-July 10th 1998-
At Monica and Rachel's Me,Chandler,Phoebe,Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters wearing a tux.
Joey:Hey.
Chandler:Oh no,no,no,no,no,no vomit tux!. No,no vomit tux!.
Joey:Don't worry I had it dry cleaned.
Monica:Vomit tux?.Who vomited on y'know what,what you up to Joe?.
Joey:Well I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a job as co-host.
Elizabeth:Oh that's great!.
Joey:A little uh good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do!.
Phoebe:Ugh PBS!.
Monica:What's wrong with PBS?.
Phoebe:Ugh what's right with them?.
Elizabeth:Why don’t you like PBS Pheebs?.
Phoebe:Okay cause right after my mom killed herself I was just in this really bad place y'know personally.So I just thought that it'd make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street cause they were so nice when I was a little kid!.No one ever wrote back.
Chandler:Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.
Phoebe:All I got was a lousy key chain.And by that time I was living in a box.I didn't have keys.
Joey:I'm sorry Pheebs I just y'know I just wanted to do a good deed.Like,like you did with the babies.
Phoebe:This isn't a good deed you just wanted to get on TV.This is totally selfish.
Joey:Whoa!,Whoa!,Whoa!.What about you, having those babies for your brother?.Talk about selfish!.
Phoebe:What,what are you talking about?!.
Joey:Well yeah it was a really nice thing and all but it made you feel really good right?.
Phoebe:Yeah.So?.
Joey:It made you feel good so that makes it selfish.Look there's no unselfish good deeds sorry.
Phoebe:Yes there are!.There are totally good deeds that are selfless.
Joey:Well may I ask for one example?.
Phoebe:Yeah it's…Y'know there's no you may not!.
They are standing on either side of Me and Chandler as they discuss the point.And me and Chandler are disgusted with the whole argument.
Joey:That's because all people are selfish.
Phoebe:Are you calling me selfish?!.
Joey:Are you calling you people?.
Me and Chandler roll our eyes.
Joey:Yeah well sorry to burst that bubble Pheebs but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay?.And you the deal on Santa Clause right?.
Phoebe:I'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm gonna beat you,you evil genius.
Ross's phone rings and he answers it.
Ross:"Into Phone".Hello...Emily?,Emily!.Oh my God!,Oh my God it's Emily!
Ross picks up a lamp and hands it to Chandler for no reason.
Ross:It's Emily everyone!.Shush,shush,shhst!."Into phone".Hi...No wait!.Look wait.Okay you can hang up but I'm gonna keep calling!.I'm gonna,I'm gonna call everyone in England if that's what it takes to get you to talk to me!...Look you're my wife.We're,we're married.Y'know? I-I love you.I-I really miss you. "To everyone whispering".She's talking.
Everyone:Yay!.
Ross motions for us to keep quiet including Chandler who is still holding the lamp Ross handed him before he goes off to talk to Emily in private.
Phoebe:Hey Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Clause you meant?.
Joey:That he doesn't exist.
Phoebe:Right.
Phoebe turns and opens her eyes in shock....Later at Central Perk Me,Chandler,Monica,Dakery and Rachel are hanging out.
Rachel:So guys have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?.
Dakery:Uh yeah.She uh,she uh,she uh might've mentioned him.
Rachel:So Mon when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man?.
Monica:Oh he's really shy.I-I don’t think he's up to meeting everyone yet.
Dakery:Yeah I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.
Rachel:I don’t care!.I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had!.
Dakery:Really?!.That's what you heard?."To Monica".You said that?.
Monica:I might've said that.
Dakery laughs.
Monica:Why is that funny?.
Dakery:Because I'm very happy for himAnd you,you lucky dog!.
Ross Enters the Cafe.
Ross:Hi.
Monica:Hey!.
Ross:Well Emily's willing to work on the relationship.
Chandler:Yes!.
Elizabeth:That's great!.
Ross:In London!.
Monica:What?!.
Ross:She wants me to move to London.
Monica:But you live here!.
Ross rolls his eyes.
Monica:You know that.
Rachel:What,what,what are you gonna do?.
Ross:I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to move to London with Ben.
Monica:Yeah I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife.
Ross:It could happen.
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At Monica and Rachel's Me,Phoebe,Rachel and Monica are hanging out.
Phoebe:I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed.Y'know that old guy that lives next to me?.Well I snuck over there and,and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop.But he caught me and force fed me cider and cookies.Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass!.
Rachel:Maybe Joey's right.Maybe all good deeds are selfish.
Phoebe:I will find a selfless good deed.Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right.
Dakery enters the apartment with Chandler.
Dakery:Hey Monica?.Can I ask you a cooking question?.
Monica:Sure.
Dakery:If you're cooking on the stove does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?.
Elizabeth:Chandler!.You told him?.
Chandler shrugs at me.
Rachel:Is he?
Monica:Well y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend.
Dakery:Why?!.I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had I'd be going like this.
Dakery jumps up onto the table and starts doing his happy dance.
Elizabeth:"Sarcastically".Well some things haven't changed since senior year.
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At Monica and Rachel's Ross is telling Me,Chandler,Phoebe and Monica about Emily.
Ross:So I asked Emily if she would come to New York and she said yes.
Chandler:Yes!
Phoebe:Ooh-ohh!.
Monica:Great!.
Ross:No,no,no!.Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.
Phoebe#Why?.
Elizabeth:What?!.You can't what did you tell her?.
Ross:I told her I'd have to think about it.I mean how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision?....I'm actually asking you!
Chandler:Well you can't just not see Rachel anymore she's one of your best friends.
Monica:Yeah.But he can't not exactly see Emily I mean that's his wife.
Phoebe:Yeah.
Chandler:That's true.
Elizabeth:Yeah but you've known Rachel since High School and you cannot just cut her out of your life.
Chandler:That's true.
Monica:No you cannot.
Ross:Thanks for the help problem solved."Wipes his hands".
The phone rings and Monica answers it.
Monica:"Into Phone".Hello...Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be on TV?."Looking at the TV".You're not on TV.
We see Joey waving his hand on TV.
Elizabeth:Hey there he is!.There he is!.'
(Joey:Hello New York!.
We see the woman bat his hand out of the way.)
Later on at Monica and Rachel's Monica and Phoebe are cooking as Dakery is reading a magazine and Ross enters.
Ross:Okay that's it.I cannot make this decision!.It is too difficult so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate.
Ross holds up and starts shaking a Magic 8 ball.
Monica:A Magic Eight ball?!.You can't be serious you can't make this decision with a toy
Phoebe:Oh it's not a toy.
Ross:Well I don't know what else to do.I mean I either keep my wife and lose one of my,my,my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before I'm 30.So,so if anyone has,has a better suggestion let's hear ir.Cause I-I got nothing!.All right don't be shy any suggestion will do....Okay then.Here we go.Magic 8 Ball should I never see Rachel again?.
Ross turns it over and reads the answer.
Ross:"Reads".Ask again later.Later is not good enough.
Ross shakes it up again and reads the answer.
Ross:Ask again later.What the hell.This is broken!.It,it is broken!.
Monica:All right let me see.
Monica grabs the 8 ball.
Monica:Will Dakery have sex tonight?."Reads".Don't count on it.Seems like it works to me.