Author notes: English is not my first language, so please forgive my mistakes and awkward writing. This is NOT for profit. I don't own them. AU (as in Alternate Universe) and maybe OOC (as in Out of Character).
Author notes 2: My eternal gratitude to @JJSin2020 for editing this.
Author Notes 3: The song is Unleashed by Epica
Thanks for the votes and comments! They really encourage me.
"Good evening," a deep melodic voice brought the hostess at the restaurant's entryway out of her distracted state. Automatically, she welcomed the arriving guest without really looking at him, her perfunctory smile in place.
"Good evening sir, welcome to Lost Heaven. Do you have a reservation?" she asked him while moving her head to have a glance at him.
Her eyes widened, the man was truly beautiful. A tall and slender frame, dressed in clothes that fitted perfectly, enticing almond eyes, shoulder length black hair and a tempting mouth filled her eyes. It was not an everyday occurrence at her work place to see someone as breathtaking as he was.
The guest smiled and she felt her knees buckle under the force of that gesture. Wow, what a gorgeous smile! She was getting entranced by it when the guest spoke again.
"I have a reservation for a party of two, under Xiao please."
She looked at her register and found his name, Mr. Xiao, table for two. "Of course Mr. Xiao, let me take you to your table.
"Has the other person arrived?" he asked.
"Not yet Mr. Xiao," she told him, her voice all too sweet for his taste.
"Thanks," was his neutral answer. He had seen that look on women's faces before. He'd better keep his distance. He was not here for a potentially embarrassing situation after all.
While she was guiding him to his table, he took the time to admire the restaurant's décor. Red hues dominated the space with hints of golden shades. Warm dimmed lights gave the place an air of mystery mixed with coziness. Each table had its own overhead lamp, which conveyed a feeling of intimacy, allowing the people who sat at the same table to clearly see each other, while the rest of the guests faded in the shadows around them.
Zhan was seated in one of the central, most visible tables of the restaurant, nervously waiting. He was truly uncomfortable, feeling exposed with too many prying eyes on him. He knew what he looked like and his looks frequently made him a target of curious and admiring glances. Instead of making him feel flattered, those stares made him feel scrutinized, like he was being studied under the objective lense of a microscope effectively magnifying his shortcomings.
However, he had purposely chosen that table for that precise reason. He had been hiding from his demons long enough and it was time to face them. Being the center of attention was one of the things that made him most uncomfortable so he was stubbornly set out to endure it. He needed to learn to control his own emotions so this was an exercise for him.
Unconsciously, he was hiding behind the menu in his hands, but he could not help it. It was one of the many tricks his dear friend had taught him at his most dire hour. He couldn't stop himself, his mind wandered, remembering his time in Tokyo right after the sakura fell, it had been the lowest point in his entire life.
**
The warmth that the sakura season had brought to his heart disappeared as soon as the sakura's petals flowed, carried aimlessly by the wind. It had been a rough week at work. He had been distracted and unfocused, so he had made several costly mistakes. He had apologized profusely and corrected them, but the harm had already been done. His team was behind schedule and it was almost impossible to meet their deadline now.
He felt terrible for his teammates since he was the weakest link at the moment. He was becoming careless not only about his work, but also about life in general. He found himself...despondent. He went as far as forgoing his own personal care routine. Now, his hair was overgrown and shapeless, it looked like an unappealing mop on top of his head. He stopped shaving every day and began losing weight since his appetite had dwindled.
Now, his only source of personal satisfaction, his work, was slowly slipping away from him. He felt like a failure, like a total loser. Get a fucking grip! He would tell himself every day, and yet he was unable to do so. He couldn't get over his heartbreak, and on top of that he also felt like shit for hiding the truth from his family.
There was one thing that his parents had always expected from him, and that was the truth. Being true to themselves was their life philosophy, and he had been a coward not telling the complete truth about who he was. Sure, his sexuality never completely defined him as a person, but it was a hefty part of him.
Work related stress, heartbreak and self-doubt have never been a winning combination on anyone, but at the moment they proved to be a devastating combo wrecking his mind. His body, as well as his psyche had been undermined by his low spirits.
