◦ *˳༄ OF PAPER CLIPPINGS AND PUB CRAWLS
❨ prologue. ❩ ━━━ part ii
✦
2000.
◦ *˳ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ˳* ◦
❨ July 31st. ❩
HARRY POTTER'S SECRET HEARTACHE:
"I Did Not Die For This!", He Confesses To A Close Friend
Had this been any other year, Witch Weekly would have wished Mr. Potter a very happy 20th birthday. But alas, it seems this year the young man is subject to suffering the woes of love on his special day. Yes, as unfortunate and devastating as this news is, readers of Witch Weekly, it is indeed true: Harry Potter has had his heart broken yet again.
You would think being the savior of the Wizarding World would get you anything - or rather, any girl - you want. But turns out, like the rest of us mere mortals, even the famed Harry Potter cannot have the perfect lovelife. Our very own Donna Blishen, contributor of the fan favorite A Steaming Cauldron column, recently sat down for tea with a friend close to the Boy Who Lived and learned some shocking, and a few alarming, bits of news. Witch Weekly, faithful and patient readers, can exclusively reveal that the notoriously secretive Harry Potter was dumped just last weekend by the stunningly pretty Ginny Weasley, who Quidditch fanatics might know as Chaser for the Holyhead Harpies, and on the wedding day of one of his closest friends no less!
A source close to Harry Potter reveals he spent the majority of last weekend tucked away in a corner of the Three Broomsticks, drinking away his sorrows, no doubt. Several customers have said he had been accompanied by an unnamed but very pretty brunette. One server, who has worked at the popular bar for one and three quarter decades now, said he overheard Mr. Potter claim, "I have never felt so lonely in my entire life. I did not die for this, you know."
Can you hear that? That is the sound of hundreds of hearts breaking across the nation.
This breakup has come at the tail of a slew of reports regarding tensions between Harry Potter and the Ministry of Magic. Just days prior to the wedding of his close friend Justin Finch-Fletchley, Harry Potter's rumored row with senior Auror, Axel Creswell, ended in the young hero's suspension from the Auror Office. There were also multiple rumors earlier this year of him being put on probation within the Auror Office, as well as several Ministry employees claiming they witnessed a rather brutish brawl between Harry Potter and his supposed best friend, Ronald Weasley. Then there are the rumors of him being banned from the Leaky Cauldron, his whirlwind romance with Romilda Vane, and investment in the National League-favorites, Puddlemere United. We won't even begin detailing Mr. Potter's involvement this past February in the now infamous fiasco that was the Malfoys' trial.
So what happened between the star-crossed lovers? Well, the answers to that question are several and colorful. Perhaps Mr. Potter's quick temper that finally drove his girlfriend away? Was it rumors of Ms. Weasley's budding friendship with Martyn Higshaw, the up and coming Beater for England's national team, that drove the wedge between the couple? Or had it something to do with her recent dalliance with ex-boyfriend, David Thomas, with whom she was seen out and about during Easter? Perhaps the rumors of Ms. Weasley's increasing obsession to lead the Holyhead Harpies to victory this season, and her subsequent lack of interest in her boyfriend, were indeed true. If so, one must ask Ms. Weasley whether sacrificing her relationship was worth it in the end? Judging by how elusive and tight-lipped these two have always been regarding their romance, it seems as if all we can do now is wait patiently to learn the truth of this heartbreaking matter.
In the meantime, all of us here at Witch Weekly sincerely hope that Mr. Potter's heartache abates, and that he soon finds love and stability with a woman more deserving than his previous sweethearts. And ladies, if you're wondering what it is Mr. Potter looks for in a woman, turn to page 24 for our exclusive piece: 10 Ways to Woo the Savior of the Wizarding World (No Love Potions or Glamor Charms Needed!) by Donna Blishen.
━━━━━━━━━━━
THE Auror finished reading the article out loud and gave a small laugh, the dulcet sound echoing in the otherwise deserted Auror Office. It was well past nine now, far too late for anyone to linger behind in the dimly lit, crowded office. And yet, two lone Aurors remained seated in a cubicle near the far end of the room, a quill – which should have been two, had the other man had his way – continued scratching across a length of parchment.
