Reasons Why I'll Never Be a Cheerleader by HurricaneKareena
Reason #1: I'm a vampire (Chapter Title)
Paranormal Comedy (Genre)
Making the absurd normal (Themes)
First Person Past (fairly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)
---------------- 10.21.2020 -----------
Hello
Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.
- clear genre (Paranormal Comedy)
- clear time period (Unknown, possibly present)
- clear MC (Sana)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Sana, teacher1, teacher2, James and three other boys)
- tension / suspense (moderate, but somewhat low)
- a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)
(Digs out the last bit of dirt from the shallow grave.)
Okay. I'm ready for you. (Tosses the gloves aside). Won't be needing THESE either.
All right. I've starred your chapter (which I never do), and I've followed you (which I also never do) because I know that once you pick up the pieces of your chapter when I'm done, it's going to be epic. And as soon as you unblock me after the fact, I'll be able to enjoy that epicness.
This is MASSIVE. I can't even tell you how massive this story is. And I'm not talking, "Oh, how amazing." I'm talking, "Holy crap, Batman, that's a lot of lore!" In the end, it's all about what you do with it and how you use it. Right now, you are using a diamond to hold up your end-table. You've got gold and silver flakes in the trashcan cuz they 'offset' the aesthetics of your water-clogged basement bedroom. And quite frankly, your alarm clock nestled under your pillow that you strike every morning at five minutes to eight before it goes off, is actually an A-bomb.
It's like you've got SO many wonderful parts...in the WRONG places. I mean, I'm actually amazed at how wonderfully they've clashed.
Stop crying. This is for your own good.
Let's talk about your good points. I'll be honest, this would be a shorter review if I kept with the bad because the good does outweigh the shoddy-dollar-store setup you've got. (Yeah, I said it).
1. (Even though I staunchly hate all who attempt breaking the fourth wall) you break the fourth wall WELL. It's light. It's crisp and I'll admit, I snorted out my unsweetened overpriced green tea a time or two.
2. Her personality is easy to follow. One of the shortcomings of this style, this 'know it all' MC is that they get a bit TOO overpowered in all they know. Not yours. She's about as dumb as they come and adorable as ever. And I don't mean dumb like 'stupid' I mean, dumb like (the average person we can see in her.) I can read her and think, "Yeahhhh, I'd make that mistake, too." So it's very relatable. The tone of the piece is also good.
3. Your writing. You might have a few (not many) comma splices here or there but overall, it's a solid chapter. (Claps). Not much to edit punctuation-wise. You're every indie editor's dream client (to a point). So it's good that you have the talent of ideas coupled with the talent of the pen. Nice. Nice.
4. The lore. (I'd rather not swear in my reviews because I'm trying to disguise myself as 'upstanding' but g'damn that's some good lore). Nice. Nice. Nice. The world keeps expanding and we learn something new about it. I love the idea of her being on the bad-guy side. It's fitting and I'm here for it.
5. The title and the first chapter title. I really REALLY hate when people judge a book by the title but I've gotta say, when I read your title, I was really interested in it. As a casual reader, you would have lured me into that tinted first chapter van to say the least.
Those are your five superpowers. Now that I've safely put you on that pedestal, please allow me to kick that ish out from under you, like SO.
I would never have read this.
Like seriously (urg, there goes my DISGUISE!), who tells the reader "this is going to be a sad story." Like...who? Huh? Who? Don't you THINK I knew marrying a guy with a face tattoo was a BAD idea? Don't you think I know that?! I knew that. I more than knew that. But when people went around telling me the ending, "Oh, you're gonna regret it, Ash. You're gonna regret it. It's not going to last. He's a two-time felon!" I UNDERSTANDABLY and 'reasonably' told them to go to hell.
NOBODY WANTS THAT ENDING FIRST.
I mean, do they? (biting nails). I mean, am *I* the weirdo? I mean, would all movies and books work out if we just opened the first page and read, "He cheats on her and she offs herself. But let's go into this." Huh? Has the world gone topsy turvy without mah knowledge?
Urg, my disguise!!
I mean, ahem! I don't think it's a good idea to tell the reader off the bat that it's going to be a sad story. First of all, any seasoned hater of 'spoilers' like myself would do what I did, which was immediately stop reading at the first line and retreat. I stopped reading that intro because I went to chapter 1 and figured I'd go back later. I still haven't because I figured MAYBE (JUST MAYBE) I'd read on and I don't want it ruined.
Now to the one point I've been dancing around, the one thing I've never, EVER told anyone in my over 100+ critiques...it's.... It's... (whispers) b—bor—not engaging enough.
Whew. There. I said it.
I felt like I'd arrived at a friends house. He's stinking rich, and he's got a pair of tigers roaming from room to room as we enter. Then a lion scampers by, then a friggin' unicorn, but he doesn't talk about ANY of them, instead, he's showing me his belly button lint collection.
So it was hard to focus on the 'everyday life' while she'd just unloaded that massive data dump all over us. I'm carrying around this info and she's flopping on the floor. I feel like if you are going to go with the 'here's what happened' approach, then it should have cut STRAIGHT to the cafeteria. Because...what exactly did we gain from mucking around the teachers? Other than two new names we instantly forget. Her quirk is already very vividly in her narration and her situation. In that regard, she could have spent more time trying to seduce Bernie Bro 1, only for the ish to go DOWN (as they say on the streets). Then give us a fun chase scene and Bob's your uncle!
But the build up that was SO unrelated to everything else really dragged. Also, the fake out... not cool.
We are like kids, when you tell us something, we believe it. You tell us Santa got killed by two reindeer who were found eating his brains, and then you are like, "psych, that's not what happened. THIS is what happened! And as the character chuckles to herself and tells the true story, I no longer trust her. In fact, I'm waiting for her to be like, 'OKAY, JUST KIDDING. WHAT REALLY HAPPENED WAS THIS!' by which time I'm closing the chapter and moving on because if I wanted instant deception, I'd remarry one of my multiple ex-husbands.
There are more than enough twists and intrigue to keep this chapter engaging. I say scrap the classroom, teachers' room, scrap the 'fake out' back story, what have you. Put more emphasis on the newcomers who are about to become lunch, and the chase that ensues. Give us the info about their colors AS she's being chased.
Also, for the love of writing GOD and all holy, separate who's talking if the dialogue and the person doing the motion doesn't match.
(doubles over, winded) You...got...all that? Huh?
Oh, OH, and another thing (rips off the disguise) dafac's up with the sunlight issue, bruh!
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