Lauren had missed the sound of the waves. She had missed the midnight walks down the shore; standing barefoot and carefree in the wet, slick sand; sinking with each footstep only to emerge and sink again. It was only in the presence of such factors that she realized what a huge part of her daily existence had been missing.
It felt nice, now, to sit in the quiet solitude of night, and stare, undisturbed, at the rhythmic pattern of the waves. She wanted to stay there forever, away from her mother, the public, her friends.
Away from Camila...
Lauren wondered how much longer she could last without confessing. Fear of losing Camila's friendship was starting to become more of an excuse than a reason.
Would rejection be so bad? She could move on from that; to what, she wasn't sure, but it had to be better than letting her emotions fester away in a deep vault of longing. Anything had to be better than this.
Sighing, she leaned back on her elbows. She had always considered herself a confident person. All of her life she had gone after what she wanted, so why not this time? What was so terrifying about the word 'no'?
Camila had been watching Lauren for a while. It hadn't been her intention to run into the actress at the beach. They had both said their good nights. They were both supposed to be sleeping.
And Camila had tried. She had stared up at the ceiling, watching the darkness argue with the light. She had listened to the waves, attempting to find a rhythm that would soothe her. She had even counted 484 sheep before reaching the conclusion that sleep would never come.
So she had gone for a walk, and stumbled, quite unexpectedly, upon the form of Lauren Jauregui. In a moment of irrational panic, she had hidden. And now she felt ridiculous, like a voyeur. Like a ridiculous voyeur.
Still, she didn't reveal herself. It was far too tempting to remain hidden, to observe Lauren in her natural sate, without having to worry about staring too hard or too long. Even if she felt a little creepy, looming in the shadows like a crazy stalker.
Camila wanted to be brave. She wanted to walk up to Lauren and tell her, flat out, that her feelings ran deeper than simple friendship. That she was desperate to kiss her, even though the thought was as terrifying as it was exciting. Camila wanted to let it all out, to confess it all.
Maybe then, after the rejection that was sure to follow, she could move on. She was tired of driving herself insane with fantasies and what-if scenarios.
But she wasn't that brave. She could never say those things, even though she wanted to. Although, she would've never imagined saying the things she'd said to Lauren's mother. So, maybe there was a chance.
Camila let her attention drift back to the figure a few yards away. Life would be so much easier if people came with thought bubbles.
The footsteps startled her out of her thoughts. And she turned, surprised to find Camila walking toward her. She'd figured the artist was asleep. "How'd you know I'd be here?" she wondered.
Camila looked at her for a moment and then sat down. "What makes you think I was looking for you?" she teased.
"Couldn't sleep?" Lauren guessed.
"No," Camila admitted, staring out at the ocean. "I guess it's just been an overwhelming day."
Lauren nodded. Overwhelming indeed. She still hadn't figured out how she'd managed to come out to her mother. A part of her was still in denial about that.
"Well, I guess this is a good spot for insomniacs."
Camila was silent for a while, and Lauren struggled to keep her gaze from falling on the artist's face.
"Do you miss all of this when you're in New York?" Camila asked, glancing over.
"It's so peaceful compared to the City. Well, it's so peaceful in general, really."
"I do miss it," Lauren admitted. "But I'll be back here in a month or two."
"Oh," Camila said, with what Lauren thought was a hint of sadness. "I guess once you finish the movie you won't have a reason to stay in New York."
Lauren didn't know how to say that there was reason enough for her to stay. But that wasn't really the problem. "I have to come back and finish out the season of Guardian."
"Oh, right," Camila replied. "How much longer is the series running?"
"It could end this year," Lauren answered.
"But they asked me to renew the contract for two more seasons."
"That should keep you pretty busy, then," Camila replied.
Yes, very busy indeed. More movies, more TV shows, more promotional tours, more interviews. What was even the point in telling Camila how she felt? Lauren didn't have time for a relationship. "I haven't signed the contract yet," she found herself revealing.
Camila glanced at her in surprise. "Are you debating whether or not to continue?"
Lauren didn't know how to answer that.
The fact of the matter was that she'd had that contract in her possession for months. She'd discussed it with her lawyers. She had, in her mind, intended to spend the next two years in the role of Kiara. But she was hesitant. A very strong part of her didn't want to have that responsibility looming overhead. She wanted the option to do something else, or to do nothing at all. "Yes," she said finally. "Guess I am."
Camila nodded, but didn't ask for details.
"I'll miss you when you leave," she said, smiling, if a bit sadly. "I've gotten used to having you around."
The words made Lauren's heart skip a beat. "I'm keeping the apartment," she said, though she hadn't fully decided on that until that moment. "I'll be back."
"Good," Camila said.
They felt silent for a long time, listening to the waves. Lauren was desperate to say something. But she wanted to come up with something that was more than a random waste of breath to fill the silence.
She wanted to say something meaningful, something profound, something that would express, however minimally, the emotions coursing through her.
