12/21/48
Monday
Indiana
Paislee
I started noticing that Deen and I were arguing more. It had been weeks since Deen's birthday and in those weeks we had many alterations. It felt weird because we never had exchanged words like this before. It wasn't like we were cussing at each other but whenever Deen said something it was like a trigger for me to respond.
Slowly, my mind weakened. When Deen went to work, I grimaced. When he told me he had found this new place to sing at, I rolled my eyes. More late nights, more cigar smoke on his clothing, and drunken women throwing themselves at him.
If you don't do better, those drunken women will succeed in their tactics, the voice inside my head spoke. But then it said this, do you think you'll ever be anything other than a trophy wife if you continue what you're doing? I went through periods of severe insecurity where I practically did everything society said to keep Deen with me. He never noticed how I truly felt but instead smiled when I fixed extravagant lunches or tied his tie perfectly. I also went through periods when I wanted to be anywhere away from Deen so that I could be Paislee and not just a wife. This was usually when most of our fights happened. I wanted to prove to him that I was more.
Because wasn't I? I was more than just a body for sex or a reason for Deen to brag about how he was such a good man. The arguments started with these feelings that I refused to tell Deen because I wanted to be a good wife like the ones in the public. But when Deen told me about his hard work at his job or avoided talking about finances with me, that's when I got angry. He didn't do it on purpose but it was always "Don't worry" or "I got it, sweetheart" instead of just telling me the truth.
"Always start off the week off with a clean house because it shows that you're aware. It doesn't hurt to also bake some goods either! Cookies, cakes, or pastries work fine. Use this recipe below. . ." I read from the magazine sitting on my lap. My finger traced every word and I sighed looking around the house.
I had just put up some clothes so I was fine there but I knew we didn't have chocolate chips for a batch of cookies and we were low on dish soap. I got up heading for the pantry and saw all of the ingredients for cookies except for chocolate. On a mission, I went and grabbed my keys, purse, and coat and headed out the door.
The weather was cold and I examined the white sky that threw cool winds from all directions at me. I finally made it to the city and by that time, my hands were stiff with cold and my hair voluminous from all the breeze blowing. The grocery store wasn't far but I walked slower to see all of the holiday decorations and festive clothes people were wearing.
My heels clicked rhythmically until they stopped tapping. A new store near the grocery store appeared. I looked up at its title and discovered that it was a women's department store. A colored-only sign resided beside the store name as well. In the window of the shop, I saw a sign that said: CURRENTLY HIRING.
I looked down at my black heels and rushed the idea out of my head. I stepped toward the grocery store but stopped to look back at the sign. The words hiring stood out to me. I bit the inside of my cheek and just like that, forgot all about cookies, chocolate, and dish soap.
I went inside the shop. This would only be the first of many secrets I began to keep from Deen.
° ° °
"Please come back soon. Thank you for your interest."
I turned to the workers of the store. There was an array of women that had opened up this store in hopes of accomplishing their dreams. I smiled back at them as they waved to me hoping and praying that they couldn't see the distress behind my eyes.
"Thank you for listening. Have a great day and be safe!" I called, pushing the front door open and stepping onto the pavement outside.
The air was crisp inside my lungs and I couldn't help but start panicking. The owner seemed interested in expanding the store which meant I had an actual chance at getting a job. I didn't know what I had gotten myself into but what I did know is that Deen was most likely already at home right now. That was enough for me to rush home like a mad person in slight fear that Deen would be upset with me.
I was five minutes from home when a group of men catcalled me. I could hear their playful whistles and slick remarks and out of nervous habit, I played with my hands. It was then that I realized I had no chocolate chips nor soap. Nothing in hand. I figured I would make up a lie to Deen and proceeded to scurry past the men that were still calling out for me.
"I'm home," I yelled once I entered the house. When I got no response except for the sound of the shower, I figured Deen was upstairs.
I trudged up the stairs and towards the bathroom where a trail of Deen's clothes greeted me. His glasses on the sink along with his hair comb. He was humming and I could see his body outline from outside the curtains.
"Paislee?"
Instead of replying, I peeled back the shower curtain. "I'm here. I just came in the house a second ago," I said.
