[Unedited]
<>Natsu<>
The week following Lucy’s death was a blur. Mira and Erza banded together to organise her funeral, and all the job requests sent to the guild were immediately disbanded. Master Makarov closed the Guild Hall until after the funeral.
As for me, Happy and I moved into Lucy's apartment. After what happened, I couldn't bare to leave it. The bed smelled like Lucy, and everywhere I looked, memories of her lingered. I could almost hear her laugh echoing somewhere in the back of my mind.
Every morning at the same time, Erza stopped by to drag Happy and I out of bed and to the guild where we would meet Makarov, Mira, Gray, Wendy, Carla and Juvia; the ones helping to plan Lucy's send off. Despite all their best efforts to get me to contribute, I never said a word. The only piece I put in was a single demand.
I want to take her away. I brought her to Fairy Tail, its only right that I take her away too.
Aside from that, I hadn’t said a word since I woke up in Lucy’s apartment.
My request rang in my head. I wondered if I'd made the wrong decision. But everything in me disagreed. I knew that I was the sole reason she got into Fairy Tail; it would feel wrong to let anyone else take her away from the guild.
The day before Lucy’s funeral was dark and cloudy. Wendy said a storm was approaching fast. That was fine by me; nice weather seemed like an insult to Lucy’s memory.
‘-asked to say a few words,’ I tuned in as Erza’s voice rose slightly.
‘Would you like to say something, Natsu?’ Mira asked quietly.
I didn’t answer. I just continued to stare out the window, sitting on a bench with one leg slung over the side and the other drawn up to my chest where I rested my elbow. Happy sat on the bench beside me, his head lowered and his hands in his lap.
‘Natsu?’
I saw a whirl of a pink dress, and Mira was suddenly by my side, squatting down so she was eye level with me. She grabbed my chin and gently turned my face towards her. Her soft blue eyes were sad, but despite the heartbreak she obviously felt she was smiling.
‘Natsu,’ she said. ‘To say you’re upset couldn’t even begin to describe it. But don’t you think Lucy would’ve wanted you to share what you thought about her with everyone? Don’t you think she deserves at least that.’
I stared at her for a moment, but she held my gaze. Then, slowly, I nodded.
‘Good,’ Mira sighed and stood. ‘It’ll get easier, Natsu, I promise.’
She leaned over me and kissed my forehead. It was a sisterly kiss, and left me with a sense of security. But it was still nothing compared to the feeling Lucy left me with. Ruffling my hair, she turned back to the others.
Happy stared up at me with a wobbling bottom lip. I felt my eyes sting and stood abruptly. Conversation in the hall hushed. I ignored everyone and walked out of the guild, letting the door swing shut behind me with an almighty bang.
The afternoon was warm and humid; another sign of the impending storm. Voices filled the air, chattering on as per usual; the city of Magnolia bustled on like normal. It sickened me. Didn’t it matter to any of these people that one of the kindest, most beautiful, talented, powerful mages in Fairy Tail was dead?
I stormed down the lane, angry at every citizen of this town. Their obliviousness made me sick. Pushing people out of my way, I retraced my steps back to Lucy’s apartment, leaving a trail of disgruntled citizens in my wake. I walked beside the canal that Lucy walked every day, feeling a pang in my heart with every step I took. A boat carrying two passengers floated by, they glanced over at me as they conversed in low, heavy tones.
I opened the door to the apartment complex and as immediately met by the landlady.
‘You’re back,’ she remarked.
I stared at her. She stared back, her hands planted firmly on her squat hips. Finally, she sighed and moved aside.
‘I cleaned the place up,’ the landlady said. ‘And cancelled this months rent. But if you’re moving in, you’ll be paying the full seventy thousand jewel next month, ya hear?’
I nodded and moved up past her. As she continued on out the door, I could swear she muttered, ‘Lucy, you dumb girl. How could you die on me like that?’
It never occurred to me that Lucy’s landlady may have grown fond of her over the years. I made a mental note to make sure she was invited to the funeral.
As I closed my fist around the knob of the door, I realized that I was actually using the door. Usually, whenever Lucy was home, I’d come in through the window. Although she screamed and yelled at me, there was always a bright light in her eyes that I loved to see.