It bordered on painful, sitting there, inches away from the one person she longed for, and censor the only thoughts that really seemed to matter. Why was saying 'I love you' so difficult?
"Do you think it's weird?"
Lauren blinked, completely thrown by the question. "Do I think what's weird?"
"Us?"
"Us?" Lauren questioned.
Camila looked at her briefly before looking away. She pushed away the strands of hair blowing in her face and continued.
"That we're friends."
"Is it weird to you?"
"Sometimes," Camila admitted. "When I remember who you are."
"And who am I?" Lauren wanted to know.
She was suddenly intrigued by the turn in conversation.
"Lauren Jauregui , TV and film star," Camila answered. "You know, when we were in the airport, I saw about three magazines with you on the cover. And two that just mentioned you. It felt very strange. Like I was caught in the middle of a very bizarre dream."
Lauren didn't know how to respond to that. What was Camila trying to say?
"Does my fame bother you?"
Camila frowned and looked at the actress.
"Bother me? It impresses me. I look around at all of this and I am so amazed." She shook her head. "It doesn't bother me, Lauren . But it makes me a little sad."
"Why sad?"
"Because," Camila began, "before I got to know you, all I had to go by was what I saw of you on TV. You were that two-dimensional figure that was easy to hate because you didn't seem real. And it saddens me that there are people out there that will want to bring you down. That will want to hurt you because even outside of your television or movie roles, you seem to them, still a character."
Lauren stayed silent, a lump in her throat. She didn't trust her voice to speak.
"I should tell you that I think you're wonderful," Camila continued. "And I think anyone in this world would be incredibly lucky to be with you."
Lauren stared into brown eyes, made almost black by the darkness. She had to remind herself to breathe. She still couldn't speak. No one had ever said anything like that to her before. Not with such open sincerity. It made her heart ache. "Thanks," was her brilliant response.
"You're welcome," Camila replied.
This was her chance, Lauren realized. This was her opening. The moment to tell Camila everything, regardless of the consequences. Her heart was pounding so fast and hard that she could barely hear the waves above the noises in her chest. She wanted to think of the right words. She wanted to be clear that she didn't expect anything, and that nothing would change. She wanted, merely, to feel hope, if only for the brief second before Camila's reaction. It was that moment she was craving, the simple taste of something besides this bitter need.
"Lauren ," Camila said suddenly. "What is it you're looking for? In someone else, I mean."
Had she let the moment pass, Lauren wondered, feeling both relieved and disappointed that it was Camila who had spoken. "In what sense?"
"Why did you stop seeing Normani?" Camila asked softly.
Lauren frowned at the question, unsure of what to answer. The truth came easily to her mind, but she found it impossible to voice it.
"I didn't have feelings for her."
"But why?" Camila said, turning to face Lauren . "What about her wasn't what you were looking for?"
Lauren felt like a coward. She was tired of dancing around the questions, tired of avoiding the truth. "She wasn't you," she said, and for a second wasn't sure she'd actually spoken the words.
Camila stared at her for a long moment, which felt, to Lauren , like an eternity. "She wasn't me?" she asked hesitantly, as if afraid that she'd heard incorrectly. Or maybe afraid that she had heard correctly. Lauren couldn't be sure.
"Yes," Lauren answered simply, tearing her gaze away from Camila's eyes. She didn't want to see what she'd find there. A part of her wanted to cry. She felt such an overwhelming combination of fear and relief at that moment that she didn't know what to do with the emotions. She risked a glance at Camila's and found the artist staring at her. "Are you freaked out?" she asked, trying to keep her tone light, in spite of the fact that she was terrified.
"Just shocked," Camila answered. "And, I think... confused."
"About?"
"What you're trying to say," Camila answered.
Lauren felt something inside her give up.
"It doesn't matter," she said, looking away.
"I should get some sleep."
Camila didn't answer right away. But finally, she said, "Okay."
Disappointed, Lauren stood up, and brushed away the sand from the back of her pants. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
Camila glanced up at her and nodded. "Of course."
"Good night, Camila," Lauren said.
"Good night."
Lauren almost hesitated, wanting to say something else. Maybe she hadn't been clear enough, maybe she should say more. But what was the point? She had been dumb to think that admitting her feelings would change anything.
Resigned, she waved to Camila and headed toward the house.
Camila watched Lauren until the actress disappeared inside. What had just happened? One second she was working up the nerve to tell Lauren how she felt, and the next she was completely frozen.
She wasn't you...
The words replayed in Camila's mind until she thought her heart would fly out of her chest. Lauren had feelings for her. Lauren had feelings for her and Camila had let her go to bed. "I'm such an idiot," she said, thinking back to how she had reacted. She would've kicked herself if she wasn't so overwhelmed.
She had to go find her.
Somehow, she stifled the urge to run as she started after Lauren . She had to think clearly. She had to plan some sort of monologue. An apology for her recent stupidity might not be out of place, either.
