‧̍̊˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛˚｡ °.𓆞 ·˙‧̍̊
𝐒𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐚 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐩𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫.
She knew it back when she was only a little girl, always offering to play the part of the dad during make-believe games. She'd take on a new name, a boy's name, and she'd hold the hand of her imaginary wife as much as she'd like.
Simple as that.
The afternoon when Emilia picked out her own name, they were laying on Silena's bed, shoulders touching. Silena's side and cheeks both burned- but as long as she refused to put a name to the feeling, she could stay in that position for as long as she wanted.
Nothing easier.
As the two of them went through pages full of baby names, she wondered briefly if her birth parents paid that much mind to the meaning of her name. If perhaps her mom watched the moon every night while her lover was away, a hand over her belly. Probably not. Even as a child, Silena was much too practical to have been named with such romantical intentions. It is much more likely that they simply liked the sound.
What does one do, when their name is devoid of meaning? Give it one themselves, maybe.
Emilia: to strive or excel.
Silena: a huge pining fool.
At seven in the morning on that particular January day, not putting a name to the feeling was harder than ever. It shouldn't have been, really. Mena is an awful sleep tosser, and somehow throughout the night she ended up with almost all of her body draped over Silena's. Not even in a cute way, but rather like she was unconsciously trying to suffocate her to death. There was also nothing attractive about the way she had managed to throw all the pillows onto the floor. Nor was there anything sweet about the way she grabbed the comforter all for her own. Still, Silena found herself staring at the ceiling in panic.
She isn't usually in much of a hurry to get up in the mornings, but she had to get out of there, pronto.
Guided only by the faint warm light above the stove, Silena tentatively goes through the motions of preparing a morning coffee. Just like her roommate, the sun is late to raise. It usually is on cold, gloomy days such as this one. Even if it did show, it'd be far too well hidden by the white clouds for anyone to notice.
Still too sleepy to properly function, Silena's hand slips, and an ungodly amount of sugar spills into Mena's designated mug.
Silena looks at it, very sadly.
"Fuck," she finally concludes. For a single, miserable second, she truly thinks of making a new one. Then she remembers who the beverage is for, and figures that it still might actually work.
When she climbs back to the room, two steaming mugs held in her hands, she finds Mena jumping into her black jeans.
Like, literally hopping around.
She looks up, as awake as a morning bird, and beams.
"Morning gorgeous," she greets. "How did you sleep?"
"It was the wildest night of my life," Silena deadpans.
Mena laughs, but at least she had the decency to make the bed once she got up.
"I get that a lot. A freak in the sheets, right?"
She winks, and Silena decides that she can't deal with whatever this is right now. With a motion that is far more disgruntled than it is hospitable, she thrusts one of the coffee mugs in Mena's direction.
The girl in question looks doe-eyed at the gesture.
"For me?" She asks, slightly bewildered.
Silena almost rolls her eyes. Who else would it be for? It's not as though she made two cups of coffee all for herself, and then just passed one to Mena for safekeeping.
She doesn't roll her eyes, and she doesn't say that. It's far too early for words, anyway. Instead, she just pushes the mug into Mena's hands again, this time with more decisiveness.
Mena smiles, and silently brings the cup to her lips.
Her silence, much like her coffee, never lasts very long.
She hums around the rim.
"Who knew you'd make such a sweet fake girlfriend, dollface?"
Silena glares at her over her shoulder, running a brush through her hair.
"Not everything is about you," she says, although this particular thing admittedly kind of is. "I made too much and thought I'd bring you the leftover."
Mena quirks an eyebrow.
"But you don't like coffee."
"I find it perfectly tolerable."
Mena tilts her head, clearly more amused than she's allowed to be.
"Uh-huh. Aren't you lactose intolerant, though?"
Silena turns around, sufficiently silencing her with a particularly nasty look. Mena raises one of her hands in mock surrender, but she's still smiling as she takes the next sip. And then another. And another. And then the entire thing is empty, in a matter of what could very well be milliseconds.
Silena silently thinks of all the laws of nature that are being broken, and of all the sugar presently making its way through her roommate's veins.
"Good?"
Mena nods, eyes bright.
"Best coffee I've ever had."
Figures.
The combination of sugar, caffeine, and Mena's overall Mena-ness makes itself known all through their ride to school. But unlike the morning a few days ago, when she genuinely contemplated jumping out of the car and simply walking to school in freezing cold, Silena finds that she doesn't mind.
In fact, she nearly enjoys it.
Nearly.
