Everything had tilted on its axis.
The world looked a little different from this sideways view. Blades of grass tickled my nose. Stones jutted up from the ground, marking graves of people who no longer walked the earth I lay on. The sky ambled by, clouds drifting over Bren's head and the trees behind him.
But the one view that stayed the same was the way I saw him. It didn't matter how many times I tried to change my perspective. He was still right there, at the forefront of everything.
Bren stared at me for a long time, his dark eyes taking it all in.
Finally, he muttered, "It's all true."
"What is?"
"I would have loved her. I would love any piece of you that there is to love."
My heart clenched. For a brief moment, I saw Bren holding her. Holding that little piece of me. Loving that little piece of me. But then I closed my eyes, shutting that image out. She was gone.
When I eventually dared to look at Bren again, he was watching me closely. And my heart clenched again. Because...just everything about him.
"Don't you get it, Bren?" I asked quietly, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "Don't you get that that's how I feel about you too? I love every piece of you."
I reached out, resting my hand on his chest. It was hard to feel his heartbeat, though. His sweatshirt was too thick. I sighed. "I even love the pieces that you're too afraid to show. Or the ones you think will end up hurting me."
Bren was silent. His gaze flicked down to my hand. He stared at it, puzzled, and I wanted to shake my head in exasperation. But I didn't. Instead, I added softly, "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be." I paused for a moment. "Remember when you told me that? When you left everything behind for me?"
Bren's hand came up to cover mine, squeezing it. But he shook his head, leaves crunching beneath it. "I remember, Madie." His voice was all low and strangled in a way that told me every word was hard for him to get out. "But hell, of course I wanted to be there with you, to be doing all of that with you. I had the girl I liked all to myself in a beach house in Malibu. The circumstances were shitty, but besides that, it was a fucking dream."
He tried to roll onto his back, away from me. But I seized his sweatshirt, digging my fingers into the fabric and holding him there. His eyes flared a little, his jaw clenching.
You're not fucking running away from me, Bren.
As if he heard my thoughts, he sighed, giving in. "This is different, Madie. We're lying in the middle of a cemetery in fucking winter. You're shivering, you've got leaves in your hair, and—"
"I don't care, Bren," I interrupted firmly, despite a chill running through me from the brisk air. "I don't care where we are. Stop trying to scare me away. I want to be by your side."
Bren's expression softened. But he must have still been conflicted. Because it was a long time before he finally released the grip he had on my hand and extended his arm toward me. "Fuck, then come here," he relented.
Without hesitating, I moved into his embrace. My head burrowed its way into the crook of his neck, breathing in that piney, woodsy scent. It seemed to be amplified by the smell of the earth beneath us. Bren's arm wrapped around me, holding me tighter than he had in days.
I relaxed.
He relaxed.
I could feel the tension dissipating slowly, melting. Bren even pressed a kiss to my temple, and my heart fluttered shamefully from just that alone.
We stayed that way for a while, tangled on the ground. At some point, Bren muttered, "This probably isn't what you thought it was going to be like when I asked you to spend Christmas with me." He chuckled dryly, and I thought that little laugh was a start, a sign that he was emerging from the depths. It was a sign that he was fighting against whatever was trying to pull him away from me.
I tried to keep it light, shrugging. "I didn't know what to think. But I didn't have any grand expectations, Bren. Christmas has never been all that special to me."
There was a pause. And then he kissed my temple again and asked, "Why not?"
"My mom always went all out with the decorations, with the traditions and the meals. Our house looked like a commercial." I closed my eyes and buried my cold nose further into his neck. "It just never felt like one."
Bren's arms tightened around me. He was always so quick to give comfort to others. And then just as quick to push it away when he was the one who needed it. I'd be so lost without him, though. And I needed him to know that because I needed him to stay. I needed him to let me hold him just like he held me.
"Holidays are special because that's how they're supposed to make you feel," I whispered into his neck. "But I don't think I've ever really felt special until I met you, Bren."
He groaned. His throat vibrated against my lips, and something ran through me, alerting my entire body. "Fuck, you do things to me, Madie."
