*A/N: WARNING some graphic detail and dark themes*
You were screaming for them to notice you. The real you still inside. How could they not see?
***4 DAYS Earlier ***
You woke up feeling tight arms around you as you hummed in content trying to snuggle in closer to the warmth. As you tried to move you realized... you couldn't. Suddenly you felt like you couldn't breathe as you desperately tried to open your eyes, move your finger, or say anything but nothing worked. You were panicking, trying to make sense of where you were or what had happened when suddenly your eyes flickered open revealing that you were in your room. You suddenly remembered the hunt you had been on, with Cas talking about a Pagan God and a red van, but then nothing. You couldn't remember what happened once you got out of the car to go on your walk. You were confused and suddenly flipped over to look at Dean. Normally this would be an enjoyable moment, seeing Dean in the morning sunlight with his crazy bed head and gorgeous freckled face. It was always the most relaxing part of your day, but at this moment it was anything but that. Instead, it was anxiety-filled and caused panic to race through you. You were not controlling your own body.
You felt yourself move to kiss Dean on the cheek and saw as he opened his beautiful green eyes smirking at you. "Good morning beautiful" he sleepily slurred.
"Morning" you felt yourself say as a smile spread across your face.
"What are our plans for today?" He asked running a hand down his face.
"I was thinking about some quality time between you and me, this bed, optional clothes"
You felt like throwing up. WHAT THE FUCK? NO THIS IS WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS
He chuckled pulling 'you' into a kiss. "That can be arranged," he said with a smirk and you felt yourself giggle. "But first breakfast"
You got out of bed and felt yourself put on some comfy clothes before heading upstairs with Dean.
"Morning you two" Bobby said from the table. "you got in pretty early this morning. How did the hunt go?"
"Good," Dean says. "Where is Sam?"
"Shower," Bobby says turning back to his newspaper.
You felt sick, like throwing up, and you knew if you could actually scream you would be horse by now. You were fighting for anyone to notice you were not you. You felt like they should be able to sense a change. That they should be able to tell that this was not you, but to no avail. Didn't they know you? The real you?
***
You felt exhausted and blacked out a couple of times during the day. One minute you were listening to yourself talk with Sam about possible hunts he had found, and the next you were in the car with Dean heading somewhere. You had no clue how much time had passed or what was going on but you fought to have someone notice something, anything.
You saw that you arrived at some burger joint that you and Dean frequented for midnight pie runs but it wasn't dark enough to be midnight so you figured Dean was taking 'you' out for dinner. You were angry he didn't realize after all day of who knows what, that it wasn't you.
Maybe they will never notice. Immediately you felt your stomach drop at the realization. What if you were trapped like this forever?
You watched as they shared laughs and talked about Dean's childhood a little, and when the food came you felt yourself become desperately hungry. These were some of your favorite burgers and you were looking forward to (at the very least) be able to enjoy the savory taste, however that chance didn't come. In fact 'you' mainly ate the fries and the shake Dean had ordered.
"You alright y/n? You haven't even touched your burger" Dean stated looking at you worriedly. "Normally its the very first thing you stuff into your mouth"
You suddenly felt a spark of hope. Maybe this was the moment he would recognize this wasn't you.
"I don't really feel that hungry actually" you state, and Dean gives you a questioning look but shrugs it off returning to some random story about his dad. Normally you loved hearing his stories but at this moment you wanted nothing more than for him to shut up and pay attention to you. The REAL you. Didn't he know you well enough to see something was wrong? But soon you blacked out.
***
You woke up to yourself walking out of some motel room, you noticed the room number as 227 and recognized it as the Red Beard- Some wacky pirate-themed motel you happened to stay in once a couple of years ago - 3 towns outside of Bobby's. You watched as you hoped into a junk car Bobby had around back and started making your way towards Bobby's. As you drove you tried to make sense of where you or what you were doing. You noticed it was almost 4 am and you had blood on your hands. As you desperately tried to focus on any other details you saw as you glanced over that your phone lit up with a notification of 2 missed calls and 3 text messages from Dean.
