lullaby- sia
Jace and I both turned to see who was in the doorway, my heart stopping within the cage of his arms.
Palcifer looked up at us and yapped.
"Holy shit," Jace sighed in relief, resting his forehead on my shoulder. I ran my fingers through his hair without a second thought like it was something we did.
My chest heaved against his as the anxiety slowly seeped out of me. "Palcifer, one of these days I'm gonna put you down." The shih-tzu bared his teeth and growled at me in response before curling up on the floor at the end of Jace's bed.
Jace.
We both looked at each other after a moment, realizing that we were still barely an inch apart, and instantly scrambled back. Jace sat abruptly back against the headboard to put distance between us, and I awkwardly forced myself to stand up. An uncomfortable beat of silence of passed, in which we avoided looking at each other, and I silently promised to 'accidentally' stand on my dog's tail later.
"Uh, I-I should leave," I stammered, scratching the back of my neck and blushing.
"Yeah," he replied as he settled under his duvet, fixing me with an unreadable expression. "You should."
I swallowed down the strange hurt feeling that rose up in my throat and nodded, directing my gaze to the floor. Wordlessly, I turned to leave, thinking he was done with me just like usual, until he grabbed my wrist. I spun around, shock and confusion evident on my face, and reflected in his unreadable eyes.
"I didn't say I wanted you to," he said, his voice low.
His fingers were burning a permanent mark upon my wrist. I could feel a new scar form every time his thumb grazed over my skin.
I blinked at him, terrified that he was finally pranking me back, that acting vulnerable and gaining my trust was all just some sick joke that he was using to hurt me. But when he spoke again, I knew that whatever this was had to be real.
"I don't want you to go, Noah."
Noah.
For all the years I had known him, he had only slipped up a few times on his mission to call me Quinn or some other irritating quip, but all of a sudden he was saying it over and over and honestly, I realised I had never cared much for my name until it came from his tongue.
Noah, Noah, Noah. Jace. Jacob.
I could listen to him say our names forever.
It took me a second to process that I wasn't dreaming and His Lordship, Sir Resident Bad Boy was actually asking me to sleep in his bed. Again.
This is weird. So naturally, I'm doing it.
I quickly closed the door, praying no one came to wake Jace up early tomorrow and tentatively pulled back the covers. He pretended not to watch me as I awkwardly laid down, but I was already watching him. We both stared up at the dark ceiling, our bodies rigid.
"Apparently Palcifer is in love with you," I said, my dry voice cracking awkwardly in the tense silence.
He chuckled slightly over the sound of the dog's gentle snoring. The demon only seemed peaceful in slumber, but even then, it was a beast heavy with its sins. "Yeah, I have that effect on people."
Even though the room was dark, I rolled my eyes with a scoff.
"Pal's not so bad," he continued. "He talks less than you. I like him more. Cuter, too."
"First of all, Pal? Please put me out of my misery. Secondly... shut up. We both know you-" I almost commented on how he called my pretty boy before, but I caught my tongue, remembering that neither of us were gay, we hated each other, and there was a perfectly rational explanation for the several intimate nicknames he'd given me over the years.
"I what?" I could almost hear the frown in his voice.
"N-nothing," I mumbled back. A beat passed between us before I dared turn to look at him. My breath almost hitched when I saw the side of his face, illuminated by the moon slipping through the curtains. I'd always had eyes, but it was like I was seeing him for the first time. Had he always been that breathtakingly beautiful? Maybe I had been blind. Sightless to what was right in front of me.
"Jace?" My voice came out quiet and almost childlike as he turned to look at me, his eyelashes flickering at my face being closer than it had been a few moments ago. We absorbed each other. He was the sun, and I was a root unearthing itself in desperation to see the light. But with the way I was burning out, always too close or too far, maybe I was the sun. Either way, I was fucked.
"Yeah?"
"What was your nightmare about?"
The spell broke, and he looked up again, gritting his jaw. "It was nothing. Forget it."
