That was probably one of my unforgettable moments in my life. Imagine the embarrassment I felt that day. Plus the annoying mockeries of Jade and Kobi. Well, atleast they were there to witness it. The first few days after that, they cannot really shut the fúck up. Kahit ako naman. Sobrang laking big deal noon sa akin at kahihiyan. I'm glad it was just the three of us. I can't imagine Dwayne witnessing that.
So to avoid that from happening again. I started taking hormonal pills. It's what they called- Hormonal replacement therapy. Because I really cannot take the fact that that Pakistani guy mistaken me for a top bisexual! I am not! I am a woman! Girlalu! Ganern!
"Mukha ka naman kasi talagang paminta! Ang pogi mo kaya!" Sabi ni Kobi habang pumipila kami sa isang drug store.
"Yucks! Trans ako, Kobi! I am into straight men! Hindi ako napatol sa kauri natin na nasa mga letra din ng LGBTQ+! Transgender straight woman!" Madiin kong sabi. Nilulukot niya ang maikli niyang bangs upang kumulot.
"I know! Kaya lang ang bobeta mo rin para mag upload ng basic pictures mo dun sa app! Eh di napagkamalan kang paminta! Tapos wala ka pang nilagay sa bio mo."
Tama naman siya dun. Pagka-uwi namin galing Ortigas ng araw na iyon ay chineck agad nila ang profile ko sa app. At napagtanto nilang kaya pala ako napagkamalan dahil iyong pictures ko na nilagay ay walang bakas ng pagiging trans. At wala ding bio for disclaimer.
"Kaya nga in-edit ko na, diba? At magho-hormones na ako!" Sabi ko.
"Kung hindi ka pa napagkamalan hindi ka pa magte-take!" Sabi ni Jade. Umismid na lamang ako at dumiretso na sa counter ng ako na ang susunod.
Kobi and Jade were already taking hormones for five months now. They encouraged me to take one as well but I was hesitant to do so. Dahil bukod sa hindi ako sigurado kung safe nga ba ay alam naman nila ang estado ko sa bahay. I am not very open with my father.
At ngayon, hindi lamang dahil sa napagkalaman ako kung hindi dahil napagtanto kong kailangan kong i-ugnay ang pisikal kong anyo sa nararamdaman kong pagkatao ko. And I am not doing this for anyone's validation, I am doing this for myself. For my gender euphoria. I am Apple Sandova, 18, a Trans Woman!
Lumipas ang dalawang buwan at nakikinita ko na ang epekto ng hormones sa katawan ko. I took an anti-androgen and an estrogen pills as my combo. I did not explore much to any other pills because I was instantly hiyang with my first combo. I also have read a lot of articles about hrt and the more I understand about it the more I gained respect for myself for being a trans. It will never be easy. No one can ever tell me how to live my life.
"Kumikinis na mukha mo." Puri ni Jade nang mag sleep over kaming tatlo sa bahay nina Kobi. We were watching a boy's love series. I shrugged.
"Hiyang ako sa progynova."
"Maintain mo lang iyan, sis." Sabi ni Kobi na naglilinis ng kuko. I nodded.
It's already summer and next school year we're going to be on the twelfth grade. I hope I would still be with Dwayne in some of my subjects. Kobi and Jade never met him formally. I have this feeling towards Dwayne, like I want to be protective of him. It's not like Kobi and Jade are harmful, but I know that they shouldn't be friends with someone as pure as Dwayne. Especially now that I knew of his boyfriend. Rocco del Francia. Just the name, I know if I would ever bring trouble to Dwayne, he would kill the shít out of me. I met him last year's intramurals. Kaya pala sinesekreto ng bakla dahil ganung kalibre pala ng lalaki ang jowa niya. Kung ako sakaniya, mang-iinggit talaga ako ng mga haliparot na babae at bakla sa school. Heh!
The physical changes in my body were very visible on my eight month. My boobs were cute like that of a teenage girl in puberty stage. My face has a feminine shape now. My arms were soft. I gained curves. And as days passed by, I feel like I am now in the right place. I feel more... Me.
