'It's your choice.' Gujral raised his hands with a slight grin.
'You want me to stay?' Shravan asked Suman as they both sat in the chairs of Dr. Gujral's cabin. Suman looked at him, perplexed. 'I, I don't know.' She didn't have any clue what it would be like to talk about all those things in front of Shravan. Like he already knew a hell lot of things, about the diary and the razor and the cutting the slack- all that part but it would be so different when she would talk- like really talk about her fears. It won't be easy.
'Then I will see you soon.' Shravan very well knew that being along with Suman doesn't really mean to stick with her. It's about saving her fall, and not about getting her wings. She needed to fight her own devils.
As Shravan left, Suman's gaze followed him till the door opened and closed in his absence.
'Clever man.' Gujral remarked obviously.
'He is.' Suman smiled a bit.
'Are you two, together?' Gujral pretended on looking in papers.
'Does it seem so?' Suman questioned him as he lifted his gaze.
'I don't see violins and roses Ms. Tiwari, but yes it feels so.' Gujral shook his head, thinking of cutting the conversation to a different topic. Seeing Suman nod and keep her quiet, he broke open to his first question.
'Look, Ms. Tiwari, I don't want to delve into your professional choices or achievements. Things are going to get personal, but that would fall under patient-doctor confidentiality. I won't tell Shravan anything which you say here- in line. I would just tell him the conclusion of such sessions because he has bought you along. He wants to be here, and you seem comfortable with him. Am I clear?' Gujral explained.
'I understand.' Suman nodded. It felt like she was digging a pit in her stomach, or maybe plowing a graveyard of emotions.
'Okay, so first questions- How do you feel when Shravan isn't with you? I mean, when nobody is with you? When you are alone.' Gujral enquired.
'Okay.' Suman pressed her lips together. Give away your secrets, sweetie. It was her brain but the voice resembled her mother.
No. It can't be happening.
Pushing away her thoughts, Suman concentrated on the conference. 'I don't think that the questions are mutual. Shravan has just come into my recent life, like a month ago. And I have been lonely, for a very, very long time.'
Gujral noded for Suman to continue further.
'You see, I just don't feel like talking to many people, because....' Suman could feel her voice go hoarse 'because I know they won't cut my slack. They won't give a shit. So I stay away because nobody really gets what I want. They all pretend to. So, I prefer to be alone. That's easy.' Suman sucked back her tears. It was much more difficult than she had ever imagined- to talk about what you think. In a diary, she wrote- her pen talked and not her.
'Easy? Not happy?' Gujral scribbled something.
'I don't know.' Suman gulped harder.
'When do you feel, happy then?' Gujral looked in her eye.
Tell him. Suman could again hear her mother. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. She can't hallucinate her mother right now, in her psychiatrist's cabin.
'Water? Can I get some?' Suman tried dodging away from the question. She tapped her knuckles and let herself keep her eyes closed.
Gujral scanned her. She was hiding, everything. But he had seen all of it. He sees it almost every day. The secluded, isolated, and I-do not-care behavior. He picked the landline 'Get me a glass of water.'
The best way to keep a particular conversation going was to change the topic.
'How about your sleeping hours?' Gujral swirled the pen.
'They have significantly reduced. For the past 6 months.' Suman stated. 'But the problem is, I doze off pretty readily. Like, I won't even know. How does that relate?' Suman questioned.
'Oh, that relates pretty much. Just like energy conservation, we have tiredness-conservation. You know, your body isn't going to wait for you to rest. It will get a chance, depress the functions and here you go. See, Ms. Tiwari.' Gujral's smile died a bit. 'This isn't insomnia. You know, I know, that we are having a bit of different psychic trouble. So, how often do you doze off?'
Suman felt her heart racing. It felt she was ripping her skin open. 'A lot. A lot many times, like between conversations, like this, it just happens. I don't know and I am done figuring all this out.....' a few tears made their way to her cheeks. She wiped them instantly hiding her gaze from Dr. Gujral.
Gujral pushed forward a pack of tissues. 'I get that.' he thought over jumping to the hallucination question but decided against it. ' Outbursts. Are you angry about something?'
'See Doctor Gujral, most of the time, I don't care. And I don't know how I have evolved to this point, but it genuinely doesn't matter. It seems like I am watching a story going around me, and they all take my name and I listen, unable to stop anything or make any difference to the giant scheme of things. I am nothing.' Suman rubbed her temples. A commotion at the door bought her water, for which she was thankful.
'Oh, it can't be that simple. Like nobody makes a difference in your routine, not even.....' Before Gujral could complete his question, Suman interrupted.
