The training camp had finished a few days prior. It was a chilly Tuesday afternoon when Hinata found himself cycling to the same tiny, grocery store. He wondered how many more days he had to work before his debt was paid off. Hinata missed passing the ball against the wall of his house and trying to teach Natsu how to bump. He sighed and continued peddled, feeling the cold hair hit his face with each sharp turn of a corner.
The doorbell chimed it's familiar but annoying song as Hinata entered. He saw that Nishinoya was already there, sitting at the top of a ladder. He was trying to hang up some sort of poster that advertised a new brand of instant noodles.
"Hi, Shouyou!" Nishinoya gave him a cheeky grin from the top. It seemed like the coldness from the training camp had finally faded away. After the camp, Hinata noticed he rarely saw his upperclassman around school. Despite trying to look for him, he only managed to catch him a few times at trainings. Even then, he was quickly dismissed as the other second years crowded him as usual. Hinata felt like he shouldn't disturb them, since they looked like they were having fun. Though, it was sad since he felt like he was missing out.
Nishinoya hummed from the ladder. Since the training camp he had tried to organise his thoughts and process what Hinata had told him. He wasn't sure what to do. It would be too weird to just spill his feelings out too quickly because that would make things awkward and uncomfortable. He reckoned he would just let Hinata breathe for a few days to calm down from such a huge confession. In all honestly, Nishinoya just didn't know how to process his own feelings; making excuses not to see Hinata just so he wouldn't embarrass himself anymore. He pinned the final corner of the vinyl banner to the ceiling.
-
Hinata felt lonely during those days, resulting in him returning to eating his lunches with the silent Kageyama. He tried to ask Kageyama for advice, but his friend just seemed as useless as his own brain. The tangerine didn't know why he expected Kageyama to understand; it was more likely that he would bully or tease him for having girly feelings. Kageyama also had never had a girlfriend or anything of that sort, Hinata wasn't even sure he talked to girls period.
Everyday, he would see the other boy walk to their school along the path that followed the road he biked down every morning. He still had the same earphones in that they shared that one morning, probably still listening to the same music. Hinata would purse his lips, wanting to stop and talk to him but then he'd always hesitate and cycle away. He would look back to try to catch Nishinoya's gaze, which was usually directed at the screen of his phone or the bricked footpath.
Hinata wondered if the other boy even noticed him passing by, surely, he did as it used to be tradition to wave good morning as the two passed each other. It made him feel usually lonely, despite always hanging around his friends. Without Nishinoya, there was a gap in their group, a hole in his heart which could only be filled by him. By this point, Hinata knew he had feelings for his upperclassman but the chances of the feelings being mutual were impossible. Hinata had already insulted Nishinoya during the training camp, he knew the other boy probably didn't even want to talk to him ever again.
The thought hurt him more than it should, even though he apologised. He wanted to talk to Nishinoya again, but the fear of rejection crept up his spine and gripped his heart, it already hurt enough to be ignored.
There was an innate, subconscious fear of losing his friendship with the other boy. There had been so many times Hinata had confessed to his female friends, causing their friendship to fizzle out with awkwardness. There was no way he'd risk losing his close connection with Nishinoya for something as petty as his feelings. He had to focus on volleyball, these things could wait even if they hurt like nothing he had felt before.
-
Hinata went to put his helmet behind the counter, taking the usual apron from its hook. Coach Ukai was sitting over in his usual spot, a black hoodie on instead of his regular pale orange. He had the same irritated face. "Hinata, you can go clean out the pork bun oven, it's getting all grimy and gross." The older man pointed at the tiny cube oven where the buns where usually cooked and warmed. "It just needs to be wiped down and cleaned. Then you can help Nishinoya hang the banners around and outside the store." Hearing his name out loud felt strange, like a prick in his heart.
Hinata nodded and opened the oven, taking over the empty metal wire racks. He sprayed the inside with the same horrible artificial apple disinfectant from the other day. It wiped clean easier than he imagined and he went to dry the inside glass with a clean cloth. After the minor cleaning job, he walked over to where Nishinoya was still seated, he was still up on the ladder; this time texting on his phone instead of working.