Oh God, Lauren has feelings for me.
The realization of what that meant nearly knocked her off balance. She thought she might explode from the sheer overload of feelings.
But she resumed her steps, entering the house, and heading toward the stairs to the second floor. She felt like she was walking in slow motion. She felt like she was caught in a wonderful dream that was soon about to end. She wanted this moment to last forever, because she was terrified of the one that would follow.
She hadn't planned for anything that wasn't rejection. The notion that Lauren might feel the same way had merely lingered in the background with all of the other hopes and dreams that she wouldn't let herself think about. So, how could she know what to do?
She paused in front of Lauren's bedroom door. She could see a beam of yellow light escaping through the crack at the bottom, and the knowledge that Lauren was at the other side of this wooden barrier filled Camila with a longing so profound it made her want to cry.
After swallowing several times, she willed her hand to knock. And then she waited, dreading each second that passed, knowing any second now she'd be faced with a decision.
The doorknob turned; the beam of light grew bigger and bigger, until it was eclipsed by Lauren's body standing in the doorway. Camila stared hesitantly into confused green eyes, and felt all of her doubts and reservations slip away. "If I tell you I'm in love with you, will it freak you out?" she asked, thinking that moment surreal. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest. She wasn't certain she was breathing.
Lauren stared at her as if she couldn't decide if Camila was real or not. "What?" she asked finally.
Camila stepped closer as if guided by an invisible force that filled her with a courage she never knew she possessed.
She glanced briefly at Lauren's lips, wanting nothing more than to feel them against her own. She looked back up at Lauren's eyes, and saw a flash of something unrecognizable. "I love you," Camila said softly, hoping it would get through this time, trying, desperately, to cling to the hope that Lauren still meant what she'd said on the beach.
"Camila..." Lauren said, her voice uncertain.
"You don't have to say it back," Camila said, quickly, afraid that she had said too much. "I just wanted you to know." She started to step back, but Lauren took her hand. Camila wasn't sure how she hadn't had a heart attack yet. She was certain that what her heart was doing at that moment wasn't healthy. Camila glanced down at their hands, unsure of what to make of the gesture, unsure that any of this was even really happening.
Tentatively, she stared up into green eyes, and waited.
Lauren was panicking. Her entire brain had frozen the second Camila had begun to speak. There were so many things she wanted to say; to ask, but she was rendered mute by the impact of the moment.
So many things were happening inside her mind at one time that she didn't know where to begin. She wanted to go back, to examine every memory for evidence that what Camila was telling her was true.
Lauren wanted to sit down and break apart each seemingly inconsequential moment, to find the buried fragments of dismissed phrases, the tossed-out pieces of unimportant words. How much had been apparent? How much had she ignored?
"Please say something," Camila said.
Lauren snapped out of her thoughts, suddenly aware that she was holding Camila's hand; unsure of how that had happened. She stared down at their intertwined fingers, trying to buy time. She was uncertain of what to say; what to do; how to act. "You're ... you ..."
Camila offered her a half smile. "Do you have trouble without a script, Miss Jauregui?" she teased.
Lauren didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She glanced down at their hands again, and then at Camila's face. 'I love you' just didn't seem like enough to convey what she was feeling. How could three words express all of the nights and days and hours, minutes, seconds, spent fantasizing over this moment, while feeling, all of the while, that it would never come?
There were no words, at all. There was only the silence filled with shortened intakes of breath. There were only the occasional muted sounds of something indistinct and undecipherable, barely audible above the intensity of the moment. There was only the act of opening a door to find everything she had ever wished, and hoped, and prayed for, standing in the doorway.
She caught Camila's staring at her lips, then look away as if embarrassed.
Lauren's heart raced, and skipped, and pounded; she felt her entire body both tremble and freeze. Time lost all meaning, all existence. Lauren became aware only of the fact that Camila's lips looked so beautiful, and soft, and incredibly inviting.
And though they were only inches from her own, they seemed like miles away.
It was Camila's turn to catch her staring, and their gazes locked for a split second before fading behind closing eyelids.
Lauren lost track of whether or not she was breathing, noticing only the heat of Camila' body pressing slowly against hers. She lowered her head and her lips brushed against softness so sweet, she almost pulled away from the onslaught of emotion.
She felt Camila ' body stiffen, then relax into her, pulling her closer. Their lips met briefly, came apart for a split second, before meeting again. Lauren's entire body felt ready to explode with sensation.
She thought she might melt, or become consumed by the simple pleasure of feeling Camila's ' mouth moving against her own.
Camila pressed into her, moaned against her lips, kissed her deeper, until Lauren thought she might pass out. Her entire body screamed and trembled and burned with a wonderful heat that spread through every fiber of her being. She let it wash over her like a tidal wave of immeasurable bliss, and surrendered completely to the moment, until finally, after what felt like a century spent in a blink of an eye, she pulled her lips away, and whispered, "I love you, too."