Author's Note: As the title says, this story contains self-harm. Please don't read if that topic upsets you. Also, you all are beautiful and wonderful, so please don't ever hurt yourselves. Talk to your friends, your family, your doctor, or whomever you are comfortable with. Even if it feels like you're alone, you're not.
Levi sat on the edge of his bed, the last of the sun's rays illuminating the blade he held to his already-scarred skin.
He knew he shouldn't be doing this, but he couldn't make himself stop. After all, the physical pain gave him something to focus on when his emotional pain was too great to bear. Like it was today.
Levi drew the sharp edge across his pale skin, seeing a thin line of red appear. He hissed softly, but he also welcomed the pain, letting it drown out the faces of the subordinates he had lost. The images of their mutilated corpses faded into the background, until there was only the stinging sensation on his left arm.
A quick knock sounded on his door, followed by an uninvited entrance. "Levi, I came to see if –" Her words morphed into a gasp when her gaze found the blade that he hadn't had time to move.
Levi froze, staring into the eyes of his fellow squad captain, his best friend, and the woman he was secretly in love with. She was the absolute last person he wanted to find him like this.
------------------------------------------
Levi's wide eyes met yours as he sat on the edge of his bed, completely frozen. For a moment, you forgot how to breathe as you took in the cut on his arm – the cut that Levi himself had made – as well as the blade he still held against his skin.
In a flash, you were standing in front of him, his name on your lips. Levi was too shocked to resist as you took the blade from his hand and tossed it to the farthest corner of the room. It hit the ground with a clatter.
Then you were on your knees, cradling his wrists in your hands, taking a long look at the heartbreaking lines that covered his arms. Some were relatively faded, while some were bright red. And of course, the cut he had just made was still dripping blood.
"Why?" you croaked as you looked up at him with tear-filled eyes.
At the question, Levi finally snapped out of his shocked state. He turned his face away, his grey-blue eyes devoid of emotion as he breathed, "I'm sorry."
A single, soft cry escaped your lips as you reached up and threw your arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug. Levi stiffened, holding his arms out in front of him. Whether it was to avoid hurting himself further, or getting blood on you, or both, you didn't know.
You couldn't bear to see him like this. You felt like you were going to fall apart. However, you tried to control your sobs. There were things you needed to say – things that couldn't wait.
"I love you," you whispered hoarsely. It was the first time you had ever told him that. "I'm here for you. I know that you must feel terrible right now, but I promise, we will get through this together. So please, don't do this anymore. Please."
Levi sighed before relaxing into you. He rested his head on your shoulder, and just for a moment, he allowed his eyes to flutter closed. It was difficult for him to admit, but he needed that hug desperately.
Of course, you knew about the loss of his squad. You knew that Levi was upset about it, but you never imagined that he would resort to this. And from the look of things, this wasn't the first time.
You cursed yourself silently, over and over. He was your best friend. Yet, you never noticed.
You would've kept hugging him for hours, but that cut on his arm was still bleeding. Slowly, gently, you detached yourself. "Where is your first aid kit?" you murmured.
"In the closet," he responded lifelessly, still not looking at you.
You rushed to get it, anxiously keeping your eyes locked on Levi as much as possible. He didn't seem like he would try to hurt himself again – at least, not with you here – but you watched him anyway. After all, you hadn't realized he was cutting himself to begin with, so you weren't taking any more chances.
You knelt in front of him with the first aid kit and delicately gripped his arm with your fingers, holding it steady while you cleaned and bandaged the wound. Levi still wouldn't look at you.
You worked in silence. When you were done with his left arm, you pressed a kiss to his wrist before moving on to his right. Once you had checked those cuts, you pressed a kiss there as well. You still had no idea if he returned your feelings, but that wasn't the point. Right now, Levi just needed to be reassured that someone cared about him.
"Did you do this anywhere else?" you asked gently.
Levi swallowed. "My thighs," he replied, his voice barely audible.
You sighed softly, trying not to feel awkward as you asked, "May I?"
With his eyes locked on the floor, Levi nodded.
You carefully removed his lower section of clothing. You left his underwear on, since you could clearly see the angry, red lines without having to go that far. You examined them as gingerly as you could, cleaning what you needed to and wrapping his thighs in bandages. Then you dressed him back up.
