Suman felt a bit uneasy as she sat in Gujral's chair.
'Doctor, what now?' Suman questioned eagerly, as she stirred in the chair. It was her fifth session, Bunty and Kanchan's wedding was at a swing. Shravan was finalizing the decor for the day and she was supposed to help him. But her restrictions to stay away from overworking herself, and sometimes her medications made her a bit too moody and touchy and whatnot, that she almost started hating herself with a new origin.
'I don't understand.' Gujral shook his head.
'I just don't know when it's going to end. If I am not triggered, or as you say, getting that period of the day where I hallucinate, I actually keep worrying about what will I do when it happens. It's always on my mind and in that process, I keep away. What if I hurt people in the whole process? Plus it's my sister's wedding preparations going on nowadays, I just don't know. I fear I will mess up anytime.' Suman clasped her forehead.
'Whoa! Ms. Tiwari, calm down.' Gujral gave her a grin and then proceeded to scribble in the prescription. 'I am giving you tranquilizers and anti-anxiety pills.' he gave her a look to which she nodded in affirmation. 'Not, the sedatives.' Gujral huffed. He gave her a silent look.
'I won't be able to sleep without......' Suman just let the sentence trailing. The nights always bought her trouble. It was just like, normal nights with nightmares, for the past 7 years, but with Shravan's presence, she wanted it to be different.
Too many expectations. She mumbled.
'Sorry?' Gujral heard a faint mumble.
'Nothing.' Suman answered almost instantly.
'So. I want you to fight back. You are a doctor yourself, the moment you feel leftover or too anxious to continue without these pills, without the sedatives, in particular, take them. The last thing I want you is to hallucinate. That can be only over with therapy and of course mental rest.' Gujral continued.
Suman let out a sigh. Her hallucinations had considerably reduced and now she felt much better. Shravan literally stood out of her washroom when she bathed, timed her schedule, and was all hovering around her to watch out if she cut herself.
Once, it got too embarrassing, with him guarding the bathroom door without her knowing it. She walked out, totally unaware of, only her innerwear on and nothing, and then it was a sight to behold. Shravan and his awkward, cute, and innocent cover-ups. 'I didn't see anything!' he screamed and ran away.
'How do you feel nowadays?' Gujral enquired.
'Happy. Light. Shravan has been practicing helicopter parenting with me. He is all over me.' Suman rolled her eyes. She was genuinely elated to see Shravan always around, sometimes bickering with the wedding planner, sometimes coming early from the cantonment with a bunch of chocolates and red roses, and sometimes, just sitting in the living room lounger, knocking over a newspaper and tea.
He was the drug to her cure. She knew it.
'All over you?' Gujral pressed on the words.
Suman heard his words and coughed. Okay, it was a fake cough. 'I don't understand.' she tried smiling.
'Oh, Ms. Tiwari!' Gujral raised his hands and dramatically closed the tip of his pen. 'I don't need to be a doctor, to prescribe you a cure to "that" problem.'
' "That" problem?' Suman played along. She was getting the air of the conversation.
'Okay. Cut it. As your attending psychiatrist, what about love?' Gujral questioned in hope.
Suman felt the question hit the base of her heart. It turned bitter there. Suddenly she felt a weird sense of unwanted gloominess like it shouldn't have happened. 'All gone.' she gave her head a sudden tilt and averted her eyes to the floor. It was teak-like.
Gujral assumed that he had already cracked her mood up. But being her doctor, he had to dig more than the surface. 'What is love for you?' Gujral questioned, yet again to her disappointment.
Suman let the question sink and paste itself on the walls of the room. 'Love is like the song you knew but didn't listen to. You obsess over it.' Suman's voice was definite and hurt. It wasn't breaking but looked plastered as if it had overcome the tremors of hurt. 'When it starts playing it's all so lovely but when it gets in the mid, it isn't sweet enough and maybe till the end you won't be even listening to it anymore.' she let her throat leave the disgust to the gist of their conversations.