"Hi..." Hinata spoke up, awkwardly. He caught the attention of Nishinoya who looked up from his screen, his smile fell from his face. "Hi." His reply was just as quiet. Hinata remembered how he had told Nishinoya that he liked boys. A weird tight feeling grew in the pit of his stomach, he hoped it wasn't the reason why Nishinoya was ignoring him. The older boy just looked down from his spot on the ladder, waiting for him to continue talking.
"About yesterday... I'm sorry if I made things weird, I don't know why you're ignoring me..." Hinata licked his lips, trying to meet Nishinoya's eyes that remained glued to his hands. Nishinoya gritted his teeth. He didn't say anything. The emotions that he tried to repress began to swell up in his chest again.
Ignored, again Hinata thought. It stung more than before. He swallowed hard, fighting the words that flooded his mouth that threatened to spill out.
"I- don't understand. I told you everything, are you still mad about what I said on Saturday?" His voice began to grow impatient.
"Why can't you say anything? Anything at all?" Hinata's voice cracked. Nishinoya just looked away and put his phone back in his pocket. He grabbed the posters from the top of the shelf and climbed down the steps, walking away from Hinata. The posters dropped into a pile below the counter and he tugged off the dusty, white apron. Ukai looked up from his magazine, curious. "Oi, where are you going?" He called out to Nishinoya who stormed out of the store without another word.
"Wait! Yuu!" Hinata rushed after him, hesitating for a moment before walking out the door as Ukai called out for them to come back. He caught up with the other boy, grabbing onto his shoulder and stopping him in his path. Hinata pulled him back, facing his fear and looked at him dead in the eyes. Hinata was taken back by what he saw, flinching slighty.
Nishinoya's eyes were soft with a tinge of sadness and weakness, it almost seemed like he could cry. Hinata had never seen such raw emotion. Only for a moment before they grew hard and his brows lowered. Hinata stood back and let go.
"What don't you understand? Why do you keep telling me all these things?" Nishinoya's words were quiet, he didn't break their locked gaze. He sighed and blinked, looking away.
"What...?" This was the only thing Hinata was able to muster up in his confusion. Nishinoya kicked the ground with his feet. "I can't do this! I don't know what you're trying to do but you need to stop playing with me!" The older boy shouted and showed his teeth in turmoil, he groaned getting irritated.
Hinata didn't know what to say, he just froze. His eyes widened at the sudden burst of anger. Nishinoya grabbed his own hair, groaning in frustration and shaking his head.
"I can't lose everything..." His hard voice wavered in anguish, and he grabbed onto Hinata's shoulders.
"I- I wish I was like you; I wish I could understand how I felt and that everything would be okay. But..." His head fell as his eyes dropped to the ground, welling up with tears of anger and pain mixed. He laughed quietly as tears threatened to fall.
"I don't understand..." Hinata whispered so quietly it was almost inaudible.
"What don't you understand?!?" Nishinoya shook his head again and shouted at the ground, his grip growing tighter on Hinata's body. He didn't let the other respond.
"Why do you think I said those things when we were looking at that magazine or why I made you the playlist or why I'm even working here with you???" He choked out. "It's not for the shits and giggles or because I'm bored. It's because I wanted to, it's because I feel some sort of way for you."
"And, when you told me you felt different for boys...I was almost happy and ecstatic, I imagined us being together, being happy and having fun but then all I could feel was this...feeling of...dread and fear."
"There, I'll say it...I'm scared, Shoyou....I'm so scared...."
Tears began to pool in his eyes.
"I'm so scared of losing everything, Shouyou...I'm so scared of losing you, Tanaka, my friends, my family. And I hate it..." His teeth grinded together, his body shaking with emotion.