The last time he had some respite from the excruciating weight of his own negative thoughts was when his parents visited him for New Year celebrations. He still remembered the gift from his mother. She had strongly insisted on buying it for him that he had finally relented and graciously accepted the gift. It had been a gorgeous professional shaving kit with handles made of jade. The exquisite artisanship of the handmade objects had enticed his mother who immediately thought it was perfect for him.
Of course, he knew how to use it. His mother had insisted he trained with a professional barber as soon as he had something on his face that needed to be shaved. She always said that a true gentleman would know how to take care of his own personal appearance in the best possible way. Right at that moment, he wasn't taking care of his appearance in any way, but honestly, who gave a fuck? He, for sure, didn't.
He showered every day because he wasn't an inconsiderate asshole towards the rest of the world. No matter how shitty he felt any given day, he would take a shower unless he purposely avoided being near anyone. He was spiraling down an unknown abyss, he felt it and yet, he felt powerless to stop his own downfall.
*
His anxiety was creeping out from the farthest corner of his brain, the one where he kept all his negative feelings caged. While waiting for his friend, he checked the watch on his wrist noticing he had arrived earlier than their agreed meeting time, so he couldn't blame his wait on him. He looked again at his watch with a hint of indifferent distaste. His Patek Philippe had been chosen exclusively because of the wide rubber bracelet. It was a gift from his mom, she had picked for him after his return to Shanghai.
His waiter approached the table and offered him something to drink. He was tempted to order a cocktail, after so many months of alcohol abstinence. He was given medical authorization for alcohol consumption a month ago, but he was still unsure about it. So he opted for a safer choice and ordered some tea while he waited.
The lamp above the table lit the space with a warm light, but for some reason, it reminded him of the lights on the emergency room of the Saisekai Central Hospital back in Tokyo, he had the opportunity to watch them first hand in the midst of a semi-conscious state.
**
It had been a stupid decision on his part, the week had finally ended and although he hadn't made anymore dumb mistakes at work, he still felt like a total incompetent. He was returning home – and he was using the term extremely lightly, because he was never able to see his Tokyo apartment as home – walking from Shiba-Koen station, when he passed by a convenience store. To this day, he couldn't explain what had possessed him to enter that place, since his pantry as well as his refrigerator were full.
He walked through the aisles, looking for nothing specific when he saw a small bottle of cheap Sake. The bottle of Kurosawa Junmai Kimoto seemed to be calling to him, which was of course, completely absurd. Zhan had never been a drinker. Sure, social occasions were one thing, but he had never drunk alcohol alone at home.
On a whim, he took one bottle from a shelf and went to the cashier to be rung up. Taking the bottle and forgoing the offered bag, he all but ran to his apartment. As soon as he crossed the doorway, he opened the bottle and took a large gulp of Sake. The warm feeling of the liquid traveling down his stomach made him feel alive, or at least more alive than he had felt in almost nine months.
It had been easy to succumb to temptation, so he kept drinking until he finished the bottle and of course, being the lightweight he was, he ended up completely inebriated.
Most of his memories of that particular day remained foggy. When the initial excitement had passed, he was left with complete despair. He had reached his bottom, there was nowhere else to go. He felt so much pain, that a fleeting idea crossed his mind. What if he ended it all? Would he be missed? Would he be mourned by someone besides his family?
For sure, he would be free. He would be released from social ties, he could be himself without hiding behind the smoke screen his public persona used every day. He would no longer be a failure, no more lost endeavors for him. The idea made more and more sense to him every time he thought about it.
It seemed like time was coming for him. Stumbling, he went to the bathroom, where his shaving kit was safely stored and lately unused. He had a plan now, and he needed to be sure of not fucking this up too.
He went for his shaving kit. Opening the case, he took out the razor, unfolding it and releasing the blade from its handle. He contemplated it, pondering if he would be capable of doing the deed. Was he brave enough or would he behave like the fucking coward he had been lately?
He sat on his bathroom floor, unsure about following through. Slowly, he brought the razor closer to his wrist. Following an irrational impulse, he slashed it. Fascinated by the blood pouring out of his wrist, he decided to do the same to his other wrist, and soon he was entranced watching his crimson sorrow pour out of his body.
