A cloud of emerald light rises above the city. Quickly spreading over the city, snow of budding green gracefully falls to the ground. The presence of this energy moved beyond the walls like an endless bamboo forest.
In my arms, Yang Zi Huo's eyes are closed as if he was only peacefully in slumber. I wanted to believe he was still here with me, that with one peck on his lips, he would wake.
The heaviness in my eyelids make the routine of waking a chore. I dread the moment when every excruciating memory returns. This space, this home, this life no longer has Yang Zi Huo in it.
I sit up on the bed. The burden of pain in my chest tightens strenuously. Some days the tightness isn't as extreme, but today feels the worst of it all.
Underneath the surface of steaming water, I let the overbearing hot temperature consume my body. When I finally rose for air, the stabbing pain in my chest made no difference to the pain that was already there.
After a bath in the hot spring pool, I make my way to the Starlight Cave. I hide my face behind a veil, tying it behind my head. As I walk into the cave, the deep colors of the abyss have thousands of sparkling stars reflected on the ceiling. I kneel down on the side of the gold platform. Forcing the corners of my lips to curl, I smile with a heavy heart.
"How do you feel today?" I whisper. Using my fingertips to gently brush away his hair from his face, I knew I would not hear a response. The silence hits me with another wave of harsh reality.
"These past five years I've been working with Yi Fei to find a cure to bring you back. I'm sorry to keep you waiting."
I wrap my hand around his, caressing it. Cold. Lifeless. Empty.
"Are you going to let me wait three hundred years for you too?" I tried to not let my voice reveal the sorrow of my true heart. Nonetheless, I was defeated by salty droplets cascading down my face. "I'll wait as you did. As long as you come back, alright Zi Huo?"
I hear footsteps approaching from behind. Drying my eyes, I don't look up at the visitor. She stands afar and observes this tiring scene.
"Yuxing..."
"Yi Fei, you've come to see Zi Huo?"
"I've come to see you as well." Her voice is filled with concern. "Have you been eating well?"
"Here and there."
"Yuxing, I worry about you. Why don't you come stay at Invigorating Essence with me?"
"You know I can't leave Yang Zi Huo alone."
"Then I can come stay here with you. We can keep looking for ways to awaken Yang Zi Huo."
I scoff, "Will we ever find a way? You've said it before that you cannot not revive him."
If the best physician in the Mortal Realm could not bring Yang Zi Huo back to me then who could?
"It is true... I cannot. His spirit left him the day his blue fire went out. If a small remnant of his soul still exists within his body, I would have done everything in my power to bring him back."
"Then should I just give up?"
Yi Fei hesitates to answer. "I think... we should lay my little brother to rest."
Frustration, grief, hopelessness brews inside my chest. I can't let him slip through my fingers once again. Even if the one here is only a hollow vessel.
"Yi Fei, you can't do this to me. You have to help me find a way."
"I know I am indebted to you forever and always, but it pains me to see you be like this. Zi Huo's soul has completely separated from this shell. We can keep him on the golden platform for years but may never find a way to bring him back."
"But I need him to come back! I need him back in this body, back in this life with me."
Yi Fei sighs, "I know Yi Fei, I know. Fate just doesn't go our way sometimes."
"Fate never favored us." I stare at Zi Huo's inert face. The golden platform was powerful enough to preserve his form just as it did with Yi Fei.
I stand, turning to her. Yi Fei appears distressed. Dark circles under her eyes are emphasized because of her pale skin. Not a stain sullied her white gown.
"Yi Fei, I cannot let Yang Zi Huo be reincarnated."
Her raises her eyebrows, alarmed at my words. "Why?"
"In the Underworld, you can ban people from entering your mortal life when you reincarnate. I... requested for Yang Zi Huo to be prohibited from entering my strain of fate ever again, and it was approved."
"Which means if he reincarnates... Fate will never allow you two to cross paths again."
"It was all before seeing everything at the Divine Creator's resting place. I didn't know! I didn't know... Now I've made a mistake, and I'll never see Yang Zi Huo again." I cover my face with my hands to hide my shame. I could never allow myself to be vulnerable, not even in front of my dearest friend.
She places a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"It's my fault. I wanted Yang Zi Huo gone from my life and now he really is..."
And I can't take it. I reaped what I sow. I don't deserve to share a life with him.
"No, it is my fault. I should have never called you to capital city. I was the one who led Yang Zi Huo to sacrificing himself, to Captain Wu's death."
"I don't blame you, Yi Fei."
The pain of regret is displayed on her face. Her eyes glistening as a glossy layer forms.
"Come here, silly girl." We are both grieving, both hurting, both wanting to repent. So many deaths and bloodshed, we've lost good people. We are fortunate to still have each other. I pull her into my embrace. Stiffly, her arms move to hold me close. Her fists grabbing clusters of my robes as she silently shed her tears.
It's been five years since the battle with Wicked Mist. That day I can never forget, yet the memories are hazy and come about in my mind as haunting nightmarish sequences.
"This all happened because of me." I hear Qin Yu's voice echo loudly in my eardrums. "I'm sorry, Yuxing."
He releases the Ancient God's essence, a deformed creature escapes through his chest. He loses control of his human form and transforms into a giant green snake with frills. His horns crystallized first, permeating down the scales of his face and entire body. The deafening shatter of his body startles me, and I close my eyes to avoid the small fragments from blinding me. Thus, his sacrifice ended the demonic plague that almost destroyed the Mortal Realm.
This darkness again.
After the storm, I'm reminded of this abyss.
Yang Zi Huo would appear and greet me, but even in my dreams I can no longer meet him.
"Yang Zi Huo, can you hear me?" I wander deeper, looking around for any sign of movement.
"Yang Zi Huo, I'm here. Can you please come out and meet me?"
Silence.
I fall to my knees, my staggering breathing is the only sound that I hear. The boulder of agony on my chest.
"I can't ever see you again? Not even in my dreams... not even replication of your shadow grazes the furthest corners of consciousness."
Trickling down my cheeks, streams of flowing bitterness allows me to remember the taste of Old Lady Meng's tea. Bitter, salty, the taste of neverending pointlessness.
"I won't give up. If fate thinks that separating you from me is going to break my will then they've got another thing coming. I'm going to find you. Whether it takes me five-hundred years, one-thousand years, another lifetime."
The dew of the early spring morning has yet to evaporate. I'm already entering the gate of Invigorating Essence to meet with Yi Fei. She's an early bird. I knew she would already be up at this time.
I enter her study, and she immediately looks up at me from her bamboo text. "Yuxing?"
"Yi Fei."
She puts down her book and stands as I reach the front of her desk. Appearing to be in a good mood, she smiles warmly and walks to my side. I think she is happy I've left Shui Jing Mountain for the first time in years.
"What brings you here?" She asks, eyes sparkling with curiosity.
"I have a favor to ask you."
"Yes, what is it?"
Suddenly, my nerves are interfering with my attempt to plead for help. I'm not sure how Yi Fei will respond. She wouldn't want me to be in harm's way.
"Help me locate the Ghost Market."
"Ghost Market? Why?"
"I need to meet with the merchant there. He's the one who helped me bring the last piece of your soul to the Mortal Realm."
"I see. Why do you want to meet with him?" She tilts her head to the side. I can tell she is reluctant to assist me with this task.
"I just need to. I need to find a way to look for Yang Zi Huo's soul."
"You don't mean-"
"I have to go to the Underworld."