And I turned my tears into hostages… (Part 2)
I picked up the strange orange object brining it closer for me to examine. I sniffed it but that didn’t help me decipher what it was. I licked up it then quickly made a face. It tasted worse that it looked.
“What are you doing?” Levi asked. He had a look of pure disgust in his face.
Wasn’t it obvious? “I’m trying to figure out what this is.”
“It’s a fxcking carrot.”
“I know, but how does one deal with these things”
Levi squinted his eyes. He looked around profoundly. “You put it in your mouth.”
“That’s he said.” I whispered as a side note looking down at the alien orange object.
“I want to punch your throat.” Levi said giving in. I looked back up at him with an innocent grin. His face relaxed and went back to its natural state, smiling.
“Why are you looking at vegetables anyway? We came in here to get snacks.”
“Yeah, I want healthy snacks”
“You?” He pointed at me. I nodded. “Healthy?” I nodded again. Levi sniggered. “You? The one that made me buy like 10 packs of those sour sweets?” I nodded remembering when Levi stole my sweet in Sainsbury’s.
“I’ll entertain this.” He sighed. “Why do you want healthy snacks?”
“Because I want to get fit.” I explained. I picked up the bag of then orange ‘carrots’. I didn’t know how I was going to eat them, but I would.
“Why? Your body’s fine.”
“I saw the Victoria Secret Fashion show last night.”
“Are you joking?”
“Candice and Jourdan are not a joke Levi”
“You really want to have a body like them?”
“Yes, what’s this?” I pointed at a rough green ball.
“Cabbage?”
“Does it taste nice?”
“It’s alright – no wait. Are you seriously trying to lose weight?”
“No, just tone so my belly looks like a washboard.” I smiled. “Don’t worry Levi. How many sit up does it take to start developing packs?”
“What?”
“Like how many days until my body is socially acceptable for me to walk around in a bikini only?”
“It takes months” I groaned. “And dedication.” I groaned louder. “And once you have it, it’s even harder to maintain. No fatty food.” I groaned really loud to the point where a woman walking past looked back.
“I don’t really like bikinis.” I back tracked. “And I think I’m allergic to vegetables.” I slowly took all the fresh vegetables out of my basket.
“Isle 7? Snacks and biscuits?” I nodded giving in. “Your perfect Satiah. No need to change.”
After picking up our high sugar, salt and calorie snack we went back to Levi’s. He hadn’t seen the VS fashion show yet so hooked it up on his Apple TV. As soon as the show started I regretted the bag of Doritos that we had just scoffed down. Levi became completely engrossed in the show. For the first time, he didn’t say a single word about anything. Just various gasps and closing his eyes slowly.
I stared at him when the show finished. Was he still functioning?
“Nah-“He shook his head in disbelief. “Joe!” He shouted. When he heard no reply he tutted. “Deaf cxnt.” I froze. Was I allowed to laugh at his brother’s disability? Was it ok to keep it light hearted? My heart started to pound as I realized I had never met his brother. Levi took out his phone, and I assumed to text his brother. He chucked his phone back on the bed and a few seconds later ‘Joe’ walked into his room.
I gave him a short wave. He wasn’t what I had imagined I thought as I took in his appearance. He seemed...normal. As soon as I thought that I scolded myself. Of course he was normal, he was only deaf.
“Should I speak?” I whispered to Levi.
“Why are you whispering?” I made a face realizing – Joe couldn’t hear me even if I shouted.
Joe waved at me. I smiled and nodded unsure what to do next. I pointed at the TV then gave him a thumbs up. I looked at Levi so confused. He didn’t prepare me for this. I hadn’t done a risk assessment yet.
Levi did a range of hand movements towards Joe. Joe replied. Levi replied then Joe replied. Levi burst out laughing hitting the bed. I smiled and half-laughed with the two brothers.
“He said hi. Your name is nice and yeah, he does think the fashion show was good. He masturbated to it this morning.”
“Oh, ew.” I pushed Levi away causing both of them to erupt in laughter again. For some reason I had never imagined a deaf person masturbating. And for another reason I found it so weird that Joe laughed… normally. Again, as soon as I thought it I scolded myself. Did I really expect him to laugh in sign-language?
“He’s learning how to lip read so feel free to talk normally around him. Just don’t talk too fast” I nodded.
“I like your top” I made sure to speak slowly. Joe furrowed and signed something to Levi.