"Looks like the ladies finally know how to get to your heart, mate. They'll be lining up outside your door any day now."
Harry rolled his eyes, his hand barely stopping as he continued detailing the day's events. "I'm bursting with joy."
"Don't let Ginny hear you say that," laughed Neville, "she'll definitely burst something, and I don't think it'll be an altogether pleasant experience for you."
Harry gave a short laugh but said nothing.
"These articles really do get more and more rubbish by the day." Neville threw the magazine into a wastepaper basket, which belched lowly. "Don't know how you don't go mental."
"Half a bottle of firewhisky and a talent for ignoring people, that's how," answered Harry with a wry smile.
"You make it sound easy. Wish I could've learnt to do this."
"Why? Don't tell me you're complaining about being the winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Bachelor..."
Neville groaned. "Don't bring it up again! I only just managed to forget it."
"Well, I haven't," grinned Harry, "I'm still offended I wasn't chosen... come to think of it, I wasn't even in the top 5."
"Something you're secretly very relieved about."
"To be completely honest with you, I'm openly very relieved about it. I don't think I could handle the embarrassment."
"You're not helping, mate."
Harry only shook his head goodnaturedly as he poured over the files spread across his table. After a few minutes of silence, when the clock chimed ten, Neville spoke again.
"Well, that's me done then," he yawned, scrambling to his feet and shrugging on a brilliantly blue macintosh. Harry rolled up the piece of parchment he had been scribbling away at and pulled a fresh roll of parchment from a cabinet beside his desk, while Neville grabbed his battered leather briefcase. The latter raised a brow and asked, "Sure you're alright finishing that report on the Dinkleshirth case by yourself?"
Doing his best to keep the wariness he felt from surfacing, Harry nodded. "It's almost finished anyway. I'll turn it in before I head home."
"Brilliant. See you Monday then?"
"Don't get your hopes up," said Harry darkly, finally looking up and pointing towards a stack of purple files at the end of his desk, "I'll be seeing you much sooner than that."
"Bummer."
"Thank Creswell," muttered Harry, returning his attention to the blasted report that was gnawing away at his remaining sanity, "he's the one who scheduled a meeting with all the Ollertons on a Sunday."
"For last week's missing person's case?"
"That's the one."
Neville swore under his breath. "Bloody- one weekend, that's all I'm asking..."
Harry offered him a sympathetic grin. "Go home, Neville, and have a whole Saturday off. Best be gone before something happens and that changes."
"Knowing our luck, I wouldn't be surprised," said Neville, though he too smiled. "G'night, Harry."
"'Night."
It was well past twelve by the time Harry stumbled into his flat. Empty and silent, the sliver of moonlight filtering through between the curtains illuminated the small space just enough for Harry to make out the new addition to his living room: a small pile of presents resting by his fireplace, a few containers of a now cold dinner sitting atop them. With an audible sigh, he trudged across the room and down the narrow hall, falling into bed without another coherent thought. He had drifted away into a fitful sleep before his brain could register the piece of folded parchment waiting for him on the other end of the bed.
✦
2001.
◦ *˳ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ˳* ◦
❨ December 25th. ❩
Segment from the Wizarding Wireless Network
HOLIDAY SPELL:
A CHRISTMAS DAY BROADCAST
"Merry Christmas Ye' Filthy Hippogriffs! Oh... uh huh, looks like I'm not supposed to be rude on air, or so says my boss who, instead of staying home with his family and letting us all have a blessed day, is on the other side of the studio and miming angrily at me. Sorry, boss, sorry. Pleased to, er, have you with us."
"Anyways, as is customary for Christmas Day, several notable politicians, celebrities, and people of varying importance have issued their Christmas greetings for the Wizarding World of Great Britain and Scotland. Singing legend and every Brit's favorite Celestina Warbeck, for instance, has wished everyone a very merry Christmas. In the spirit of giving, she has also donated a thousand and seven galleons to the Sage Nymph Foundation, which provides funds to underprivileged students at Hogwarts. She has also urged the Wizarding community to consider supporting the charitable organization founded by the late Augustine Marigold, adding that "even a single sickle from you will mean a future to someone else." Ms. Warbeck also visited the Hogwarts Home for Underage Witches and Wizards earlier today to have a celebratory lunch with the children there and sign copies of her new album."
