A/N: Hello! I'm back!
September 27th, 2020
"I think that's the last of everything." I say as Harry and I stand in the middle of our new house, everything unboxed and placed in its designated spots. I throw myself down on the lounge and look around at the house, feeling completely still. For so many months I've felt a swelling mid-ocean storm bubbling inside the pit of my stomach, rising in my body and seeping its salty current through my veins and intoxicating my organs with its waves. But then it stopped. The loudness was quiet once again, the winds had calmed down to a soft summer breeze and the swell had slowly fallen from the tip of my tongue back down my oesophagus, sitting still in my stomach once more. This house is a new beginning, the Oscar was the start of a long and happy career in the industry. For once, I feel okay.
"Hey guess what." Harry says as he leans down over the lounge and kisses my forehead and I pull his neck slightly towards me and he giggles, moving around the lounge and sitting on the floor cross-legged next to me as I lay spread out on the lounge.
"What's that?" I ask softly and he looks down to the ground, fumbling with the rug beneath him.
"Eight months..." He mumbles and I smile.
"Eight months for what?" I tease, knowing he's talking about the wedding.
"Y'know... Eight months until forever." He smiles and tugs at his bottom lip.
"Baby, we've been forever since kindergarten." I smile and he looks up at me with glassy eyes and I feel the playfulness turn to tension and it makes me feel uneasy.
"What's wrong?" I ask as I sit up on the lounge and he moves closer to me, hugging his large body around my legs, resting his head on my knees. I stroke his hair and tuck small bits of it behind his ear.
"I'm sorry..." He says with a sniffle.
"No, no, don't apologise." I shake my head.
"What's wrong?" I ask him again, speaking softly to him so he feels comfortable to tell me what's going on and continuing to intertwine my fingers through his hair.
"I just... I don't know... I guess I thought the boys and I were forever once, too." He says and I feel my heart drop, realising what he's talking about. I turn my head to the mantel above the large open fireplace and see a framed photo of a selfie the boys took on-stage in 2013. They all look so happy.
"Oh, Harry..." I sigh and he begins to cry a little harder, hugging my legs tighter.
"Guess the night really does change huh..." He says and I stare up to the ceiling, biting down on my lip. I hate seeing him like this, it causes a pain I can't describe. Seeing him unhappy and so distraught breaks me. He's all I care about, I want more than anything for him to be happy but I've come to understand I can't always do that.
"Have you thought about writing about it?" I ask him.
"Sort of... Everything is just so busy with the Golden music video, I have to leave for Italy next week and it's just... a lot. I wish you could come with me." He sighs and I get down from the lounge and sit with him on the floor.
"Me too, H. Me too."
I have to go to England to begin filming a new movie and I wish I could be there for the music video to support him. But he and I knew these things would be bound to happen, our schedules are so heavy with work, fittings and meetings, sometimes it's difficult to support one another, so we do it from the sidelines of FaceTime.
"Guess I just always thought they'd be at my wedding, y'know?" He says softly.
"It's not too late to invite them." I smile and he shakes his head.
"I feel like I don't know them anymore, Til. Z barely recognised me the other day when I saw him in New York. I sent sunflowers for their baby and Gigi was the only one out of either of them to send me a follow-up message. Not that I needed one, just that I thought he and I would always be close, we just aren't anymore." He says and I feel his confusion through his voice.
"Do what you know best, write about it." I smile.
"I have to pack. Will you help me?" He asks after a few moments of silence with an attempt to change the topic and I inhale deeply, standing to my feet, offering my hand to him and he nods, taking my hands and standing up. He pulls me into a hug and runs his hands up and down my back.
"I love you, fish." He says, kissing my temple and I smile.
"I love you too, boy." I reply.
We spend the night packing for Harry to go to Italy in a few days and we laugh, tossing items of clothing between one another to pack away for the filming duration and making jokes. We order takeaway tacos and walk downtown to pick them up and carry them back home. While walking down the dimly lit street with a bag of takeaway in my hand, I notice something about him. He keeps it very well hidden, I've always known that he's good at masking his emotions but Harry misses them more than anything. He misses each of those boys very much.
"Hey, Harry?" I say as I kick at a rock, my hands in the pockets of my baggy jeans.
"Hey, Tilda." He replies in the same tone as he looks up above him at the dark tree leaves that sway in the gentle wind, the night sky a fantastic backdrop to the collection of leaves, showcasing LA's minimal stars and maximum darkness.
"Are you okay?" I ask him.
"Sure. I've got you, don't I?" He says as he walks over to me and holds his arm around my shoulders.
"Sure." I say back and look to the ground. I know he misses them but pushing him on the topic is wrong. He's never really spoken about One Direction in the last few years, but I remember how fondly he used to talk about them. They were his brothers. I just wish I could do something.