After who knows how long, he started feeling weak. His shaving razor had ended up on the floor next to him. A morbid satisfaction filled his heart, he had finally done it! For once, he hadn't been a fucking pussy.
He closed his eyes, he was silently saying his goodbyes to this world and his family when a memory assaulted his brain. It was a memory of Yi Bo. A memory of him underneath Zhan, the one and only time he had bottomed for him, and Zhan started crying, bitter tears running down his face.
He still missed him, after all this time he longed for nothing more than seeing Yi Bo again. But if his plan succeeded, he would never see him again. Shit, that was unacceptable! He needed to see him again one more time. The situation he was in right now had been the product of a reckless impulse, and he was regretting it already.
Struggling to find his balance, he stood up. Walking out of the bathroom he went towards the door. Luckily, he still had his wallet on him, taking his keys and putting a black coat on so the bloodstains wouldn't show, he walked out of the door and rode the elevator down.
One of his last memories of that day was of him hailing a taxi and asking the driver to take him to the nearest hospital. He had been so fucking lucky his apartment was very near to the Saisekai hospital, so the driver took him there.
He took a bunch of bills out of his wallet without even counting to pay for the taxi fare and got out of the car. Stumbling, he collapsed at the entryway of the emergency room, and then he blacked out.
*
Lost in his memories, he didn't feel a presence approaching him from behind. Soon, a pair of hands on his eyes precluded him from seeing anything else. A soft calming voice asked him.
"Guess who I am."
Just the voice was a giveaway, he would recognize that voice anywhere.
"Hu-laoshi, stop joking. I know it is you," he playfully replied.
"You're not fun Zhan Zhan," the man stated while releasing Zhan's eyes.
"Maybe it is you who is still too playful," Zhan said while a small genuine smile formed on his lips.
The newcomer moved around the table to sit in front of Zhan. A brilliant smile graced his face, he was genuinely glad to see Zhan again after almost five months.
"How are you Zhan Zhan?" He asked, truly interested on hearing Zhan's answer.
"I am better now," Zhan answered wearing a calm expression on his face.
"I'm glad," the other man replied, his expression relaxed by the relief he experienced.
"What about you Hu-laoshi? How have you been?"
"Ah, you know, working, busy."
Zhan looked at the man seated in front of him, his serene expression had been a source of peace for him since their paths had crossed. Involuntarily, his mind went back to Japan, back to the Saisekai hospital, back to the first time he had laid his eyes on Hu Ge.
**
He had already been moved to his room when he woke up, the curtains around his bed gave him an illusion of privacy. He was still very much disoriented, but the characteristic smell of a hospital was a huge giveaway.
Still confused, he remembered watching, with an unhealthy fascination, his wrists bleeding slowly. He moved his hands close to his face and examined the bandages around both his wrists. The sudden arrival of the nurse in charge of his care startled him.
"Oh, you're awake. That's good," the nurse said to him. Immediately after, she went on to check his vitals. The thermometer reading showed he was running a low-grade fever. His blood pressure was normal now, it seemed the IV drip was working. She didn't seem too concerned.
"Are you hungry?" she asked him. She waited expectantly for his answer. It was like Zhan had suddenly forgotten how to speak Japanese. He tried to answer, he had understood her perfectly, but not a word in Japanese came out of his mouth. Instead, his Mandarin took control of his brain and tongue.
"Not really hungry," he told her in Mandarin.
She stood there, unable to understand a single word that came out of his mouth. She was about to call for help when a tall man appeared by his bed. A soft understanding expression graced his face. He spoke to the nurse in fluent Japanese, just like Zhan had been able to do before this incident. The nurse handed him Zhan's chart.
She nodded to the man, who was wearing a doctor's coat. He must be a physician, Zhan thought. Then she left them alone. The man opened his mouth and spoke to Zhan in Mandarin.
"Hi, I'm Doctor Hu Ge, how are you feeling?"
"Are you Chinese?" was the first thing that came out of Zhan's mouth.
"Yes, I am. I'm a visiting physician at this hospital," the man answered, with a small smile gracing his face.