My hand shook. I was never going to see that light again.
I opened the door.
Lucy’s familiar scent hit me full in the face, forcing me to take a step back. Without her, the room felt empty. On her desk, her celestial keys and her whip sat neatly in a pile, on top of her unfinished novel. Beside it, a stack of letters written to her mother and a diary I’d found tucked snug away in a drawer. I’d taken to reading it. It wasn’t as if I wanted to know all her secrets, but I was never going to hear her voice again. This was the last thing I had left of her.
I picked up the bound blue book and opened it to the page I’d read last. It was an entry written during the Grand Magic Games.
Dear Diary,
Today was tough going. I took part in a fight inside a giant water bubble! Even though I was up against Juvia, I still thought I had a shot, since I could use Aquarius. At first, I thought I was right; Juvia got knocked out along with most of the others. I made it all the way to second place! But then I was up against Minerva from Sabertooth. She accused me of being arrogant and said she was going to teach me a lesson. She stole my keys, my whip, and then beat me up pretty bad, even after the time was up. It was only thanks to Wendy and Cheria that I made it through at all.
I still believe in our team though. I’m in the infirmary now, but Natsu and Gajeel are out fighting Sabertooth’s dragon slayers, Sting and Rogue. I know they’ll win. Natsu promised me he’d win it. I believe in him. I always have. Natsu could never go down so easily. He’s so strong. He’d fight to the ends of the earth for Fairy Tail. I wish I was more like him, sometimes.
Well, here comes Wendy and Carla. I’ll write again soon, I promise.
Lucy Heartfilia.
Below her name, Lucy had drawn a small heart.
I stared at the words on the page; she’d believed in me. She’d called me strong. Something dropped on the paper and smeared her name. Alarmed, I quickly wiped my eyes and used my scarf to dry the page, but the damage had been done.
Frustrated, I threw the diary down on the desk. There was a rustle of paper and something folded dropped from the back of the book. It landed on the ground, facing up. My mouth widened as I read the familiar handwriting.
Natsu.
With trembling hands, I picked up the letter and unfolded it, terrified of what it would say. Nevertheless, I read Lucy’s last words to me.
Dear Natsu,
I guess if you’re reading this, it means something happened to me. I always figured you’d go through my diary one day. But if you did manage to find this, it’d be a safe bet to say that I’m not coming back.
I just wanted to tell you that whatever happened, wasn’t your fault. I know you too well, and whatever’s happened to me, you’ll probably hold it against yourself. But I don’t want you to. I want you to live on and make the most of your life. You’re a great wizard, Natsu, and some day, you’ll be the greatest. You’ll find Igneel again, and you’ll save the world even more times.
I always admired you, Natsu. I admired the strength you had, your determination, your stubbornness, and the way you cared about every member of Fairy Tail. I want to thank you for bringing me to Fairy Tail and giving me the time of my life.
You’ll become great. I believe in you. I’ll see you again one day. Goodbye, Natsu.
Love Lucy
By the end of the letter, my vision had blurred so much by the tears that I couldn’t see. I dropped the paper where it fluttered to a rest on the desk. Then, despite it being only midday, I stumbled over to the bed, crawled under the sheets, and cried myself to sleep.
Mira’s face greeted me the next morning. She shook me awake gently, her kindly eyes taking up my line of sight.
‘Natsu,’ she said. ‘You’ve been crying. Here.’
She pulled out a piece of cloth and wiped my eyes. Sitting up, I pushed her back, not rudely, but I needed my space. She sighed and sat down next to me on the bed as I stared out the window.
‘Natsu,’ Mira said my name gently, with genuine concern and sympathy. ‘Come on. Everyone needs help now and then. Let me help you.’
I looked back at her. She smiled at me and held out her hand. I hesitated, but eventually I took it and she helped me up. Nodding in satisfaction, she handed me a folded up black suit that I was evidently supposed to wear to the funeral, then turned around to wake up Happy.
‘Go change,’ she instructed. ‘Its already midmorning. We’ll be late if you don’t hurry. Happy, Happy, wake up.’
