Trigger Warning: Self-harm
As Mira makes her way towards us, it feels like my world shuts down. Maraming pumapasok sa isip ko. I don't remember giving it to her... I don't even know if I show it to her! Her lips rose as our friends flooded her with compliments and praises. I hope it's just a coincidence... even though that dress was a limited edition.
"You look stiff, Achi," Joaquin uttered from my behind.
I shook my head, trying to erase all my unwanted thoughts. Lumingon ako sa kanya at nginitian sya. I shouldn't think ill of Mira. She's one of my most treasured friends.
"Ganda ng dress, Mira!" bati ni Vina sa kanya nang tuluyan syang makalapit sa amin.
She smiled shyly. "T-thank you."
I did my best to not think of anything. Binati ko lang din ang babae bago napagdesisyonang umalis sa dance floor at lumapit na lang ulit kay Troy. Hindi pa man ako tuluyang nakakaupo ay madiin na ang tingin na iginawad nya sa akin. It's as if he's trying to read my mind.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
Tumango lang ako at umupo sa tabi nya. Hindi rin sya umimik. Pinanood naming dalawa ang mga kaibigan kong nagsasayawan sa gitna ng dance floor. My mind is tangled with thoughts. I was sure it was my dress! Bakit nasa kanya?
I'm not sure how that night ended. Ang alam ko lang ay inihatid na ako ni Troy sa amin nang mag-alas onse kahit ang plano ko ay madaling araw na uuwi. I was giving him silent treatment and he was really confused and sad. Ni hindi ko na naipaliwanag na hindi ako sa kanya galit dahil masyadong magulo ang utak ko.
Why am I so good at overthinking?! Hindi naman ako para pagnakawan ni Mira! Isa pa, hindi naman sya pumupunta sa bahay namin kaya imposibleng makuha nya 'yon. I don't know... I just have this gut feeling that it's mine.
The next days were painfully slow for me. My parents were arguing all the fucking time to the point that I am becoming their stress absorber. Tuwing nagtatalo sila ay kung ano-ano ang sinasabi sa akin ni Mama. Sinasalo ko ang lahat dahil wala akong magawa.
Displacement.
She's giving her negative emotions on a less threatening and weaker object who happens to be me.
"Walang wala ka talaga sa ate mo! Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangang kagaya mo pa ang maging anak ko! You bring nothing but disgrace to this family!"
That's her words when my research paper failed to accomplish the best research award. In-announce 'yon matapos mismo ang pasko... and I guess that's her gift to me. My grades were also given virtually. Dean's lister pa rin naman ako at mataas ang average ko pero ang napansin nya pa rin ay ang hindi ko nakuha.
Madalas akong padalhan ng message ni Troy pero hindi ako makapag-reply nang maayos. I just can't talk to anyone. I feel like I wanted to isolate myself... to think and reflect. My father isn't always at home kaya madalas ay si Mama ang kasama ko... and it isn't good. Her words are leaving scars to my already tainted heart.
"Y-you!" sigaw nya. "Where's my phone?!"
"Hindi ko alam, Ma," I answered, getting tired of all that's happening.
She didn't believe me. Mula sa pintuan ng kwarto ko ay pumasok sya. Her footsteps were ticking harshly against the floor. Mabilis ang ginawa nyang pagkakalat sa mga damit ko, gaya ng lagi nyang ginagawa. I heard how some of the hangers cracked. Hindi pa nakuntento at miski ang lampshade sa study table ko ay walang habas nyang ibinato.
I wasn't able to utter a word. I just can't.
"I regret giving birth to you! I regret marrying your goddamm father! I regret having this family! Mga putangina nyo!"
I didn't know what to do. Malakas ang boses nya na at sigurado akong narinig iyon ng mga kapitbahay. To satisfy herself more, she went near me and give me an excruciating slap before leaving my room.
Those were just one of the days. Sa loob ng buong Christmas break, I locked myself in my room, scared of the thought of them. Little did she know, I regret living, too. I regret being born in this family, too.
It was the day before new year when I've decided to at least greet my friends. I activated my social media accounts and call them one by one. Inuna kong tawagan si Vina at Mira bago ang mga kasamahan ko sa red cross. Tinawagan ko rin ang mga kaibigan ko noong highschool.
