RENESMEE
"You think too much of yourself!" Jacob yelled.
I stiffened as I heard his voice. I felt the tension that had gathered around and hear the intensity behind his tone. There is a great deal of emotion behind those words; certain aggressiveness, irritation and possessiveness.
All the heads turned to them.
I tried to think of way to stop this, before waiting for a disaster to unfold.
"It's not about me. It's about her." Chris uttered.
My heart pounded hard, as Jacob trembled vigorously against him. His fist suddenly wrapped around Chris's shirt.
"Then you should better stop making assumptions about her!" Jacob snapped, while he pushed Chris against the wall.
"I don't assume things Jacob....things were better before you'd return. She was happy!" Chris declared where Jacob pressed him harder against the wall.
"Jacob!" Dad and Carlisle interrupted.
"Jake?!" Mum shot him a murderous-warning glare.
Embry stepped forward. "Jacob! Let's get out of here."
In that frozen second, between fighting and standoff their eyes flicked to me and then back again. All of our faces unreadable and vacant.
I realised the sudden mistake of predicting them on the same side, assuming that both of them would at least have a little effort towards friendship. But I didn't realise that magic does not exist and....all of this is wrong. Totally wrong! I expected things to go differently, not in a fairy-tale magical way, but atleast easy, where the damage is prevented.
I tried to form my motion into sentence. "Jake, he didn't do anything wrong. He's my best friend and he was trying to help me."
He didn't look at me. "Stay out of it, Ness!"
Chris stared back at Jacob, where his eyes didn't move an inch either. "Aah! So scared to standby the truth?!" Chris said, as his eyes moved back around Jacob neck.
I shook my head. "Chris please! Just stop this both of you. Okay?!"
"No not today, Renesmee!" He paused. "He should be well aware of what you feel!" Chris snapped those words at Jacob.
What you feel! The word stuck my mind. What does that means? My head got tucked at those words draining all the other thoughts, preparing for an answer I never expected to reach; just like a very critical subject where it's up to me how I handle it. Where I have two options: First, to let it destroy all of this or Second, I can destroy it myself. And I heard a scoff that interrupted my flooding thoughts.
Chris shrugged himself away from Jake's grip, shoving himself away where Jacob, while Jacob's eyes remained fixated upon me, absurdly. Was he waiting for an answer?
"She's silent Jacob! So I hope you better be quick to understand this." Chris said.
I gulped down. "I...uh..."
The tension all around was so high, that I found Alice opening the window for the reason alone.
"...I don't know what to say." I said, choosing the right words. I held my breath. "...because right now I can only derive the picture of two people, whom I love the most, are fighting and screaming on each other, at their faces." I gushed over the words, which seemed as an exact reply I was yearning for.
Jacob stepped towards me where his eyes did the failed attempts to pull himself together, wiping away residue of hurt that ran in simultaneous lines over his face, just to tell me how much he still cared. "You had second thoughts, Renesmee?!" He cupped my face, his eyes locked with mine. It scared me to look at those deep brown troubled eyes that used to shine with brilliance once.
"Jake! I didn't~"
His eyes flickered to the floor. "And this is what I never wanted you to have! Atleast not for me." He exhaled. He dropped his hands walking away from me as a pain turned into tears, rolling down my cheeks.
"Jacob?" I whispered, gripping his arm, and I felt a soft gentle touch on my wrist.
"Renesmee." Chris voice wisphered softly.
I let go of Jacob; as his hand gently pulled away from me. He left.
Sometimes the one who left you broken returns, all different and changed, where all they want is to make amends and start over right from where they left. But...it's not fair, to just expect everything to remain same for always. People change, things change and I know that now, it's different.
"We're sorry." Jared said, as the two footsteps left.
I felt like standing at the ocean edge, where the sense of sinking in the sand collapse beneath my feet. That's how it's been with us: Jacob coming and going, where I stood in one place whilst the world crumbled at my feet but now, it's my turn to move.
My gaze flicked to Chris, who stood immovable. His eyes etched to the floor, apologetically. Dad and mum were imprassive, feeling sorry for me.
The soft rhythmic tone of the music in the background, turned into a sudden buzzing, persistently annoying me. I walked to the CD player, reaching for plug and took it out. I found Rose and Alice stiffened, wrapped around an authoritive hand of Emmette and Jasper, where Esme's hand tucked at Carlisle's shirt.
"I am...sorry~" I said.
I ran upstairs, shutting the door behind me, catching my breath. The streams of tears filled my eyes. All I could hear was silence and the sweet breaths of those present in the hall like a soft lullaby.
I shut my eyes. He should be well aware of what you feel! I opened my eyes back again, catching my breath. How do I explain this? No! I would never be able to show them, how much both of them mean to me. I wish I could just let them look into my mind, so that they could see how in love with them I am! They are the two integral pieces of my world 'where I am the child of the moon, raised by the sun, walking with the winds along the sky drawn by flowers.'
