"It's more than being in love"
"There's more than just being in love?" Dean seemed perplexed, though nevertheless intrigued. This wasn't the first time they'd talked about love. They'd had talks in the past about love and the meaning of it all. How each defined love and if either had experienced it.
"So much more. I mean I guess by definition it is being in love but the way I feel, I can't just call it being in love. It's so much stronger than that. The word love doesn't suffice, doesn't do my feelings justice."
"Sounds painful...was it?"
"It was...and it is, in an unavoidable way. It's like I want it to stop, but I don't want the feelings to go away?"
"You still love him?"
"I always will. It's not something that just goes away, Dean."
"Then why aren't you with him. Why are you still in the life?"
"It's complicated." It always was.
"He didn't know?"
"He didn't know... didn't know I love him, didn't know he was in love."
"You could tell?"
"Yes, Dean... well, sort of. Loving someone isn't really something someone can hide. Not really. I mean they can try. Chalk it up to caring about then as a friend or just being a kind person but there's only so much, only so far, a friend would go for your favourite drink or — or remember a stupid comment you made ages ago, or play your favourite song 'by accident' so you can watch them dance in the passenger seat while they sing wholeheartedly even if you hate the song. If you're in love you do those things. That's how you tell or at least guess."
"I do those things for you."
There was a pause as he looked at her with a scared expression of realization on his face. He blinked and swallowed. She looked at him with a knowing look and then got up and continued making her bed breaking eye contact.
"Well, that's just what I define as love Dean. It's not the same for everyone."
"Right. Cause I'm not in love with you right? We're friends I'd die for you but that's the job right?...right Y/N?"
"That's right Dean." She was hardly hiding the smirk on her face.
"I'm not in love with you am I?" He most certainly was and knew it, though he'd kept it to himself for the longest time until his attentive brother spotted a few things out of the ordinary. After a short talk, Dean came to terms with it and Sam promised not to say a word of it to Y/N or Dean for that matter. Dean made his brother swear not to mention it — ever. He'd still denied his feelings, mostly so that it wouldn't hurt as badly knowing she loved someone else. He went about his life as he always had.
"You tell me." she was chuckling. "Dean, really, just forget about this whole conversation. It's just blabber, you know that, nothing important. I was thinking out loud."
"Okay... what was his name? The guy you loved I mean."
"Right, like I'd tell you his name. And Dean, you don't have to talk about him like he's in the past. He's still alive and well and I talk to him on a regular basis."
"Wait so he's alive and you talk — Y/N why aren't you with him. What the hell! Why don't you get out of the life, go be happy."
"Like I said. It's complicated."
"Why don't you tell him you love him. Someone like you Y/N, he's bound to love you back and I mean you already said he does."
"Dean really. I'm happy just knowing he's okay."
"How can you say you love him when you're okay with just 'knowing that he's okay'. If you love them wouldn't you want to be with them every minute of the day? Like you said; play their song even if you don't like it! Find them their drink no matter how far you have to go for it! If you love them just tell them what's so complicated about that!"
"You're one to talk."
"Don't make this about me!" It was unlike Dean to take such a subject so personally.
"Dean why are you so mad about this. Why do you feel bad for this guy!?" He paused.
"I just know that if someone loved me as much as you seem to love this guy... I'd want to know about it."
"Why? So you can leave them broken-hearted. Dean, you would never be with someone. You've made that perfectly clear since the day I meet you. You've always been a 'one-night' type of guy. You've never shown any interest in a relationship with anyone! Not since I've known you."
"That's 'cause the only girl I wanted a relationship with was the kindest person I've ever met and could never want a relationship with me! I couldn't do that to her in the first place! Tell her I love her and ruin everything! No way. She's got this amazing 'give 'em hell' attitude and doesn't care what other people think. She speaks her mind and catches me off guard, keeps me on my toes and I'm happy just knowing she's happy and safe!"
"You're a hypocrite Dean. You're mad at me for not telling him I love him, yet you're perfectly comfortable with doing the exact same to her."