I couldn't help but smile just a little bit. He did things to me, too.
Bren's chest rose and fell steadily as he held me. His breath fanned over the side of my face, warming and protecting me from the cold air. His legs were entwined with mine. And even though we were on the ground, out in the cold, settled between ghosts that should haunt us, it was like nothing could touch me—nothing except him.
Somewhere in that haze of comfort, I dozed off. When I woke again, it was to Bren's arms beneath me. I was floating above the ground, my head against his chest. Blinking my eyes open, I looked dazedly around to see that he was bringing me back to the car.
"Bren, you don't need to carry me," I mumbled. But then I closed my eyes again, snuggling back into him.
"Just let me," he said softly, hoisting me up so he could get a better grip under me.
"I can walk," I protested weakly, prying my eyes open in time to look up and see Bren shaking his head.
"Please, Madie. I just need to feel...I don't know. Like I'm good for something."
It was hard to hold my tongue. I wanted to tell Bren that he was so good and for so many reasons. But I didn't think that anything I'd say would make a difference right now. And if he needed to carry me, he could carry me. So I wrapped my arms around him, clutching his neck. He seemed to like that, the smallest smile flitting over his face as he glanced down at me.
"Have I ever told you that you are adorable when you sleep?" he mumbled before looking back up, probably needing to make sure he didn't walk us straight into a headstone.
I grinned into his chest. It was a little bit because of what he'd said. But it was also because he was clearly feeling a bit more like himself. I just hoped it stayed like that.
He set me on the hood of the car, and I sat there, dangling my feet over the edge of it. He could have put me on the ground, but no. He placed me on top of his car before striding to the passenger door and opening it. I didn't move, curious to see what he would do, though I had a guess.
And I was right. Bren walked around the open door, keeping his head down, eyes trained on his feet. Without a word, he slipped his arm beneath my legs, picking me up again. I didn't protest, letting him slip me gently into the car. And then Bren said, "I need to make a quick phone call," before shutting the door.
I watched beneath heavy lids as Bren strode to the front of the car and took out his phone. He brought one of his hands up, cupping it over his mouth—probably to breathe some warm air on his freezing fingers. Whoever he called must have picked up because he started muttering something into the phone. At one point, a little grin slipped onto his face. And then he hung up and shoved the phone back into his pocket.
When he hopped into the car, I couldn't help but ask, "Who was it?"
"Caroline," he answered right away. "I wanted to talk to her about tonight."
That piqued my interest. "What's tonight?"
Bren threw his seat belt on and snuck a look in my direction. "I'm taking you on a date. If you'll have me, that is. If you're willing to put up with your moody ass boyfriend for a night out. He'll try to be good."
"He might be a moody ass, but he's my moody ass." Honestly, it still made my stomach flutter to think about Bren as my boyfriend, to think about going on a date with him. I knew that probably seemed like such a silly thing after everything we'd been through, but it was true. "And I'll go anywhere he wants to take me," I added.
Leaning over the center console, Bren kissed my forehead roughly. And then he grabbed my thigh, giving it a squeeze before throwing the car in reverse.
God, I hoped all of this meant he was back to touching me. I hoped he was done avoiding me.
"Where are we going on our date?" I asked, trying to keep my tone light.
Sneaking a look over at Bren, I studied him as he bit his lip. When he didn't say anything right away, I wondered if maybe he didn't exactly know yet. But then he sighed and said, "Somewhere that..." Breaking off, he peeked over at me adorably. "I want to make Christmas feel special for you, Madie. Just this once."
I had no doubt in my mind that Christmas would feel special this year. As long as he let me be with him. As long as he didn't pull away even more.
So I said, "As long as we're together, Bren, it will be."
Bren gave me a little smile and turned his attention back toward the road, looking over his shoulder as he merged onto the highway. It was the same shoulder that a bullet had run through, and I realized that Bren hadn't winced in pain once all morning. Hopefully that meant he was healing and not just that all the other pain inside his head had overpowered the physical wounds.
Hopefully, Bren would heal. And hopefully, he would let me help him do it.
🤍
Do we think date night is going to go well?
Thanks for reading!
xoxo amelie