I watched Mira attempt to wake the sleepy blue Exceed. Her kindness touched me, but I just couldn’t bring myself to open up to anyone else. Not now. Not with Lucy gone.
I went into the bathroom and examined the suit. It was plain and simple with no decoration or fancy adornments. I clenched my scarf in one hand, thinking Lucy would want me to wear it. I changed clothes and looked at myself in the mirror. There were dark circles under my eyes, and my skin looked sickly pale. I suppose I hadn’t eaten much in the last week, and every night I had nightmares of Lucy.
I came out feeling strange. Mira had managed to wrestle Happy into a black tie that he wasn’t pleased with at all. He kept fiddling with it.
‘Ready?’ Mira asked.
I nodded. Happy spurted his wings and flew up to land on my shoulder.
‘Natsu,’ he sniffed. ‘I miss Lucy.’
I didn’t answer. As Wendy had predicted, a torrent of rain had started up. Mira extracted an umbrella and held it over our heads as we walked. We followed Mira out of the apartment and down the path to the Guild Hall where the funeral was being held.
Inside, chairs had been arranged in neat rows that were nearly all filled. Many of the chairs towards the back were filled with wizards from other guilds and people I didn’t know, but I supposed Lucy did. I saw a few familiar faces; Sherry, Yukino, Coco, and even Jellal and Meldy had turned up. The front rows were taken up by the Fairy Tail guild.
Mira led the way to a few spare seats in between Gray and Erza. The ice wizard was wearing something, for once; a suit similar to mine, without my addition of Igneel’s scarf. Erza had picked out a black dress with draping sleeves and matching heels. Both of them looked up solemnly as we sat down.
‘Hey, you doing okay?’ Gray asked, sounding honestly worried.
Staring forward, I shook my head. From the corner of my eye, I saw the him exchange a nervous glance with Erza. Mira broke into a quiet conversation with her siblings a few seats down.
My eyes wandered until they fell on a glass box sitting on the bar, which had been turned into a dias. When it clicked what lay inside, a cold fist closed around my heart and I felt all the blood drain from my body.
Lucy’s hair was precariously arranged in a complicated looking knot and patterned with white flowers. Someone had changed her into a long, silk white dress that was tied around the waist with a cream belt. her hands had been placed to lay on her stomach around a bouquet of white flowers.
She looked so peaceful in white, like an angel fallen from heaven, lost her wings along the way. If I hadn’t known better, I would’ve thought she was sleeping.
When Makarov stood to begin the ceremony, the hall quieted. I seemed to lose my hearing. I could see Makarov speaking, tears gathering and snot dripping as he tried to contain the sadness. I just stared at the glass coffin without really seeing it, until Gray elbowed me.
‘You’re up,’ he muttered under his breath. ‘I hope you had a speech ready.’
He gave me a shove and pushed me up to the front. I stumbled up to the dias with all eyes on me. Makarov was waiting, but he stepped aside when came closer.
‘Stage is all yours, Natsu,’ he grumbled sadly.
I stood there, staring at the girl behind the glass. How I wished she would open her eyes, laugh and exclaim that it was all one big practical joke. I realized that I hadn’t even thought about what I was going to say. But I found that, when I opened my mouth, I knew exactly what I was going to say.
‘Lucy,’ I croaked. ‘I met you entirely by accident. But that was the greatest accident I ever made. Without you, Fairy Tail would’ve been a very different place than it is today. You changed so many people for the better, and I’m sure everyone here is glad to have met you. I’m glad to have met you.’
I put my hand on the coffin lid. ‘You were my best friend, but when you needed me the most, I wasn’t there to save you. This is my fault. Its my fault you’re dead. I’m sorry, Lucy. I hope you’re listening. I hope you can forgive me.’
I turned and went back to my seat. Gray and Erza watched me carefully, but I ignored them. I had said what I had to say. Despite what Lucy told me in the letter, I knew that I could never absolve myself of that blame. If I had been paying attention, she would still be alive. That thought occupied my mind for the remainder of the ceremony, until I was called upon again to lead the procession to the church; to take Lucy away from Fairy Tail.