“Not that slow.” He translated. “And no need to shout.” I nodded. Jesus, why was I being so awkward? Ok, more awkward than usual?
Joe signed something to Levi, then waved at both of us and left the room.
“He has football training. He said nice to meet you.” I smiled
“He seems so nice”
“He is. He’s an amazing kid.”
I nodded agreeing. “Uh, how young is he? It’s just that he looks a little young to be-“
“Wanking?” I nodded. Levi took the words right out my mouth.
“13.” Levi turned off the TV. He walked to his speakers that stood on his desk connecting his I-pod. He played J. Coles new album at a low volume. Levi didn’t know my dislike for Mr Cole. I decided not to say anything as I found myself tapping my foot to the soft beat.
Levi came back to the bed but this time he lay down. I sifted towards him and rested my head next to his. We were talking about our different colleges. They seemed so similar. There were the ‘populars’ that everyone either wanted to know or secretly be. There was the group of girls that made a strong effort every day. They claimed they did it for themselves, but who really had time for a full face of makeup and styling your hair when you had a 9am History lesson? Again, people wanted to either know them or secretly be them. We both had the group of really geeky people. The ones in all the computer-science clubs, first and last people to leave college. The massive group of people that loved Rock. You could always tell them apart from everyone else as they always donned black tops and greasy hair.
We both had the sports team – if you were in a sport team there was a large chance that you’d be a ‘popular’. The most popular sports we had in college was Rugby and Football.
You had the drama students, who most times were the loud girls, the girls who made effort every day and the populars. There was the group of really attractive Asians that had no time for anyone. They’d all come to college in their cars and latest gadgets. A group of sexy Latinos always in skin tight Levis and even tighter vest tops. You knew the group because they couldn’t walk past anyone without them doing a double take. Even some of the teachers. They had no time for anyone either. They had various (clearly older) men waiting for them in large cars every day when college finished.
Then there was normal people, like me. Who came to college to learn and left as soon as the bell rang. We didn’t mix ourselves in any of the sports teams, although we secretly wanted to. We didn’t join any of the clubs or talk too loudly in the lessons. We had pretty normal lives, until people like Jason and Richard got involved.
“Rich isn’t the type for public confrontation.” Levi stated.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Don’t get it twisted, he’s spun a few heads but he hates public drama. He’s a real chill guy. Likes to keep his business to himself” I nodded. “When he does have public drama though” Levi winced. “He’s my boy but even I don’t want to be around him.”
“How close are you and Richard?”
“Bloodline.” I nodded. I (un)luckily had three brother so I was down with all this street lingo. I could speak to these grime kids of my generation.
“And you and Jason” I questioned.
“Complicated.”
“Complicated how?”
“Like, we don’t really chat but you’ll always see us rolling together.”
“Isn’t that kind of fake?”
“Nah. This is what I mean. It’s complicated. If he ever got into a fight he knows I would back him”
“Oh” I was confused.
“But I’m probably the one he’s fighting.”
“Oh” I smirked. “Very complicated” I agreed. “Why do you guys even fight?”
“Clash of personalities I guess.”
“So why would you defend him in a fight?”
“Because he’s my boys’ boy. Like if I saw that girl with a boy’s name in beef,” he was talking about Patrick “I would back her no hesitation” I was still confused. “Because you’re my boy, and she’s your boy, so her and I are cool by association.”
“I understand that, but you and him and don’t get along. Why would you fight” and put yourself in danger, “for someone you don’t like?”
“Don’t you have that friend that you used to be willing to do anything for? And you two aren’t cool now but you can’t let go of the friendship you once had?” I instantly thought of Natasha.
“Yeah I guess” Levi nodded.
“It’s like that. It’s mad complicated” I nodded agreeing. It was complicated indeed.
“I see Levi.” I nodded again. “Hey Levi, is your name short for anything?”
“Leviticus.”
“Seriously?”
“Of course not. I’m not African. My mum would never curse me with such a name.”
“Anyway” I rolled my ignoring him. “I’m going to meet Pat for some dinner, you’re free to come?”
“Nah, I might start this English essay that was due two weeks ago.”
“Well, you’ll definitely be coming because I’ve left my oyster card at home, so.” I shrugged smiling. Levi had picked me up in his car and I assumed he would drop me home so I didn’t bring my Oyster. “Get your coat.” I tapped his shoulder sitting up.