'That's not the truth. Shravan, we were, I mean- kinda are fighting a court case. I am withdrawing it though, but off-late with the trials and everything, we have had a spat. More than once. And, curse me, I have been really insolent towards him and still, he does so much for me, you see..' She pointed her hands towards the door. Shravan was just sitting outside, this mere thought bought a smile to her face.
'I see.' Gujral shook his head. 'So, you care about what Shravan says about you.' Gujral rolled a paperweight in his hand.
'I do. And that's because.....' Suman fidgeted with her fingers. This statement was making her go dizzy.
'Hey, no need to justify. It's clear when you get angry with him....' Gujral's tone was definitive.
'No. You are taking it wrong. I get angry with him, or "got" angry on him because of the trial.....' Suman felt defensive but nobody was really accusing her. The brain is a funny thing.
'Are you sure?' Gujral interrupted unhindered by her trailing sentence.
Suman gulped harder. This wasn't something she had expected. She wanted to run away, hide behind a false facade of justice and revenge, and whatnot. But it wasn't really happening.
'I don't know.' She stole her gaze. 'Can I leave, Doc.?' Suman asked, getting up on her seat before Gujral permitted.
'I haven't tied you. I'll give you a call for another session, Ms. Tiwari. Have a nice day!' Gujral stood up but Suman had already left.
--------
Suman clasped her hands tight on her bag. She had no idea why she was being such a rude and insolent git to a doctor who was trying to help her. Or was he just ripping her skin apart?
'Drive me. Drive me home.' Suman stood, near Shravan who was just skipping past magazine pages.
Shravan listening to her voice and overcoming an instant shock stood on his feet. She wasn't okay and he was not going to embarrass her by asking that question. 'Sit in the car. I am coming.' he walked past her as Suman shook her head in positive. She felt bare, she needed to hide- to be protected. Whatever she had promised Shravan, about helping herself - was maybe just making everything worse.
-------
'What happened, Ravi?' Shravan walked up to Gujral. He was a 6 feet tall man, mostly thriving on coffee.
'She isn't really fine. But I can't force her. I can only pester her to talk.' Gujral shrugged.
'How is that supposed to help any of us, by the way?' Shravan was angry. He thought that everything is going to be fine, but it wasn't.
'Hey, Shravan. Take it easy.' Gujral patted his shoulders, but it was Shravan's turn to shrug. 'You see, forcing her to spill out things, going behind her like crazy is the last thing we all need to do. She wanted to walk off during our first session and I can't tell her to stay. She is an adult.'
'She is an adult but she needs medical attention for god's sake.' Shravan clasped his forehead.
'It's isn't a tumor or some skin burn. It's psychic trouble, and I need to respect her headspace.' Gujral explained.
'Respect her headspace? What would you do if that headspace tells her to cut the slack off forever? What about that cuts? Who's gonna stop that? Who's gonna tell her that she is loved, that she need not make herself guilty, or something? What if...' Shravan let himself puncture his eyes into a shut. He couldn't let those words out. 'What if we get late?' his voice was painful.
'You.' Gujral pointed his finger at Shravan's heart. 'You asked me that how can you be helpful to Ms. Tiwari?'
Shravan nodded his head. He was feeling like the directionless soldier, maiden in the mid of the battle- without a plan.
'She holds you in regard. She knows that she can be angry with you. She admits that she expresses herself with you. She likes talking about herself in a picture you stand along. Do you get me? I may not know what she has for you, but it's something. Something special.' Gujral offered him a half-smile. 'I am gonna call for the next session. Till then, stay with her. Make her feel that it's okay to let the world fall around you, it's okay for things to go wrong. Don't lecture her, just make her realize that. I can't do it without your help, you get me, buddy!' Gujral said.
'I get you. Thanks.' Shravan walked away.
'Something special' he smiled to himself.
----------------
'Stargazing?' Shravan offered a proposal. He was concentrating on the steering and sensing Suman all quite popped up an offer.
'What?' Suman questioned, coming out of her lost self.
'I said, let's pluck the stars, through our eyes.' Shravan said, all dreamy.
'Oi! that was just so cheezy!' Suman lifted her nose and flashed a smile.
'Oh just stop it Sumo!' Shravan shook his head. 'I was cheezy times 100 when I was a teenager. Now, I have retired.' Shravan accepted.
Suman was still stuck at "Sumo". It felt nice to hear it from him, but there was an instant fear to be happy. What if it doesn't sustain?
'I accept you offer Sir Shravan. Drive me to the stars.' she said, uncharacteristic of her introverted self. She had barely accepted any friendly outings for the past 7 years.
'Okay, Madame.' Shravan shook his head in positive, with a smile, and drove faster.
To the stars.