Deen nodded and combed through his wet hair that was now dark brown instead of blonde. He looked good. "Okay, I figured," he said casually.
I waited for an interrogation on where I was because I never came home later than Deen. Instead, he kept washing and rinsing his hair.
"Do you wanna' get in?" He asked.
My eyes widened. "Uhh, no. I just expected you to question me or something. I don't know."
"Do you want me to?" Deen turned off the shower and grabbed the towel hanging down on the shower pole. He stepped out, wrapped a towel against his waist, and wrapped a wet arm around my waist.
My dress dampened from coming in contact with his chest and I felt his eyes looking down upon me.
"What were you doing?" Deen asked.
"Buying chocolate chips," I said quickly even though Deen wasn't anywhere serious.
"But you're empty-handed?"
"They were out."
"Mhm," Deen hummed and chuckled. "Satisfied?"
My mind reminded me of a caption that I remembered from the magazine. Ask him how his day was to show that you care. Except for every time I asked him, a bad feeling brewed inside me.
"Let me tell you what happened today. It was crazy," Deen said suddenly, beating me to it.
I nodded putting on a fake smile. In the back of my head, I thought about the job that I had just been interviewed for. The one that I wouldn't tell Deen about. But then, I thought of something and started to pay attention to Deen. I had already zoned out too many times.
"Wives are listeners, yes, but most importantly they are obedient listeners"
Deen
Something in Paislee was changing and I was having the worst time catching up. Over the past month or so, I watched her turn into an anxious mess. As much as she tried to hide it with smiles and affection, behind her eyes I could always see some kind of red flag that I was missing.
I thought I was working too much, so I made sure to spend time with her after I got off. Coming behind her while she cooking, having talks with her as she did her hair, giving her random kisses, and holding her at night. And it worked for some nights. Still, I saw those ill feelings build behind her eyes. Every smile seemed forced and every laugh was trying to hide pain or anger.
I was trying my best to hold the peace and not get upset myself but it was hard. She constantly bit back at me, got upset, and grimaced and grunted at my presence sometimes. I tried singing more often and even songwriting which helped. Some nights I would go to the bars, hop on the stage, and sing for hours as I watched happy people dance in front of me. It relieved my stress.
I looked across the table at Paislee as we ate dinner now. She had been eyeing me the whole time, looking expectingly almost.
"You know I appreciate you, but you don't have to cook all of these big meals, Y'know?" I said to Paislee as she stared at the glass of tea in front of her. "Lee? Paislee?"
She perked up. "Mhm?"
"I was just saying that you don't have to cook all of these huge meals. I appreciate it though and you know I love it but I also know how time-consuming it can be."
"What else am I gonna' do all day then?" she said quietly.
I blinked. "I didn't mean it in that way—"
"You never do."
She kept on eating as if her words weren't sharp. I could guarantee that she felt my stare on her but her eyes remained down. I studied her face carefully. The mascara on her eyelashes, the residue of rose-colored lipstick on her lips, and her soft cheeks that were now sunken in. Leaning over slightly, I grabbed her hand across the table but only got to feel her fingertips before she was using her hand to brush her hair back.
I felt stupid, silly even, trying to get her attention but I persisted. I wanted to know why she was acting like this. Why everything had to be so awkward or angry. I got up from my seat and went over to Paislee, deciding that I would have to face her to gain her attention. I bent down in front of her, my fingers gripping her knees to turn towards me, and cocked my head to the side to see her face better.
"What's wrong?" I simply asked.
"You always think I'm doing something wrong," she spat.
"I didn't say you. I was asking in general. By the way that you just responded to me something is off. Was it something I said, something that happened today while I was gone? Are you bored of me talking about work?" I cracked a small smile but all she did was frown.
"Wouldn't say bored is the word. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Am I just supposed to sit here and enjoy when you school me about your work and money? I'm not stupid you know. I know that you're a working man and I'm just—"
"You can be whatever you want. You don't have to stay home bored—"
"I know. I hate when you do that! You give me options like you're the only one who controls me. You don't have to give me a lecture on what I can and cannot do because I'm pretty sure I know." She stood from her chair, now towering over me. Her voice mocked mine, "Paislee you can do this, and that, and this. Stop teaching me things I know!"