Levi mutter profanities under his breath but he sat up too. I put on my khaki bomber jacket. I moved my from the hood before leaning down to tie my super fresh Adidas Superstars. I was so in love with these shoes. Joseph had order them to the house for me. We still weren’t talking but he knew how much I wanted them. I wore them to bed last night and I spent this whole day just staring at them.
“I really want those.” Levi commented tying up his own Khaki Timbs. I wanted those. Maybe if I ignored Joseph some more they would come through the post next week.
We drove to the African restaurant in a more or less comfortable silence. J. Cole played in the background and I actually hummed along. I didn’t like this. Was I being converted? Whilst Levi found a parking space I went to meet Pat as we were running a few minutes late. I walked in spotting her at a table.
She waved and I walked towards her, hugging her before sitting down.
“It’s so cold outside!” I said removing my jacket and resting it and the back of the chair. I combed my hair hands not wanting it to get tangled.
“I know. The bus service was so poor today.”
“Really?”
“Didn’t you notice?”
“No, Levi dropped me off actually”
“Good looking Levi?” I nodded looking down at the menu. My belly was rumbling and my eyes looked for the most filling thing on the menu. “Speak of the devil and she shall appear” I followed Patricks bulging eyes and ajar mouth to Levi at the entrance. I waved towards him getting his attention.
“Do you mind him joining us?” Patrick shook her head unable to speak. I leaned over closing her mouth just as Levi slid into out booth. I smiled. He purposefully choose to sit next to Patrick.
“You good?” He greeted her. She nodded her head pulling in her lips. I passed him the spare menu next to me.
Silence fell upon the table as we all looked through the menu deciding what to eat.
“Jellof is looking to hit the spot right now” Levi muttered.
“Patrick makes really good jellof,” I commented.
“Swear?” Levi looked up from the menu. I nodded. “I’m gonna have to try some one day.” Patrick nodded sweetly then hid her head in the menu. Levi furrowed his eyebrows looking at me. I could only smile.
Our food arrived and throughout the meal Pat became more relaxed. She could actually hold eye contact with ‘good-looking’ Levi. I don’t know why she made such a big deal about Levi. He was human and whilst, yes, he was extremely good looking, and he seemed to have this perfect balance of looking so sexy yet so naughty. He just had this air about him that made you drawn to him. He held so much of himself back that it only wanted to make you talk to him more. When you spoke to him you would realise how unapologetically he was himself. With one look he could set you off and make you think all types of things. On top of that he dressed well, was funny and friendly. A little cocky but he was so good looking you almost couldn’t blame him.
Ok, I know why she made such a fuss about him but it wasn’t as if she wasn’t as equally good looking as him.
Unlike Levi she didn’t hold herself back. She proudly wore her heart on her sleeve and her options on her various t-shirts. She always had an opinion on something and if she was quiet she didn’t know enough of the topic to have an opinion on. She had a beautiful full head of long box braids that she was currently wearing in a high ponytail. She had a few gold beads that stood out greatly against the jet black braids. She had most of her right ear pierced and filled with various gold earrings. Her mouth had two piercings, snake eyes on her tongue, a smiley and her frenulum under her tongue.
I knew she had a few tattoos but none of them were visible right now in her grey two-pieced knit dress. Added to that her always immaculate eyebrows and baby hairs, it was no mystery why Jasons’ friend was always trying to get her attention. You looked at Patrick and all you could see was personality. This made you equally drawn to her as you would Levi.
Actually looking at them, they would make a really cute couple.
"Hold on sis, let me snatch this bxtch real quick.”
“Patrick, no” I said trying to hold her back. She had such a quick temper and a hot tongue. All the waitress had done was give her a dirty look when she walked past us. Maybe it was because Patrick and Levi were laughing and the waitress clearly liked Levi – she kept circling our table asking if HIS meal was ok.
When Patrick challenged her look, the waitress caught a little attitude. I tried to distract her with a video on my phone but it was working.
“Get her!” Levi egged on excitedly.
I am a good person. I did not deserve Patrick and Levi at the same time. I did nothing to deserve this.
"I can't stand facetious girls like you."
"What?" The girl screwed her face taking offence to Patrick statement.
"Oh, I have to use small words with you because you are obviously a basic bxtch" Patrick swayed her hair behind her shoulder and licked her lips. That was Patrick’s version of a battle call. I gulped as Levi laughed.
“Because I’m talking to him you want to give me a dirty look? He wouldn’t touch you with a barge pole, whether or not I’m here. So don’t pretend to yourself that the reason he won’t blink twice at you, ask for your number let alone tip your broke self is because of me. Go to a mirror and screw your dead weave.” The girl opened her mouth clearly ready to argue back.