******
October 1st, 2020
Harry's POV
I lay in bed listening to the ocean waves crashing against the bricks beneath my hotel that sits on the edge of the Amalfi Coast. Tomorrow we begin filming for the Golden music video and it's gotten me thinking a lot more about the old days. I fumble at my wedding band that sits on my finger and stare at the ceiling. Change is an uncomfortable feeling. I roll onto my side and my guitar sits in its case against the corner of the wall and I sit up in bed, the white bedsheet draping across my body. I inhale deeply and let go of the tension that resides in my shoulders.
"Is there a song you want me to write?" I ask the guitar and chuckle at myself, not expecting a response from the very inanimate object. The latch of the case shimmers with the moonlight that greets my room, spreading its silver rays across the blue painted wall and I take it as a sign. I stand and take the acoustic Fender from the case and sit back down on the bed and tune it accordingly.
*Play song now: Changes By Cam*
I begin to strum a few chords, Tilly's words playing in my head. Maybe I do miss them. Maybe I want them at the wedding. But maybe, just maybe, we're strangers now. I'd like to think I know them, but I don't believe I do. I strum a few chords and begin to think about the X-Factor days.
"There is a town, somewhere down a country road... I see it now; I take it everywhere I go." I sing softly. I strum a little more and reach for my phone and begin recording.
"The river sways, I can almost hear it now... as if to say, "You're not the only one who wants a way out."" I sing to myself. Just down the road of the X-Factor house, there was a river and we used to visit it all the time, the guys and I. Louis pushed Liam in once and it was free for all. The five of us jumping around in the river and being stupid, not caring about drenching our clothes. I remember Zayn standing on the side of the riverbank, not wanting to come down and get wet. That was until the four of us began clucking like chickens.
"So, I go... Cause I don't want to feel like I don't know you anymore." I don't want to not know those boys, but I just don't anymore. We aren't children. We're adults. We have duties, like marriage and families to look after... we can't muck around anymore.
"I memorise those roads." I'll never forget touring around the country for the first time, I'll never forget the days of pranking one another, I'll never forget the pure feeling of stability I felt. I thought it was going to last forever.
"Somewhere out in the big, wide country, someone's falling in love in a backseat, giving it away. Like their hearts won't ever break. God bless the young hearts, sipping cheap wine, getting drunk with their friends for the first time... thinking nothings ever gonna change... until everything changes." I slow my strumming and feel my chest tighten. They won't ever leave my heart, they're permanently tattooed on my body, shaved into the side of my head, intertwined in my guitar strings.
Zayn's articulate way of thinking when we wrote songs.
Louis' braveness in the face of grief and loss.
Niall's infectious laugh that made us feel like we were the funniest people on earth.
Liam's comforting advice when we felt like giving up.
"They never leave, they're all having babies now."
"Watching daytime TV, livin' off the gossip of a cruel small town." Gossip is the only way of keeping up with one another through the whispers of others that make their way back to each of us.
"So, I go... 'Cause I don't wanna feel like you don't know me anymore, don't recognise my face." I sing softly, hearing my voice break. I repeat the chorus and strum at the guitar, picking at strings gently. It's not like I can talk to them, we're different people now. I haven't spoken to them properly since the ten years and even then, the untouched group chat was really only Niall and Liam texting back and forward, the rest of us were silent. But I sat there in my living room watching them text back and forth and I wish I had joined in. I wish it wasn't, but the days of the five of us running amuck are over.
"There ain't nothing here for me anymore, they say they don't hear from me anymore, and I don't want to hear it anymore." I sing loudly.
I whistle the chorus softly and then sit silently.
"Somewhere out in the big wide country, I was falling in love in the backseat like my heart won't ever break... Had such a young heart sipping cheap wine, getting drunk with... my friends... for the first time. Thinking nothing was gonna change, til everything changes..." I sing softly and press stop on the recording.
I miss them when I least expect it. I miss them when it's quiet and I miss them when it's loud. The stage is fun, but without them, it's an entirely different setting. I love my band, I love each member so much but they're not One Direction... and I'm honestly thankful for that, it's time I grew up. Guess the night changed.
I pick up my phone and dial a number I didn't think I remembered.
"Hello, you've reached Liam Payne, please leave a short message and I'll get back to you when I can. Cheers." I'm surprised he hasn't changed it.
"Ahhh hey mate, it's Harry... Styles, just in case. I wanted to say I was thinking of you and the rest of the boys and guess I wanted to check in with you to see how you're going but you're busy... actually, what time is it over there? Probably very late... But I was thinking, um, do you remember when we had the interview with the woman who wore the leopard print dress? I think that was one of the funniest moments during our career together... anyways Payno, I'll let you go, I miss you." The phone beeps and I listen back to the voicemail and shake my head at it and press delete. I can't send that.
I place the guitar back in its case and climb into bed and my gaze meets with the ceiling again. It's time I grew up. I'm getting married next Spring; I'm embarking on a new career choice. This is it. It's time I said goodbye to the olden days.
A/N: Remember, there are only TWO more chapters left!!!!!!!! To keep up to date, make sure you're following me! This has been such an amazing journey and I'm so thankful for each one of you!