Arnav stared at the yellow ball of fire dip behind the mountains gradually, the sky emblazoned in fiery colours which reflected the intensity of the pain in his heart. The beauty of nature intensified the emotions he felt in those fleeting moments as sky gleamed in the last rays of the dying sun. In a few hours, he would have spent a whole painful day without meeting Khushi, something he thought he couldn't afford to do given how less the time he had with her was before he flew back to London. She had always known what she had been doing. His mind reminded himself while battling his anger and his longing for her.
"Dammit, I never had any fan following! I was the fan who was following Anjali. The first time I met her, I knew she was big trouble. I ran for my life, but in a circle like an idiot, and landed right in front of her again!" Nikhil's voice pierced through his thoughts and brought his attention back to the small empty bottle of beer in his hand.
"Akky, I'll have some more, can you please open another one for me?" Arnav said looking at Akash who was eyeing him askance.
"I like this idea of being drunk on Christmas Eve, boys. From here, we head straight to the concert! Now, this is serious fun!" Nikhil grinned as he had a swig of the beer and cleared his throat. "And where the hell are the chatter queens? Weren't they supposed to be here by half-past five?"
Arnav hauled himself up after Akash handed him another bottle. He walked aimlessly towards the edge of the plateau of the Crooked Hill holding the bottle in his hand, his eyes steady at the horizon, watching the sun fall behind the line where the heavens met the earth.
"Bewde log! That's an early start to the party!" Anjali's shrill voice echoed the still air as she walked towards Akash and Nikhil who lay on a large picnic mat staring at the sky above them. A big icebox containing bottles of beers and a carry-bag laden with munchies sat next to it drawing her attention immediately. She glanced at Arnav and hollered. "O Majnu ji! Laila will be here any moment. Can you spend some time with us before we lose you to her for the night?"
Arnav felt his insides explode, but he didn't react to her at all, and it surprised Anjali for a moment.
Akash cleared his throat and managed to draw her attention to him. "So, continuing with the discussion, there was this girl who was a big fan of Arnav--what the hell was her name?" He snapped his fingers repeatedly in the air, closing his eyes, "Aradhana? Am I right, Arnav?" He glanced at Arnav, who stood with his rigid back facing him "She was a lost cause. She would always have questions, a hell lot of them, but she sought her answers only from our dear Arnav ji! Right, Arnav ji?" Akash asked teasingly. He looked at Anjali with a grin. "Some beer, Anj?"
"Haan ji.. and why some? Ration hai kya?" Anjali stuck out her tongue and giggled. She picked up the bottle from the box and saw Payal walking towards them alone.
"Hey, Shy Pi! You look good!" Anjali squealed, but her face quickly wore a slight frown. "Where is Khush? Weren't you meant to pick her up?"
"No. Arnav was supposed to --" Payal faltered as she glanced at Arnav.
Anjali looked at Arnav and saw him stiffen immediately. Her eyes met Akash's and then Payal's and found their puzzled faces staring at her.
"Arnav? Where is Khush?" Akash asked as he glanced at Payal once again.
"I am here." Khushi's voice reached them before her, a minute later. She stopped to glance at Arnav for a moment and tried to calm down her heart which was racing inside her chest uncomfortably.
"You look lovely, Sakhi" Payal said with a warm smile.
"Thank you." Khushi whispered as she walked towards them.
Arnav fought hard but lost the battle to his heart and turned his head to look at her against his will. The intention was to have a quick glance and look away, but his eyes drank her in. Her flawless face was glowing in the setting sun as he watched her saunter gracefully towards the rest of them dressed in a knee-length black dress. There was that natural shyness to her body movements, and he felt his heart race in the way it always did whenever she was in front of his eyes. But the painful tug of his heart demanded his attention, and he looked away immediately.
"Arnav, come join us." Akash urged him, and Khushi looked at him expectantly, but he evaded her eyes without responding to him.
