You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to ya
~~~
"You think he's okay?" Ryan was gripping Brendon's hand, not taking his off of the sleeping man.
"He's okay. He's strong," Spencer reassured Ryan.
"Does this happen often?" Ryan wanted to give Brendon a full medical checkup for his own peace of mind. Spencer felt guilt burning in his chest. Up till now, he was the only one this worried about Brendon. Now seeing how worked up someone else got, he wanted to at least explain why it was happening.
"No," he decided on. No matter his wishes, it was Brendon's decision to tell Ryan.
"Too bad this happened. I would've liked to see Brendon butcher a song," Ryan said to try to calm their uneasiness. Spencer let out a small laugh.
"Brendon butcher a song? I can't imagine that." Ryan finally looked away from his boyfriend to look at Spencer.
"What do you mean? He said he couldn't sing. Does he have some magical voice that I don't know about?" Spencer gave a sad smile, debating on telling Ryan the truth. I mean technically he was only told not to speak of the cancer.
"He used to." Ryan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.
"'Used to'?" Spencer gave a small nod.
"Music was his passion. Studied it for a couple years before dropping out of college. Ended up becoming a barista at some cafe that had open mic every Friday night. The owner would let him go up for his breaks. He always had the place packed with people waiting to see the boy with the angel voice and guitar." Spencer smiled at the memory. He turned to Ryan who was listening intently, curious to know more.
"He never told you?" Ryan shook his head.
"He's told me about being a barista and that being his last job, but he never talked about music. I wouldn't have guessed."
"He was really good. Caught the eye of some record label recruiter."
"Really?" Even without hearing about this before, Ryan felt excited about that. The thought came quickly to his head that Brendon didn't do anything about it seeing that he wasn't still doing music. "What happened? If he loved music that much, why wouldn't he continue doing it?" Spencer let out a sigh, eyes brimming with tears.
"He was going to. He really wanted to but something happened. One day, he was practicing and his throat started bugging him. I told him he should get it looked at but he was determined to get signed by a label. He was overworking himself and then he just couldn't take the pain anymore," Spencer squeezed his hands over his knees, remembering how powerless he felt at the time.
"Doctor told him he had swollen lymph nodes and got them removed. When he recovered, he realized he lost a good majority of his higher vocal range. He only got more and more frustrated trying to sing like he used to, but it was pointless. The surgery took away his passion. He lost his chance for a record deal and hasn't sung since."
Spencer shut his eyes, pushing away the memories of discovering his illness because of his nodes. From the moment Brendon had that funny feeling in this throat, everything seemed to get harder for him. Even now, Spencer knew that Brendon was getting worse. The man's appetite was getting smaller even if he tried to hide it. He was gradually losing more energy, eventually everyone will notice how much more tired he's getting. It left Spencer on edge, waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
"I wish I could've seen it." Spencer looked over at Ryan. The man watched Brendon with soft caring eyes, stroking the back of his boyfriend's hand with his thumb.
"See what?"
"Him on stage or even just him sing for anything, in the car, the shower, his room, anything. The time I've spent with him, I know he enjoys a lot of things, but I haven't seen anything that he's been passionate about. I'm sure that would've been nice to see." Spencer felt pity for Ryan. Him and Brendon were so good together. It's unfortunate that they only just found each other.
"I have videos." Ryan perked up at the comment. He turned to Spencer, silently questioning. "They're on my laptop at home, but I can send them to you if you want?" Before Spencer actually finished his question, Ryan was nodding fast enough to make someone's neck hurt. Spencer let out a small laugh at the man's enthusiasm. "I'll email what I got when I get home."
"Thank you." He looked down at Brendon, curious as to why he never told him. Maybe he still wasn't over the fact that he had to give up on his dream. A brief thought about Jon insinuating that Brendon was keeping something from him came to mind. If he was hiding something, maybe it was too painful for him to want to share for now.
If that was the case, Ryan would give him all the time he needed. He wasn't going to push him to sharing his past. There was a gnawing feeling eating at him, making him even more curious about the unknown parts of Brendon's life. The man was very good at keeping himself just open enough to look fine but closing off the darker parts about himself.
"So it doesn't look like there's anything wrong," Jon shared as he came into the room. Ryan gave the doctor all of his attention.
"Why'd he pass out then?" Jon gave Spencer a side look before sighing.
