waiting room- phoebe bridgers
Jace
I sat in that parking lot for all of sixty seconds, debating to myself whether to take Quinn's advice and just leave. I mean, he clearly he wanted to be alone. I wasn't his bitch. But then again, he'd obviously been through some shit- even if no one would tell me what the fuck was going on with him, I wasn't a complete idiot. Although, to be completely honest, when it came to him, I had an IQ of 60. He was fucking impossible.
I looked at the hospital doors, and at the dashboard, and then back at the hospital. He didn't need me. We didn't even like each other. And yet, when he'd left the car, he'd seemed off. He was usually so irritatingly... Noah, and now, his mask was slipping. I'd seen it. So I counted down to ten, almost drove away, and then took the key out of the ignition.
"For fuck's sake, Quinn," I muttered, rolling my eyes and exiting the car with a huff of annoyance.
Not only had I just dealt with an hour of a practically senile counselor trying to unearth the reason why I was such a piece of shit, but now I had to go and comfort my little brother's infuriatingly perfect best friend.
Pushing past crying families and sneezing, disgusting children, I held onto the blissful thought of the revenge I was gonna pull on Noah later. I'd still barely pranked him back. I had less energy to be funny than I used to, not after everything that had happened, and a certain pretty boy wasn't helping me act normal. I hated him, and I was gonna make sure he knew. But first, purely for malicious, 'keep your enemies close reasons', I had to go and see if he was okay.
He wasn't.
I almost walked past the room he was in before I noticed a boy standing, shaking, with tight fists in his hair.
"Noah?" I said, not even noticing that I'd actually called him by his first name. "What are you-"
Before I could even finish my sentence, he was jamming the hard palms of his hands into his forehead, tearful eyes scrunched up as if hurting himself was the only way to make the past stay the past. I was over there in an instant, placing my hands around his wrists and pulling him close. He struggled against my body, and my pulse raced at our proximity.
Shut up, stupid heart.
I'd never been this close to him before when we weren't fighting but I didn't take time to think about it. He was safe, in my arms, and that was all that mattered. He told me to let him go, but I didn't. I couldn't. Letting him go had never been a strength of mine.
He pushed against my chest, muttering something about his Dad who I'd only just noticed was lying, barely alive in the bed beside us. Without even thinking, I ran a hand through his hair, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I wanted to say, 'Give up, love. You take away too much of yourself sometimes. Give it all to me. I can hold it. I can hold you.' But being that soft went against everything I was. So instead, I just pulled him closer, letting him bury his face in my neck. "You're safe," I murmured as he shook. I wanted to peer inside his mind- to see what had broken him after all those years. To know exactly what happened before his father went into a coma. To know what he saw when he closed his eyes.
I didn't know why he didn't feel safe, or why I even cared. Maybe he reminded me of my brother too much.
No, that wasn't it. It was something else. Something hidden amongst the burning distaste I felt towards him, something that had been there a long time, gathering dust and fading into something that almost looked like the shape of him.
But I wanted Noah to feel safe. The thought was new and strange to me, because he had always meant nothing. Hadn't he? He was no one. Just a boy I was forced to know, and live with, and speak to sometimes in the color of blue and pink chalk.
Despite it all, I felt a tug in my gut when he abruptly pulled away. He wiped his bleary face, refusing to meet my eyes, like he was angry or ashamed or embarrassed. Maybe all three. "I hate him," he said as he walked past me to leave, his voice thick and gravelly.
I had no idea whether he meant me, or the man lying in the bed. Either way, I answered. "I know."
~~~
Noah
After we got home, I barely spoke to Lee. I busied myself with helping out in the stables- not that I knew the first thing about what to do with animals considering that my own dog was probably plotting my demise, but it was a good distraction. The second I went back into the house, the thoughts came back. Jace witnessing me breakdown, hugging me, and my Dad, the possibility that he might not wake up, and the even bigger possibility that I wasn't even sure if I wanted him to. Not that I wanted him to die. I just couldn't handle losing anyone else, so not knowing if he was going to survive was almost worse. Ending up alone was pretty much inevitable for me. Why not speed up the process and isolate myself completely? It's a perfectly healthy way to cope with grief, I thought, ignoring Dalia's voice in the back of my mind screaming at me that it absolutely was not.