"Please can we just go?" I begged before it got any worse.
"No. This is getting good” Levi said leaning back.
“We teach girls to shrink themselves. We raise girls to see each other as competitors not for jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.” And with that I logged out of life.
Levi cackled clapping his hands. “I’m done. I’m dead! I’m deceased!” He laughed. The girl swayed from leg to leg.
Patrick had well and truly finished her.
“And don’t’ think I’m not going to report you to your manager.”
“You’re going to hell.” The girl kissed her teeth walking away.
“Yes I am. The throne is reserved for me and don’t you ever forget that bitch.” Patrick shouted after her.
Levi laughed hugging her and shaking his head. He was so pleased.
***
“Hello Devil.” I greeted the spawn of Satan. I rubbed her head like the little dog she was.
“How are you.” I gave Joseph a tight smile. I walked into the house before he could reply. I didn’t need or want his reply. I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. What food could I steal?
Joseph and the spawn followed before me. “Are you still angry at me?” I shook my head.
“Yes you are.”
“Don’t ask me questions you think you know the answer to.” I dismissed.
J ignored me. He moved onto the beautiful creation that were on my feet. “I see you got my present.”
“Yeah, I actually came over to say thank you.”
“You trekked across London to say something that you could say over the phone?”
“Yes. Yes I did.”
Joseph broke into a grin and so did I. I didn’t enjoy being angry at him, but at the same time I didn’t want to let him off the easily.
“We’re just about to watch Gremlins, if you want to join us?”
“Uh, yeah. I don’t really have any other plans anyway.” I played it cool.
After watching Gremlins everything suddenly made sense. Charlotte, aka the Spawn of the Devil, was HALF GREMLIN! I now had scientific proof after watching that movie.
“Aunty, I’m thirsty.” I smiled nodding down at her. I couldn’t let her know I was onto her. Of course she was “thirsty”. This was all a trick to get me give her water so her and her other gremlins could all multiply.
“Stay thirsty young thot.” I whispered so Joseph couldn’t hear. She giggled and hugged me. I shuddered under her warm body. I never knew that Gremlins could be so cute.
***
Home life was a lot better now that I had decided to forgive my brothers and mother. When my mum went food shopping I would join her sometimes and make conversation. She would listen and often laugh. She didn’t say much. I was ashamed that I didn’t know if it was because this was simply her personality or she had a lot on her mind. I didn’t know my own mother that well and I know she didn’t know me.
It was both our faults but I was trying to mend that bridge. Joseph came around a lot more as my mum babysat the half-gremlin for him sometimes. My other two brothers were still elusive as ever.
With Richard, everywhere I went with Richard, Jason was there.
New Year’s Eve, of course, would be no different.
I was talking to Richard on the phone on Christmas day. It was weird not having my dad with us on Christmas. It was weirder having Charlotte as well. Everyone made a bigger effort, we got a bigger tree, more presents and decorations. Joseph was staying over for the whole Christmas period in his old bedroom. It was really nice having my family around all the time, but I did need a little breather – and Richard was there to talk too.
“Aarons’ throwing a party, do you want to come?”
“Um, I usually watch fireworks with my mum”
“Oh, do you guys go up to London?”
“No, we watch it at home”
“Really?”
“Yeah”
“Fireworks or a night with me?”
“Hard choice,” I joked. “Buts it a tradition with my mum. And like you said, it’s a party so it won’t really be a night with you”
Richard didn’t say anything for a while. I could tell he was thinking of a counter argument. I didn’t think it would be as strong as it was though.
“I want to kiss you at midnight” Hello butterflies.
I remained silent trying to reign in this grin on my face. “Let me pick you up tonight, even though it’s a party all my attention will be on you, ok?”
“Ok.”
“10?”
“Yeah”
“Cool, Jason and I will pick you up.” And just like that the grin had been wiped off my face and the butterflies went home.
***
I examined my off shoulder black body that I had matched with a very tight and very short leather skirt. I ordered this last minute during the Christmas sales but I still wasn’t sure how I felt about it. It was very dark and gloomy for a New Years Eve party.
I went for dark lipstick and a smoky eye. My hair had been down quite a lot recently but I decided to tie it up in a very tight ballerina bun. My winged eyeliner was sharp enough to kill a man and my cheekbones looked just a dangerous.