"It didn't seem like nothing when you were shaking," I said cautiously, fiddling with the long sleeves of my oversized shirt and becoming embarrassed at the sudden awareness that I was only wearing plaid grandpa boxers underneath. I waited to test the waters before continuing. "You had no idea where you were for a moment. That's not nothing. And you said 'don't.' What happened? Are you o-"
"I said it was nothing, Quinn" He retorted, his voice hard and cold. After taking in my fragile expression, his eyes softened and he ran a hand through his messy hair. "Shit, I'm..."
"I-It's okay," I muttered, turning back around so he couldn't see the hurt on my face. I felt him sigh from beside me, as if he were warring within himself. I figured out what the war was about when he moved closer, and wrapped an arm around my middle. I almost jumped at the unfamiliar contact, but I didn't move away.
His breath fanned my neck as he hesitantly rested his head against the back of mine, his chin touching the top of my shoulder; after a lifetime of only seeing him carefree and invulnerable, I wasn't used to... this, whatever this was. It was like seeing man walk on the moon for the first time. And I wanted, desperately, to believe that I'd been blind for all the years that I'd looked at Jace and seen only distance, distance that even a rocket couldn't cross.
"I just wanna forget," he mumbled against my exposed neck, raising goosebumps on my skin. I had no idea what he meant, and yet I understood the feeling perfectly. It was such a heartbreaking thing to say, especially from someone that was nothing like the human tragedy I was. I knew he had demons he was hiding, though. I wanted to burrow inside his mind and wipe the dust from every cloudy mirror of the memories he wanted kept hidden. Because even he had mirrors, like all people do. We all keep rooms in our minds, the furniture draped in white like the home of a ghost. We were all haunting something. It just turned out that he and I happened to be haunting each other.
"I know," I murmured, turning around until we were face to face against the same pillow. I did know. I thought that maybe I knew all of him, in that moment. "I've already tried."
He responded by pulling me closer and resting his chin against my hair, simultaneously stroking it. "This didn't happen, by the way. I'll beat your ass up if you tell anyone."
We weren't doing anything wrong. Were we? It was just a night, like any other, spent in the arms of the boy I've hated my entire life. It was just safety from the darkness eating both of us from the inside out. It wasn't romance. That was impossible.
"And what is this, Jace?"
He ran a circle over the exposed skin at my hip and pulled me closer. "It's now, Blue. It's just right now."
Blue. I didn't know what to do with that name. It felt too big for my body to hold.
But whatever was happening, I wasn't sure I wanted it to end. Holding him was easier than fighting, anyway.
Jace was the last thing I saw before I drifted off. I listened to the rhythm of his breathing, memorizing its tempo and melody like it was my favourite song. His hand stilled sleepily in my hair, and I slipped into a dream where I was floating on a sailboat above a soft velvet sea, looking up at the stars until I saw his face in the cosmos. Laughter floated down to where I lay and I saw him, blinking in the black cloak of night, where moonlight danced across his skin and made a home upon the soft slope of his nose. For once, I wasn't afraid of the water. He lit the way- wherever I was going.
~~~
Light filtered in through the cracks in my eyelids and I stretched out with a content smile into the soft pillow. I reached out to my side for the warm body next to me, until I realised I was patting an empty space.
"Jay?" I mumbled sleepily, blearily blinking my eyes open to see I was the only one still asleep and the curtains were open. Soft music was filtering from downstairs, so I forced my legs out of the comfort of the duvet, too half awake to even notice I was just wearing shorts and an oversized shirt, very much looking like a poster for the morning after pill.
come a little bit closer- jay and the americans
I came downstairs, cautiously peering round the corner into the open kitchen to see if we had an intruder, who just really liked cooking breakfast to 60's music. Honestly, I would have rather walked in to see an intruder standing shirtless over the counter and flipping pancakes than who it really was.
