"I- I'm- you don't remember me?" I stuttered, my heart in my mouth as I struggled to speak.
I was at a loss of words as I stared helplessly at my clueless yet vulnerable boyfriend. I could see the look in his eyes as he blinked very carefully at me, as if he were seeing me for the very first time.
But I knew deep down, from his perspective, he probably was.
I could taste the salty tears as they tumbled down my face, at a much slower pace that just a few minutes prior. I wiped my eyes with the long sleeves of my tee shirt and sniffled a few times before I realized what a terrible "first" impression I was giving off. But in this moment, none of that mattered to me. Because I felt as if I no longer had my best friend.
My sadness went from being about not knowing if Austin was going to wake up, to being sad that the love of my life seemingly lost his memory and didn't know who the fuck I was.
"I remember briefly waking up in my car after the accident and realizing what had happened but I'm pretty sure I passed out after that cause the rest is just a blur. I don't remember how I got out of the car or to the hospital or anything." Austin shook his head. "But I'm glad to see you're okay. Not even a scratch." He went on, his eyes raking me up and down.
I couldn't help but pick up on him discreetly checking me out despite the fact that he was just in a horrid car accident. I had no choice but to chuckle internally that even though he had no recollection of who I was and was laying in a freaking hospital bed, he was still looking at me with that same glimmer in his eye that he had the first time he ever set eyes on me.
"I- I'm not-" I attempted to explain before Austin's gaze became fixed on the Hollywood's Bleeding shirt that I was wearing which actually belonged to him.
"Okay now this explains why you're so upset. You're a fan of mine." He chuckled. "Listen, don't beat yourself up. You're gonna have a really interesting story to tell your friends how exactly you met me." He joked, trying to lighten the mood between us.
"Y-you don't know who I am." I whispered more to myself than to him. It came out a statement more than a question because the blankness on Austin's face proved that he indeed saw nothing but a stranger when he looked at me.
As much as I wanted to grab both sides of his face and press my lips against his, tell him exactly who I was and how much I loved him, I had seen enough movies and TV shows to know that springing this information on him would not benefit the situation or make him suddenly snap out of his amnesia.
Forcing him to remember would not make his memories of us come back any quicker and would in fact worsen things between us. But what made this so difficult was it was unpredictable how long it would be like this.
I've already spent enough time pretending that I didn't love this man. I didn't want to do it anymore. Like I said, I was tired.
"Always tired. Always fucking tired Lena."
I heard his voice echo in my head as I had a flashback to just a month ago. When we were casually hooking up and hadn't even acknowledged our feelings towards each other yet.
I would give anything to get that moment back. Anything was better than this. I mean to me, he was my everything. While I was absolutely nothing to him, just a nameless stranger.
"I'm um- I'm not the person that hit you Austin." My voice cracked as I spoke, a queasy feeling stirring in my stomach as I was about to hide part of the truth about who I really was.
I mean what was I going to say? Hey Austin, I'm Lena your girlfriend of about five minutes who you were casually sleeping and fucking around with but we fell in love but haven't officially said to each other. Oh and also I'm employed by Posty Co by the way.
"My name is Lena. I work for you, I'm one of your managers. And your- good friend." I spoke slowly, watching the expression on Austin's face twist with confusion.
"Lena." My name rolled off his tongue as he softly said it under his breath.
"I'm sorry but I- I don't know you." He shook his head as if he were trying to remember who I was.
"It's okay. Just take it easy ba- Austin." I placed my hand on his once again, his eyes darting to our skin grazing against each other.
It was as if he felt something when we touched and was trying to make sense of why we felt so drawn to each other.
"If you work for me, and we're friends, why don't I know who you are?" He sighed, furrowing his brows allowing my hand to continue to rest on top of his.
"I think you have some sort of amnesia Austin." I said quietly, as I swallowed hard. "You had a pretty bad concussion."
"Look I don't mean to be rude but that's absurd.. I don't feel any different." He shook his head. "I'm home in Utah, I'm about to start my Hollywood's Bleeding tour, I recognized my buddies, Adam and Smitty. This just doesn't make any sense." He rambled on, trying to figure out how it was possible to lose something he felt like he still had.
"Austin you're awake!"
I heard Vanessa's voice from behind me as she walked through the door, Dre by her side.
"Hey V. Yeah I'm hanging in there." He chuckled as he instantly recognized her without any hesitation. "Lucky to be alive."
"My boy! You gave us quite a scare! We are all so happy you are awake buddy. And with just a few scratches and bruises. You're definitely a lucky man." Dre exclaimed as he excitedly rushed to his friends side, giving him a handshake as Austin was much too weak to sit up straight.
"Thanks man. I'm happy too." He gave him a warm smile, having no remberance of his anger towards him early this morning before the accident. "Does anyone know where I was going?"
Vanessa and Dre exchanged glances before their eyes both went to me, as I was the only person to see Austin this morning. Neither of them knew his memory was compromised and they both looked as confused as he was.