Relief flooded Zhan, making feel safe for some unknown reason. Not only did Hu-laoshi speak his language, but he also spoke it beautifully. His soft voice mixed with the cadence of his words were soothing. They reminded Zhan of home and family. The polished accent of Hu-laoshi reminded him of his mother's accent.
The calm expression of this man's face, relaxed Zhan. He felt unconstrained, free, like he had just been unleashed. The man went on in his questioning.
"Are you feeling better?" the man... no, Hu-laoshi insisted.
"Yeah, just weak and not really hungry," Zhan offered.
"It's natural, but you really should try eating something. It'll make you feel a little better."
Zhan nodded in agreement, and in response Hu-laoshi smiled. It was then when Zhan really took account of the man's beauty. He could be a model, Zhan thought. After that fleeting thought, he tried to concentrate on what Hu-laoshi was trying to tell him.
"I'll be back tomorrow. I'm not the physician in charge of your physical health, I'm just visiting the Psychiatry Department, but they found out you're Chinese and they asked me to help you. We'll talk tomorrow after you feel better. Get some rest."
Zhan nodded again, and Hu-laoshi left him to rest. When the next meal time arrived, Zhan dutifully consumed all the food brought to him. He slept after that, he felt so tired. The dreamless sleep that overtook him was a true blessing because he hadn't slept well for months.
The next day, after breakfast was served, Hu-laoshi reappeared. He was not alone, another doctor was with him. Hu-laoshi acted as a translator of sorts and helped the other physician communicate with Zhan.
"Can you speak Japanese?" was Hu-laoshi's first question after their greeting.
"I was able to," Zhan answered, "but for some reason, now I can't." He told Hu-laoshi visible frustrated.
"Don't worry, it will come back to you. Can you at least understand us when we're speaking in Japanese?"
"Yes, I can. I can understand everything, but I don't know why, I can't speak it," Zhan told him with a hint of desperation in his voice.
"Okay then, I'll be here to help you. Don't worry," and that single sentence was able to calm Zhan. He truly believed he would be alright. After all, Hu-laoshi would be there to help him. For some inexplicable reason he really believed there was nothing to be afraid of.
*
Zhan smiled remembering the first time he had seen Hu Ge. Of course, the circumstances had been awful for him, but something positive had come out of his ordeal, his friendship with Hu-laoshi was a treasure for him. The savior of his sanity was the title Zhan had given Hu Ge.
Their waiter chose that moment to come and ask if they needed anything. Zhan's tea had been served for a while and now it was Hu-laoshi's turn to order something to drink. Hu Ge also ordered some tea for himself, and both, Zhan and him looked at their menus.
The waiter returned with Hu Ge's tea and readily took their order. After he took their menus and went away, their conversation restarted.
"How are your parents?" Hu Ge asked Zhan. He knew them well enough for that question not to be a perfunctory pleasantry.
"They are well, preparing for tomorrow's event," Zhan answered.
"I see," Hu-laoshi told him. "How do you feel about that?"
Zhan laughed a good natured laugh and responded, "Please, stop trying to psychoanalyze me. I'm fine. You know I don't really enjoy that kind of event, but my parents asked me to be present. I will be working on that project as my father's representative. It's the least I can do for them."
"Will you be able to handle it?" Hu-laoshi asked him, genuinely worried about Zhan's ability to cope with a large number of people in a formal party and the work related pressure that would surely come after that.
Zhan smiled, touched by Hu-laoshi's worry. His dear friend was looking out for him, as always. "I'll be fine, don't worry. Besides, you will be there tomorrow, won't you? My mom said you RSVP'ed."
"Yes, I will be there. I even got my tux ready," he said in a playful manner.
"Really? I have to see that."
Hu Ge laughed hard at that. "What is there to see?" he asked Zhan playfully.
"Considering that the first six months after we met each other you were wearing a doctor's coat every day, I'd really want to see you in formal attire."
"Stop mocking this poor gege, Zhan."
"I wouldn't dare!" Zhan replied.
Hu Ge's smile wound down and his face turned serious. "Are you really ready for that kind of pressure, my friend?"
"I am, I need to be. It's time I take my position in the company and in my family. My parents have been generous enough to let me have my anonymity until now."
"But, is it really what you want?"