At kung gaano nagbabago ang katawan ko, ganoon din nagbabago ang tungo sa akin ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Lalo sa mga lalaki. Sa tuwing naglalakad ako sa hallways ay malagkit sila kung tumingin at para bang kapag nakikita ka nila ay ina-assume nila na nagpapapansin ka at habol mo sila. Mga feelingerong mga palaka!
"Tigang ako ngayon, pre."
Iyon ang narinig ko nang dumaan ako sa kumpulan ng mga lalaki sa hallway. I don't know but it got into my nerves. Lately, since I started taking pills, I experience intense wave of emotions. At hindi ko nakokontrol. Lalo na sa ganito.
"Parang swak to, pre." Sumipol ang lalaki kaya tumigil ako at lumingon. And I was right when I saw they were all looking at me. Mga manyak!
"Kaya pala tigang ka, ang panget mo pala." Umirap ako sa pinaka-panget na lalaki na putak ng putak. Sa kumpulan nila siya iyong pinaka dugyot ng itsura. Bakit ganito? Palagi nalang. Kung sino pa iyong mga dugyot iyon pa iyong hilig mag cat call. Duh!
"Owwww!"
Nag asaran ang mga lalaki at mabilis na akong umalis doon. Hindi na naka sagot pa si dugyot. I saw beautiful faces in their group but none of them had the guts to cat call me or anyone. It's not like only the good looking has the right to cat call women, but duh? Kung panget ka na nga, bawiin mo naman sa ugali! Kaloka!
On my ninth month in hrt, I started buying cute and skimpy clothes. I did photoshoots in my room. Ina-upload ko sa app at nilalagyan ko na rin ng bio. A pre-op transwoman. I know most of the guys doesn't have a slightest idea of what is pre-op or post-op is, and its difference. Kapag narinig nilang transgender, iisa lang ang understanding nila roon: bakla.
Mabuhay, Pilipinas!
Marami na rin ang nakaka-chat ko sa app. May mga bored lamang. May mga sex agad hanap. At may mga professionals din naman na naghahanap ng mapapangasawa. I learned to take all of these lightly. Chill lamang kumbaga. Kung na match edi good. Kung bet at hindi naman nag match, edi move on.
I focused on my studies when we got to the prelim of the second sem. I am graduating and next year I will be a college student na. And everytime I faces my father, all the more I could feel the pressure he's giving me.
"You're taking Architecture, Apolinario." Mahinahong sabi niya habang kumakain. I stopped moving my food in my plate when he said that. Nag-angat ako ng tingin. I sighed.
"Dad, I want fine arts." Sabi ko. My mother cleared her throat. My brother, however, was smiling like an idiot.
"It's the same. Arts." Sabi ni Daddy. Kumirot ang puso ko.
"Atleast give me this one, Apolinario. It's all I ask of you." Aniya sa may pinal na tono. I did not get the chance to further explain my side because he dismissed all of us and went to his study.
"Sige na, Aps, kaya mo iyan." Sabi ni Kuya. Umirap ako. Kaya mo mukha mo!
"Mom." I called. She smiled sweetly.
"You should've expected this. He's an engineer. He wants you to be in the same field." Aniya. Namuo ang luha ko ngunit sinikap na hindi na lumikha pa ng kung anong drama.
In this house, I am suffocating. This is something that I have to hide in a mask everyday. In school. That's why later on that evening, while taking a brisk shower, I was singing Reflection by Christina Aguilera. Charot.
Syempre kinabukasan sa school, baklaan mode on na naman ang lola niyo. This is who and what I am. I don't spread negativity. I never let my internal turmoil affect the people around me. I am the life of the party as what my friends said. I truly am.
"Ford, wait... Uh.." I moaned when Ford sucked on my neck as he cupped my left boob. We're now in their locker room. Katatapos niya lang maglaro ng basketball at amoy pawis pa sya ngunit sobrang bango pa rin. After months of pestering me, I finally gave him the chance.
"Shít, Apple, you've grown so beautiful." Anas niya at hinubad ang sky blue jersey niya. Tumambad sa akin ang makinis at maputi niyang katawan. He brought my hands to his chest and I pinched his nipples.