"I don't want to lose you...or anything, I want things to be the same. But I'm scared if I say or do anything, I'll end up hurting everyone and I could never live with that. Especially, if I hurt you..." His sentence dropped off as he searched for the right words. A tear rolled down his hot cheek and hit the pavement.
"It hurts, every night I feel the same thing. I wish it was just a passing thing but every time I see you, it just comes back. You make me feel warm and happy and it's one of the reasons I come to school every day. Just to see you!! I get excited and shit!" His voice was a hoarse whisper, shaking with pain.
"I don't know what I'm feeling anymore...but I just want things to be the same...I don't care if you don't feel the same, I just like things how they are...and...I wouldn't do anything to not lose it"
Nishinoya's fist clenched together and his knuckles whitened. He didn't say anymore. Hinata just looked down as the tears fell from the other boy's eyes, dripping onto his black school shoes. He inhaled a sharp breath.
Hinata finally grew the courage to speak even though his voice shook with nerves. "So, you're only here because you wanted to spend more time with me...? Because you had feelings for me?"
It felt strange saying these things out loud. Hinata was supposed to feel happy that they shared mutual feelings but seeing Nishinoya destroyed by his own emotions felt wrong. He wasn't happy either.
"I should be happy that our feelings are the same but, I can't see you like this..." he replied honestly, even thought it hurt him to do so.
Nishinoya let go of Hinata's shoulder, slowing his breathing. His face was red with sadness, his eyes soaked with his own tears. He quickly rubbed his eyes hard with the sleeve of his jacket/ leaving a wet spot on his clothes.
"You don't need to do anything, it would be easier if everything stayed how it was now." Nishinoya finally spoke again, with the same coldness from the camp. His face lingered with a disappointment. Hinata knew that wasn't what he truly wanted.
"But-"
Nishinoya interrupted him. "I need time, I'll talk to you later. Okay?" He tried to force his usual smile, pretending that he just didn't pour his heart out. Hinata watched as the other boy walked away, he wanted to reach out and stopped him, but his body was frozen. It was all too much to take in. He'd never seen Nishinoya cry, let alone be so emotional before. So, Hinata just stood on the pavement, clenching his hands together. Everything just passed by and continued as the boy stood still, as if time had just frozen.
He just watched Nishinoya walk away, down the road he came from. He just stared at him until he completely disappointed from his sight. What could he do?
Hinata pushed his bangs out of his hair, exhaling. It was overwhelming and he didn't know if he should be excited or disappointed. He decided to see what would happen over the next few days. Part of him was dismayed, wishing it didn't have to be so difficult. At times, he wished he was a girl, so no one would judge him, and he would just be free. Everything was so difficult, he wished he too, didn't have to feel these feelings. It hurt him to admit it, but it just made things hurt so much more. He wished he didn't have emotions and he wished he was born in a different time.
-
Hinata walked back into the store, brushing off confused questions from Coach Ukai. He picked up the posters that Nishinoya had dumped onto the ground and finished his job of hanging them up. He told Ukai that Nishinoya just felt ill and that he was going to finish his work for him. Ukai just nodded, not believing that was the full truth. He saw the look in Nishinoya's eyes that he caught for only a split second. They were filled with turmoil and anger, a dark look he only saw in himself when he was truly and utterly defeated.
Hinata just returned to his chores, pinning up posters in a daze. The store felt completely empty without Nishinoya, despite the constantly customers that would come in and out its doors.
He was lost in his own thoughts, trying to understand the massive load of emotions that were burned onto him. The look of total sadness in Nishinoya's warm, brown eyes would forever scar him. He would rather die then see the same thing again. He hoped the other boy would come back to him, part of him craved the warm smile and cheer he always carried around. But he remembered what Nishinoya had blurted out. Hinata wondered if they continued, what would happened? What did he mean about losing everything? Hinata knew he wouldn't see the other boy any different but how would the team react if they would ever find out? Would they look away in disgust? The realisation made Hinata anxious, he chewed his bottom lip. He started to understand why Nishinoya was so afraid. He too, wanted things to remain the same.