As you packed up the first aid kit, Levi spoke. "Are you going to tell Erwin?" he asked quietly.
You looked up at him, feeling your chest constrict. You didn't know what the commander would do if he found out. You didn't think he was heartless enough to demote Levi, or send him away. Regardless... "I'm not going to tell anybody," you assured him. "I promise."
At that, a small bit of something finally made its way into Levi's empty gaze.
You set the first aid kit aside and pulled Levi into another hug. This time, he lightly folded his bandaged arms around you, accepting your embrace. For several minutes, the two of you stayed that way, giving and receiving comfort in silence.
You pulled back with a sigh. "Get what you need," you murmured. "You're staying with me from now on."
Levi looked up at you questioningly, as if words were too hard.
"I don't know where you hide all of your sharp objects," you clarified, "so we're staying in my room, away from anything that might hurt you. And I'm not going to leave your side until we work through this. Okay?"
Emotion filled his tired eyes. He swallowed the lump in his throat, then breathed, "Okay."
You watched while he packed his things in a small bag, making sure that he didn't bring anything that could harm him. Before you two left, you gave him one last hug, since you wouldn't be able to physically comfort him while you were in the hallway, where other soldiers might see. For Levi's sake, you had to appear like nothing was wrong.
Once inside your bedroom, Levi set his things down in the corner. Seeing how exhausted he was – physically, mentally, and emotionally – you guided him to lie down on your bed with you. He snuggled into you and held you tightly, like a pillow. You wrapped your arms around him and soothingly brushed your fingers through his hair.
"Do you want to talk about it?" you asked.
Levi was silent for a moment. Then, "It started after my first expedition. Titans killed both of my friends, and I was too late to save them. After that...I couldn't make myself stop."
Your heart broke, and you held him a little closer. "I'm sorry," you murmured. "And I'm sorry that I didn't realize how much you were hurting. But from now on, I'm going to be here for you. You don't have to bear this pain all by yourself."
He sighed, as if some of the weight had been lifted from his shoulders. "Thank you."
The two of you lapsed into companionable silence, and you thought that Levi had fallen asleep. But a few minutes later, he shifted so that his face was level with yours. "(F/n)?" he whispered, looking into your eyes with a raw openness that you never would have expected from him.
"Yes?" you asked.
Before you realized what was happening, he leaned in and gave you a small peck on the lips. "I love you too."
Butterflies fluttered around your stomach, and you smiled. You reached up, gently brushing his bangs back from his face. "Go to sleep, Levi," you murmured.
His answering expression wasn't a smile, not exactly, but it was as close as you had ever seen Levi get. He snuggled back into you, his soft lips lightly pressing against your collarbone. Within seconds, he was asleep. Of course, he still felt guilty over the loss of his squad, but your love and comfort were helping to ease that pain, just a little. Just enough.
------------------------------------------
You kept your promise, and over the next several days, you stuck to Levi like glue. You even stood on the other side of the curtain while he was showering. And instead of harming himself, Levi began to learn that there were other ways to deal with his pain – the main one being you. Nothing was more comforting than being wrapped in your embrace, or hearing your voice, or falling asleep to the sound of your heartbeat. You always welcomed him with open arms, and you never told anyone about the things he admitted to you in secret.
The only time you left him was during the mission to capture the Female Titan. You didn't have much of a choice, since you couldn't explain the situation to Erwin. At least you were pretty sure that Levi wouldn't try anything in front of the commander.
Afterwards, you found him right away, and at the first opportunity, you checked him for fresh cuts. When you saw that his pale skin was unbroken, you pressed soft kisses across all the areas he had revealed to you.
You kept up your arrangement until you were sure that Levi had finally broken the habit. On that day, you followed him to his bedroom, where Levi gathered all the blades that he had used to hurt himself and handed them to you. You tossed them in the trash, proud that he was ready to give them up.
Afterwards, even though you trusted Levi, you couldn't help periodically checking his skin for cuts. Levi understood, and he freely offered himself to you, never making you feel guilty for wanting to ensure that he was alright. And every single time, you were grateful beyond words when you saw that there were no new marks on his body.
In addition to checking his skin, there were other changes that stuck. Levi still let you cut his hair. You still spent most of your free time together. And of course, the feelings of love you had for each other only grew. You even went back to sharing a bed every night, two years later, after both of you said "I do" in front of all of your friends and family.