"Gwenog Jones, captain of the Holyhead Harpies also sends her seasons greeting, and has asked the Wizarding community to get sloshed. Her teammate, Andrea Langley, insists that "Gwenog was joking, naturally. Please drink responsibly this holiday season,". Wise words from Ms. Langley who coincidentally has just launched her own brand of gin, which comes in flavors such as raspberry, treacle, and rose. Just a fun fact, don't read too much into it folks."
"Anyways... let's see who else... ah, yes! Former Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge, also sends his well wishes to the Wizarding community and remarks upon the strength and reliance of our nation for not only having survived the Second Wizarding War but for also pulling itself back together so graciously. Funny of him to say this considering it is his incompetence that landed us into this godforsaken mess in the first place — oh, fu...dging hell, sorry. Wasn't supposed to say that either apparently. Comments. About. Ministry. Off. Limits. Gotcha, boss."
"Oh, speaking of the Ministry reminds me, it seems congratulations are in order for Ms. Hermione Granger of the Department for Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, whose proposal for collaborating with the Wizarding Union of Europe to mandate fair wages for underrepresented magical creatures, such as house elves and werewolves, was given the green light earlier this week. Meant to send out well wishes to Ms. Granger on behalf of all of us here at Wizarding Wireless Network yesterday evening itself, but my ruddy boyfriend had to go ahead and dump me on Christmas Eve — thanks for being a prick, Alan — so I got distracted and drunk with my best friend, and – oh... right, can't call a prick a prick on national radio either."
"Okay! Okay! Before I end up saying something else that's considered rude by some prude – ooh, all that mulled wine from lunch is kicking in now – uh, let's take a break from my rambling and instead listen to the newest single by up and coming singer Ruby Magnus, featuring the Weird Sisters. The song is called "Pixie Promises", and this is your host Paisley Latimer, coming to you live all the way from Central London. Stay tuned for more information about our annual Christmas giveaway that is being sponsored by Weasley's Wizard Wheezes this year, the hottest holiday sales around the nation, and, of course, tons of feel-good music! The latest hits from Celestina Warbeck, the Crooked Cauldron, The Felixes, and more only on Holiday Spell, your best and favorite Christmas Day broadcast. But first, here's Ruby Magnus with The Weird Sisters."
✦
2002.
◦ *˳ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ˳* ◦
❨ May 1st. ❩
Excerpts from Interdepartmental Memos,
Ministry Of Magic.
11:15 am - 11:33 am
HARRY — what say we grab lunch at 1? Excellent! Knew you'd say yes. Still, write back and say yes so I'm not waiting for you like an idiot. Anyways, Mikey next door says there's a great chippy down Whitehall. He's a smarmy git, but he knows his food.
RW.
✦
Dear Harry,
Hope your ankle's doing better. I heard from Ron yesterday that you injured it last Tuesday on a raid in Southampton? I really hope you're alright. We should meet up for drinks after work sometime this week. Maybe tomorrow? Let me know asap.
Now, onto the other important thing I have to say:
DON'T go with Ron to that stupid chippy he's been raving about (he let it slip when he was in here earlier to get some documentation for the Transportation of Dangerous Creatures, Class IV. What's that all about? He wouldn't say...) The two of you need to focus on the Ichabod disappearances; it might be a defining case for both your careers. Chippy can wait - go grab a sandwich from the cafeteria.
Please, Harry. Don't get distracted, and don't take work for granted. You'll both regret it.
Love,
H. J. Granger
p.s.: What's this I'm hearing about a new girlfriend? I was gone for 2 weeks, and now I barely know what's going on in your life.
✦
R,
you're a cubicle away.
why the memos?
—H
Hermione,
good to know you're back from geneva.
hope you got your signatures.
—H
✦
MATE – Proudfoot and Cresswell will say I'm not working if they see me talking to you, won't they? so 1?
RW.
✦
Harry,
Answer my post script!
✦
R,
you aren't working.
but sure. main lobby. 1pm.
bring an umbrella/raincoat.
—H
Hermione,
don't believe everything you hear.
do i really still have to say that??
