Day 8: I Also Look Like I Just Rose Up From The Dead.
This was all my fault.
Never in my entire life had my father hit a woman, or even threatened to hit a woman. In any case, he preached against it. He absolutely despised abusive men, and had given speeches about it countless times in so many places, had staged interventions for women who were under trauma, and had provided for women who were left with nothing because of the men that used them.
You can only imagine my shock when he hit my mother last night.
I, for one, understood why he did that, thought it didn't excuse his behaviour.
I'd heard the story one too many times of why he couldn't make it to my birth. He'd always tell me from time to time when I was a little girl, just to make it clear to me, claiming he'd feel guilty for not being able to make it at that time. My mother had given a low blow when she said that yesterday. After all, she knew my father had to go to my grandmother's funeral. She was his mother after all, he had to go pay his respect to her.
I still couldn't understand though. What point were they trying to prove, anyway? That they were tired of each other? Yeah, they'd proven that to me and I'd gotten the hint loud and clear.
It was safe to say my parents didn't love each other anymore. I gave a bitter scoff. I managed to deceive myself into thinking I could save their marriage, that they would at least try and stay together because of me.
I had to admit, they put up quite a scene yesterday. With everyone watching and some cameras that were pulled out, this would probably make the headlines. The great Raymond Lynn of Lynn Industries raised a hand to his wife, Riya Lynn.
My family was messed up, even if it wasn't exactly a family.
I didn't want to see my parents any time soon, and I had the feeling I could say the same for them. I couldn't face them after yesterday, no. I just couldn't. I wasn't sure if I would be able to look at my father without seeing the man that slapped my mother, or, look at my mother without seeing the woman who said such vile things.
All night, I hadn't slept. Everyone helped me calm down, even though it took a while. I thought I would die honestly, because that was the worst panic attack I'd ever had. I kept thinking about everything that happened the night before.
When I finally calmed down, Thomas, who had insisted on staying with me finally left, after he tucked me in, even with my protests. I didn't sleep. Instead, I just layed down there, looking at the ceiling hoping for some kind of consolation.
And here I was now, still staring at ceiling, not doing anything but getting lost in my anger and sadness filled thoughts. I so desperately wanted to stop going around in circles in my head. In short, my head was a mess compared to my wardrobe back home.
I got a few texts from people, mostly from Tatiana, because she felt guilty. She kept saying she could've done something but couldn't do it in the end, and I kept assuring her it was really no big deal, she couldn't do it and that was okay.
Oh, but if only she knew.
While I sweet talked her, I wanted to take my anger out someone or something. It was the first time I'd felt this way since the whole Ashton fiasco.
It was funny, really. I fooled myself into thinking Ashton and I were going to be a thing, the same way I fooled myself into thinking I could fix my parent's relationship.
My life was just fan-freaking-tastic!
If I ever even gave relationships a chance after this, then boy I must be possessed.
I was fully aware of the fact that it was wrong of me to think like that. Just because my parents were like this didn't mean I'd have the same fate, I knew that. In all honesty, I was only scared I'd end up like them.
Why couldn't things just go my way for once? Why do I have to go through all of this? Why can't someone else go through this with me? It's not fair.
As the saying goes, life isn't fair to anyone. Not even if you cry your freaking eyes out begging for your parents to love each other, again.
It just didn't work like that.
I also got a few texts from Taylor, saying she understood if I didn't want to feel pitied—let me take a moment to mention that I appreciate that—but would help me in any way possible.
I got none from Tom, which only meant he was coming here, to my room. Either that, or he didn't care.
If he was coming to my room, then I was afraid. As I was, I had zero control of my actions. If I said anything to hurt him on purpose, it would ruin our friendship and I didn't want that. I was probably going to take out all my anger on him.
As if on cue, a faint knocking sound was heard. I sighed, hopping out of bed and heading for the door. I decided I would keep my mouth shut most of the time, but knowing myself, that was going to be impossible, but worth trying.
I opened the door with a blank expression, staring back at the also sleep deprived Thomas that stood in front of me. We both looked like garbage, but none of us cared. His facial expression was also blank.
The question was, did he look like this because of me, or was it because of something else?
"Hey." He said, moving past me, and stepping into my room. He didn't give me a chance to respond. "How are you?"
"I'm just fine, thank you." I responded. I moved to sit on my bed, not bothering to ask why he looked that way. With the way he looked at me, it was obvious he expected the question, but I wasn't going to ask. I could see just fine; he didn't want to talk about it.