I can't let go of anyone. I don't want to miss them the rest of my life and keep consoling the hole they'll leave behind, that would ache in the quiet light of morning, in the dark-ink spilled night, in the bitter of blue dusk because both of them.....had left a trodden-black mark on the path to my soul.
Then how could I choose and spend every day for the rest of my life proving myself that I made the right choice, where the sorrow of losing another would hang heavy in my chest, like an anchor pulling my heart down to tear it apart, where the dignity would scream to walk away from the decision I made.
No! I thought. I cannot let this happen to me, where with loss comes so many other feeling: feeling of blame, torment, anger, sadness, heartache and more. I am bound to those feelings that conquers my heart as if it's a kingdom.
I breathed, as I sat on the bed for the sake of support so so that I can make sure I'm not gonna fall or trip due to the sudden giving up of strength from each of my body parts, slowly engulfing my mind. I shut my eyes closed. Tears have made a track down the cheeks but still I kept my eyes closed....because I don't want to face reality.
Knock! Knock!
"Are you okay?" asked the soft familiar voice with concern.
My eyes shifted to the door. "You can c~" My voice cracked. I tried to clear my throat, to let my voice return. "_come inside!" I added.
The door clicked unlock; while Chris peered inside searching for me.
"I'm right over here." I said in a low, crisp voice. His eyes flicked to me and I gave him a slight smile of reassurance that states I-am-holding-up-just-fine.
He inhaled, walking towards me. "Let me guess?" He sat beside me, as his eyes narrowed. I looked at him, where those ocean-deep-blue eyes stared at me back.
"Renesmee!!" He questioned. My eyes stretched wide. He leaned closer. "Did you hear about kid-napping at the school??"
"What!!?"
"It's ok! He woke up." He smiled.
I rolled my eyes. "Chris~" I chuckled.
"No really." He laughed.
I stared at those rare smile with the relief; which had a quality of eternal reassurance in them, that fades the reality and understands everyone just as far as one wanted to be understood. Giving you the total commitment that everything will be okay, just keep smiling.
I bit my lip. How does he gets to know every time, what I really need?
"What's the deal? C'mon say it!" Chris said.
I shook my head. "I don't know what to say!"
He took my hands, squeezing it gently. "Say that, you want to kill me for doing this. Say that, you are gonna make that Mr. Buzzkill sit right in front of you forcing him to spill out whatever happened. Say that, you look cute when you are mad~"
I laughed. "And?"
"~and say that, after all this you are strong; strong enough to fit all of this. Say that, you'll always be ready when the fate is staring down at you and you are ready to decide what you want!"
"I don't know what I want?!" I gribbed his hand. "I don't know~"
He scoffed. "I know, you know." He nodded. "I know, that there somewhere deep down in your beautiful heart, you are very clear with what you want or what you feel." He shifted closer to me as his hands rubbed mine. "You just have to be ready and reach out for them."
"I can't do it myself." I said. Yes! I'm scared to know what might be the consequences! What if I make the wrong choice? What if~
"Don't let it happen to you, Renesmee. Don't let those thoughts threaten you." He leaned closer, that our heads remained inches away from each other. "Because this would be the last thing you will have to dig up alone, for after this, there will be someone who's gonna hold your hand, forever." He sighed. "But for now, it's you...who will have to choose that someone." He pulled away.
Why is it necessary to choose? Why can't I have both of them in my life, together?! I don't want to push the other one away and give up on happiness he brings to me!
Forever.
"But how am I supposed to do that?"
He stood up. "I know, you'll get your ways through."
Wait! Why does he always has to leave me grieving for answer? To find something I will never even dare to dream? What does that say? Am I really conflicted? He smiled and turned around to leave.
"Chris!" I called. I walk over the table to get the stone_beaded bracelet. "Your Christmas present." I streched out my hand to hand it to him.
I never thought I could know someone so deeply and I am not ready for the things to change so instantly for me. I can never think of leaving someone who fills the void in my heart with feelings of understanding only by his smile.
"Here. These stones are the mixed origins of Agate and Aventurine. Huh!" I paused. "Agate known as the stone for balance that fosters love, abundance, wealth, luck and protection where the peach aventurine has the healing properties which are often recommended to help with anxiety, stress and is said to have a positive effect on thoughts and strengthening one sense of self." I pursed my lips. "Also, I found these charms hanging it over it that~" I added.
He smiled. "I know~" He stepped forward blinking. "A cross for being reminded of love and Mother Mary as if to make me realise that I'm not alone?"
"I guess_Yeah!" I smiled. I was shocked. He knew exactly, what I thought the moment I laid my eyes on this bracelet. "And how can we forget your beliefs on Christianity!"
"Oh! It's..um...I don't know. It's beautiful✨. Thank you." He whispered.
I held my breath as I reached for him. My arms wrapped around him gently that felt too little and too late for me. He embraced me back into his arms.