No matter how temporarily two souls are interwoven, they always leave a mark. But not every mark is a bruise. Loving him was an honor, never a burden.
— Noor Shirazie
"What does Brekhna mean?"
"Lightning."
"Is it another beautiful coincidence that our names mean the same?"
"Maybe."
"Well, I still like Leyla more."
She doesn't know what is more cruel: to have distanced herself from him so her heart could've gotten time to get accustomed to his absence. Or this, making memories with him she knows will haunt her once they part.
But he's the darling of her world, the center of her universe; her thoughts revolve around him all the time. And just like him, she's selfish too. She's trying to grasp whatever moments she can get to spend with him and not let them go waste.
He extends his palm to her and she places hers against his. They're sitting on a blanket at a beach and the dusk is falling. The hours she has left with him are only few now.
"I like how your hand is smaller than mine," he tells her.
She chuckles softly but doesn't say anything
"Do I sound dumb?" he asks apprehensively.
"No, you sound cute."
"But I don't want to sound cute to you."
"What do you want to sound like then?"
"I want to sound romantic to you, qalbi."
She slips her fingers through his and lock them, smiling. "You sound the most romantic to me when you say my name or call me by an endearment," she tells him.
"Leyla." He tilts his face closer to hers. "Qalbi, habibi, hayati, shamsi, qamari—"
She covers his mouth with her hand as she laughs, halting his chain of endearments. "Stop, you tease."
He kisses her palm before removing it. "One more."
She tilts her face towards his too, whispering, "What?"
"Malikati," he whispers back. "My queen."
She grins and lowers her gaze, feeling her cheeks burn and shying away from him. There was a time when he told her being his wife didn't make her his queen. How the tables have flipped is flat on her comprehension.
"You were never a shy woman," he comments.
"You don't like shy women?" she bugs.
"I don't like any woman. I like you."
"A man not liking women? How do I accept this?"
He chuckles and nudges his nose against hers. "Before you, I've never known what type of women I like. But after you, every description of you is what I like."
"Flatterer."
"For you, all my words offer are only sincerity."
She looks into his eyes and finds a million suns burning there, like some powerful display of hell— a perfect description of agony. She knows the smile on his lips is deceptive. She knows he wants to give her only sweet memories to remember him by, to compensate for his past sins, and to burn down whoever in the future might try to take his place. He has brought demolition upon every other man for her. No one can ever replace him, she's sure. Her heart isn't even hers now but his and only his, without even the concept of another man.
He takes her hand and they both get up from the blanket, slowly walking towards the shore. Her eyes reflect the sun sinking behind the horizon, like a canvas with colors in mayhem. Her gaze sails across the orange rays before finding him, his golden orbs already awaiting her dark ones, letting the contrast bewitch her.
"Were I the pale blue sea under lilac sky, would you have loved me then?"
She smiles at his words, the beach sand feeling soft beneath her feet as she steps closer to him.
"What if I say I love lightning storms in blackened nights more, would you believe me then?"
His lips pull back into a grin of his own, displaying his perfect set of teeth, but his irises shade melancholic. Every breath she takes feels charged— the air has a spark. Yet a piece of her heart remains missing, making her feel incomplete.
His agile fingers reach out to graze the back of her hand up to her wrist, holding it gently but firmly. He lightly tugs her towards himself.
"Stay, Leyla. Don't leave me."
The longing in his request only turns each of her fiber more raw, making her soul feel more sore, as she feels helpless in front of his desire. She knows she has to leave him against her will, but she also knows her wishes aren't what matters the most right now, but only what is right.
"I love you," she tells him with a pained smile. "Limitlessly. And God is only fair, for He never leaves a heart broken." She drapes her arms around his shoulders. "This time shall pass too. Our hearts will mend too."
His hands come to rest on her waist and he releases his breath unsteadily. "I love you so much that even these words don't mean enough when I say them to you. Beyond any expressions. Even beyond my actions can show." He grazes one finger down her eyebrow to her chin. "God, what is this heart? Only the Creator knows the madness inside it. So adamant." He tips up her chin. "So reckless. Why is it so hell bent on killing itself?" He leans towards her. "I've told God that you're my peace, even though He already knows. I begged Him in every prayer not to take away this peace from me. Is this a test or a punishment, qalbi?"
She threats her fingers into the hair at his nape, tugging gently. "What do you think?"
"I think a woman with a heart of gold comes as a reward, never as a punishment. But I know not of my virtue for which I've been blessed with you." He smiles and kisses her forehead. "I think our separation is my test, to prove to my Lord that I deserve you. So I'll be patient until you return again."
She mirrors his smile and places her hand over his heart, feeling it beating beneath her palm. "If it is so, then God made you mine for you have a heart of gold yourself."
"You made it so, Leyla. God made you the reason."
"And I couldn't be more grateful to be this reason, Burq."
She hugs his torso and rests her head against his chest, watching the waves come and go, lapping at the sun, until they swallow it all and only its rays remain, the sea reflecting them to be lost in her gaze.
She has only one more night left with her husband.