At some point throughout Mena and dad's conversation, she catches herself smiling for no reason at all. She frowns as soon as she realises, of course. Still, Lucy is already looking at her with a devious glint in her eyes, and Silena knows that the damage has been done.
"Silena has a cruuuush."
Damn it.
Whoever created younger siblings must have had a great laugh about it after being given the title of hell's employee of the month. They steal your toys, take all of your clothes, and then stab you in the back with a smile on their dumb, cute little faces.
"No, I don't," she says, "Shut your mouth."
Lucy giggles.
Silena looks up, and meets Mena's teasing gaze in the rearview mirror.
The girl quirks her eyebrow.
"Oh? Tell us about your crush, Silena."
She spoke too soon. Morning car rides are awful after all. Even dad seems to be enjoying this, and Silena crosses her arms over her chest.
"Don't have one."
"Then what's with the smile?"
She puts special care into making sure that her lips form a very displeased, very downturned line.
"I was just thinking about how nice it'll be to spend the first period without having to look at any of your faces."
"Your first period is chemistry, though."
"An upgrade from this, clearly."
"You hate chem," dad notes.
"Precisely."
Mena grins, unbothered by Silena's sour behaviour.
"Well, I don't think I can say the same. I'll miss your face terribly."
Silena's cheeks burn, and she doesn't say anything else for the rest of the ride.
When the burning sensation returns later that morning- upon seeing Mena talk to some boy in front of her classroom- Silena starts thinking that she might be coming up with a nasty fever. Like, a really bad one. Silena looks at the guy as he loudly laughs at something Mena had said, and her entire face feels flushed. Before she knows what she's doing, her arm is already around Mena's shoulders.
She can feel people staring. Even the passersby know that Silena Valentine is no fan of physically affectionate gestures.
Yeah. There's something terribly wrong with her today.
"Oh," Mena says. "Hello!"
"Yes, hi," Silena stares down at the guy. "Who's your friend, babe?"
The said friend gulps.
"Nobody," he says, voice squeaking.
"Silena, this is Stuart James. Stuart, this is my girlfriend, Silena."
Silena hums.
"A pleasure."
It isn't. This much is clear to everyone, except, maybe, him.
Stuart smiles.
Silena raises an eyebrow.
Stuart clears his throat.
There. Now it's clear to everyone.
"Well," he says, "I should get going. Uh. See you around, Mena."
He takes on more look Silena's stone-cold expression.
"Or not! Farewell."
He practically jogs down the hall, and Silena finally grins.
That is until Mena slaps her hand off. She frowns again, pulling it to her chest.
"What was that for?"
Mena doesn't seem even a little bit impressed.
"I don't know. You tell me."
Silena cocks her head. "I don't know what you mean."
Mena gestures towards her, and then in the direction Stuart had gone.
"You scared the poor dude shitless. Why?"
Oh. Right. Why did she do that?
Silena shrugs.
"He was wearing a Kylo Ren T-shirt," she says, as though that explains everything. "Also, I wasn't doing anything. He scared himself."
"Well, yes. But you were standing like that."
"Like what?"
"Like that."
Silena looks down at her body, and then back at Mena.
"I am literally just standing."
"Exactly!" Mena says, throwing her arms up.
Silena blinks.
"I... don't follow."
Mena squints at her, arms still up in the air. She looks ridiculous, frankly.
"Were you... jealous?"
Silena scoffs.
"Please. Jealous of what? The guy doesn't even have a proper last name."
Mena smiles victoriously.
"Oh my God. You totally were."
"I wasn't," Silena insists. "Though, now that you mention it, my girlfriend getting all chummy with someone else probably wouldn't look too great," she raises her chin, knowing that she's about to gain the upper hand in this argument. "Especially since you told Emilia we'd be competing in the Valentine's competition. Which is a month away."
The smug look falls from Mena's face, and she has the decency to look sheepish.
"Hah. Surprise?"
Silena isn't actually upset about it, but she knows a good cover-up when she sees it. At this point, she'll go with anything that helps her mask the confusing mess of her feelings. The fact that she isn't upset about having to uphold their fake dating arrangement for a whole month is problematic enough all on its own.
If she had the guts to join a name to her fastening heartbeat, perhaps it'd be easier to understand. That, though, is the one thing she will not do.
"Yes," she agrees, cooly. "You could say that."
Mena scratches at the back of her head.
"I'm sorry. I should have told you. Maybe we can just say we changed our minds?"
Silena waves it off.
"There'd be no use. The second you tell something that isn't a secret to Emilia, it can be considered public knowledge. Everyone will be expecting it now."