A quarter of an hour passed by as Khushi sat with the rest of them, stealing glances at Arnav, hoping to catch his attention. She had no idea what was going on in his head, and it was making her restless by the minute. By now, everyone had figured out something was wrong between the two, and initial excitement for the concert had begun to die down slowly. It was during one of these moments that their eyes met and Arnav's lips lifted upward and a dimple crinkled. Before Khushi realised it, he had started walking towards her as though with a purpose. Her heart gave an involuntary leap watching him approach her and extend his hand towards her. She grasped it like it was life itself and walked along with him towards the huge rock at the edge of the plateau.
Arnav stood still for a few moments without looking at her and heart hammered disquietingly looking at his stance. "Looks beautiful...this thing." He said finally as they both stared at the horizon.
Khushi swallowed in an attempt to ease her throat, which had constricted the moment she heard his voice after a long day. "Yes. The colours of the sky and the earth seem to have melted into each other. I can't see the defining horizon anymore." She whispered as she stared into the crimson skies.
He fought the warmth which came with her words, eager to breach the stone around his heart. He turned to look at her once and looked away again. "Why didn't you tell me, Khush?"
She drew in a shuddering breath and closed her eyes when she felt the pain in his voice. His words tugged at her heart, squeezing it painfully enough to stifle a sob in her throat.
"I am struggling to control my anger, and I know I am failing miserably." He glanced at her. "But I don't think I want any explanation from you now. I don't want you to say anything. You had your chance, but you blew it."
She stood still, silent, desperately trying to suppress the sobs that were promising to wrack her chest.
"Sit." He said softly, but his eyes sparkled ominously as they scanned her face. "Kabir told me everything yesterday night, Khush." He threw the words at her and watched her face turn white as a sheet. His heart skipped a beat as she stumbled while she was about to sit on the rock. "And you know exactly how I must have felt to hear about it from him. He almost laughed at the expression on my face only because the woman who claims to love me chose to keep me in the dark for reasons I cannot even begin to fathom."
Khushi was still looking ahead towards the horizon without meeting his eyes, and the glum expression on her face said it all. She had followed her instincts months ago and gotten herself into this situation, but her heart had no idea just how hard this was going to be when it all went wrong.
"My head is messed up, Khush. I have a few questions. Will you please answer them honestly, in a yes or a no for my sanity?"
She finally looked at his serious face for a moment with dread filling her veins and nodded.
"Did Kabir tell you he had fallen for you before I left for London?"
Her heart sank. She was suddenly drowning in the realisation that he now knew everything about the only incident she was hoping to hide from him all these months. It felt like she was trying to breathe under the weight of it and she needed that superhuman effort to break the surface and rise above it to utter words which would, in turn, drown him in a sea of anguish and despair. She forced herself to look up into his eyes to confront the slight frown that creased his brow. "Yes."
"And when he asked you if you wanted to be with him, your answer was--?"
Sweat coated her palms as she felt her heart hammer fearfully in her chest. She felt like a condemned man, watching the last few seconds tick towards the hour of his execution.
"You said yes?" He demanded, slightly angered by her silence.
"Yes." She whispered and closed her eyes to avoid looking at his face.
He continued to stare at her, his eyes reflecting the disbelief he felt, and something about the stillness on his face sent a cold shiver riffling up her spine. "You said you wanted to be with him?" His voice rose suddenly, startling the rest of the gang sitting at a distance from them. They stopped chatting at once and turned their heads towards the couple in question wearing frowns on their faces.
Arnav's voice cracked her resolve and silent sobs wracked through her, ripping through her heart and every cell of her body. She didn't say a word. After all, she'd chosen the path she was treading, hadn't she?
"I've spent the last night in hell hoping that Kabir was lying, Khush. And now I get the Shirley bit." He looked at her as his eyes held her's in a deathly grip. "You hoped Kabir and Shirley would get together so that the issue would be taken care of without anyone getting hurt. Am I right?" He asked her as his voice lowered, and she nodded slightly. "I don't believe myself, but I find myself saying I understand what you did." He paused "But why would you lead Kabir to believe you love him? Why wouldn't you clear things then and there? Why would you do that to him of all people!?" He looked into her eyes as though waiting for her to justify her apparent perfidy.