Ok, maybe I was liking this look. I had to even give myself a double take. I picked up my phone after it vibrated. Rich was outside. I locked it placing it in my bra. I went downstairs. My mother had invited my aunts around to watch the fireworks.
“If it gets boring, you know you can always come home right?” I nodded giving my mum a kiss on the cheek. I hugged all my aunts and her other friends individually, and after they got over the shock that I was wearing heeled boots instead of trainers and that I was wearing make-up I was able to leave. Not before picking up the bottle of Vodka I got in my stocking from Kenny.
***
Richard tried to put a chocolate covered marshmallow in my mouth. Whilst I greatly appreciated the gesture-
“She’s allergic.” Jason spoke what I was thinking. Side-note, why was he still with us? We had arrived at the party now. Go on, skedaddle.
“You’re allergic?” Richard asked shocked.
“I’m allergic.” I looked at Jason. How was he going to explain to his best friend why he knew I was allergic? It remained silent for a while. All of our facial expressions where near comical. I had enflamed eyes looking at Jason. Jason had furrowed brows trying to find some explanation quickly and Richards hand slowly drew away from my mouth whilst his eyes flicked between me and Jason.
“Yeah. She mentioned it on that day we went to Nandos. Remember?” I nodded agreeing. Richard nodded apologising.
“It’s fine.” I gave Jason a dirty look, he smirked back at me. He knew I was allergic because he had tried feeding me marshmallows at his house on the day we nearly kissed.
I gave Richard a kiss. He wanted to play this game, I would play it better.
“Let’s go somewhere private?” I asked loud enough for Jason to hear.
“Ye-yeah.” Richard stammered. “I’ll catch you later.”
***
3 Cranberry and Vodkas, 2 shots of Absinthe and 2 Rum and Redbulls later. I was in a room with Ellie. My head was spinning and I was struggling to walk.
"We're playing Have you ever, you guys-" Ellie quickly pulled away from me.
Ok. I admit that for Chloe just walking in on me and Ellie on Aarons bed looked really bad. I admit. And I can explain.
No I can’t.
I innocently came up here to use the toilet, ran into Ellie and I wanted to get a closer look at her trainers. She had a pair of classic Adidas too and we got to talking about shoes.
And I was slightly drunk. And she was slightly drunk. And she leaned in.
I don’t think I even wanted to kiss her, but I was curious. There was something in the air when Ellie and I were around each other.
I just wanted to open Pandora ’s Box and take a peek.
I didn’t realise that I’d like Pandora ’s Box. Or that I’d allow Pandora ’s Box to run its hands all over me. I didn’t expect for me to react the way that I was reacting.
I didn’t realise that I liked kissing Pandora ’s Box.
"Oh." Chloe looked at Ellie's hand that were still lingering on my waist. Ellie dropped then, along with her eyes that stayed on the floor.
"I didn't realise that I was interrupting."
"You weren't" I assured. I pulled down my skirt and stood up. Ellie coped.
"Why did she have her hands on your waist?" Chloe pointed walking into the room closing the door behind her.
"It's really none of your business"
"Really Ellie?" I looked at Ellie. What was that tone I caught in Chloe's voice?
"Yeah. Just like you and Aaron are none of my business"
"Ok. We're about to play so you two might want to come down before Richard gets suspicious."
She gave a sharp smile before leaving.
I quickly followed.
I could hear Ellie calling after me but I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t look at myself.
Why had I done that?
There was no sensible reason why I had done that.
"I have never cheated." Courtney stated. She watched the large group. A few people took a sip but I looked at Richard. I knew this wasn't a lie detector test but I wanted to put some weight to the conversation me and Natasha had had. He didn't take a sip.
I noticed eyes burning into me, from Jason's direction. I looked at him and raised my eyebrows. What did he want? He raised his glass and took the shot. I watched Aaron who sat next to Jason. He didn't pick up his drink. I moved onto Chloe to see what she would do.
She took the shot.
As did Ellie.
"I have never led anyone on" Jason stated blatantly looking at me. I rolled my eyes sighing. This was really starting to get pathetic.
I ran my finger around my cup smiling at him. I refused to let him get under my skin.
From the corner of my eyes Richard took a shot. As did Ellie, Aaron and Chloe.
"I have never tempted someone who is spoken for" I smiled at Jason.
Jason filled up his glass with a dark liquor. Again, he raised his glass at me before taking a shot. At this rate he was going to be drunk before midnight.