"Don't worry y/n" you heard yourself say. "This will all be over in a couple of days. My biennial cycle is almost over and you will be my last sacrifice." You felt your throat hitch not understanding what was going on and then you heard yourself chuckle. "Y/n I am the Pagan God you were hunting. And let me tell you, you are one of the best body choices yet! So many different weapons, access to vehicles, heck I even get to have some fun with your little boy toy. He doesn't even realize he has spent the day with a GOD!" You felt your anger rise within you again as you fought to take over some control of your body.
You hear yourself tisk. "Now now y/n. It's no good. I suggest you try to enjoy this time with me. I mean, we can do whatever we want! Aren't you tired of this Dean fella and the grumpy old man you live with? Dean doesn't shut up! I have had to listen all day to him talk about random crap. His brother is a little more interesting, more intelligent, better looking. Maybe we can get into some of that action" you felt yourself smirk. At this point, your blood was boiling.
"Don't worry. You won't have to deal with the repercussions. We only have 4 more days left together. Then you will be free" and with that, you passed out again.
***
You woke up to see yourself standing in front of Dean. It was light outside and you were in the kitchen so figured it was at least the next morning. Dean had a hurt expression on his face as he stared at you dumbfounded. "Friends with benefits?" he stated and you felt your heartbreak. "Really y/n? What we have means that little to you?" he scoffed.
"Actually" you felt yourself say with a little shrug "I would say it basically means nothing to me".
Your heart panged with hurt. You couldn't believe you heard yourself say that. He was your best friend, you confidant, and was slowly becoming your whole world. You felt your feelings grow for him daily. The more you learned about him the more you realized that you were head over heels in love with him.
He looked so hurt. So betrayed, and you saw tears well up behind his eyes and you wanted nothing more than to take it all back, to tell him this wasn't you, and you tried so hard to yell to scream to fight, but it didn't work.
"You don't mean that" Dean manages to get out, holding back his tears.
You didn't say anything.
"Well this 'nothing'... it meant everything to me," he said angrily, tears finally fully welling up in his eyes. He marches away slamming the backdoor behind him when you suddenly notice Sam in the room. He looks at you with so much pain and rage, before standing up while glaring at you and following his brother outside.
You felt your heart shatter into a million pieces as a smirk grew upon your face... did they not know how much they meant to you? Could they not notice this wasn't you? Did they even know you? And suddenly it all was dark once again.
***
You found yourself in the front room sitting at Bobby's desk when he comes in.
"y/n we need to talk"
You look at the clock on the wall seeing as it was almost midnight and then turn your attention back to Bobby, and feel yourself gesture for him to sit down.
"Sam and Dean left yesterday and you still haven't called them to apologize" he starts and you could tell he was biting his tongue, trying to first talk some sense into you rather than beating it.
"Why would I apologize for telling the truth?" you hear yourself spit at him.
"The truth?! Y/n I don't know what the hell has gotten into you but I know that what you told them was not the truth. Whatever weirdo hormonal crap you got going on between being bitchy and just downright arrogant, you gotta fix"
You felt yourself scoff with a smirk "Can't you believe that I finally realized that they were just annoying luggage to carry? Between all their daddy issues and annoying arguments, I couldn't take it anymore so I told them what I thought. What I had been thinking for a while now"
Bobby looked straight into your face and was about to say something when you interrupted "I'm going out for a drink. Don't expect me back till early"
You saw the anger he had but he didn't say anything. You felt so guilty. You knew this wasn't your fault but it sure felt like it. You reached the closest bar and felt yourself drink pretty heavily but surprisingly didn't feel the buzz. Soon enough 'you' had caught a handsome looking pervert who was expecting a one night stand which 'you' took him up on. Leaving the bar, you saw him motion toward his truck but you grabbed his arm and pulled him towards your own and he got in without a fight. You focused more on seeing where you were going than the conversation going on in the front seat and realized you were headed to a motel nearby.