"I guess," Mena allows. "Everyone keeps staring at me because of the kiss. It's weird."
Oh, man. The kiss.
Yet another thing Silena is decidedly not thinking about.
"It was a decent kiss," she says.
Mena shakes her head.
"Klašuni made with no ammonia are decent. That kiss was a cultural reset."
"I have no idea what you just said," Silena admits. "But I hope the culture was reset properly, because it's not happening again."
Mena pouts.
"But... we'll need to charm the crowds to win the competition."
"And we can do it some other way. But that kiss wasn't supposed to happen in the first place, so-"
"No way."
Silena frowns.
"What do you mean, no way? I was very clear-"
"No," Mena interrupts again, and urgently grasps Silena's hand. "I mean, no way!"
Silena looks down at where Mena is clutching her hand, almost reflexively squeezing back, and then over her shoulder to where Mena is looking through the window.
And sure enough, there they are. Small snowflakes, falling at a quickly increasing speed.
How... relatable.
Suddenly, Mena is using the grip on her hand to pull her towards the door.
"We'll be late for class," Silena protests, but she barely puts any real effort in it. Mena must hear the lack of spirit in her voice, too, because she only smiles and pulls again. Silena follows.
She has been around snow for so long, she has nearly forgotten what it's like to still be so completely fascinated by it. Now, however, looking at the wonder in Mena's eyes, as well as the snowflakes woven into the dark waves of her hair, she has to admit she's starting to see the appeal.
Until Mena starts shivering uncontrollably, that is.
Silena has told her they should at least grab their coats before going out, and she had done so herself. Mena, though, seemed to be very impatient to get hypothermia, or something of the sort. Some consideration is put into whether she should suggest they go back in, but Mena is far too proud to give this up just because she made a mistake.
Silena sighs, and then unzips her coat.
"Come on then," she says, trying her best to appear disinterested. "Get in."
Mena just stares at her.
Silena puffs up her cheeks.
"Don't make it weird."
The look on Mena's face as she steps into the coat says that she will most certainly make it weird. She grins while Silena zips them up.
"You know," she muses. "You're actually surprisingly good at this whole fake girlfriend thing."
Silena knows that this can't be true. Although she might not be owning up to it, some part of her still knows that she is slowly but surely breaking the very first rule of fake dating.
"Trust me, I'm the worst."
Mena hums. Silena feels it vibrate in her own chest, and suddenly feels far too warm.
Must be the fever.
"I guess it's my word against yours, dollface. M'afraid you just can't win."
I think I already have.
Silena cringes at her own thoughts, and flicks Mena's forehead.
"No," she agrees over the other girl's startled yelp. "I guess I can't."
"I'm ignoring the implications made, and am instead suggesting a movie night. The weather's perfect for the ambient, and we could finally get around to watching our research movie pile."
Silena nearly protests, but then remembers the guy from the hallway, and how stupidly she behaved. Yes, the guy has a horrendous taste in movie characters, but it was unfair to Mena to possibly cost her a friend. No matter how much bad media he might consume.
"Sure," she says. And then, carefully, adds: "You should invite Miles and the earring girl, too."
Mena turns her head to smile at her, cheeks rosy from the cold, and consequently pushes her body closer to Silena's own.
"For real?"
"For realest."
Her voice cracks, but Mena is too busy being excited to notice.
And it's laughable, really. Because her whole life, Silena has known something was afoot. She knew it in kindergarten, and she knew it the day Emilia was lying next to her in bed. She knew it when she was dating Jonah, only because everyone had told her she should. Knew it when she felt her stomach churn at the thought of being romantic with him in any way.
So it's funny. It's absolutely rich that this fake thing is what's making her feel more real than her actual relationship had. And it's hilarious, the way this game of pretend might be the thing that finally gets her to put a name to the feeling long sitting in her chest.
But, well. Better late than never.
Mena leans her head back against Silena's shoulder, and all of those boxes saved for later finally come bursting open. It's not as scary as she'd thought it would be. She watches snow collect on Mena's dark lashes, and instead of pushing the image away, she holds it in her hands.
Holds it carefully, holds it gently. Holds it with more care than she thought she was capable of.
Holds it, until she finally knows its name.
There it is, written in the snow and clear to see.
Silena Valentine is a lesbian, and she has a crush on her fake girlfriend.
-
i sincerely apologise for how late this is. between moving apartments, the usual studying, and working on my nanowrimo project, i unintentionally fell a bit behind on my usual update schedule. i'll try my best to not let that happen again. thank you for being patient with me, and i hope you enjoyed! if you did, please leave a vote to let me know :-)