After that silly drinking game everyone kind of left and did their own thing. There was a large crowd of people dancing in the conservatory– I was avoiding that place like a plague. I didn’t handle big crowds well. There were people drinking in the living room, just talking and playing games. There was a steady stream of more and more people coming who all seemed to know Aaron.
Everyone was friendly and all said hi to me. I got a few questions about the status of me and Richard, I stuttered around them completely obviously.
This was another example of that time. A group of girls that had arrived in synchronised fur black coats and halo eyebrows had crowded me. They had just asked me about Richard. I had never seen them before so I assumed they didn’t come to my college.
I made up an excuse to why I had to the kitchen and excused myself.
Why was everyone so interested in who I was and wasn’t kissing?
I wanted to escape everyone’s eyes. I remembered that Aaron’s house had a similar lay out to mine. I walked to the end of the kitchen hoping- yes! He had a pantry in the same place as me. I opened it thinking it would be empty.
No.
Of course he was in there.
"Sorry"
“Sorry”
“Sorry”
“Sorry”
We just repeated sorry and I pulled my hands towards myself not wanting to touch him by accident. I forgot how small and dimly lit our pantries were.
"Nah, it's ok" Jason smiled ending the repetition.
"I'm sorry.” I blurted out. He looked at me for a while. He knew I wasn’t talking about me evading his space by being in here.
"What about?"
"Everything. I should have said something to Richard"
"It's cool Princess" I grinned. Jason had forgiven me. I hugged him grateful that he didn't make a big deal out of it. Actually, he had made the most annoying deal out of it for the past couple of weeks, but he wasn’t making a big deal of the apology or dragging it out.
"Do you like being this close to me?” He asked into my neck.
"Can you not?"
"You look really beautiful today Satiah." He obviously could.
"Thank you." We remained silent for a while. I watched Jason roll up what smelt like weed in his hand. I could only assume he was rolling up in here so he wouldn’t have to share with other people. That was such a Jason thing to do.
He spoke after some time. "New year, new start. At midnight I promise to stop"
"Stop what?"
"Everything I've been doing for the past weeks.” So Jason had confirmed that I wasn’t being over confident or paranoid, he was playing mind games.
"What if I don't want you to?" I whispered looking at him. Wow, the liquor was making me speak tongues. I didn’t mean to say that aloud.
"Not really your choice. You're with my friend"
"I'm not"
"You still don't like commitment?” Jason joked that I couldn’t smile.
"Well he's having sex with the girl who beat me up over him"
"You found out" I nodded. I couldn't even be angry at him for not telling me.
"You two over?"
"Yeah. I'm not even sure we started”
"He really liked you"
"I bet he did"
"Really. You know what Natasha is like"
"Why are you defending him?"
"Because he makes you happy, what makes you and my boy happy makes me happy"
"You make me happy"
"Not in the same way Princess"
"Jase-" I tried to explain to him the delicate and complicated nature of our relationship. Yeah ok I had feelings for him and there was a time where I was unsure who I liked more, him or Richard. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to mess with out nearly perfect relationship. We weren’t broken yet we were both trying to fix us. We were fine as friends together, he would flirt but it would be just that – flirting. The second that anyone else got involved we would become so defensive of the other and want to defend our possible – yet not actual but maybe one day ‘more than friendship relationship’ – before it’s even happened.
The truth of the matter was that I had stronger feelings for Richard. And I felt almost apologetic for this fact, but why?
"It's cool Cleo. I’ve accepted it." He nodded. I nodded too. I think we both understood.
We remained silent. I took in Jason’s face and stance. He said he had accepted it but he looked just as glum as I did. Coming here tonight was feeling more and more like a mistake the longer I stayed. I didn’t know what else could go wrong tonight.
“I’m going to go get a drink.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll catch you later.” I nodded walking out.
I went to the drinks table picking up some vodka. I needed some liquor in me and fast.
A figure leaned against the table facing the crowd with their arms crossed. It was only when they spoke I realised it was Richard. "What's wrong with you?"
“Me?”
“Yeah”
"Other than you still fxcking Natasha?" I took a sip of my liquid confidence. He didn't respond, just watched me.
"Satiah-"
"I understand that we aren't official or anything-"
"Exactly"
"No, not exactly. Why didn't you just say that you were still fxcking her."
"Because I'm not"
"So you didn't have sex with her a month ago"
"I know"
"A week after you took me out?"