As if it wasn't already awkward, the silence between us stretched to an uncomfortable amount. I didn't even try to speak, even though I wanted to end the silence, I would wait for him to do it. Because I wasn't in the mood to start conversations, and I've never really been that type of person in general.
And so, he did break the silence.
"Ava, after yesterday," he started. I sighed, knowing he just wanted to get straight to the point. "Do you think you'll be able to face your parents? I mean, you're going to have to eventually, I just want to know how you think you'll handle it. I've been thinking about this for a while."
"Is that why you look like someone who just rose up from the dead?" Thomas's hair was sticking out in different directions, yet he still managed to give out that boyish type of vibe.
Thomas looked down, scanning himself. He didn't notice how he looked. His face scrunched up in utter confusion until he finally registered what I meant.
"Oh, I thought you were criticising my morning look today." He joked.
"I'd be a hypocrite if I did that, I also look like I just rose up from the dead."
"Well, to answer your question, no. This is not the reason as to why I look like this. I was worried about something else." He admitted. I could've sworn him curse under his breath. "But it's no biggie." He quickly added, shrugging.
"Well, what is it, then?" I was stalling.
"Stop trying to get me to lose focus, Ava." Thomas said, cringing. "I can't believe I actually fell for that."
I sighed, knowing he wasn't going to give the topic up. He wasn't that kind of person, he would keep bugging me unless I provided him with answers.
"I don't know," I responded, quietly. I didn't know how I was going to react when my parents would call me. "And I don't plan on knowing either. It's their fault."
"What do you mean by, it's their fault?"
"It's their fault. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be going through this right now. Why me, though? Why do they want to get a divorce in the first place? Heck, why get married if you don't love each other?"
"Because they're getting a divorce now doesn't mean they didn't love each other when they got married," Tom said, looking slightly pissed off. "People fall out of love, Ava. Maybe that's the situation with your parents."
I scoffed.
"And, let me ask you this, have you ever thought about this from their perspective?" I frowned, just about to snap at him. He continued. "Think about it. Watching them yesterday made me realise something, your mother was right. Maybe she is suffocated. And then maybe your dad is just-I don't know."
"Well, they can't just not feel it anymore, Tom. If they have my best interests in mind, then they would stay together. For me."
"They do have your best interests in mind; you just can't see it. If they get a divorce now, it would be better. If they get it later, things could get worse. It could get violent, and maybe that's what they're trying to prevent. Didn't you tell me your father has a temper?"
"He knows how to control it, and that's beside the point."
"No, it is the point, Ava. I think it's better if they get the divorce now, instead of staying together. Listen, I'm trying to reason with you. I saw them yesterday, I know how it works now."
"Thomas, are you even trying to help? Have you had this idea the entire freaking time?" I asked him, hissing at the words.
"No, just until yesterday. But you seriously have to understand," he pleaded.
"I don't need to understand anything. What I need to understand is how you can say something like that. You're not even trying, Tom! You know, if you didn't want this, you could've said no, right from the start."
"I did want to, and that's why I did. But that was because I thought your parents had hope, they clearly don't."
He needed to stop being so blunt with everything.
"Please just leave, I need to think." And to think I wanted Thomas here so he could lift my mood up. But no, he was like this. I wanted sympathy from someone-anyone, but no one gave me that. I wanted that because it would give me some kind of reassurance that everything would be okay. But everyone kept giving me the facts of the situation.
Once my parents divorced, they weren't getting back together, that was for sure.
"No, you just need to accept the fact your parents should get a divorce and there's literally nothing you can do about it." His voice was soft, yet, the words were like a sharp knife cutting right through my heart.
I swallowed, not willing to let myself show any kind of weakness in front of anyone, especially not Thomas.
I knew he didn't mean for me to be upset, but right now, I was beyond upset. I was mad, to be exact, not just sad.
My shoulders fell. "Go."
He looked like he'd expected it, but was still taken aback. His face showed confliction, a million thoughts ran through his mind.
"Ava," he breathed out. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all that," he apologised.
But you should've. I wanted to tell him. I mean, it was because of his words that I realised everything was in vain. If he hadn't said this, I would've been blind and continued to see how I could get my parents together with the last two days.
But I wasn't going to tell him that.
"Please." I begged, biting the inside of my cheek. "Just go. I told you I needed to think, and you just made everything worse." My voice cracked at the end.
"Ava-" I didn't look at him, instead I just looked down and waited for him to leave. "Fine." He sighed. I heard the door open, and I held a breath, internally screaming. "I'm sorry."
When he left, I slid down the door and buried my face in my knees. Everything I'd been holding back, I let out without hesitation. I'd been strong for way too long, even if it didn't feel like it. I deserved to have a break, didn't I?