➳
The intercom announces his flight but he keeps sitting beside her on the bench, not budging. He has send Waleed before him and stayed behind himself. She watches people move without her mind interpreting anything her eyes are seeing. She wants the minute to still and stay so forever, never moving forward, but rewinding instead. She doesn't want him to leave.
She feels him holding her hand and standing up. She follows like some hypnotized person. They both begin to walk out of the waiting area and she clutches his hand tighter in fear. Their time together is running out, each moment shorter than the last. She doesn't want to let go.
They both reach the point where they've to part ways and he stops. She stands beside him, feeling wooden inside, yet hurting at the same time. They've only a few minutes now. Something inside her starts cracking.
He turns to look at her and smiles. His smile once more betrays his eyes but she returns it nonetheless, knowing well the situation is the same with her.
"Burq." She lifts his hand to her lips and kisses his knuckles. "I... I..."
He just pulls her into his arms and embraces her, warmly, dearly, holding her to his chest for a long time, as if trying to memorize the feel of her.
"Don't cry, qalbi," he mumbles into her ear, kissing her temple.
"I'm not." Her voice cheats her as it wavers.
"Yes, you are."
She tries to gather herself, steadying her voice before speaking again, "I'm not. I'm fine."
She pulls away from him and looks up at him, finding his own eyes glossy but trying to appear alright. She never meant to put him through this pain. Why did she? When Lawangeen died, bringing him justice was all that was on her mind. How and when Burq came into the picture and tore apart all her plans is beyond her understanding. But in the end, she knows it's the plan of God that always works. And He's the best planner, she tells herself.
"Go now," she asks him and forces out another smile.
"Leyla..."
"Go." She gently pushes him in the direction to leave. "Go, and don't look back, please," she urges him, not finding it in herself to keep holding herself together for long.
"I'll wait for you," he tells her. "Come back to me soon."
"I'll find you again," she promises. If not in this life, then another, she wonders but doesn't speak her thoughts out loud, knowing this isn't something he'd like to hear.
He nods and cups her face, kissing her forehead before hugging her once more. She inhales deeply, taking in his scent and filling her lungs with it. Only if he could remain in each of her breath forever.
"May you be in the peace of God. Take care of yourself," he says.
"You too."
"I love you, qalbi."
"I love you, my heart," she repeats meaningfully.
He pulls away and steps back. She motions for him to leave. He takes few more steps back, still holding her eyes, and she finds the gleam in his eyes fade, dull, and become lifeless. He gives her one last smile and she returns it weakly, achingly, before he turns around and starts walking away, and she's left with only staring at his back.
He doesn't stop to look back at her as she had asked him not to, and she doesn't get to catch another glimpse of his handsome face. And soon, his figure blurs and grows smaller and smaller until he disappears out of sight, and she's left there staring at the air.
This something cracking within her now breaks and shatters.
She comes out of her reverie only when someone runs into her in their hurry and quickly apologizes to her before rushing away. The gulp of reality is too bitter to take. She blinks and looks around, the world still functioning like usual even though it has stopped for her.
Her limbs feel heavy but she drags her feet after her to a bench and sits back down. The intercom announces his flight leaving and she keeps sitting deaf afterwards, oblivious to her surrounding. He's gone.
She pulls out the antique mirror from her purse that he had gifted her and stares at her reflection. Unlike the last time when she was looking at her reflection, he isn't here to complete the picture for her. Her eyes are red rimmed and glossy, and when she blinks, more tears escapes her eyelids.
Life is no fairytale, darling. Happily ever after doesn't exist. What exist are moments that feel like it, and we must cherish them. When you find those moments, Brekhna, open up your mind to them. And when you find people who give you those, grasp them with both hands and home them in your heart. But remember, my daughter, nothing in this world last. So when memories fade and people leave, as one day they must, then nothing remains but only God and His love. And if you put your faith in Him, you'll find what you desire and more, for His treasures and bounties exceed any human desire. Then have faith, Brekhna, and you'll find that you're not alone but your Lord is with you.
She wipes away her tears and smiles at her reflection. "You were right, mother. And I've faith in my Lord." She clutches the mirror in her hand and presses it to her chest. "Someday, we'll be back together once more, when everything fall into place. Then we'll never part again but when death comes. I promise you that, Burq. My heart, I promise you."
She gets up and leaves the airport.
Tomorrow, she leaves for her home too.
➳
Who doesn't like happy endings? I do too. But life is no fairytale, darling.
Hey,
So I know you all hate me rn for this, either you expected this or not. But remember the excerpt at the beginning of the book? Well, turns out I'm one of those authors who plan endings before beginnings and my whole writing flows towards that point.
But guess what? Since I've broken your hearts, apologies, and you all have hearts of gold for keeping up with me so far (entirely grateful to each of you for that), I've decided to give you guys a chapter of Burq and Leyla's first person pov (so you can read the story from their point of views directly). Plus, an epilogue. So yup, this is not the absolute ending and there's more to read. (But, my absolutely busy days have me going insane and I've no more writings in store, this is gonna take some time).
Don't forget to share your love and thoughts.
See you all in the coming chapter.
Laiba (:
PS: I've an Instagram account for writing now where you can read my poetry and proses. Check it out at: @growingupincolors
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