowly getting suffocated. You are alive but dead inside. It was hard to play alive when you are literally dead inside.'
I read everything that my Mama wrote on her journal. I don't really understand what she meant. Baka magalit pa siya sa akin kapag nalaman niyang pinapakialaman ko ang journal niya. I am just 4, ang sabi niya sa akin ay huwag kong pakialaman ang mga bagay na hindi sa akin.
"We are forced to love someone we don't really want. Even a bit, I don't really want to be tied with him. He was evil." pagbasa ko sa nakasulat.
I scanned the journal, my Mama handwriting is very clean and pretty. Maybe I got my handwriting from her.
"But I am carrying his child. It's a girl, I want to name her next to my true and great love. I want to name her, Alysandra Justice. Justice for my freedom, Alysandra for Alison." I read it once again.
Naintindihan ko ang nakasulat, so my name was supposed to be Alysandra Justice? I like it better, I want my name to be Alysandra! It's nice.
I looked at the old pages and turn it into the next pages.
"That man doesn't really want to let go of me. I am suffocated from his love, if it was actually love or maybe just lust and greed."
"I am drunk and broken, that's how my Justice was created. I can't tell if that was rape or not, I was drunk! I need justice.."
"My girl was very pretty, she's my replica. I just wish she will be loved and not forced to anyone.."
"She was my justice. Kahit na hindi ko alam ang nangyari, siya ang hustisya ko. Maybe, I was forced and caged, but everytime I looked at her, I felt like I am already winning and she's my price and justice."
"She was the greastest thing, she's my greatest love. Even if I was drugged, drunk and broken, she's my beautiful and greatest justice.."
"Alison, I am sorry, I already love someone more than you, she's my daughter. My purest Justice."
When I heard my Mama's footsteps, I placed it where it was actually placed. I go back to my toys and play with it.
I smiled to my Mama when she entered the room..
--------
"Heldigar." Mama's voice.
I am in the dark, I can only hear footsteps and voices.
"Why can't you move on?!" rinig ko ang malakas na sigaw ni Daddy.
"How can you move on and forget someone or something that made you so happy and alive?" Mama's crying voice followed.
"He's dead!" sigaw muli ng pamilyar na boses.
"You killed him!" my Mama screamed.
"I am a human, Helen. Hindi ako mamamatay tao!" sigaw ni Daddy. Mama's crying voice echoed in the dark.
"He killed his self! He poisoned his self when he found that we are getting married!" Daddy said in a low voice. Umiyak ng mas malakas si Mama.
"That's not true, Pablo!" she yelled, I heard broken glasses and screams.
"You killed him, you are jealous and selfish! You killed him! You poisoned him! I am sure of it, I saw what you did!" sigaw ni Mama na unti unting nawala.
I ran and looked for something, I want to find my Mama's journal. I looked at my reflection, I am now 7. And I want to know where it is! My Mama already left me, I want to read her journal!
"You are looking for this?" Daddy's voice scared me.
Lumingon ako sa kanya at nakitang hawak hawak niya ang journal ni Mama.
"Give me that, Daddy!" sabi ko at sinubukang abutin ang journal ni Mama sa kanyang kamay.
"Pati ba naman ikaw? Lahat na lang ba kukuhain sa akin ng walang kwentang Alison na 'yon?" galit na sabi niya. Umiling ako.
"Daddy, gusto ko lang mabasa ang mga nakasulat jan.." mahinang boses na sabi ko. Umiling siya.
"Bakit hindi isinulat dito ng ina mo na hindi naman talaga kita anak? You are my younger brother's daughter!" sigaw niya sa akin at malakas na sinampal.
"Your mother was a liar! I didn't take advantage on her, she puts herself into me because she knew her sins! Leandro was enggaged that time and they had sins! You and your mother ruined my life! I will ruin everything! I will ruin you!" he angrily yelled and left me alone in my room, crying and confused.
-------
"She's resting, Sir." I heard unfamiliar voices.
I felt a cold hands held my weak hands. The room was cold and bright.
"Call the Doctors." someone ordered.
Tears started stream down to my face. Hindi ko mapigilan. That wasn't dreams! That was memories!
"You need to calm down." the nurse said.
I tried to calm my system but when his weary eyes met mine, I wanted to kick the nurse out of this room.
