Luna Larsson
He just sat there, staring at me, the guilt dripping from his eyes. "Luna." He whispered, rubbing his hands over his face. "I don't even know how to tell you..." Just tell me you're cheating!
"Just do Zander. I don't care how!" I raised my voice and I felt the tears go down my face and I hated myself for it, I hated myself that I cared, that I let anyone hurt me, that I was crying over a guy that doesn't care about me. If only I could just tell myself I'd be better off without him, but I couldn't. I just didn't quite believe that, his sift side luring me in every time.
He looked at me, his lips parted with shock, and he took a deep breath to go on and talk. "I was drunk after our argument last night, I didn't even know what I was doing half of the time and then I ran into her, Katy, and we talked..." He shrugged, but I had a feeling that wasn't all they did. "I didn't know what was happening when she kissed me out of the blue." I knew it. "Trust me please... It meant nothing!" That's what they all say! "Absolutely nothing! I didn't feel anything... It almost made me sick when I realized what happened, all I could think about was you. I came back to my room after it happened, I needed to see you, to hold you. Please..." You did? "I wanted to tell you, I just didn't know how... I knew it would upset you and, we had that argument, I thought that..." He shook his head, his eyes focused on the tears coming out of mine, while trying to hold back his own. "I thought that you would break up with me then and there...I- I'm sorry." I sighed, rubbing his eyes.
"Oh..." So, I was right... But he was really drunk...and... I looked up at him, tears in the corners of his eyes. He looked so vulnerable, so weak and scared, terrified almost.
"Oh? What does that mean? Please say something else than oh..." He panicked as he grabbed my hand, this time I let him. "I didn't get the chance to stop her, I swear." He squeezed my fingers, desperately holding on to me tightly, but I was speechless, my thoughts a whirlwind of different emotions. "Baby..." He pleaded and I wanted to punch him, run away from him but also make him hold me, be near me. "Dammit I don't want to lose you over this..." He begged, pulling me into his arms as he held on to me like he was never going to let go. I can't think straight! Are we over, are we not! I don't know, I don't want to know, not now. My head is going to explode! I needed to think, to get facts straight and to stop imagining him kissing a stunning girl called Katy for 2 whole seconds. All he did was hold me tight, burying his face into the hollow of my neck. I can't think like this. My arms folded around his neck, hugging him back while I plainly stared at the frames on my wall. I don't know... I just don't know.
"I think you should go." I suddenly spilled, the words flying faster out of my mouth than my mind could think about them.
"What? No!" He freaked, pulling his head away from my neck and that was when I saw his tear stained cheeks. "We're going to talk about this." He whispered, cupping my face, so I had to look him in the eye.
I reacted, pushing him away from me, his hands quickly falling to his side, disappointment swallowing him whole. "I have a throbbing headache Zander! You're only making it worse. Just stop!" I snapped, shaking my head between my hands.
"I'm not leaving!" He snapped back, his hand latching onto my thigh.
"Yes you are." I raised my voice to level his, pushing his hand away from my leg, but he wasn't letting me.
"Don't do this. Don't push me away!" I kept trying to push his hand away but his other one grabbed my wrist, making me stop. "You told me to be fucking honest! I was, and now you're giving me crap for it!"
I shook my head, nearly hissing at him. "I'm not giving you crap for it! I'm just not feeling fucking well!" I yelled and everything in the room seemed to stop to exist. His face dropped as he let go of my thigh and wrist, quickly wiping his tears away.
"Do you need some water? Something for your headache? Anything?" He whispered calmly yet the storm of worry in his eyes showed how sincere he was, or at least I hoped for it.
"A boyfriend that doesn't go around kissing other girls maybe." I could barely say it, overcome with emotions.
He slightly opened his mouth but the words weren't coming fluently, stuck in his throat which was probably pinched shut like mine. "She kissed me."
"Poor you." I heard my own voice break, just like the rest of me when something about him changed.
His hand grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. "I dropped everything for you to pick you up from the hospital. I'm being fucking honest, like you asked me to be. Dammit! I'm telling you I love you over and over yet you don't seem to want to hear it!" He said, almost begging. "I have never told anybody else before, so when I fucking tell you I love you it means something! You make me a better person Luna, don't push me away because some girl came onto me when I was just too drunk to resist... Don't forget I was drunk because of you!" His words cut into me like knifes, stabbing me in the chest, making me feel guilty about asking for his honesty, but not being able to handle it. The grip on my chin became a soft caress, his thumb brushing over my trebling lip.