"Arnav—"
He raised his hand in the air, forbidding her to speak. "No." He said stiffly and stepped away from her. "It was your bloody decision to keep this from me. So now I want you to fucking stick to it. You deserve this. Period." His words slurred a bit and turned towards her again. "Do you even know that my brother is still stuck at that moment where had been stars in the fucking sky and some hundred diyas floating around in some goddamned pond while he held you in his—in his—" He turned away from her swiftly and shouted, "Oh, fuck this!"
Khushi felt the earth move under her feet. For a moment she thought she had heard him wrong. She kept staring at him, but not really. How was that even possible? Kabir had said he was trying to move on.... She found herself falling into the deep dark pit that she had diligently dug for herself over these months. She had been tricked. Again.
"I was under the impression that we have something solid going on between us, Khush." Arnav's words permeated through the layer of haze that surrounded her with the realisation that she had been misled once again. "But our relationship seems to be missing a very fundamental thing here. Trust! You didn't trust me enough to share this with me! I don't even think you know what love is. And —"
"You have to let me talk, Arnav. I—"
"And I am thinking, why should I?" He ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head. "You agree to have toyed with my brother's heart, and then you hid the whole thing from me as well. And now you want to engage me in some desultory conversation which will not convince me of why you did this, nor is it going to make any sense to me!"
"Toyed is a strong word, Arnav."
"Really?" He snorted "What else was it? Are you going to tell me that the circumstances were such that you had to lead my brother into this illusion that you love him and want to be with him? I expected something better from you, Khush!"
She looked at him helplessly. "Do you really believe I would lead him on for no reason and then go on to break his heart for nothing?"
"No." He said quickly and was in front of her in a couple of strides looking straight into her eyes. "Of course not. So should I assume you haven't done it?" There was a challenge in his eyes, daring her to deny it. Rage took over his senses when she didn't respond to him. "You bloody well know that he being my brother is a reason good enough to tell me what was going on between you two and top whatever fucking logic you had conjured up in your mind to keep this from me! You know his mind and how it works! God, you know what and how my relationship with him is, Khush! How could you have been so careless?"
She was shivering in the cool evening breeze. Nothing was going to work if he didn't let her talk, but she had to try, try once again before things blew up for good. "Arnav, nothing was going on between him and me. It—"
He held her by her arms, and his face softened for a moment. "I don't need those three damned words to tell me you love me more than I can ever imagine, Khushi Joshi." He said, his eyes heart-stoppingly intense. But a moment later those light brown eyes hardened as he shook his head while staring at her "But you couldn't trust me. And now I don't feel like trusting you anymore. What's the point of talking about anything?"
She felt her world go black, and her heart stilled. He gave her a blank stare and walked away. Fear froze her veins and panic numbed her mind. All she could see with her eyes or process with her mind was Arnav was walking away from her. Something snapped inside her, and she ran behind her calling out to him, but he showed no inclination of slowing down or stopping.
By then the gang rushed towards them when they saw Khushi running after Arnav calling out his name. Akash sprinted towards Arnav and forced him to stop mid-stride by placing a hand on his shoulder. "She is running after you, Arnav." He said with an edge in his voice. "I've known you long enough to know that you wouldn't do this to anyone."
"Let go, Akky. Right now my head is—"
Khushi reached to him quickly and pulled at his sleeve. "Arnav, just let me explain once. Give me just two mins of your time. Please." She pleaded in a quivering voice as tears rolled down her eyes.
Akash looked at her and then at Arnav. "I think you both need to talk and ...not here, not like this. I understand you are angry, Arnav, but —" He said in a grim tone watching Payal hold Khushi together. "You need to talk."
Arnav looked at Akash with a frown on his face, and his brows shot up in realisation. "Oh!" He cut through and looked at everyone, "So everyone knows what's going on!?" He stared at Khushi and broke into a mocking laugh. "Fuck! Everyone knew except me?!?" He cried in disbelief. "I don't believe this! I -- 'll see you all later." He said in a clipped tone and turned around to walk away when Payal's words stopped him.
"You have to let her talk, Arnav!" Payal raised her voice in anger but was cut mid-sentence by him again.