"Get out!" I weakly said while looking at him, I pointed the door. He was shocked, confused, and in pain. Hindi siya nagsalita, mabilis lang siyang lumabas ng kwarto.
My heart ached because of what happened. Kumalma ako unti unti at pumikit.
The nurse and Doctor do something, tests or whatever.
Pumasok si Lola at Lolo sa loob ng kwarto, they are worried.
"Lola, I want t-to know.." nanghihinang sabi ko.
Mabilis na lumapit sa akin si Lola, nagtataka.
"Lola, my dreams..my memories.." my eyes are crying and I can't stop it.
"What is it, apo?" she asked worriedly.
"Lola, Mama lied to us." I cried.
"Lola, Tito Leandro is m-my f-father.." I was breathing heavily.
"Apo, hindi 'yan totoo!" malakas niyang sabi.
Sumakit ang ulo ko at unti unting nawalan ng malay.
-----
Nagising ako at naramdaman na may nakahawak sa kamay ko. Mabilis akong dumilat at nakitang si Alisyd 'yon, he was sleeping while holding my hands, tightly.
My heart ached, it's my 9th day here in the hospital. Ngayon ko lang siya naabutan na nasa tabi ko, I am always ordering and shouting at him to get out.
He looks tired and sleepless. Napatingin ako sa pumasok, it was Louise. She's holding a flower. She smiled at me before walking quietly.
"He's asleep? He's busy since you're admitted here. He was handling your cases with his Lawyer friend and he have a lot of works to do. Good thing that he's resting..." Louise stated while looking at Syd.
"Palagi mong pinapaalis sa tuwing nagigising ka.." she added and sighed.
Tumingin ako sa kanya na payapang natutulog kahit na mahirap ang pwesto. He was sleeping, head on my bed while sitting on the chair.
"Heldigar, I know that you are having a hard time. Lola told me about your flashback memories, I know that you are also enduring pains, but can you please, please be good to him." mahinang sabi sa akin ni Louise at hinawakan ang aking mga palad.
I don't know what to say. I am guilty for throwing him out always.
"He is restless. Nasasaktan kami sa bawat pagpapalabas mo sa kanya, Lola cried and she is asking for patience. He just smiled and nodded, he said he loves you, willing to be restless and in pain just for you.." she added.
Nanubig ang mga mata ko dahil sa sinasabi sa akin ni Louise. I didn't know...
Am I being insensitive and unfair?
"Heldigar, talk to him with kindness, like you always did to everyone. You always understand and listens. He's waiting for it.." she said and smiled.
Tumango ako nagpunas ng mga luha na kusang tumulo sa aking mga mata. She kissed my head and smiled.
"I will go to Melvin, Syd's perosnal Lawyer. I am helping him with your case." she said and bid her goodbye.
The room became silent when Louise left the room. It was Syd and me, he's still sleeping. I let him sleep.
I remembered what Lola and Lolo said towards my flashback memories. They said that maybe it happened before but everything about that Daddy said was all lies. Tito Leandro and Mama was bestfriends, ang mga kapatid ni Mama ang nagjustify na hindi gagawin ni Tito Leandro 'yon kay Mama.
It was just my Dad, his greed, jealous and anger. Lola said that my Dad really likes Mama but whatever thing he do, ayaw sa kanya ni Mama. He cheated, he used his power and everything to make my Mama be with him.
I trust my Lola's words, and I can recall that my Mama wrote that she was broken and drunk that time. She was broken and drinking because of the death of her one and only love.
I glanced at my shoulder, I am still healing from the gun shot. Daddy was now arrested but he is not guilty. He is really sick. I want to talk to him once I am healed and okay.
Ciara was still alive, patong patong ang kaso. She's still alive dahil pampatulog lang ang binaril ni Roberto sa kanya. Habang ako ay literal na bala ang tumama sa akin.
They used tranquilizers as bullets, utos ni Syd dahil sa hindi ko alam na dahilan.
I looked at him, he's still sleeping.
I wonder how hard and painful he felt everytime I ordered him to get out. Nanubig ang mga mata ko habang inaalala kung paano bumalatay sa ekspresyon niya ang sakit at lungkot.
"I am sorry..." I whispered and caressed his hands that has tattoos. I stared at his tattoos, hindi lang JORYN ang nandoon. I saw a minimalist tattoo on his ring finger, it was my name.
Heldigar