"He's dehydrated and with how much he was drinking. He was probably overworking his body."
"He only had a few beers." Jon shrugged.
"I guess he doesn't drink regularly enough for his body to be used to the amount he had." Ryan turned to Spencer. Surely the best friend would known how much Brendon drinks.
"Uh, he's not a big drinker. He avoids alcohol as much as possible, usually drinks soda when we go out. This is the most he's had in almost two years." Jon nodded at the response and shrugged at Ryan as if to say 'there you go'.
"So why is he still unconscious?" Jon was ready to through the nervous boyfriend out the window, tired of discussing Brendon's condition.
"Ryan, did you forget that you went to medical school too? Brendon is fine. I'm sure you'd figure out what was with him if you thought something was really wrong." Ryan nodded reluctantly, knowing his friend was right. Brendon should be up any minute now and then they could go home.
"Hey Ryan, could you go to the cafeteria and get some coffee? I'm sure Brendon's gonna feel like it's morning when he wakes up and he can't function without coffee," Spencer suggested. Ryan nodded, getting to his feet. He gave Brendon a kiss on the forehead before rushing out. The two friends waited for Ryan to be out of earshot before talking.
"How often does this happen," Jon asked.
"He's been collapsing a lot recently but never losing consciousness. It's like every time it takes more and more of his energy away."
"What was his prognosis?"
"Two years," Spencer answered, his voice getting wearing with each question.
"How long has it been?" Spencer thought for a moment, dread filling him more and more. "About a year and nine months. He's getting tired fast and sometimes gets so dizzy he'll throw up. His symptoms haven't been too bad, so I thought he was fine for now." Jon felt sorry for Spencer. It was Brendon who was refusing treatment, but Spencer was the one who was suffering and would continue his pain when the man was gone.
"Spence," he started until Brendon groaned in bed. He blinked at the florescent lights.
"How are you feeling?" Brendon squinted up to Jon then around the room. When he realized he was at the hospital, he let out a tired sigh. He frowned at Spencer who rose his hands in surrender.
"Ryan insisted we brought you here. Good thing too. You've been out for a couple hours."
"How are you feeling," Jon repeated coldly.
"I have a headache." Brendon leaned back in the bed, figuring it was his cancer making him feel shitty.
"Maybe don't drink so much when you know you body's too weak to handle it." Brendon grimaced at the harsh tone, but he didn't really expect Jon to act any other way with him. "You're cell count is decreasing quickly, so you'll only experience more frequent episodes and more difficulty recovering from here on out." Brendon nodded, not knowing what else to say. "It's not too late." Brendon shook his head, knowing what the doctor was implying.
"Bren, maybe you should think about it again," Spencer suggested softly.
"No," his voice stern.
"You're dying and you don't care?" Jon felt himself getting angry again. "What about everyone else, everyone you're leaving behind." Brendon clenched the bedsheets, keeping quiet. "You're a selfish prick. How could you do that to your best friend, to your clueless boyfriend. How do you think they're gonna feel when you're not here anymore?"
"I said no. This is not your decision, it's mine. You don't get to guilt trip me into changing my mind. It's my choice and I'm saying no."
"No to what?" The three turned to see Ryan holding a to-go cup. Ryan's eyes lit up when he saw Brendon awake. He moved quickly to his bedside and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. Brendon gave Spencer a curious look when he was handed the coffee.
"Spencer told me this would help you when you woke up." Brendon nodded, going along with the lie.
"Thanks babe." He took a sip and smiled up at his boyfriend.
"What were you saying 'no' to?" Ryan repeated. Brendon took a deep breath to keep his heart from beating so fast.
"Jon wanted me to stay overnight, but I feel fine so I said no," he lied.
"Do you really think he should stay?" All attention shifted to the doctor. Jon wanted to scold Brendon, but decided to follow the wishes of his patient.
"No, I don't. I just thought you'd want that."
"If you think everything will be okay, I don't see why I can't take him home." Jon gave a forced smile and nodded.
"I'll get his discharge papers ready then." He left the room, radiating irritation. Ryan turned to Brendon, brushing off Jon's attitude.
"Are you sure you're okay to go home?" Brendon clutched his hand and nodded.
"I'm okay." Ryan nodded and gave the man a quick kiss.
"Then let's get you home."