Jace was lost in his own world, muttering along to the vibrant music as he poked at the batter. The kitchen island had been stocked with pancake toppings, orange juice and cutlery. I walked in slowly and quietly, observing him like I was filming a nature documentary. A bewildered half smile burst across my face in complete and utter fascination; he swayed and sang under his breath, actually appearing to be happy.
"What in the world-"
Jace spun around at my voice, forgetting to catch the pancake he was in the middle of flipping. He stared at me for a second, before looking at the new mess on the floor. "You can have that one."
I let out a nervous, breathy laugh, taken aback by his sudden personality change. "By the way, I've called 911 already. You're not getting any money."
He rolled his eyes but chuckled, giving me a lopsided smile. "Mornin'.
"Uhh," I replied, completely confused. "Morning? You never struck me as someone who was this... alive at 10am."
He stuck his tongue out at me before grinning and grabbing my wrist. I almost went into cardiac arrest as he tried dragging me along to the music, singing loudly and badly. I felt like I was living in some fever dream in which Jace wasn't Death in human form, and my fears were almost completely confirmed when he lifted up my arm and tried to get me to twirl. I attempted to get as far away from him as possible, but his laughter was so rare and contagious that I found myself grinning back. Our eyes were still connected as we smiled at each other, but I was pretty sure the pancakes were burning.
"I'm pretty sure the pancakes are burning."
"What?" He said breathlessly, still staring at my face until he realised what I'd said and whirled around. "Oh, shit."
I sat down at one of the stools as he finished up, definitely not looking at his defined back, and waited as he brought two plates towards me, helpfully telling me that he gave me all the most burnt ones. He didn't let me take my stack until he had arranged a raspberry penis on the top with a mischievous smile. I glared at him as I yanked it away, and slathered them in an unhealthy and embarrassing amount of Nutella. Jace rested his chin on his hand and watched me, bemused and judgmental. I ignored him, and stuffed some in my mouth.
"I gesh yu do hasha pashon foh bahing-"
"Huh?" he interrupted. "I'm not fluent in 'freak'."
I swallowed and threw a raspberry at his face. "I said, I guess you do have a passion for baking after all."
"These aren't as good as the Helena cake though. That was my finest work yet," he said nonchalantly, earning him another raspberry to the forehead.
"Hey," I said after a pause, trying to act cool even though my heart was racing. "Why are you, you know. Doing this? Like, making breakfast and being all... positive?"
"My whole families out," he shrugged casually, but I didn't miss the almost excited glint in his eye. "And I don't know. I just feel different. Good different." I nodded, and decided not to look more into the fact that someone who punches people for fun and allegedly once did cocaine in Math class was suddenly wanting to make me breakfast.
"Oh," I blushed. Did he want us to hang out? Why would he? Even though we'd been weirdly intimate, we weren't friends, or anything close to it.
His knee brushed against mine, and something inside of me leapt free from its cage. A shiver went through me as red, heavy thoughts that I didn't understand clouded my mind, and nauseated, I blinked them away. I didn't like this sudden feeling that I was waking up with recently. It wasn't grief- it was something darker, that had hidden itself in the valleys of my soul for my entire life, and only came out when I looked at him for too long.
A voice from around the corner broke my confused and guilty thoughts, and we both turned in shock to see Lee walking towards us. "Hey, you made-" He stopped short when he saw us sitting together, like we were actually normal people. "...breakfast."
"What the hell are you doing here?" Jace snapped, resorting back to his old demeanor. "You were meant to be out today."
"Uh, I could ask you the same thing. And I am. But so is Noah."
"I- I am?"
"He is?"
"You are. Beth's house. It'll be fun!"
"Ugh," I groaned, stuffing more pancake in my mouth. "Why are you so optimistic all the time?"
He didn't reply for a moment, as he was busy staring at his brother, who had moodily stood to throw his plate in the sink. "Sorry," he said, after I nudged him. "Just trying to figure out how you're still alive. After sitting at the same table as him. Did he actually make you breakfast? You both hate breakfast."