He was right.
* * *
When someone is pissed off, you don't speak to them.
I was okay. Okay, maybe not okay, but I'd accepted everything. Again, nothing about my parents, but about Thomas. He was only speaking the truth and I did not take it the right way.
I threw another used and snot-full tissue in the trash can, sniffing. I kept checking my phone phone for text messages from him, yet, there was nothing.
Damn it. The one time I ask him to do something and he actually does it. He picks the worst times.
Now, I didn't want to text him first. I had my pride with me, even though I so desperately wanted to get rid of it and tell him it was okay, and that I had no hard feelings towards him. I would probably even apologise, this time, from the heart.
I needed to speak to him, but then I had literally no idea where he was.
I decided to give my pride away and text him. I picked up my phone, but as soon as I clicked on his name, the screen went blank. I blinked, trying to switch it on again. I panicked for a second, then I realized I didn't charge my phone last night.
Damn it, now you give you give up on me, phone?
I threw my phone on the bed, rubbing my temples as I paced around. My parents were the least of my problems right now, and I was aware of the fact they'd call me any minute now to discuss everything I saw.
I wanted to know how he felt, just to be sure I hadn't hurt his feelings and there were no hard feelings between us.
I ran a very frustrated hand through my already unruly hair. Again, I really wanted to cuss right now.
A knock was heard on the door, my heart immediately picked up. What if it was Tom? I could apologise to him and hope for the best.
I rushed to the door, swinging it open, ready to rain apologies on him when my face dropped. The Martin sisters stood in front of me, both wearing small smiles on their faces.
At least they were related to him.
"Whatever you did to Tom, we'll forgive you as long as it's not drastic because right now he's laying down on his bed like he's trying to figure something out." Tatiana said.
Of course, the one place I could've looked for him.
"He is?" I asked, nervously. "Can I go see him? I kind of need to apologise to him—"
"We know." They both chorused, making me shudder. "But maybe you should wait a little bit, he wants to be alone, which is why we're here to be with you."
"But I don't need you to be with me." I pleaded.
"We're just here to ask you a few questions, Ava, we know you don't need us here. You're strong on your own." Taylor said, matter of factly.
"Oh? Well, come in then,"
They walked into my room, taking a quick glance at everything and then finding their way onto my bed.
Definelately related to him.
"So, I wouldn't be surprised if Tom already asked this, but how are you holding up?"
Why did everyone keep asking me that? Couldn't they see I was doing just fine? It's not like I was acting sad or upset, I was acting normal. If they couldn't see it, then that was there problem.
"I'm doing great, thank you." I replied. "How long do you think I have to wait before I go apologise?"
"Someone's in a hurry," Tatiana chuckled. "You can go now, if you want, you know?"
"Really?" But what I really wanted to say was, then why in Bikini Bottom did you make me stay here then?
"Yeah," Taylor said, shrugging it off like it was nothing. I waved them goodbye, not bothering to lead them out the door. I opened the door carefully this time, hoping to not seem too enthusiastic about it all.
I walked straight up to his room, panted a little because of the flight of stairs (I was secretly scared of elevators and I didn't get the point of using one, it was just one floor after all). I sucked in a sharp breath while knocking on his door, several times.
I didn't get a response though, so I opened the door myself.
The room was empty. I thought he was taking in the view outside, so I moved to windows and tore them apart, only for the sunlight to hit me and no Tom. Then I assumed he was in the shower and waited, when he didn't come out, I knocked on the bathroom door, still not getting a response. I opened the door slowly and peeked in, but he wasn't there either.
He wasn't in his room.
At times like this, being an high class overhthinker sucked ass.
A million scenarios ran through my head about his whereabouts.
Where was he? Was he with friends? But I hadn't seen him with anyone but me through out this. Or maybe I was stopping him from meeting up with his friends. What if he was on the top floor, taking in the scene from there? What if he topelled over and was now drowning? He could be being eaten by sharks right now, and I wouldn't know.
Crap.
I ran out of the room faster than I could ever imagine. I even almost tripped a few times, but I got my balance back. I ran into a few people, dodged some, and headed straight for the balcony.
He still wasn't there.
I peered over the railings, looking for a body floating over the water when I suddenly had the feeling someone was going to push me over.
I backed away immediately, and bumped into someone else. Instead of the person falling, I fell and landed but first.
The person gave a hearty chuckle, making the insides of my stomach clench, causing a very, very uneasy feeling to settle in my stomach.
"We need to talk, along with your mother."
Well, shiz.