"Oh, really?!" Arnav looked at her flippantly. "Today is my lucky day then? Because Madam has had no intentions of saying a word despite me begging her to do so for so long!"
Akash faced him and held his shoulders, trying to calm him down. "Arnav, easy, mere bhai. Now that everything is out in the open, why don't you listen to her once, I promise things will make a lot of sense once you hear her out." He glanced at Khushi as she stared at Arnav with a blank expression on her face.
"Okay." He said as he stared as Akash. He then turned towards Khushi. "I am willing to listen to your brilliant plan or explanation, only after you answer this last question."
"I'll answer any--anything. I'll tell you everything, Arnav." She said, her voice hoarse swallowing the lumps in her throat.
"Were you going to tell me about this before I left, Khush? And I dare you to be honest with me this time."
For endless paralysed moments, they stared unblinkingly at each other. Finally, Anjali held her hand and broke the silence. "Yes! She was going to tell you. We spoke about this just yesterday, hain na Pi?" Anjali glanced at Payal, her eyes desperate for a nod from her. "Khush had decided that she will tell you about this tomo—"
"No." Khushi's steel voice cut through Anjali's sentence. "I wouldn't have told you before you left unless there had been a need to."
Khushi knew she had jolted him because he took a moment to recover from it. She held her breath as he seemed to weigh his feelings against tearing her heart apart. But his eyes told her that his feelings had won over everything.
"The nerve!" Arnav whispered as he stared at her, too angry to say anything. "Screw you!" He spat at her angrily and turned on his heel and walked off.
Khushi stood motionless, watching him walk away. She hoped he would turn around to come back to her like he always did. But he didn't, and it broke her heart. Hot tears rolled down her cheek, and she stood with the regret of having trusted a dearest friend despite been let down a few times. A dearest friend, she felt like laughing at the words.
Akash ran his fingers through his hair and glared at Payal "Now you see what I have been saying to you all this while?"
"Akash-"
"No." Akash said stiffly. "I am going with him right now. We can talk later." He looked at Nikhil, and they both followed Arnav down the hill.
"I'm coming with you Akash. I need to talk to him!" Anjali ran towards him.
Khushi caught up with her and held her arm and shook her head. Before Anjali could say anything to her, she turned around and walked towards the rock on which she was seated a while ago. Staring at the almost dark evening sky, her legs gave away, and she sat back on it numbly. "You were right, Anj." She whispered.
Anjali felt a shot of pain in her heart, and she rushed to hold her. "No, Khush! He is angry and has no clue what he is blabbering. Khush, look at me!" She turned towards her and looked into her eyes. "Kabir hasn't probably told him the whole thing, you know it too."
Khushi should've been furious with him for not allowing her to complete a single sentence or justify her stand, but she couldn't. She had no one but herself to blame. He had been the understanding one, he was the one who was always willing to listen to her. At times she felt that he loved her more than she deserved to be. The only thing he had misunderstood was the trust factor. It had never been about her not trusting him. She had messed it all up, and perhaps it was all over. Tears blurred her eyes once again while she sat rooted on the spot, the cool evening breeze moving the hair away from her face.
"Khush..." Anjali whispered as she moved closer to her and slipped her arm around her waist. "Allow me to tell him."
"No."
"Khush, he needs to know what happened. This can be salvaged!"
"No."
"I know it's frustrating because he didn't hear you out. Maybe you are angry too, and in a way, you have a right to be, but Khush, he—"
"No, Anj. I guess it was humanly impossible to understand that there could've been a reason behind what I was trying to do. Nothing justified it unless I told him the reason which I didn't, I guess?"
"Don't doubt your intention, Khush." Payal walked up to her and sat next to her and held her cheek in her palm. "You were always right. Your heart was in the right place. If he loves you enough, he will come back for an explanation."
"You are the sensible one, so think about it." Anjali looked into her eyes "My love, please, let me talk to him. He doesn't know the entire truth. Eventually, he will, and then he will come running to you once he knows what happened!"