"That doesn't matter because she loves someone else anyway Y/N, why would I go and ruin that huh."
"You're such an idiot. Screw you Dean, just man up and tell her, quit being a pussy." With that she stormed out of the room, only to walk back in.
"This is my room." She stated matter-of-factly. With a sigh, Dean apologized.
"I'm sorry Y/N I didn't mean to make you angry I just, I want you to be happy and I just... if you really love this guy you should be with him."
"He doesn't want a relationship, Dean. You'd like him." Y/N rummaged around her room collecting her PJs piece by piece and finally her towel, leaving the PJs on her pillow.
"Do I get to know his name." He chuckles.
"Ask him yourself, you see him in the mirror every morning." She had mumbled it but he still heard her. That was the thing with Dean; he would always listen to what Y/N had to say.
With that, she walked out and to the bathroom to take a shower. Dean was left standing in the middle of the empty room shocked.
~~~~~~~~~~
When she returned he was gone. She got on her PJs and went to the library hoping to spot him and ask if everything was okay or maybe just see him, wish him goodnight. But when she entered the library she was interrogated by the taller, worried, Winchester.
"What did you say to him?!"
"What do you mean 'what did I say to him?' Sam, I've been in the shower."
"Before that? Y/N he stormed out of here muttering something about how badly he fucked up how it's all his fault how he doesn't want to hurt 'her' who I'm assuming is you. What happened?"
"I accidentally told him I love him... not in so many words but I obviously got my point across."
"What, exactly, did you say."
"We were talking about love and I mentioned that I love someone and after a long conversation about said person I was going to take a shower but before I left the room he asked for a name. I told him he could ask him himself seeing as he sees him in the mirror every morning. And then I left to take a shower. I didn't mean to hurt him or freak him out honestly it just came out. I think part of me was tired of hiding it. It didn't even register until I was in front of the mirror myself. I'll go out and find him, Sam, I'm sorry, man it...I'm not...it's not gonna happen again."
"No, no just leave him be. It's probably best you let him cool off. Talk to him I'm the morning maybe?"
"And say what Sam 'I'm sorry I let it slip that I'm in love with you.' No thanks."
"Y/N..."
"No Sam really I'm just... I'm... I need a moment to figure stuff out okay."
"You're not gonna pull a Dean and leave are you."
" I don't know yet Sammy," she shrugged "but if I leave I promise to say goodbye."
"Y/ N..."
"I'm going to sleep Sam, I'll see in the morning okay."
With that, she walked off back to her room cursing herself and Dean for being pathetic and childish respectively.
It took her hours to fall asleep both because that was the usual but also because she was actively listening for the bunker door to open signifying Dean's safe return home. Though that wasn't unusual for her either when Dean was out.
She woke to a loud thud that was followed by the sound of dragging feet. Them Sam's voice and Dean's though his words were more so grunts than anything meaningful.
"She's really upset Dean what's wrong with you man. She tells you she loves you and runs off to some skank you find at a bar!" Sam whisper yelled at his brother not realizing she lay awake on the other side of the door.
"I didn't run I drove, as for the skank there wasn't one. You know I haven't been with anyone since I met her, Sam, you know that now quit bitching at me just because you don't like the way I deal with my shit, okay. She doesn't deserve this mess, Sam. She's supposed to fall in love with a good guy who can make her happy and take her places, nice places. And- and make her smile all the time just to see it because it's his favourite thing on the planet. She deserves a guy with a real job who can support her and their family, should they chose to have one. A job at which he gets a raise, and not just from hell, Sam, a real raise, with more money and fewer hours so he can spend more time with her. Someone who gets her a Great Dane puppy because he knows they're her favourite. She deserves a guy who — who loves her. Someone who loves her."
"You should talk to her Dean. If not to tell her you love her, then to tell her you're sorry... and goodbye. Because Dean that's what it's looking like. She's gonna leave and you're not doing a thing about it man, and I know you're all broken up about the fact that she loves you but I'll be damned if you don't say, something Dean. You fucked this up. Now fix it."