"You were going to get cigarettes. You smoked your last Camel Crush and was just making a run to the store." I said to him as his eyes squinted just barely.
"You saw me before the accident?" He asked softly, his eyes shooting over to me.
"Well of course she did. You both-" Vanessa started to answer before I swiftly stopped her.
"-were up early." I cut in, nothing wanting her to spill the beans that we only wake up to each other in the same bed nearly every morning.
"V you have a minute?" I mumbled, wanting to pull her aside before she said anything too revealing.
She nodded to me, giving me a strange look as I gestured for her to follow me out of the room.
He said nothing as his eyes began to shift from Vanessa to me with a heavy look of curiousity in his eyes.
"Uh Vanessa, Austin doesn't- he doesn't remember me." The words left an after taste as they spilled from my mouth once we reached the hallway.
"What? What the fuck are you talking about Lee?" Vanessa voiced her frets as she began to panic probably just as much as I did.
"He um- seems to remember everyone but me." I hung my head, almost in defeat as my frustration grew by the second.
"We need to talk to his doctor." A sudden realization fell over me as I was much too busy internally freaking the fuck out to even bring this to the attention of the medical staff.
"Calm down Lee, just take some deep breaths. Everything is going to be okay honey. Just relax and breathe." She calmed my nerves as I hadn't had a second of peace since I arrived at the hospital.
"V we just become official. I've been his girlfriend for what? A day? And everything's completely fucked up. Our entire relationship has to been rebuilt from scratch. Who knows when he'll get his memory back. How am I suppose to get him to fall in love with me all over again?"
She took both of my hands in hers and gave them a small squeeze as her words forced me to pick my head up and look her in the eye.
"Lena." She firmly stated, as if she were the older sister I never had, trying to teach me a lesson.
"The kind of love you and Austin have is a forever type of love. A love that never dies." She said as she gave me a small smile.
"He doesn't have to fall in love with you all over again Lee. You just have to remind him how you fell in love in the first place."
I hesitantly nodded at her as I inhaled a deep breath and returned a weak smile.
Austin was going to find his way back to me. I just had to help him.
*****
"Retrograde amnesia?" Austin muttered as the doctor confirmed my suspicion and explained what exactly had happened to him following a comprehensive neurological exam.
He had no trouble recalling general knowledge and had no difficulty remembering how to perform every days tasks. He knew who he was and that he was in fact Post Malone. But it was as if the past six months of his life had ceased to exist.
Which meant him and I ceased to exist.
"You suffered a pretty severe blow to your head from the impact of the accident. Thankfully your cat scan of the head and MRI of the brain were both negative. Everything else looks intact and stable. Now that you're awake, we're going to downgrade you to a regular medical floor and hopefully we'll get you discharged by tomorrow Mr. Post. Any questions" The doctor went on to ask before he left the room.
"How long until I get my memory back?" Austin's asked in a low voice, his gaze shifting until it fell on me.
"That I cannot say. It could be tomorrow, it could be next year. All I can tell you is that it's temporary. So hopefully sooner rather than later. I'll see you tomorrow Austin." He answered before exiting the room and making his way to his next patient.
Austin's eyes almost looked disappointed as he stared at me from across the room. It was almost as if he wanted to remember me. As if he wanted to know exactly how he knew this mysterious girl that he couldn't seem to hold any memories to.
But his gaze was soon broken as I heard unfamiliar voices exclaming from behind me.
"Austin! Thank God you're okay honey!"
"Son! You're awake. We were so worried."
I turned around to see a short blonde woman with panicked eyes and a tall concerned man that looked like an older version of Austin, minus the face tattoos of course, which I assumed were his parents.
A small smile took over my lips as they rushed to his bedside, relieved as ever that he had made it through this horrible car crash.
"Let's let them spend time with him." Dre said as he gestured us towards the door.
"We'll see you later bud. Rich, Nicole, I'm so happy you made it." Dre called to them as Vanessa and I waved goodbye.
I sucked in a breath as I drank in the sight of him just before I turned away to leave the room.
Vanessa hung her arm around my shoulder as we walked in silence to the elevator, my eyes dry for once as I seemingly cried out all my tears for one day.
Once we reached the lobby, Vanessa walked ahead to update the rest of the team on what was going on, leaving Dre and I to walk side by side.
"Lena, I want to apologize to you. I was out of line last night. You were right, I had no idea what was going on between you two and I tried to get in the middle. I've just seen Austin get used in the past and I was trying to protect him. But after everything that happened today, I can see how much you care about him. Only someone that truly loves him would have reacted in the way that you did. I am so sorry that he doesn't remember you. But just give him time. He will remember. Just don't give up on him." He sincerely spoke as he looked down at me, somehow conjuring a fresh set of tears just when I thought I held some sort of control.
"Thank you Dre, your apology means a lot to me. I hope he does remember soon. But I'm not going anywhere. I'm never going to give up on him."
Dre gave me a friendly smile as he pulled me into a hug.
"If anyone's going to bring him back Lena, its going to be you."