NOTE : Here's the continuation of the "Against the wind".
If you have stumbled upon this book purposely or unintentionally, do read the second loop Jacob's and Renesmee's love life? Who will she choose for her?!
And if you want to read the first part,"Do visit AGAINST THE WIND"and feel free to support me by your precious votes and comments.
RENESMEE
Jacob,
You'll stay with me forever but sadly it's not in the same way I wanted you to.
It's hard when someone leaves you and it's even harder remembering all those moment they said they never would. I was never ready for you to leave....Even if there would be million reasons for you to leave, I would always look for one reason for you to stay.
I know you are not here beside me; yet your laughter is what I hear after every end, it's you who see in every crowd and it's your voice I hear when I am at my very worst; quietly reassuring when I feel like everything is finished. You are gone but I feel your presence everywhere yet at the same time I realise your absence in my soul.
This world is broken and broken things happens_yes! and I feel utterly shattered and disillusioned where this empty space just became the part of my life once again. I don't like this. I don't like any of this .
It's been 7 days; since I haven't talked to you, Jake and apart from missing you; apart from everything I see or do, reminds me of you. I cannot lose hope.....you will have to return for me.
Sometimes to get our life's back we have to face the death of what we thought our life will be. But I won't let this happen to me, Jake. I'll stay strong and live through each beautiful memories given by you. This time I will leave for you.
I remember every crazy thing you have ever said. You let them running around my head. You are always there; you are everywhere; but right now I miss you and wish that you were here.
~Renesmee
I sighed. Swallowing the sudden lump in my throat. I felt dizzy and my shoulders slump. I flipped through the pages of my day book, toying idly with the front cover. It wasn't a half-bad idea to make some records of miserable me; so that it would be like he never left and missed any part of me.
I started onto another....
Jacob,
It's been 15 days since you left and~ Now that you're gone, on lonely nights I play your favourite songs that reminds me of you. It's the pure, playful infectious smile of yours that I miss the most. I sit evey night listening to the songs, staring at the empty walls that was once filled with your presence.
Sometimes I walk up to the window; to witness the busy life of people who are lucky to be with people they love and the winds that once played with your hairs,have turned their back on me in disappointment, every time they find me standing alone at the window.
I miss you, Jake.
If you would know today Quil, Seth and Embry paid a short visit but unfortunately it didn't help. Instead it reminded me more of you.....of how your voice quickened when you get to knew that they were here with me and you always being ready to push them out of our conversation. The way you briefly glanced down when they teased you.
Everyone here misses you, Jake.
I know that nothing I wish for can come true. But no matter what I'll wait for you....I'll wait for you to come back to me and for us to start our lives from where we left off. Also if it means to wait for eternity~~
~Renesmee
I flipped further....
Jacob,
Sometimes I wonder if I and you were the same person -a little broken, quiet messed up and in love with the idea of love.
The hope never dies, Jacob. It sleeps silently aching in the heart and wakes up on lonely nights. You filled a space in my heart -a space which even I didn't knew existed. You were like a serene sunset and I was mesmerized by it beyond words, before you left me in the darkness. It's been 21 days, up almost 3 weeks since you left and I haven't heard from you.
Today Chris came by....and I seriously have no idea how? We talked about something 😑 I barely even heard and soon realizing my inattentive behaviour....he flipped the topic. He told me about how to wrestle well between my faith and feelings when life disappoints us in ways we never imagine. He told me that disappointment is a feeling that things should be better than they are and since you have left; I have learnt a lot about life.
No matter how much we think we control our lives and of others around us; the fact is that we are not at all in control of anything. Without you nothing is same.
Chris held me together for few hours....but not long. As soon as I shut my eyes; an unknown force drags me mercilessly into the same nightmares.
I don't want to be like this, Jake.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night bathed in sweat, curled up on the bed, horrified by the nightmares, alone and shivering. Although many of the times Rose, Alice, Esme, Mom offers to accompany me at night, but I can't....I can't let them suffer with me. I know, seeing me like this breaks each one of them beyond measures yet I can't help it.
Reminiscing hurts Jake. But I need to hold onto those little echoes of your voice and laugh or otherwise I'll go mad with your absence.
You comfort me, Jacob. I wish you return soon....
~ Renesmee
Why did you go, Jake? I wasn't ready to let go off you. The unease of his absence, settle over my nerves and shivered. How long will I continue to live this life? How long shall I continue to deny that you will never come back? This is not easy.....atleast not for me. I flipped the pages over.
Jacob,
It's been a month...you haven't returned. You know I never imagined my life without you and I can't go back to that reality just yet.
Life is moving forward for everybody around me but I'm exactly where you left me, for I don't want to move on without you. Days are passing at their usual pace, but I've no recollection of instances, nor there are any calls or text. Not even a news of your return, Jake, that could provide me to hold on, for it feels like I'm stuck in a time machine.
But Jacob, it's Chris who provides me hope. It's him who pulls me out of my misery. I never knew that someone like me could be shattered in this way. He has been spending last few days with me -almost the entire day because I wasn't ready to let him go....and suffer the pain, the sadness of being abandoned by you.You know it feels amazing that how someone walks into your life and you can't help but feel so safe with them. I almost had forgotten how it feels to have someone by your side, who understands, who cares about you but it's Chris who made me realise that it's not always necessary for us to stay strong. Sometimes, it's good to let yourself feel alone.