"Hey," Lee said, as I passed him on the stairs. "Beth and Pace are on their way here." I grunted half heartedly in response, looking at the wall of framed photo's behind him. The only ones of Jace were baby pictures; I was guessing he wasn't the easiest to include in happy, loving family portraits. But the others were all smiles and laughter, Lee learning to ride a bike, Darren proposing to a young and pregnant Monica... I realized with a heavy heart that I would never be on that wall, no matter how much they tried to tell me I was family. The only wall I would ever hang on was filled with the faces of ghosts.
"Earth to Noah? You still alive in there?"
"Room," I mumbled, not caring if I sounded rude. He and I could go hours without speaking and not have it be awkward. He was bubbly to an extreme degree, but we both understood personal space.
"Dick!" He yelled after me lovingly as I headed straight for my bed. When I got there, however, the last person I expected to see was lying on the sheets. In nothing but sweatpants.
"Jace? What- what are you doing?"
He grinned lazily and pulled himself up as I tried not to stare at his flexing muscles. It's not that I wanted to look. It's just that they were in the way of my eyes.
Why is this boy always topless?
"Just thought I'd pay you a visit."
"Yeah," I scoffed under my breath. "You seem to do that a lot. Conveniently leaving your shirt behind."
Apparently, by his smirk, he heard me. "That a problem for you, Quinn?" I prayed he couldn't see my cheeks blush, cheeks that only reddened when he continued. "I'll make sure to leave the rest behind next time too."
Fuck. He's just joking. He's just joking. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-
"You're a problem for me," I said, breaking my internal monologue. "You keep... bothering me."
He raised an eyebrow as he stepped closer, and I instantly cursed myself for my wording. "I... bother you?"
"What? No, I meant I-" I sighed as he chuckled, instantly feeling dejected. "I don't know. You keep showing up."
"Like today?"
The memories resurfaced, and I instantly felt small again. My words came out thin and weak and I wanted to hit myself, just to make the hurt go away. "I-I don't want to talk about-"
"You had a breakdown, Quinn," he said, as if it were still some casual joke. "When are you gonna talk about it? We both know you don't say shit in therapy-"
"Shut up," I whispered, surprising us both. "Just leave me alone, Jace." I'd never spoken to him like that. Before, I never would have dared to. Even though you could barely hear my voice, it felt like I'd shouted.
He moved forward again, practically caging me against the wall. His intense brown eyes locked me in, and he whispered one word so close that I could feel every syllable hit the skin of my neck.
"No."
And with that, he grabbed my waist, and hauled me over his shoulder. I yelped, instantly pounding at his back as he crossed the room and entered the hallway.
"What the fuck- Jace- put me down," I exclaimed, trying to squirm out of his strong grasp.
"I'm sorry," Jace grunted under my weight as he carried me downstairs. "I didn't quite catch that."
This is it, I thought to myself as I struggled. This is how I go.
"Jackson, stop," I protested breathlessly, hitting his firm back repeatedly. I yelled for my friends, trying to get their attention.
I vaguely heard Beth laughing as they came in through the front door, telling Lee to start filming before I was carried outside onto the patio.
"W-what are you..." My voice trailed off as I realized.
The pool.
"No," I said urgently, hitting him harder as panic rose in my chest. "Jace, seriously, let me go."
"As you wish," he said back, his voice thick with sadistic joy. I realized, with a horrible lurch of anxiety, that he genuinely didn't know what I'd been through.
No.
What had started as lighthearted protests to him carrying me, had turned into a full fledged panic attack.
I can't go in the water.
I can't.
Lee," I choked out, knowing his brother was getting closer to throwing me in. I watched Lee's smile fade slightly into confusion as he noticed the genuine distress in my eyes.
"Stop," I cried out weakly, grabbing at the back of Jace's hair in a pathetically desperate attempt to distract him.
It only egged him on as he laughed coldly and tightened his grip on my legs, completely unaware that I was no longer joking. "Nice try."
No, no, no, no, no.
My chest constricted in the beginnings of an anxiety attack, and tears sprang to my eyes. Everyone but Lee was still oblivious, and even he just looked lost. He knew something was wrong, though. Even if he didn't know what.