"It is, don't worry. I'll be fine," Zhan offered with a reassuring smile on his face.
Hu Ge had been the one to call Zhan's parents and asked them to visit him at the hospital. He craftily avoided telling them on the phone why Zhan was there in the first place, but he assured them he was out of any danger. He still remember his first encounter with Zhao Lian, Zhan's mom.
**
Zhao Lian power-walked through the Saisekai Hospital's entryway, the clacking of her stilettos resonated in the lobby. Without a pause, she went directly to request Dr. Hu Ge's presence. Her Japanese was terrific, she had been the one to teach Zhan his first words in Japanese when he decided he wanted to learn the language.
Dr. Hu was immediately called and soon enough, he was introducing himself to Zhan's parents. As delicately as he was able to, he explained to them the nature of Zhan's injuries. To say Zhan's dad was in shock, had been an understatement. It was obvious for Hu Ge he was on the verge of tears.
The myriad of emotions that crossed the beautiful face of Zhan's mother had been another story. He watched her raw pain transformed into pure determination in a speck of time. She collected herself, and an aloof façade covered her face. It had been she who broke the silence.
"Can we see him?" she requested. By then, Zhan's dad had recovered his composure. They looked calm enough not to disturb Zhan, so Hu Ge asked them to follow him.
Zhan had been awake when he heard the distinctive clacking of his mother's steps coming down the corridor. The distinctive sound pattern his mother's walking produced was unique, and he had learned to discern it from any other sound since infancy. He was a little scared, afraid of their disappointment in his behavior.
When they finally reached his bed, he saw the sadness in his father's eyes, but his dad uttered not a single word of reproach. His mother hugged him, as if she needed to verify he was still alive. She gave him a kiss, and silently she directed her gaze towards his wrists. Fast enough so they remained unnoticed, she swallowed her emotions at the sight.
Finally speaking, she asked Dr. Hu if the hospital had private rooms. She wanted Zhan to move to one of them. Zhan was about to protest, saying that he didn't need one, but she stopped him in his tracks. "Of course you do. You need privacy to relieve the burdens of your heart."
Dr. Hu or Hu-laoshi like Zhan called him, made the move possible. The next day, Zhan's parents were sitting in front of him looking worried and at least ten years older than the day before.
Zhan felt guilt gnawing his heart. Why had he done that? He really didn't know. It was a bad decision on top of a long series of bad decisions. Now he felt tired of lying to his parents, but mainly to himself. On a whim, he told them one of his truths, he told them he was gay.
A soft understanding landed on his father's eyes, like many things suddenly made sense to him. He said nothing and hugged Zhan. That tender gesture broke the dam of Zhan's emotions. Tears found their way out of his eyes and the next thing he knew he was openly crying. He tried to apologize, but his mother stopped him.
"I'm sorry," Zhan said.
"What are you apologizing for? For being the person you are, or for being a mere human with weaknesses like all of us? Listen to me, son," she went on. "You're perfect the way you are. Don't apologize for that. I'm just asking for you to think through the decisions you'll make from now on, please," he knew she was really pleading even if it didn't sound like it.
An acute sense of relief invaded him. Was this what had caused him so much fear? His parents had accepted that part of him, just like they had always accepted the rest of the things that made him who he was.
His relief must have shown on his face, because his mother smiled for the first time since he had seen her again.
"Besides," she broke the silence, "this news has a bright side for me." His father looked at her like she had just lost her mind.
"What are you talking about mom?"
"When you find your life-partner and both of you are ready to surrogate, I can actually chose the mother of my grandchildren."
Zhan was left speechless for a while, then a smile appeared on his face and he started laughing wholeheartedly. Leave it to his mom to break the silence with that idea. When he was able to talk again, he promised her.
"Of course mom, you would help me pick the mother of your grandchildren someday." He actually intended to keep that promise to some extent.
*
"How is your Biǎo mèi?" Hu Ge questioned him, bringing him back to the present time.
"Oh, she is well. She's dying to see you again, you know?" Zhan answered nonchalantly.
"She's an upstanding young woman," Hu-laoshi told Zhan.
"Please, Hu-laoshi. She's one month younger than me, and you sound like an old grandpa," Zhan joked.