Sam left Dean to ponder his thoughts in the hall. She didn't hear him move for fifteen minutes. And then he walked off.
Dean went to his bedroom changing out of his street clothes that smell like blood from the guy he partially beat up and the whisky that was spilled on his shirt earning the aforementioned man and his beating. Dean took a scalding hot shower, rinsing away the tension in his shoulders and back that would return the minute he shut off the water. He stepped out from the shower wrapping a towel around his waist looking over into the mirror. Wiping it clean with one hand as the other rested on the sink, toothbrush in his grip, he looked to his reflection. She was behind him smirking back at him, her arms around his waist.
"Aren't you gonna ask?"
"Ask what...?"
"His name silly, he's standing right there." She said pointing at his reflection.
"That's him?"
"That's him."
Dean let out a breath he hadn't continuously been holding in, bringing his tough hand over his face before brushing his teeth and leaving the bathroom as quickly as possible, a plan in mind. He put on his PJs, which consisted of an old band shirt and a pair of sweat pants, before proceeding down the hall at a slow tiptoe.
She didn't hear him approach her door, however, she heard him knock.
He felt stupid the second he did it realizing the late hour but was relieved when he heard her rustling around for a minute before the door open.
She stood there, band T-shirt hung loosely over her shoulders, sweats pilled up at the ankles due to the large fit. He stood there, band T-shirt taut over his muscle, sweats hung low on his hips. She looked at him with red glossy eyes before turning around heading back to her bed.
"Close the door behind you it's cold and bright out there." He stepped in closing the door behind him.
"You're cold?"
"No, I just said it's cold out there."
"Right... sorry" he watched her crawl back under the covers into a ball in the nest of pillows on her bed.
"We have extra blankets if you're cold. I can get you some if you want."
"It's fine Dean. Why are you here? You have fun blowing off steam?"
"I didn't do anything. I went to a bar with the intention of blowing off steam but couldn't do it. I ended up beating up some poor sucker up for spilling a drink on me and then I took a very long drive."
"You still intend on—"
"Not really, no. I thought if I could go do that to you then there was nothing to worry about. That I didn't reciprocate your feelings and then all I'd have to do is tell you that and you could move on. But I couldn't do it. Even if it would have been for the better. For you at least... Sam told me either tell you how I really feel or say sorry and goodbye. He thinks you'll leave. You wouldn't would you?"
"I'd still see you guys, just not every day." She could hear him breathe for a few seconds contemplating his reply before he spoke, or rather whispered.
"Y/N, I'm so sorry."
"That's the one you pick huh. You'd rather apologize and say goodbye then just man up and quit lying to yourself. Because at this point, Dean, that's all it is... I guess I couldn't really expect much more huh, but a girl can dream... I've already forgiven you, Dean, if that's all you came here to say then I forgive you. I've forgiven you for everything, even the things you haven't done yet, Dean, you've been absolved." The sarcasm was evident as was her pain. "Now all that leaves is goodbye. You first, go ahead."
Dean stood there looking at her, teary-eyed, though she couldn't see them in the darkness of her room.
"I'm sorry..." he said again. This time he choked on a sob and she was on her feet in a heartbeat, rushing over to him.
"Dean are you okay?"
"I'm sorry for everything. For not telling you I love you every time I had the chance, for making you think I didn't, for making you feel like you couldn't tell me because I was so unapproachable. Most of all I'm sorry I love you in the first place. I'm sorry I can't tell you to leave and meet someone else, make a better life for yourself. I'm sorry I can't say goodbye and let you go because I'm a selfish, selfish human being." He was sobbing at this point, overtired, a little drunk, and finally breaking under the weight of the information that was now pouring from his mouth.
She looked up at him angry and heartbroken.