I looked down, as I felt sobs preventing me to breathe, tears making my vision blurry and my thoughts consuming me with guilt. I ruined it, again. I am doing this to us. "I'm sorry..." I whimpered, uncomfortably.
"Hey, don't cry..." He whispered, holding on to both sides of my face like I was made from glass, about to shatter any second. I sure felt like it. "Please." He mouthed, bringing my face closer to his and I let him, his lips almost touching mine.
"Do you think it's fun to hear your boyfriend say he locked lips with another girl... She's probably ten times prettier too..." I whimpered once more, my voice shattering against his lips. Thoughts of him kissing some stunning girl wandered through my head and devoured all of my anger only to spit it out into a ball of guilt. If I hadn't pushed him away he wouldn't have gotten drunk, none of this would have happened. But, this isn't right, Sophia would say... I'm not supposed to feel like this, in love and heartbroken at the same time.
"She's not..." He instantly erupted my bubble of assumptions. "She's not baby. You're everything." He whispered while he pulled me further into him, his nose lovingly sliding against mine. "I promise you, it didn't mean anything. I didn't feel a single thing. I... If... I would never kiss another girl... I wouldn't make that first move."
I shook my head in his heads, my forehead falling against his as I closed my eyes. "If you're lying to me Zander... I swear I-"
"Hey, look at me... I'm not, okay." He pushed my face back a little, the look in his eyes concerned. "I wouldn't lie to you Luna. I would never cheat on you either." He said sternly, looking me right in the eye, so I could tell if he was lying. I didn't know if he was as my head said run while my heart begged to stay.
"So just a kiss?" I whispered, and I saw tears stinging his eyes once more as he nodded. "And it didn't mean anything?" My voice broke one last time.
"Not a damn thing." His voice broke just as much.
"Good." I bit my bottom lip to prevent another sob from falling off my lips.
"Are we?" He said through all of his emotions, his face scrunched in a terrified frown. "I really don't want to lose you." He held on to my face like I was about to slip through his fingers and tears fell down his cheeks.
"Zander, I don't want to lose you either." I looked at him and my hand reached out to wipe away his tear stains. "But if you're lying we're done..." I whispered, looking down.
"I'm not, please. Trust me." He begged shaking my head a little.
"Fine, but please don't make me regret it." I was begging him now, asking him not to break my heart with another set of lies.
"I promise." He whispered, leaning in until our lips touched so softly it made me forget. His soft lips pulled me in, hypnotized me and made me want to kiss him back. He let me please him, dance my tongue against his, a sort of affection we both needed at that moment, to claim each other our own. "Tell me you love me too." He whispered between our kisses, my hand searching for his.
"I do." I whispered faintly against his lips, my fingers intertwining with his
"That's not enough." He smirked against my lips. "You're saying that on purpose to make me react." He growled. His hands quickly left my face, to find their way down my side and he pulled me onto his lap, surprising me, and making me let out a gasp. "Say it Luna." He whispered huskily, his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. "The whole thing." He made me suck in a breath when his forehead fell into mine and when I wanted to taste his lips he pulled back, not granting me it until I said whatever he wanted to hear.
"I love you too." I whispered, instantly going for his lips the second the words left my mouth.
"Good girl." He rolled us over and my back suddenly hit the mattress, his lips coming for mine again, quickly pecking them before pulling away completely.
"What are you doing?" I looked at him with wide eyes when he got up from the bed, leaving me cold.
"Getting you some ice for your head, ice cream for your empty stomach, and your computer so, my lady and I, can watch her favorite shows until she falls asleep." He smirked resting his hands at the edge of the bed, a smirk plastered on across his lips and it made me melt on the spot.
"Oh, that's actually... Sweet." I nearly giggled at his attempt to treat me, good.
"You know I can be." He chuckled before turning on his heel out of my room, but not without looking back to see the look on my face. Sometimes you can.
"One ice pack and one bucket of chocolate chip mint ice-cream." Zander came back into the room. "That's all you had, so... Is it your favorite flavor or Sophia's?" He said grinning ear to ear.
"Wait you don't know my favorite ice cream flavor when I talk about it at least six times a week?" I frowned at him, when he flopped down on the bed next to me.
"I'm just teasing you babe, I know this is your favorite... I actually pay attention to what you say." He wiggled his eyebrows at me while handing me a spoon and the way he was trying to be funny to cheer me up made me snigger.
"Oh yeah?" I dared him, widening my eyes while I claimed the tub of ice cream, the astounded look on his face worth it.
"Oh so you're that hungry huh?" He looked at my face and then back to the tub in my hands, my spoon already digging into it. He just watched and grabbed the ice pack, softly holding it against the side of my head. "I notice a lot of things actually..." He whispered, the back of his hand caressing my cheek suddenly gave me butterflies.