"We're not talking about this here"
"I’m going to talk about it. It’s your choice to listen."
"Well talk about it later."
“We will talk about it when I want to talk about it. I’m no Natasha or any of the other 100 girls you’re fucking. You can’t bark commands at me.”
“I know Satiah”
“So don’t talk to me like your child or inferior to you”
“Yes Satiah.” He smiled. Why was he smiling and why was his smile warming my heart? “I know you’re not Natasha, or any of the girls that I am not” he empathised, “not fucking. That’s why I’m with you, that’s why everyone knows that it’s about you. That’s why I stopped even chatting to her as soon as I caught feelings for you.”
I liked what I was hearing. “Carry on”
“I’m sorry?” He kissed my neck causing an instant smile. “I’m really sorry” He kissed my cheek. His hands trailed down my waist and sat on my hips. “I’m very sorry.” He kissed me on the lips. Instant tingles everywhere. Not one for public affection, but not one to turn town a kiss from Richard, I opened my mouth allowing his tongue entry.
“Ew.” Aaron whispered in my ear. I gasped shuddering. I’m sure during a full moon Aaron turned into a snake. I pulled away from Richard. I didn’t want to though.
“Can I steal my boy for a few minutes” I nodded slightly embarrassed. There were people looking over. Richard didn’t seem to mind, his hands still rested on my hips.
“You’re not off that easily though.” I reminded him. Richard nodded.
He leaned in and whispered in my ear, “I plan to make it up to you tonight.” I tried to hold back my smile. He gave me a peck on my lips before following Aaron.
I went back upstairs to use the toilet. I must have been gone for a lot longer than I thought. When I was halfway back down the stairs I heard loud shouting coming from the living room.
At this point this alcohol was starting to hit me. I couldn’t run down the stairs. I had to use the barriers for support so I didn’t fall. The shouting became a lot clearer when someone cut the music. I slightly stumbled into the living room where the drama was unfolding.
"You kissed her?"
Chloe, Courtney and Aaron stood in a triangle. Courtney was trying to rage towards Chloe but Aaron moved to hold her back. This only added fuel to the fire and she turned her attention to Aaron.
“You don’t get to touch me.” She shrieked pushing him away.
"Courtney-" Chloe said softly trying to calm her down.
"And you don't get to speak to me." She barked.
In a calmer tone she asked Aaron again, "You kissed Chloe?"
I watched his full reaction. In heat of all this he still wore that same creepy smile that made me so weary of him.
“Babe,” Aaron said smoothly trying to wrap his hands around Courtney.
“Don’t touch me.” She shouted pulling away. “Why? I told you about all of the problems me and Aaron where having. Did you run and laugh with him about me?”
“No, Court is was never like that.” Chloe said. She looked distressed but I struggled to feel any sympathy for her.
“What was it like then? Explain to me what it felt like to kiss my man.”
“Courtney there’s no need to make a scene.” Aaron again tried to touch Courtney. She pushed his hands away and turned to him.
“I think there is. Tell me how my best-friend tastes.” Aaron, stuck for words just shrugged his shoulders. Courtney shook her head fighting back tears. She walked out of the room slamming the door shut behind her. I had anticipated that move and had moved as far away from the door as physically possible. I didn’t want to be in her, or anyone’s way.
“Leave it Aaron.” Richard said when Aaron tried to make a move behind her. “Let her calm down.” Instead, another girl that I usually saw hanging around Courtney followed her out the door.
I ran my hands through my hair. That was intense. I felt so sorry for Courtney. That was probably one of the worst ways to start your new year, losing both you long term boyfriend and supposed best friend.
I took a seat on the sofa. The party mood had left with Courtney. Everyone just stood around unsure what to do.
“I feel like such a bitch” Chloe muttered to herself. I noticed that none of the girls had ran to her side to console her.
Aaron shrugged casually refilling his cup with some dark liquor. “She needs to chill. It’s not that deep.”
“Yes it is. She’s never gonna speak to me again.”
“What did you think would happen?” Aaron snapped. That was exactly what I was thinking! When she was parading around the boys changing rooms with the whole football team, kissing Aaron, she wasn’t thinking about him was she?
“I didn’t think she would find out. She’s going to hate me.”
“You weren’t thinking about that when you had my balls in your mouth.”
“Chill, Aaron.” Richard said trying to calm him down. His voice was getting louder and louder.
“Nah, why is she acting like a wounded animal? You’re loose, Courtney should have seen this coming.”