"I've only ever wanted you, Dean. I never wanted the perfect husband with a house and a family. I never wanted to be uncontrollably happy. All I ever wanted was you. I wanted you and I wanted for you to be selfish with me. Wanted you to want me and not let anyone else have me. I wanted for you to be the one I fall asleep with. For you to be the one to fend off my nightmares and vice versa. You make it out to be this great big job to be a boyfriend. Saying you want me to be with someone who loves me. Someone who will protect me. Someone who will do their very best to make me happy. Dean, I feel my happiest when I'm with you. I feel safest when I'm with you. I feel the most loved when I'm with you. That's all I want Dean. It's not hard. It's no more than what you already do for me. Just be there for me, Dean. Just love me."
She had angry tears rushing down her face now, her eyes squinted closed. She looked up at him seeing his teary eyes. Though there was a hint of a smile, however sad, on his lips.
"I do."
Was all he said before kissing her. He didn't rush it. He moved closer as slowly as he'd done everything else thus far when it came to her. Testing the waters. When their lips met, time stood still for both of them. That kiss had been the lead character in both their dream for ages and it was finally winning its Oscar. Softer than either could have ever imagined, the kiss was quintessential. Parting as slowly as they had joined she whispers up to him, eyes closed, clinging onto his shirt with both her fists.
"Dean...can we just...go to sleep. I'm really tired. And really cold."
"I thought you said you weren't cold."
"Well I was lying"
"Why would you lie about something like that."
"Because you were freaking out over it before I even said I was and the only way I wanted to get warmer was...well I didn't want more blankets, let's put it that way."
"How do you mean"
"Oh man, you really are dense"
"Hey, what!"
"Can we just...just go back to bed?"
"Of course sweetheart. Did you want more blankets?"
"No Dean I want you in my bed. My personal heater. How on earth do you get all those women to sleep with you when you can't even take a hint?." Dean, meet light bulb.
"Oh. Oh man, how did I miss that."
"Just get in bed, you moron."
She took his hand and lead him to her bed moving a pillow or two over for him to have room. Letting go of his hand she crawled back into bed turning to him only to find him standing at the edge, a look of uncertainty on his face.
"Dean?"
"Y/N, I just — once I get in I'm not getting out. Once I do this I'm not leaving. Never. This is it for me. You're it for me. I just want you to be sure. Because there aren't any take-backs. It's a done deal. Please be sure."
She didn't say anything. Instead, she took his hand pulling him into the bed. He lay next to her, still unsure until she rested her hand on his chest feeling his heart rate escalate. She smiled at him taking one of his hands only to put it over her heart.
"You do the same to me, Dean."
He moved his hand up to her face. Trying his best to look confident in her statement trying to believe that this was real and not just a game.
"I'm sure Dean."
His expression didn't change with her reassurance.
"You're not gonna believe it right away. Hell, you may never believe me but, Dean, I'm sure. It might take you some time to start to believe. To realize that I'm not going anywhere, that I'm in it for the long run as well, but I am. Take your time. We have so far, so why rush it now? And don't be afraid to voice your worries. If you're feeling like you don't deserve me then tell me because I'll talk you out of it — or maybe kiss you out of it. If you ever feel unsure of my feelings Dean, ask me or tell me. I'll show you how I'm feeling. Okay. Don't hide. I'm here with you. Can you do that for me?"
All he did was smile, this time a genuine one, and nod. She kissed him a smidge harder than the first, a hardly noticeable difference, and he kissed back immediately.
"Go to sleep Dean. I'll see you in the morning."
She didn't fall asleep nor didn't he, learning each other's breathing pattern and temperature resilience. She had snuggled up to him so tightly you'd think they were one being but he liked it. He felt safe. After hours of drawing designs on hands and chests, he said something. Something she didn't expect to hear maybe ever. He had said it in so many ways already though he hadn't yet declared it to her. It made her heart skip a beat and her stomach do a flip while the rest of her body tensed around him gripping his shirt, though she personally felt like jelly in his arms. Her mind went fuzzy and she felt at that moment that all was right in the world. That nothing could go wrong from then on because no matter what; she had him. She had Dean.
"I love you."