"Like what?" I barely said, completely mesmerized by his tender eyes and the softness of his touch.
"Like you seemed really upset when you came back from your scans."
"I don't know what you're talking about..." I shrugged my shoulders as I put a full spoon of ice cream in my mouth, denying that in fact I was rattled earlier.
The worry on his face became greater the more I played it off. "Is everything alright? It's just a concussion, right? Or d-"
"I'm fine." I shook my head, aggressively sticking my spoon into the tub. He just kept staring at me, his gaze begging me to talk. "It's my mom..." I sighed deeply. "All the scans and tests... It made me think of her and what she went through when she got diagnosed with the brain tumor. All the treatment, the pain... The way she ended up after the operation. She went through more than a year of hospital visits and tests and scans and pain only to end up like a vegetable, after doing the one thing she thought would save her! I don't want th-"
"Sshh, come here baby." Zander whispered with concern, as he took the tub away from my hands, to put it on my night table, so I could fall into his warm supporting arms. "I'm sorry." He whispered into my hair, rocking me back and forth. "She might be gone, but she loves you. She's here with you." He said, his embrace around me tighter, his hand laying softly over my heart while he let me deal with the hurt and the emptiness in it, even after so many years. The hurt and the ups and down of the day ate away all of my energy, making me cry myself asleep into the comfort of Zander's arms. He was not minster perfect, but he tried, and he was there for me when I needed him, not ever doubting me or us. He was there unconditionally, to listen to me rant about shitty professors and getting kicked of cheer, to watch me cry when I told him why it was just me and my dad, and comfort me every second of the way, to cheer me up when I was low even if he was the cause, to laugh with me about our own stupid inside jokes. He tried, even if it wasn't always enough.
"Baby..." He whispered softly into my ear and my eyes were fighting to stay shut, still exhausted and disoriented.
"What time is it." I groaned into his chest.
"It's nine p.m., we fell asleep." He whispered softly, cautious about me having a possible headache.
"Wasn't that the point?" I groaned again, wrapping my arms around him to hold him still. "You're a great pillow." I hummed into his chest, earning a chuckle.
"I know I am, I like being your pillow, but I can't stay." He whispered and that instantly made me open my eyes and pout my lips.
"What?" I pouted, looking up at his sleepy head.
"I have to get up early for practice..." He shook his head with disappointment. "I don't want to wake you up, you need to sleep as much as you can, and I don't have my gear in the car, so I would have to hurry going back to my place to grab it and it's just too much of a fuss." Well, that's a lousy excuse.
"Okay." I pouted, turning around in his arms to face him with my back. Hockey first, right...
"Baby, don't act like this." He whispered, spooning me from behind as he buried his face in the back of my neck, surprising me with soft kisses. "I want you to get a good night sleep, so you're not grumpy tomorrow." He chuckled, his fingers softy tickling my sides. "I love grumpy Luna too, don't get me wrong." He tickled me more and even though my ribs were hurting from falling and my entire body was aching and stiff, the softness of his tickles were making me laugh. "Only, well rested Luna is less dangerous to be around." He laughed and he earned himself a gasp.
"Alright, alright. Stop tickling me. Stop Zander." I laugh while begging him at the same time. "Cease fire! Cease fire!" I screamed through my room.
"Only because you asked so nicely." His laugh joined mine before I felt his hands disappear around me along with his presence in the bed. "Baby?" He whispered, while he sat back down at the edge of the bed, his hand brushing the hair away from my face.
"Yeah?" I looked at him, and took in the sight of his messy dirty blonde hair.
"Please do me a favor... Don't read the messages I send to you earlier, before I knew you were in the hospital. I was upset, thinking you were intentionally ignoring me." He lowered his gaze like he was ashamed, and it scared me to think about the things he could have said. "I didn't mean any of them."
"Don't worry." I said, but still curious. He smiled softly before getting off the bed but I grabbed his arm, pulling him back. "Thank you, for coming to the hospital and bringing me home."
He smiled, bending down to softy kiss my forehead. "Anything." He whispered before getting out of the room.
"Have fun at practice!" I yelled after him the moment the door flew shut. Practice? Tomorrow is Tuesday... Cheer has the ice on Tuesday mornings? Right? At that moment I realized, it was nothing but an excuse not to stay... But why lie about it, again... "The fuck!" I yelled through the room, giving myself a headache. Now all I could think of was to read those messages even though he asked me not to... Why shouldn't I? Just when I thought we were okay, I caught him in one of his lies, another one. Nervously I grabbed my phone from my bag before sitting down against to comfort of headboard and pillows. 7 unread messages, 2 missed calls, 1 voicemail. Shit!