I don't know how I'll get back to being myself out of my loneliness, but I believe that someday or the other, I will. I'll be back to myself...but still I'll wait for you because when I close my eyes I'm somewhere with you❤.
And maybe I'm scared because you mean more to me than I know you do. You are everything I think about, everything I need and everything I want....
~Renesmee
You know I feel so lucky, Jacob, to have someone in my life who made saying goodbye so hard. I don't even remember how long I waited for you to come back. But I'll never give up on you,Jake, even if it is what you want Never. Ever. I turned the pages for further more....
Jacob,
It's been a month and 13 days....huh! and everyday what I wished was for you to return. Everytime I think of you, I close my eyes and go back in time to the last moment I held your warm hands in mine and felt safe guarded by your fragrance.
All I remember is you -us. Each night my loneliness engulfs me and the demons take me back with them into those haunting nightmares of losing you.... Memories of you calms me down. I wish you could come back, talk to me, tell me how was your day? And ask me about mine🙂.
Why did Dad ever have to call you that night...Neither would Dad have called and nor you would have ever left. Jacob, I feel sick, sick of my selfishness...this was the second time I did it, Jake. I let you go.
I miss you, Jacob. Even I miss me. The old me. The happy me. The bright me. The smiling me. The gone me.
You left me, Jacob, when I was just realizing how much you meant to me, how much I lov~~💋 When you became a little more than just a best friend. The reason it hurts so much to...separate is because You and me are connected. And maybe we have always been and will be
It's 3A.M. and I'm wide awake. Earlier yesterday's evening, I finally made a resolution to act normal and decided to act on it the very next second...but no I can't do this...not without you. And now after tossing g and turning in my lonely bed for a couple of hours, I chose to write this. Right now I am sitting on my desk, next to my bed, and I am trying hard to remember where it all began? And all I can think about is you. It's only you I can imagine and dream of. And all I can wish is that you would be here; with me....
~Renesmee
I chuckled and shook my head gently. I laughed at myself. What am I supposed to do now? A part of ached remembering all those time I have spent with him. But now it's all gone...You are gone, leaving all those memories behind as if it never existed, as if all of it never happened. I turned over some more pages....
Jacob,
There will be bad days, but it won't last forever. It's been a month and 21 days...and with a blank mind I hear the only noise in my room...the sounds of stillness.
To have someone by your side is a different kind of intimacy..And I have him. I have a friend who by all means changes me. Challenges me to see things in a different way.Today Chris took me to his home...... SWEET HOME🏡.
It's a welcoming home; from the open door to wide hallway. Anyone could see into the house from distance. From outside I could see the surfaces of white granite, enforced walls, blue hydrangeas planted in the front yard and I could here the soft tingling of the wind chimes.Ivy and ferns grew throughout the crevices of the old winding stone path, which led directly to the colossal structure. The house -actually I can call it a mansion, loomed proudly behind the gates, flanked by the rows of skeletal trees crowned in crimson, swaying gently in the winds.
We succried down the path towards his house, my shoes slapping against the stone steps that led to the front door. Fallen leaves littered the walkway, bathing in the dark red and orange, as I stepped on them with a crunch. The porch light remained on and the yellow glow made the house feel warm and inviting....On the verandah were plants that reached up past the cedar railings and branched out gleefully into the sun. And in typical Chris style the pots were works of art in their own. Against the deep radiant colors, these pots were stunning.
As we entered the house, the floors was an old fashioned parquet with a blend of deep brown and the living room walls were dark colored filled with the summer's warmth. Under the lamp-shine it felt like a nature's art, something that soothed right to the soul.
The stairs led down into a tall gallery room with a Persian soft rug spread out and there was a fireplace big enough to park a car in. Also a long polished wooden table had been set for a large family. The room was filled with fashionable shades of blue and white.
There was no sentimental chintz but on the walls was the most astonishing painting. And I took a focused glance on it. It was something deep. It held a women probably a mother holding her childs in her delicate hands...
He smiled at me and we walked to the extended porch adjoining the room and stood there, gazing out. On the side of the house, there were rows of cedars which bordered the bay. With wooden panels along the corridors of the house, ornate chandeliers and oil paintings of old-bearded men in tunics and ruffs. And then there it was; Chris told me he paints. I followed him up to the room and it was full of arts.
Arts that spoke of mountains and freedom, love and fieriness. Arts that held every sunrise and sunsets were placed on the walls. The arts in the room were the polarid's of emotion I saw.
The sort of communication that would take millions of written words to convey.... even after that would not fulfill the exact purpose as this painting did. You know; Chris played as a translator of these paintings. He told me the stories of their loyalty, kindness, joy and sorrow.
And yes! At this time I didn't needed someone who completes me. I only needed someone who accepts me so completely...Jake, I don't ever want someone who comes back, because I want someone who never leaves. And it breaks me Ofcourse, every moment of everyday, into more pieces than I'm made of. But there is no goodbye for us. This is not the end. This simply means that I'll miss you until we meet again.
On our way back, I met his friends...and it went amazing. They all were just kind of so fun-loving and pretty cool...just like your friends. Another familiarity in them, the way they all walked with a certain synchronization, the similar way their expressions changes at the same time, the familiarity between how they react. It just reminds me of your pack or some blood-flesh brothers...
And this is how my day ends...Realising that sometimes people come into your life and they teaches you how to let go....but it still hurts. Which means that I still care.
~ Renesmee
I scoffed and flipped further....