I stared at myself in the mirror. Dark circles casting under my eyes. I was disgusted with myself. Why did I try and kiss Jackson? He denied me so quickly. I sighed at my reflection in the mirror.
"I'm so lonely."
I sat on the chair outside my balcony and lit a cigarette. I grabbed my phone and scrolled over the one number I dreaded to call—my mom. I hit dial and let it ring. I already set myself up with the disappointment that she wouldn't answer.
No surprise. I was right.
I rang my dad instead. Immediately going to voicemail. I tried again, and it started ringing.
Nice to know my own father has me on do not disturb.
"Hey, kiddo!" He answered cheerfully.
"Hey, Dad, how's everything going? I tried to sound interested.
"Oh great, hun, just great," He answers someone in the background.
"Where are you? Wheres, mom?" I question.
"We're in Vegas, baby. I told you this."
"No, no, you didn't." I cross my legs and take a drag of my cigarette.
"Well, you must've not been listening, F." He sounds annoyed.
"Yeah, right, where's mom?" I ask again.
"She's somewhere in the pool area; give her a ring, will you? You never call."
"Okay, it would be nice if I got a call from you guys every-"
My Dad interrupts me, "Hey, I have to go, call me soon." the phone line goes dead.
I place my phone next to me and finish my cigarette.
I'm so fucking lonely.
Later that night, I headed to Blue's place where he and some of his friends were hanging out. I invited Savannah to come, but she was getting ready for a date with Lucas and said they might swing by later. I hadn't told her about me trying to kiss Jackson.
I decided to walk to Blue's since it was nice out, and I needed to clear my head. People flooding the streets as everyone headed home from work. Taxis honking and people performing on the street corners. The smell of hot dogs from the food vendors filled my nose. I decided to stop and grab something to put in my stomach.
"One chicken wrap with ranch and water, please." I dug through my purse for some cash.
The man taking my order nodded and smiled. "$5.86, please."
I smiled softly and handed him a ten telling him to keep the change. He thanked me and handed me my food. I grabbed some extra napkins and headed on my way. I took a few bites and continued to observe around me.
I loved fall in New York. The city was busier than usual, with people coming into town to see their loved ones. Stores setting up for the holidays and couples everywhere. Some people I looked at looked just as miserable as me. I envied the ones who didn't.
I finished my wrap and threw away my trash at the next trash bin I found. I turned right off the main street and onto Blue's. I couldn't stop thinking about if Jackson was there or not. I was so embarrassed with myself. I really hope he didn't tell anyone.
I open the waiting area door to Blue's apartment. I ring the bell waiting for a response. His face pops up on the screen, and he moved his curls out of his eyes.
"You need a haircut." I tease.
He laughs, "Good to see you too, F."
The door buzzes open, and he disappears off the screen. I head into the elevator, click his floor and watch the doors close. The silence is loud. I was so nervous to see Jackson. To see the look on everyone's face because everyone must know, right?
I could see it now, Jackson standing in front of everyone, reenacting the whole thing. Telling them all how gross I am, and everyone agrees.
He wouldn't do that; he's nice, Frankie.
I could only hope.
I take a deep breath before exiting the elevator. I walk towards Blue's door and step inside. The smell of pizza hits my nose, and chatter ringing in my ears. I see Blue's friend Damon in the kitchen; he gives me a wave with a big smile. I wave and smile back.
Off to a good start.
I take a second to lift my head as I walk towards the living room.
"Hey, Frankie!!" A bunch of people yell happily.
I shoot my head up to see everyone smiling at me, excited to see me. My anxiety subsiding for now. I scan with my eyes to see Jackson isn't here. I let out a sigh of relief.
I say hello to everyone and take an open seat next to Blue. I lean back on the couch and listen in on their conversation. Blue pulls me in for a side hug and a kiss on the head.
"How are you?" He smiled, taking a bite of his pizza.
"I'm good." I move his hand towards me and snag a bite of his slice.
He jokingly nudges me and hands me a beer.
I accept and start drinking.
A few hours later, everyone is drunk and laughing in the living room. I excuse myself to make another drink. I walk to Blue's kitchen and mix some vodka with cranberry lemonade. I felt so relieved to know that nobody here knew about my failed attempt to kiss Jackson. I was also happy he wasn't here either.
I take another deep breath and a sip of my drink. Just then, the door opens, and low and behold, Jackson walks in. I nearly almost spit my drink out. My head drops in my stomach, and my face turns red.
"Oh my fucking god," I whisper to myself. I stand still, hoping he won't see me. He heads towards the living room, and I think I'm in the clear. I grab my drink and slip to the bathroom.
I slam the door behind me and press my back up against it. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!" I repeat over and over. "What the fuck do I do." I put my hands on the sink and stare down. I'm so stupid. I needed to leave, somehow, without him seeing me. I couldn't stay in here all night. Blue would come looking for me.
*Knock knock*
I froze. "One second!"
"F, it's me!" Savannah yelled.
My eyes grew large as I swung open the door. I yanked her inside and slammed it shut.
"Thank god you're here." I push my back against the wall.
"Woah, what's wrong?"
"How did you know I was in here?" My voice is shaky.
"Jackson told me he saw you go this way." She seemed confused.
"OH MY GOD," I cover my face.
"Dude, what's wrong? Did you take something?" She removed my hands.
I looked at her as she waited for me to reply. "Don't hate me."
She crossed her arms. "What is going on?!"
I slightly hit the back of my head on the wall. "Jackson came over last night." I looked at her. "After you and I got back from dinner, he called me." I tapped my foot as did she. "I tried to kiss him, and he said no and left." I looked down.
Savannah still silent, waiting for me to finish.
"I felt SO dumb, Sav; I also didn't expect him to be here, so when he walked in, I ran and hid in the bathroom."
"What the fuck, why didn't you tell me?" She giggled a little.
"I was fucking embarrassed." I shot her a look. "He rejected me and ran out of my apartment!"
"Were you drunk?"
I looked down in the sink staring at my distorted reflection in the stopper. "Yeah"
"Well, that's why! He probably didn't want to take advantage of you, duh!" Sav rubbed my back.
"You think?" I questioned her statement. He probably just wasn't attracted to me.
I mean, you are ugly, and no one really seems to care about you.
"Yes, F totally, you're a catch." She smiled at me in the mirror. "Don't sweat it, now come on, let's go hang with everyone." She grabs my hand and escorts me outside.
We walk into the kitchen for her to make a drink. I decided to top mine off. We talked about her date with Lucas as she made herself a cocktail. They came together, and he was sitting over with everyone else. We chatted in the kitchen for a second as she reassured me that everything would be fine.
"You're right, let's go." I grab my drink and head to the living room.
As I turn the corner, Jackson is there. I jump back, spilling some of my drink.
"Shit, F, I'm sorry." He chuckles.
"Oh, it's cool; I didn't see you there." I look at the drink on my shirt.
"Here lemme help you." He walks into the kitchen.
I look over at Savannah, and she gives me a thumbs up and turns to join the others. I sigh and walk back to the kitchen. Jackson handing me a damp paper towel.
"Thanks," I dab the area on my shirt lightly.
"Hey, um, can we talk?" He asks, scratching the back of his neck.