"Kabir tricked me with his words again, Anj. That is where I lost the battle. I trusted him blindly. I trusted his tears like a fool. He let me believe that he was moving on. But apparently, that is not the case." She sighed, suddenly tired of everything and in a way relieved that everything was out in the open. "To be honest, I don't know what is hurting me more right now. Arnav being angry with me, or Kabir letting me down completely."
The storm had finally ebbed into the silence that lay between them and all around her. It seeped into her bones and gnawed at her mind, forcing her to think about things she never thought she would have to. All the shoulds and should-not-haves ran around her mind in circles, making her feel dizzy. In the end, she managed to silence her mind too.
"I am done, Anjali." Her own words smashed the threads of tension that had wrapped her heart and mind together for months. "I am done." She repeated, this time as though for herself.
Anjali and Payal looked at each other and then at Khushi. A frown creased their brows as one of them asked "Done? What do you mean done?"
Khushi kept looking towards the sky. "Kabir will always be there in my life because of Arnav. And as long as he is there, I cannot have a life with Arnav." A huge lump lodged itself in her throat, and she tried clearing it to avoid tears. "You saw how Arnav is when Kabir is involved. He is sensitive about him, and I don't blame him, I would be the same if I had a sibling. They are brothers, and they always will be. And so it will never work out." She paused to look at Payal. "My only hope was Shirley. God, I had prayed and wished for them to be together." Her voice quivered slightly. "But I guess I was naive and stupid. Arnav was right, it can't be that mechanical." She smiled with a pang of sadness that was engulfing her heart. "I don't even know what Kabir is up to, but now it does seem like he has no intentions of moving on at all. And there can't be a happy relationship built over his broken heart. I don't have the heart to do that even if Arnav wishes to. I won't be able to do it. So this ends here. For me. And I'm sure for him too." She smiled wistfully as fresh tears pricked her eyes once again.
"I dunno what to say.." Anjali held her hand in her's. "I would say, give it some time. It's too soon to decide, Khush."
"There has to be a way, Khush. This can't be it. You guys are —" Payal said, holding her close, her eyes welling up looking at Khushi's dejected face.
"—perfect together?" Khushi said with a wry chuckle. "As you can see, what happened today had nothing to do with what me and Arnav share. As long as Kabir has feelings for me, this quiet storm will always keep rocking my world. Maybe Kabir never intended for this to happen or has done it deliberately. But it has happened regardless, and it will happen in future too."
"I think you are right in a way, Khush." Payal agreed. "But as Anjali said, it's too early to make this big a decision. Arnav is angry right now, but he will come around. Have faith in him."
"I don't want to put everything on his shoulders as others do. Especially his family. This was one of the reasons why I was avoiding telling him. He will be in a situation where he won't be able to choose, and it's a hard place to be in, Pi."
"Khush, listen to me. Talk to him. See what he says and then decide. I know this is overwhelming, and everything is incredibly messed up right now. But you both are sensible, and it will be sorted out soon." Anjali said as she hugged her tightly.
"Kabir will always be an issue, Anj. For some reason, I feel half of Arnav's anger today was because he has had time yesterday night to think about precisely this. Now he knows, we both are screwed. There is no straightforward way out of this."
The girls fell silent, and Khushi sighed. "Let's go home." Khushi got up, fatigue catching up with her. "I am skipping the show. I'll see you guys tomorrow."
Anjali and Payal exchanged a glance "We are coming with you." Anjali stood up, dusting the mud off her dress.
"I have never asked of this from you two, but may I please be on my own tonight? I want to be alone." Khushi's eyes were almost pleading, ripping their heart apart.
"I don't want you to be alone, Sakhi." Payal held her hands in her's. "We just want to be around. We promise we won't talk to you. But at least we are there next to you if you--" Tears blurred her eyes as she tightened her grip on her hands. "Okay, I understand. I'll let you be, but you won't leave alone. I'll drop you home right now. And Anjali is in town this week, so we both are a call away, always. You know that, right?"
Khushi smiled and shook her head. "That won't be necessary Pi, as I'll be busy thinking about where it all went wrong and why, for a very long time to come."
******
Note: Phew! Would love to know your views. :)