—H
p.s.: your boyfriend's a nosy git who thrives on spreading rumors about me around the office and basks in my ensuing embarrassment. If he doesn't return from lunch today, assume it was me who did him in.
P.p.s: dinner tmrw at 6? I doubt Ron will be around to make it...
✦
Harry,
You're a little angry with him. I can tell because you wrote more than two sentences in your memo. Don't let him bring you down.
I'll talk to him. Take care.
Love,
H. J. Granger
p.s.: dinner tomorrow at 6 sounds lovely! Can't wait to see you. It's been so long since the three of us got together for a bite.
✦
I can't believe you're skiving off work to get lunch! I'm starting to think you deserve Ron's pranks.
–H. J. Granger
✦
Excerpts from Interdepartmental Memos,
Ministry Of Magic.
1:57 pm - 2:05pm
Hermione,
say, what do you know about Alihotsy?
class a subs. or b? origins? uses?
...can one die of Alihotsey poisoning?
—H
✦
Go read a book.
–H. J. Granger
✦
❨ December 31st. ❩
"CHUG! Chug! Chug!"
Despite the nausea coursing through him, Ezra felt a small laugh bubbling in his throat as he watched his best friend consume what looked like the entire quota of beer he was likely to find at a house party during his high school days. The crowd around his other man kept cheering him on, and Alex, a dopey grin on his face, kept downing one lager after another. Mildly amused, Ezra almost pitied the young man for the hangover he would no doubt be nursing tomorrow morning.
Wiping a hand across his sweaty brow, Ezra looked away from the sight of his best friend standing on the table and continued pushing through the crowd to reach the corner where the rest of his friends were sat.
"There you are!" exclaimed a tall boy whose name Ezra could not remember. That was odd, he knew, because the tall boy and him had definitely met before. "We were just talking about where to go next."
"Next?"
"Yup," replied Sunny, looking at him wide wide eyes, her face flushed, "we can't call it a pub crawl if we visit just 3 bars..."
"Right," mumbled Ezra, massaging his temples, "pub crawl, of course."
He wondered why he ever let Sunny talk him into this. Three drinks in, and he could already feel sobriety slipping through his fingers like sand. He shook his head. He couldn't afford to get drunk tonight, no matter that it was the one night they were all supposed to be getting drunk.
"I can't," he called over the din of the crowd, "sorry, but I have to... what was I...? Right, I have to catch a flight tomorrow. 'M going back to Texas, remember? I should go pack."
"You're leaving?" slurred one of the other boys. "No..."
"I am," Ezra grimaced, "I'll see you guys after the break, yeah?"
"When semester starts?" asked Sunny, leaning forward, and Ezra saw her eyes were slightly unfocused.
He nodded. Reaching out to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, he whispered, "But I'll see you tomorrow before I leave, yeah?"
She grinned and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Love you."
With a small smile, Ezra managed to pull on his jacket and grabbed his scarf, bidding his tipsy friends a goodbye he was sure they would not remember.
Exiting the pub, Ezra let out a long sigh of relief, the bitingly cold night air soothing his burning skin. He'd walked a few paces down the pathway when his stomach lurched painfully, his feet stumbling over themselves. He steadied himself against the damp brick wall, inhaling deeply, once; twice; until his head stopped spinning. A few minutes passed. Finally, with considerable effort, he pushed away from the wall and turned into the brightly-lit, confetti filled cobblestone street behind the pub, hurrying down the pavement and towards his dormitory.
✦
2003.
◦ *˳ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ˳* ◦
❨ January 2nd. ❩
Student, 19, Found Dead In Downtown London Pub. Investigations Under Process.
The body of a student, 19, was discovered yesterday, in the early hours of January the 1st, in the bathroom of a popular London pub, The Crossed Keys. Since then, the body has been identified as that of a student at Middlesex University, but no name or further details have been disclosed as of yet. Authorities remain tight-lipped when asked about this new case, which is the sixth instance of a college student being found dead in London. Two of the previous five deaths have been put down to a case of drug overload, while the other three cases have been classified as homicides, investigations for which are currently ongoing. The cause of death for the sixth victim remains undisclosed.
A press conference has been scheduled by the Scotland Yard for 5PM tomorrow to address the growing safety concerns amongst residents of Greater London...