Zander (2:12 p.m.): You want to talk? After you walked out in a rage this morning? I don't know, should we? You seemed perfectly fine at the café...
Zander (2:56 p.m.): So, now you can't even txt back, at least say something... You clearly don't care...
I do, I do care Zander! I was skating, then I fell. God dammit, I fucking care! I was getting a tight feeling around my chest while reading his texts and I was afraid to continue, because he was right that by not reading them I would be doing him a favor, and at this moment it was getting very difficult to remember sweet and caring Zander from earlier that night, because this one, I did not like at all.
Zander (3:19 p.m.): You know what? I don't get you! What's up with... You always have something 2 say and now you think it's a good time 2 ignore me! Fuck you Luna.
Zander (3:42 p.m.): Fucking pick up your damn phone when I call you... You don't have class right now so, no excuses. You're really making it so damn difficult 2 try and work it out.
Zander (3:46 p.m.): Just txt me! Don't ignore me, I don't have time 4 this shit!
Zander (4:17 p.m.): I have had enough! After yesterday and this morning I'm really wondering why we are 2gether! You're not even trying to fix it... I'm getting FUCKING tired of this shit Luna!
Zander (4:26 p.m.): If you don't pick up your stupid phone right now when I call you, I'm fucking done with you! I'm not gonna care anymore about you, us! You clearly don't, so why should I!
What? I swallowed the lump of heartache in my throat, knowing I still had a voicemail to listen to and knowing he basically broke up with me. Is he serious?! No, he can't! We can't... How can he be like this one moment and care for me and fight for us just an hour later. Tears were already blurring the room around me but I held back, not wanting to cry another tear today. With fear rushing through my veins I listened to my voicemail, expecting the harshness of his voice to crush me entirely.
"So, you're not even picking up your phone! What the fuck! You wanted to talk! I'm fucking trying to talk, but you're just going to ignore me now! I don't get it! I don't get you and I don't know if I want to try to get you anymore! You're fucking wasting my time! And this morning, you really had to start and pick a fight when I told you I was hungover, so don't you dare to blame me Luna! You're the reason we're in this mess now, and I'm trying to fix it! But either you're too lazy to pick up your phone or busy screwing another guy maybe! I don't fucking know! I don't think I care if you a-"
His voice was beyond angry, his tone menacing and the way he spitted his words at me affected me deeply. I was somewhere relieved the voicemail cut him off. Screwing another guy! How dare he assume I would! He's literally breaking up with me here! What the fuck! My raging thoughts were making me cry, my heart breaking, making me sick. I need to get some fucking air! I rushed to the window, to let in a cold breeze and when I looked up at the sky it was so clear every star was visible, surrounding a brilliant moon. The moon always made me think of my mom, because after all she named me after it. Each time I watched the moon it would make me feel like she was there with me, shining bright on all my dark.
"Mom, what do I do! Today has been a total mess!" I sobbed, tears now no longer imprisoned in my eyes but free falling down my cheeks. "I don't know if I can do it... I don't know if I see the point! How did you? How were you always so strong, even when everything around, your hopes and dreams and even your brain was crumbling down? How?! I can't even keep my tears to myself when I promised you never to cry over a guy! How will I be able to handle all the rest coming on my path! Everything is a mess! Everything! I'm studying psychology and I can't even analyze my own problems, I can't even give myself some decent advise how to stay sane through all of this." I was yelling, sobbing, letting it all out. "I'm not like you... I don't know what to do!" I shook my head, my hands going through my hair. "Write it off, I need to write it off!" I shook my head once more, already going to my desk to find some pen and paper.
When my mom passed away, we found a box of letters in her dresser, some addressed to me, some to my dad. She explained it helped her get through her roughest moments, so I took her advice and sat down behind my desk, head held high, cheeks dry and my pen a weapon to deal with this mess. That moment I wrote my first letter, one addressed to myself, writing down my feelings on a piece of paper, and god, did it feel liberating.
I don't know what I'm going to do with the whole Zander situation, not a fucking clue, but that's something to worry about tomorrow. Right now I feel good, at peace, and I'm not going to let someone take that away from me, definitely not him.
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💛 Hi Loves! For once not a cliffhanger-ish ending! It was a long one I'm sorry but I hope it was worth it <3
🌙 Do you think she's done with him? And what will happen next?
⭐️ Don't forget to hit the star if you liked it!