"Well, she is. She helped you a great deal when she visited you in Japan. I shared a brief time with her, but I could see she cares deeply about you."
"It's only natural. Our mothers are sisters, we both are the only child in our families, and we grew up like brother and sister. She is my closest family after my mom and dad."
"I understand. She looked very worried at that time."
"Yeah, we had kind of drifted apart before I went to Japan. Both of us busy with our graduation deadlines and...other things," a pang of longing coursed through Zhan, he thought about Yi Bo at that moment. In fact, it was rare when he didn't think about Yi Bo, but each time it was less painful. He seemed to have convinced himself to let go.
"What did she study?" Hu Ge asked curious.
"Interior design. She'll start a spin-off from our family company focused on interior design soon," Zhan answered.
Meanwhile, their waiter came back with their dishes, and they dug in with gusto. It had been a while since Zhan had been able to eat fully enjoying his meals. Now, it seemed that he was rediscovering Chinese cuisine. Their conversation continued.
"Really?" Hu-laoshi seemed surprised.
"Don't be fooled, Hu-laoshi. She's a sharp one. She actually managed to forged the deal we're about to sign tomorrow. Never underestimate her."
"Oh, I wouldn't dare. Intelligent people must never be underestimated," he stated seriously.
"Well, we haven't had the chance to talk much about her life lately, but she told me she had a surprise for me. So, now I'm expectant."
"But you talk to her?"
"Of course, she's my confidante. But lately, she had been so focused on me, that I haven't really been updated about her personal life. So, I want to know what this is about."
"Nothing bad, I hope," Hu Ge expressed.
"Nothing coming from her could be bad," Zhan said absolutely convinced about his words.
"Of course," Hu Ge accepted.
"By the way, you made quite an impression on her."
"Did I?"
"Yes, she constantly asks about you. She was ecstatic when she learned you will attend tomorrow's party."
"Really, why?"
"She's a dreamer. Sometimes her imagination runs wild."
Hu Ge looked at Zhan surprised. If that meant what he thought it did, maybe he had an ally in Zhan's cousin. He would have to explore that possibility.
**
In the end, Hu-laoshi had become Zhan's psychiatrist for the first months after his suicide attempt. It was more comfortable for Zhan to speak about his feelings in Mandarin and Hu Ge had a calming effect on his spirit. Eventually, three months after the incident, he could speak Japanese again, but he still preferred Hu Ge as his psychiatrist.
When his Biǎo mèi had come to visit him, he was well on his recovery path, and he could talk to her about Yi Bo. Of course, his actual name had remained a secret, but everything else was not. Zhan had share everything with her, and the most important details of his liaison with Bo had also been shared with Hu Ge.
Both of them had helped Zhan to come to terms with his heartbreak, with his pain. Revealing part of his pain to people dear to him had relieved the burden his heart seemed to carry. He had, of course, spared them from the intimate details of their 'relationship', but his own feelings were put on display for both to see.
They knew he was still in love with Yi Bo, but they also knew he was in the path of mending his broken heart, and both of them were in fact hoping he would find someone else to love.
He, however, was not in a rush to forget about Yi Bo. He still missed him dearly and some part of him was still hoping against hope they could somehow be together.
When Hu-laoshi's time in Japan ended, he referred Zhan to Dr. Tanaka Haruka, a wonderful psychiatrist that had helped him immensely. He had been ready to part from Hu Ge as his doctor, but not as his friend. Since their friendship was forged with Zhan's pain and tears, it had survived time and distance.
Nowadays, Hu Ge was a dear friend, and a new psychiatrist was still helping with his damaged psyche and heart. Dr. Yang was now his psychiatrist while Zhan was in Shanghai, and everything seemed to be going well.
*
He caught Hu Ge looking intensely at him, and wondered why. Hu Ge was his friend, he could even call him his best friend so his intense gaze surprised him.
Hu Ge seemed extremely preoccupied watching at him with a look akin to worry. Zhan couldn't help but smile and reassure his dear friend, "Don't worry about anything. I will be fine."
Somehow, Zhan's statement didn't comfort Hu Ge at all.
Final Note: If you don't know who Hu Ge is, please take a look. You are welcome!