My unwanted thoughts about Mira completely vanished. Hindi ko dapat pag-isipan nang ganoon ang kaibigan. Siguro ay binili nya 'yon o ano... hindi lang naman ako ang may kakayanan na bilihin ang dress na 'yon.
When I was about to call Troy at 11:45 pm, his name appeared on my screen. Unang ring pa lang tuloy ay nasagot ko na agad ang tawag.
"Hi," he said softly. "Sinong kausap mo at ang tagal kitang hindi matawagan?"
I smiled, feeling at peace with his voice. This is our first voice call after the party. Hindi ako madalas sumagot ng tawag. Hindi ko rin sya madalas i-text. I'm so busy dealing with all my bullshit... ni hindi ko naisip na inaantay nya ako.
"Tinawagan ko ang mga kaibigan ko," I replied.
Narinig ko ang pagbuntong-hininga nya. "I miss you," he said using his controlled voice.
I gasped. I missed him, too, but I can't say it. Not when my thoughts were tangled.
"I can't wait to see you again," he added before letting out a deep sigh.
Wala akong ideya kung anong nangyari sa kanya. Kahit kasi noong pasko, hindi ko kayang sumagot ng tawag. I have no idea what to do with this feeling anymore. I want to crash and destroy it all in one but I cannot kill something that isn't alive... yet something that's not alive can kill me. My reality is harsh but my mind is a lot harsher.
Psychology major people weren't called the wounded healers for nothing. We're so good at absorbing all the negativity the world has given us but we, ourselves, are dripping with blood and sweats.
I want to become a psychologist but how can I help others when I can't even help myself? How can I give something I do not have?
"Happy new year, Troy," saad ko nang saktong mag-alas dose.
"Happy new year, baby..." he chuckled. "I feel like I started my year right."
The happiness I've felt through our phone call lasts only for a short time. Nakarinig ako ng ingay mula sa sala namin at napagtanto kong sina Mama at Papa na naman 'yon. Mula sa kama ay sumilip ako sa pintuan ng kwarto ko. My mother is holding a massive luggage habang nagsasagutan sila ni Papa.
I felt nothing. Dahan-dahan kong isinarado ang pinto at bumalik sa kama ko. Rinig ko ang pagkabasag ng kung ano sa baba pero isinandal ko lang ang ulo ko sa headboard ng kama. Is this their way of celebrating?
"Maghiwalay na tayo, Renato! I can't stand the mere sight of you and your worthless daughter!" malakas na sigaw ni Mama.
I closed my eyes tightly. What did I do this time?
Naging sunod-sunod ang ingay sa baba. Mga pagkabasag, pagkahulog, lagabog. I peeped through the window of my room. While other families are making noise by lighting up the fireworks, my parents were hitting each other with broken words.
Every sharp letter my mother has said engraved in my heart. Ilang beses ko nang sinabi na hindi ko kailangan ng approval nya ngunit kahit anong pilit ko, I'm just a child... waiting to be noticed... wanting to be recognized. What did I do to deserve this?
"Lucille!"
Tuluyan akong napatayo sa sigaw ni Papa. Muli akong sumilip sa pinto at nakitang sobrang kalat ng sala namin. The fragments of the figurines, mini statues and vases were scattered on the floor. Galit na galit ang mukha ni Papa habang nakaturo kay Mama na nasa dulo na ng pinto at handang-handa sa pag-alis.
It hits me like a train. My mother is leaving us.
Mabilis akong bumaba sa sala para tingnan ang nangyayari pero hindi pa man tuluyang nakararating ay sumigaw na ulit si Mama. This time, her eyes were bloodshot and dark.
"Umalis kayong dalawa sa pamamahay ko!" galit na galit na sigaw nya.
My father growled. "At ano?! Isasama mo rito si Herman?!"
My heart clenched in fear and pain when I heard the name of Mira's father. I was just behind my father... feeling agitated and pained.
"Oh, bakit hindi?! May relasyon din naman kayo ni Gloria, diba?!" natatawang tanong ni Mama. "I already caught you on the spot, Renato. Ano pa bang inaalagaan mo?"
I pressed the tips of my fingers to stop myself from trembling. My mother is in a relationship with Mira's father... and my favorite person is cheating on her with Tita Gloria. My family is slowly falling apart because our foundation isn't strong... there's no love and care.
"P-paano kami ni Ate Heather?" I whispered.