Once you stopped the car and went inside the motel room and sat on the bed, you turned to look at the man beside you. He was about your age, jet black hair, funky mustache, definitely not your type but as soon as you started looking at him you felt yourself jab your hand into his stomach pulling out his liver. You watched as the life faded from his eyes and proceeded to throw it onto the floor.
"Glad you can join me this time y/n," the Pagan God says. "Don't worry we don't eat him. Rather we just perform the killing. It is efficient for sacrifice. People used to throw themselves at me every time I came around. Practically begging for me to use them. But now I have to do everything for myself and no one even readily volunteers." She complains "No wonder you society has fallen into so much sin"
You fight to take control but it doesn't do any good... eventually, you feel yourself dragging the body out to the car and driving off into the middle of some woods where you dump it and drive home.
Pulling up you notice baby once again in the driveway and lights on in the living room. You could feel the pagan God getting annoyed but all you could do was be grateful they had come back.
As 'you' walk in their conversation stops as Bobby, Sam, Dean, and Cas all look at you with anger and bitterness in their eyes, and you felt your heart ache once again.
You watch as Cas squints his eyes at you tilting his head a little bit. CAS PLEASE NOTICE ME. You can tell he senses something by just the way he is looking at you and you hold your breath waiting for him to say something.
"Y/n, you have all the ingredients?" He says in a matter of fact tone.
"Y-yes" you hear yourself stutter. She can tell what he is.
"Won't you give them to me? I will deliver them to Crowley" he says putting out his hand.
You just stare. Obviously the creature inside you didn't know what he was fully talking about and it made 'you' nervous.
"They are.. just downstairs" you hear yourself squeak out before dashing for the stairs, but Cas grabs you and throws you against the wall.
"Your not y/n" Cas says in a dark gruff voice, staring knives into you. If you knew this wasn't for them to rescue you, you would have been very afraid. You had never seen this side of Cas. He seemed out of sorts and not quite himself. This wasn't him being protective, he didn't even really know you. It was something else. You could tell, because as he was staring at you, and 'you' were staring right back. you could see he was nervous. That he was distraught. That he had something other than saving you on his mind.
He suddenly pulls out a knife and placed it on your arm. He slowly pulls through the skin, cutting deep and wide into your forearm causing both you and the Pagan God to scream.
"Cas! Stop! Y/n is still in there!" You hear Dean yell.
And Cas does, while gently pulling off the skin necessary for the spell.
He lets 'you' down and turns around to Dean, Bobby, and Sam who are staring at him wide-eyed and flickering between watching you and him.
"You can save y/n. Here is the poison that will kill the Pagan God, you just need to make sure once she dies you give y/n this antidote" cas says harshly as he hands dean a couple of vials.
You felt yourself slowly inching for the doorway but Cas reached back without even turning his head, grabbing you by the jacket and throwing you in the ground next to him. You look up at him while on your knees and you can tell 'you' are scared.
"Where are you going?" Sam asks.
"I am taking the ingredients to Crowley now that we have all of the correct ones" he says glaring down at you.
"Are you sure that is a good idea?" Sam asks but Cas leaves without saying another word and they all turn their attention to 'you'.
***
Your eyes flutter open to see yourself once more in your bed. You felt like hell, well not really but you get the picture. Your head was pounding and you were so thirsty. You felt like all your limbs were heavy and your heart ached thinking of everything you must have done while not being, well, you.
You suddenly realize there is pressure on your hand and you turn your head ever so slightly to see Dean asleep. He had pulled a chair up and was laying his head in his arms, holding onto your hand. It made a small smile come to your lips but you couldn't help but feel a little angry, a little upset, a little hurt, and over all guilty. It wasn't you that said those things but you couldn't help but feel partially responsible for the grief you had put him in, but on the other hand you were completely wrecked knowing that he didn't really know you. None of them did. Between the not eating your burger and no pie, not actively searching for a case, and all the nasty attitude... you were upset. And rightfully so.
You felt like trust had been broken. How could you trust them if they can't even distinguish who you are. It took Cas for them to realize it wasn't you, and it broke your heart... how could things ever be the same?