“I’m loose?”
“Yeah. What? You think I don’t know about you and Ellie?”
My eyes shot to Ellie who was looking at me.
“Ellie isn’t important.”
Ellie didn’t defend herself. She continued to look at me. I let out a breath of air and looked down at my drink. I couldn’t stop myself shaking my head. I really shouldn’t have come tonight. Literally, it was getting worse with each second I stayed here.
“She kisses anyone. She even kissed Satiah.”
Kill
Me
Now
My face was burning like the darkest pits of hell with three pairs of eyes burning into me.
Should I blurt out a secret too then?
Should blurt out to Courtney that her boyfriend and Best friend actually had sex, not just kissed. I should have but my mouth was clamped shut.
I opened it to let a small breath out. I should have left after speaking to Richard. I ran my finger around the rim of my glass unsure what to do. Should I storm out like Courtney and hope no one followed me? Should I stay here with my head held high? Just deny it? I scratched my neck deciding to play it by ear. Hopefully no one heard – or wouldn’t react.
“You kissed Ellie?” Richard asked. I bit my tongue Levi’s words ringing in my ears. He said that Richard didn’t like making public scenes and when he did, it never ended well. I raised my eyes slowly locking them with him. I gulped. I didn’t expect him to be looking back directly at me with such intensity.
“Um... define kiss?”
Jason scoffed. My eyes moved to him. Well, his back. He was walking out of the room.
I looked back at Richard. Could he use ‘kiss’ in a sentence? Could I ask the audience? 50/50? Call a friend?
He raised his eyebrows waiting for an answer. I wanted to stand up and go after Jason and explain myself. I don’t know what I would explain but we had just gotten back to a good place and I, again, had ripped it back down.
“Don’t’ be dumb.”
“Can we talk in private?”
“No.”
“Do you really want to do this here?”
“Yes.”
“It was... a drunk kiss” I tried to explain. Didn’t boys have a weird fetish with girls kissing girls anyway?
“Really Satiah?” Ellie chimed in. Really me? What about you. You’ve been trying it one with me at every party. I decided to leave that detail out not wanting to add more drama to this exploding Eastenders episode.
“You were angry at me about Natasha yet all this time you’ve been doing something with Ellie”
“A kiss isn’t exactly the same as having sex Richard.”
“It’s the same fucking principle.” I really didn’t want to get into an argument with Richard. I was no were near drunk enough to start shouting at him, or anyone in front of all these people and simply, I didn’t have a leg to stand on. He was right, and he had every reason to be angry. I wanted to tell him that but I couldn’t appear weak in front of all these people. Why couldn’t we just talk in private?
“What do you want me to say?” I asked. There was nothing I could say that wouldn’t get him angrier. What did he want me to say that would ease this situation.
Richard gave me a very confused angry look. That obviously wasn’t the right thing to say either. I almost winced under his glare. He let out muffled groan. He was clearly holding back a lot of anger. Anger, that was scarily aimed towards me. I took a set forward, I didn’t know what I planned to do but he immediately took one back.
“Fuck off” He put his drink down before also leaving the room. I took a few breaths in before following after him. I didn’t know whether he had gone upstairs or outside. The door was open so I took a chance and left the house. I looked up and down the street but there was no movement. Only the faint sound of music from another house on the street and some fireworks.
“Richard!” I shouted. There was no reply. I walked to the end of the road thinking that maybe he was around the corner. I was greeted by a fox that quickly ran as soon as it saw me. I looked up and the down the road again but there was no one.
I felt my phone vibrate in my bra. I took it out quickly hoping that it would be Richard, or at least Jason.
It wasn’t.
“I know your mum has told you things about me, but that’s not the full story. Happy New Year daughter” - Dad
I rolled my eyes so tempted to thrown my phone as far away as possible from me. I yelled out loud. What more, could really go wrong tonight? I couldn’t face going back to the party. I knew everyone would just be looking at me and making up rumours that without doubt be spread like wild fire.
I started walking towards the only place that hadn’t let me down recently.
I was lucky that it wasn’t too far away. I walked straight in and towards them.
I tapped their shoulder to gain their attention.
They turned around and immediately a smile grew on their face. As soon as the smile appeared I knew that I had made the right decision. They opened their arms and I walked in, embracing them.
***
#2015andIStillDontSpellCheck #WhoHasSatiahGoneToSee? #IWishLeviWasReal #IWishTheseI’mAvoidingLawEssaysWereFake