"Wait," Lee said, starting to put it together. "Jace, wait."
But his brother didn't hear him, grinning as he loosened his grip and started to lean me towards the water.
"No!" I yelled, unable to hold it in.
"Jacob, stop!" I heard Monica cry out. I hadn't even noticed she had arrived. Everything felt dizzy.
Now able to see his face, I watched him glance back at her, confused, but not holding me tight enough. Unable to do anything but desperately grip onto his arms, I felt my legs enter the cool water.
It came back all at once.
I let out a strangled sob, feeling tears stream down my face. I was vaguely aware of my friends and and Lee's parents watching on in horror. Jace suddenly came to his senses, his eyes widening, as he lifted my bottom half out of the water.
My palms slammed down on the wet tile as I gasped for breath. I hadn't even gone fully under, and I felt like I'd drowned all over again. Monica was there asking me something, her voice thick with worry, but I couldn't focus. All I could feel was the crushing weight of water, pulling me down, down, down-
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Jace?" His father yelled. For once, Jace looked afraid.
I couldn't look at him for long, though. My friends guided me to my feet, their voices soft. I spluttered out, trying to drag in enough air.
"You're okay," the soft female voice said. "Just breathe."
"Everything's going to be okay," said my father tearfully, as the car filled up with water. "Take a deep breath, Noah."
Jace walked alongside me, the surprising expression of concern etched onto his tanned face. He was asking me something, and I tried to focus on the echo, but all I could think about was my searing embarrassment at the stupid, hot tears that wouldn't stop coming. I felt like a child.
"I'm- I wanna go," I managed to choke out, gently pushing Monica away.
"Noah-"
"Just leave me alone," I said, whirling around, my voice pathetically thick and strangled. "All of you."
Monica put a hand to her lips, her eyes filling with emotion. Everyone else just looked shocked. And Jace? I couldn't tell if his face was etched with guilt, pity, or something else entirely.
I didn't care, though. I didn't have time to care as I stumbled to my room. As soon as I slammed the door shut I collapsed against the wooden frame and let myself release a sob. I was weak. They must have thought I was pathetic, breaking down like that over some stupid water. It was nothing. It should have been nothing.
And yet, when I closed my eyes, all I saw was myself- a boy, reaching for a voice within the endless blue, as the shroud of darkness pulled me under.
~~~
I didn't know exactly how long I'd been sitting against the door, but I ached everywhere. I barely even noticed, though. Shame burned through my body like a match, and my tears fled the heat of it.
I took my head out of my hands slightly as I heard slow, careful footsteps approaching the door. The person knocked once quietly.
I rolled my bleary eyes, sniffing. "Go away, Lee."
There was a silence, before someone spoke, their voice muffled, but close.
"I'm not Lee."
My breath hitched as I wiped the tears from my eyes.
Jace.
I was shocked he actually gave a shit, until I realized his parents were probably forcing him to talk to me. He wouldn't care enough of his own accord. Honestly, he probably thought it was funny.
"Open the door," he said, before I heard him lean his head against the wooden surface. "Noah, please."
Please.
He'd actually said my name without a sarcastic quip; and then, he'd gone from acting like he could take whatever he wanted, to whispering a plea of desperation. He'd never been this vulnerable before. But if he didn't act nice to me, his parents would kill him. That had to be the only reason. It had to, because the alternative didn't make sense.
I said nothing, but rested my head against the arms I had propped upon my knees. He sighed, then knocked again. Gently.
"I know you're there. Just... let me in. What I did," he murmured, placing his hands flat against the door. "I had no idea."
My lips trembled as tears sprung to my eyes again, and I buried my face in my arms. I fucking hated him. I hated that he made me feel like that, even if he didn't mean to. I hated that he was here, when I knew he didn't care. I hated what I couldn't understand. And I didn't understand him at all.
"I just want to be alone," I whispered weakly, holding back the sob in my throat and furiously wiping my eyes.
I heard him take his forehead away from the wood and turn around, sliding down to the floor so we were sitting parallel. "Okay."
Neither of us moved for a while as I cried silently. I didn't know whether I was grateful for the barrier between us, or if I resented it.
AN- ik this chapter isn't v fun but it's setting us up for fluff next chapter (;
-bella