Clandestine By annabellemoon-
One ❥ (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction / Occult?? (Genre)
Best laid plans (Themes)
First Person Past (somewhat inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌚🌚🌚🌚)
---------------- 10.28.2020 -----------
Hello
Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.
- clear genre (Teen Fiction)
- clear time period (Unknown, possibly the present)
- clear MC (Lilith)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Emerson, Lilith, Jess, Becca, Esme, August)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)
There are a lot of positives I must mention about this chapter, the first being that AWESOMELY unexpected ending. I did not see that coming and it served as a big "Huh? What? What's going on here?"
Another positive is the character voices and even their names. I do think there were too many characters in this one chapter, many of whom could probably have been cut without hampering the story or the flow, but kudos for making it your own.
With regards to the story, it's pretty straight forward. The twist, as I've mentioned already, doesn't come until the absolute end and it was a brilliant way to tease the reader to continue to find out WHY she reacted how she did.
Though I found the MC to be controlling and in some ways unforgiving, I will admit that her faults didn't repel me. In fact, they drew me closer because perfect people don't exist and neither should perfect characters. She's a dreamer. And yes, she had her life planned out but there's a quirky sweet nature to that fact. So as far as character voices go, I think you've hit a home-run here.
I've mentioned before that there are quite a few names to digest in the first chapter. I will stand by that claim.
Another issue that needs addressing is the editing, more specifically, the format. Often, two characters were featured in the same paragraph. That poses a problem when one answers one way and another answers differently. By then, it's hard to know WHO has spoken and who is responding. This happened more than once.
Separating the dialogue to match the person doing the action would go a long way to making this a smoother read. Though I thought some events were easy to spot, I will say that the ending more than makes up for it. For now, once the paragraph formatting is set and maybe an ineffective character or two is put out to pasture, I think this little story can get the job done.
Good on you!
P.S. Don't forget to tell the reader when the characters shift locations.
If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.