My mother let out a devilish laugh. "Don't worry about Heather! Akin 'yon! Kayo ng ama mo ang magsama!"
"You finally admitted it!" malakas na tawa ni Papa. "Hindi ba sa akin si Heather?!"
"You only realize it now?"
The next things happened so fast. Umakyat si Papa sa kwarto at wala pang sampung minuto ay may dala na rin syang maleta. His walks were determined and fast... sigurado sa desisyon ng pag-alis.
"You'll leave this house, Lucille?! Then, I'll leave, too! Tama na ring maghiwalay tayo! Tama nang pinagtiisan natin ang isa't isa nang halos dalawang dekada!"
"Good call! Bukas lang din ay lilipat na kami nina Herman dito kaya isama mo na si Chin sayo!"
Papa snorted. "No! Aalis ako nang mag-isa. Ikaw ang bahala kay Chin!"
"Are you kidding me?" she replied. "I can't even stand her!"
"Parusa mo 'yan! You have to deal with her for the rest of your life!"
I cried. Mabilis akong umakyat sa kwarto at isinalampak ang katawan sa kama. I covered my face with a pillow, trying so hard to drown my sobs with the noise of fireworks outside.
They will part ways... and no one wants me. I'm nothing but a punishment they have to carry. They love their affairs so bad they didn't even care about me.
That dress belongs to me. She gave my dress and other clothes to Mira. She probably gave her that luxurious watch. The peripera liptint and all the material things. She robbed my things for others. She deprived me love only to give it to others.
And my father... he's willing to leave me... para lang masaktan si Mama. He's willing to sacrifice me to see her suffer.
I felt used and unwanted. I grabbed my phone and connect it to the bluetooth speakers in my room. My mind is too loud... I need to hear something... I need to shut my thoughts.
I cried as I opened my bedside table, trying hard to fight the urge to see blood.
"No, Chin, you're healed..." I sobbed as I'm holding a sharp blade in my hands. It looked sinfully beautiful. The edges were thin but intense.
With trembling hands, I slowly cut my wrist.
I'm an unwanted child, a punishment for someone who has sinned. My mother is right. I should not have lived.
I can feel it in my bones. I'm closing my doors again. I'm building my walls again. Maybe I could be happy. Hell, I could be happy... but there's a certain part of me that throbs. It didn't stop hurting. My family damaged me... and I know that no matter how long I try to run, I will always be here, stuck and unmoving.
The prison I'm trying so hard to escape to isn't this home. The prison isn't my family. It's my mind. My own thoughts. I swim in the ocean of sadness and made a rapport with the waves.
My wrist was aching. I've drawn three majestic lines and red fluids were making their way out. I am ready to face death. There's nothing more to look forward to. No one wants me. No one even needs me.
My whole room vibrated when a loud firework exploded from the outside. Nalaglag ang ilang gamit ko na nasa study table at natulala ako nang makita ang tissue mula sa KFC.
And it reminded me of him. His sweet little gestures. The way he brought me food, accompanied me to the school library, made me laugh at his silly jokes... and just simply the way he made me feel loved.
He said he missed me. He said he can't wait to see me again. He said that with me, he started his year right.
I slowly put the blade away and cried. My eyelids feel heavy but I didn't stop crying. Instead of hurting myself more, I thought of Vina... my highschool friends... Sir Will... my classmates... and my love.
I'm on the verge of ending my life and he saved me. He isn't my cure... but he's my deliverance.
Seryoso ang mukha ko habang bitbit ang malaking maleta pababa ng hagdan. Mira's family was here. Nahihiya ang mukha ni Tito Herman habang nakatingin sa akin habang ang mga anak nya naman ay nakayuko. Mira, on the other hand, looks like she wants to say something to me but from all the things that happened, I don't have much energy left.
Ni hindi manlang ako hinayaan ni Mama na manatili hanggang sa susunod na linggo. She's so excited to throw me out of the house.
"Live well, Chin," she said with a sincere smile on her face.
Sa buong buhay ko, ngayon ko lang sya nakitang ngumiti sa akin nang ganyan. Those were the first kind words I've received from her and it hurt me more. We're about to live separately and it made her so happy.
Nang tuluyang makalabas, bitbit ang dalawampung libo mula sa perang naipon at ilang mga damit, nilingon ko ang dalawang palapag naming bahay.
On the 1st of January, I lost my family.