"Why are you raising your voice? I'm trying to have a conversation with you and you're blowing up. You're like a ticking time bomb nowadays," I said, standing up to match Paislee's stance.
"A ticking time bomb?" Paislee asked quietly.
"Yes. You're anxious, always thinking that I'm against you or something, and you put words in my mouth. It's like if I say something there a fifty-percent chance that you'll say nothing or make a scene."
"Well, that makes two of us then."
Paislee started to clear the table of silverware, cups, and plates and whisked herself into the kitchen. I watched her stand before the sink, looking down the items with her chin sunken down to her chest. She turned on the water before abruptly shutting it down.
"I don't have to do this. It's not my job," she mumbled quietly. It was like more of an affirmation to herself than a statement.
I came beside her, she jumped in surprise. "I'll do it then," I said.
"No, I got it," she responded.
"But you just said—"
"I said I got it, Deen! I just want some time alone."
"You need time alone?" I asked rhetorically with a sarcastic chuckle. "You're the one demanding time alone when you started. . . Never mind, I'll be working upstairs."
"Fine."
I walked up the steps slowly, clenching my fist repeatedly. I talked quietly to myself and played Paislee's words over and over again. "I try to understand her. . . It's the holidays and all I wanted to do is be with her. I'm trying so hard to be understanding but damn, she's making it hard. I don't get her. . . At all. This just makes me not wanna' be here. I rather be anywhere than here. Anywhere. . ."
° ° °
Anywhere turned out to be in my little office space in the spare bedroom of our house. Well, it wasn't technically an office but we said until our possible, future kids were born, we would consider the room a spare. I wanted to call Dean but I was afraid that I would say too much. I knew once I got on that phone I would start rambling and I didn't want to involve him in my situation.
So instead, with my glasses resting on my nose and a book in hand, I read. I read, trying to escape from the reality that was just below me downstairs as she was probably lying on the couch now. The words of the book jumbled as I tried to figure out if what Paislee was going through was just a phase. A period of her trying to adjust or just missing home even though there wasn't much to miss.
I pushed my glasses further up on my face when I heard the door creak. An apology? My ears honed in but my face remained bowed to my book. I didn't hear footsteps but I remained devoted to my book as if it would make some kind of statement. I heard the door closing and peeked up. Paislee was there and I met her eye just in time before the door separated us.
"Just seeing where you were at. I heard a noise," she said quietly.
I knew there was no noise. I also knew there would be no apology.
I remained quiet, nodded, and looked back down.
"I'm going to bed, turn everything off. . . Please," she said and shut the door.
After a while of reading and trying to clear some part of my mind, I went to bed myself. I went into the main bedroom and saw Paislee sleeping under the thick covers. They were tucked under her chin and just from her position I could tell she had rolled over on my side of the bed.
Once I had washed my face and got into pajamas, I slipped into bed carefully behind Paislee. She was warm against my chest and naturally, her head fell back against my shoulder. I held her as gently as possible because I knew if she was awake she would not be this close.
My hand fell in the valley of her waist and my fingers crawled carefully down her body. With my middle finger, I traced the birthmark that Paislee had on the outside of her thigh. She had more, two exactly. One directly on the left side of her hipbone and the other underneath her right breast. My finger lazily danced upon her skin as I recalled my anger from earlier, but my want to feel her against my skin overpowered everything.
Paislee stirred and I instantly removed my hand from her waist. Her eyes opened slightly. "Deen?" She asked groggily.
I blinked as if I had been asleep the whole time. "Yeah?" I responded.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing. You rolled over here."
She looked down. "Oh."
She moved the sheets and climbed over to her side of the bed. Her back was turned to me at last and I fell back against my pillow.
I wondered how long this would last. . .
-
Hi everyone! Hoping everything is going well for you guys. I'm wishing everyone safety and happiness most of all. How does everyone feel about this chapter or any specific characters and events? Share any thoughts or comments if you please.
Happy reading loves,
~Rc xoxo🦋