'You have had your perfidies in love.' Gujral looked in her eye. 'Now is the time, to let yourself loose Suman. Shravan is my friend. I know he is a good man. A really nice one.'
Suman just let those words fall on her, like a smooth feather- a leaf. 'And you know he is a good man, not because he is my friend, but because he is your love.' Gujral moved towards the baby plant, kept on the window pane. 'Love and prayer can cure ailments and move mountains. It's just not a saying, Suman. Let it be...the way it should be. However,' he clapped his hands in sudden excitement 'I need to water my plants.' he left almost immediately, making Suman wonder if she should start gathering courage for the right thing, for her own happiness.
----------
'Shravan?' Suman called out to him. She had first visited the wedding planner, thinking that he might be there. But he wasn't, so she came back home.
Walking towards the kitchen, she again called out to him 'Shravan!'
A few moments later, she felt him tap her shoulders mildly. As she turned around he stood up with a teacup. 'Sumo special.' he mouthed and then like a ritual, kept the tray down and gave her a warm hug. It had become too natural for them to even think otherwise.
'Thank you, Shravan!" Suman let herself stay in his embrace a little longer than usual. Today, it felt like a new realization was running through her whole body. She could read a hundred things more in Shravan today, his strong cologne which affected her senses a bit more, his nose buried in the nape of her neck which made her shudder and happy at the same time.
With that, they both sat down discussing the session. Shravan always took her prescription, memorized her pills. 'Captain Malhotra on the drill!' Suman mimicked a dramatic salute to which Shravan just rolled his eyes and scrutinized the doctor's letter even more deeply.
'Suman, no sedatives this time?' Shravan had already caught the difference.
Suman looked away. But then she could not get away without an explanation. ' Sedatives were making me really irritating Shravan. I was a sleepy head all the time. I don't want to be a mess for people around me. It makes me........' she let her sentence trail low 'I don't want to hurt you.' she said, her voice breaking at the base.
'Oh seriously! Suman TIWARI!' Shravan was clearly annoyed by her self-destructive ideas. 'You know that good sleep is the most important thing in this world for you. That makes you relaxed for the whole day.' he reasoned, carefully.
'Not without you. You make my day, relaxed.' Suman stared at her nails, like kids who were getting away with an innocent excuse.
'Oh! Okay! do as you wish.' Shravan got up and left for his room.
Suman, who tried to stop him, found him already gone from hindsight. 'FINE!' she announced and let herself enjoy Shravan's SUMO special tea.
---------------
11 PM
Suman tossed and turned around in her bed. She felt her blood rising to her skin. Okay, it wasn't a bright idea to give up sedatives and fight with Shravan on the same day. It was lethal for her. She felt shivers in her body and it was difficult to even close her eyes lest sleep. Her stock of sedatives was over- (horrible news) and she was planning to bring it the next day.
She felt like crying. She won't be upsetting Shravan more, what more could she do to make it better?
She was too afraid to sleep in such a miserable condition. The nightmares would make it worse that way.
After what felt like hours of hardship in her bed she felt a soft knock.
'Y...Ye...Yesss..' she let her mouth take out a sob with the answer. Even before he came in she knew it was Shravan.
Shravan was immediately inside, fastened by her cracky throat. 'Suman!' Shravan approached her in haste.
'I am not brave Shravan. I am sorry.' Suman could not help but burst into tears. 'The sedatives are not in stock. I tried finding them, but..' she wiped her eyes and then her nose.
'Fool!' Shravan sweetly mocked her before sitting beside her and taking her small oval face in his palms. He let himself absorb her features and look deep in her eyes with a hint of consolation so that she absorbs the heat of his care. It always worked. 'I am with you, now- stop worrying!' she nodded like a child and let her head loose in his lap.
The vacuum in her chest slowly was filled by his warm hands fanning her head. She looked up at him and just stared for minutes.
'What?' Shravan laughed, and then patted her cheeks but she didn't deter. Shravan let her do it because it made his heart flutter and nerves reach a calm end.
This time, she didn't say anything.
Because it wasn't anything.
It was the realization of love.
It was the realization that she couldn't do it without him.