"Come on," I blurted, changing the subject. I didn't know why I felt guilty when we'd done nothing wrong, but at Lee's words I realized that we'd both actually eaten. And enjoyed it. "But you better tell me what's so important that we have to actually leave the house."
"Summer? Youth?"
As I snorted and steered him away, I risked a glance at Jace. From the way he roughly forced open the dishwasher, the new side of him I'd glimpsed was gone. I almost missed him the second I left the room.
~~~
"I'm sorry, we're what?"
I was staring at Beth as she lounged on the grass like she'd just grown a third head. "We're not pranking Jace until he retaliates. I'm bored, so you can just be nice to him until he gets so sick of you that he HAS to do something."
"Great. You do know I'm the one who ends up getting abused in this situation, right?"
"Er, yeah," Pacey stated. "Exactly."
As I smiled and gave him the middle finger, Lee muttered under his breath, "Well, he didn't seem to be abusing you this morning."
I threw my arms out and sent daggers in his general direction. "Lee?!"
"Yes, Noah?" He replied, sarcastic.
"Woah, woah, woah," Bethany started, sitting up. "What happened this morning?"
"Well, they-" I slammed a hand over his mouth, and sighed with exasperation.
"We just ate breakfast without punching each other in the face. Shocking."
"No," said Pace without hesitation. "That is actually pretty shocking."
"Why would he be nice to you?" Beth mused, twirling her brown hair around a finger like she'd just been asked to solve the formula for time travel.
"He wouldn't. He's definitely plotting something."
He held you last night and murmured words of comfort into your hair.
"But thanks for the vote of confidence, Bethany. Means a lot."
"Oh my god," Lee said with girlish glee. "I was just looking at Gene's Insta story for absolutely no reason when I saw this." He held his phone up, and my other two friends gasped. I just tried to swallow the bile rising in my throat.
Jace and Chesca were together at one of their popular kid beach parties, her body flush against his, and for some reason, I didn't like it.
"Your brother never gets off with the same girl twice," Beth exclaimed excitedly, ignoring the pained look Lee was giving her at how much she knew about his brother. "He hates commitment almost as much as I hate you." She smiled sweetly at Pacey, and he threw grass at her.
"Hag."
"Shut up, Pissy."
I was barely listening. I hadn't even noticed myself ripping out chunks of grass from the earth until my hands were coated in mud. "He's not even touching her. It doesn't look intimate to me."
"Okay, virginial intimacy police. Maybe I should start calling you Pissy instead."
"May I remind you that all of you are also giant fucking virgins-"
"The rest of us don't cry to Taylor Swift," Pacey interjected matter of factly.
"Guys," interrupted my best friend, his usually chirpy voice laced with frustration and worry. "I think you're all forgetting the problem here. Chesca cannot become my step sister. Like, I'd actually rather join a cult and be brutally murdered."
Bethany sighed. "Please tell me you meant sister in law. I don't wanna believe I'm the only one of us with a brain cell, but every day, the evidence grows."
I zoned out of their mindless bickering and retreated into my thoughts. Jace and Chesca. Chesca and Jace. It didn't make any sense- he hated girls who got attached. Surely he couldn't like her.
I couldn't allow myself to feel hurt that I'd opened up to him and we'd shared a moment of closeness, before he went and poured it right back into the strawberry blonde that wanted me dead, but an unexplainable part of me did. Just like it was nothing.
That's because it was nothing. To him, you're always gonna be nothing.
I blocked the sound of his laugh from my mind, got out my phone, and texted Helena.
AN- this was kinda a filler chapter but i swear NEXT CHAPTER. SO GOOD. LONG BUT WORTH IT. INTENSE. AHHHH
also, i love the gay panic and complete obliviousness lmao.. like...
jace: im literally in love with noah
noah: hmm he's up to no good... he's plotting something dark and evil i can tell