"You like me now?" He asked. Napa-angat ako ng tingin sakaniya. I sneered.
"Pagnanasa lang." I straight forwardly said. He frowned.
"Whatever."
Yumuko siya ulit at hinalikan ako sa leeg. I raised my hand to cup his crotch and I felt it so agonizingly hard. He moaned.
"You've seen it before, right? Now it got bigger." He smirked.
"Weh? Parang lumiit nga, eh. Ano hormones mo?" I joked. Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. Tumawa ako.
"Puro ka talaga kalokohan, Aps!" Naiinis niyang sabi.
He cupped my face and kissed me wetly. I responded but we both stopped when we heard a voice.
"Huwag kayo dito, may condo ka naman Ford."
Napatingin kami sa lalaki at si Jerry lang pala. Bestfriend ni Ford. Pinamulahan ako habang tinatakpan naman ako ni Ford ng katawan niya.
"Tangina mo naman, tol, eh."
I waited for Ford outside of their locker room. Hindi natuloy ang balak naming gawin dahil nagsipasukan na rin ang ibang players. He told me wait for him outside. He's been courting me for a month now. Ganda ko noh? Syempre. Napagtanto kong maganda kung mag explore muna ako. Like trying this. How this feels and all that. Kahit bobeta itong si Ford sa klase ay boyfriend material naman.
Nilibre niya ako ng burger sa isang burger house. We talked and took selfies. We never talked about what happened earlier. Pinagtitripan ko din siya dahil parang lumiit talaga ang burat niya.
"Really, what happened, Ford?" Natatawa kong sabi.
"Stop it, Aps." Naiiling na siya. I don't feel any romantic feeling towards him. Libog lang talaga at syempre, boyfriend boyfriend. I'm not a user ha. For all I know this brute is also just after my body. Babaero kaya nito.
We called it a day when Kuya Apollo texted me he's outside. Nagpa-sundo ako dahil hindi pwedeng si Ford ang maghatid sa akin sa bahay. Father will see him. At wala akong balak ipakilala siya. Never. At isa pa, hassle na rin kung magco-commute pa. Madilim na.
Kuya Apollo was giving me a hard look when I got into our car. Kumindat ako sakaniya.
"Ford Chavez?" He asked. Kilala niya panigurado dahil ang kuya ni Ford ay varsity player din sa ADMU. I nodded.
"Tangina mo, Apple, lumayo ka diyan." Naiiling na sabi ni Kuya. Tumawa lang ako at hindi na sumagot pa.
Habang bumibyahe ay tumunog ang cellphone ko. Isang mensahe galing kay Ford.
Ford:
ingat :P
At may sumunod pa. Halos lumuwa ang mga mata ko sa bigla at natatawa dahil sa pinasa niyang litrato ng burat niya. He's on the comfort room of the burger house! Bumalik talaga sa loob para mag yabang!
"His Kuya is subject to removal from the team. Doing illegal drugs." Sabi ni Kuya. Namilog ang mga mata ko.
"Nakakaliit ba iyon ng titi?" Tanong ko. Hindi makapaniwalang tiningnan ako ni Kuya Apollo kaya sumabog ang tawa ko.
"Could be? I don't know." Aniya at ibinalik sa daan ang mga mata. Okay, bye ka na Ford. I'm not being judgmental pero time's up na rin ang trial card mo. Next! Charot.
I opened my app to check some new faces. At ang unang-unang bumungad sa akin ay ang isang lalaking seryoso at mapanganib ang mukhang naka diretso ang tingin sa kung saan man siya nakatingin. He only has one photo. He was holding a gun. It looks like he's doing airsoft. May nakatakip din sa teynga niya at may transparent glasses sa mga mata. The way he was holding the gun screams so much of power and dominance. The veins in his forearms was protruding. There were thin and dark hairs on it. And he has a big tattoo on his left bicep.
Oh my...
I look for his name and when I found it, wala sa sarili kong iniswipe iyon pa right.
Matched.
Oh my... God!
You matched with Ty.