I hadn't realized I had fallen asleep until I awoke to the dark night outside my open window. I forgot I had opened it, and the cold wind quickly rushed inside.
Slowly, I stood up, suddenly sad because Peeta wasn't outside my door anymore. It's like I could feel when he was there and when he was gone. But not physically. I mean mentally. And in my head, something felt horribly wrong.
As I stood, the world spun, colors blinking. I realized, then, this is what it felt like inside a dream. I was dreaming. Thank goodness. Maybe everything was ok like I had left it when I first fell asleep.
And the fact that it was a dream explained everything. The dark night, but the buzzing lights in the kitchen. Christmas dinner was set out on the table and it smelled too good to be real. Of course.
But still, something felt off. I had heard of experiences where people had had dreams that ended up being reality. Something was missing as I made my way down the hallway and sat down at the table. Peeta and Prim weren't there.
My head spun, more confused than I usually am in reality. Prim would never miss this, and neither would Peeta. Plus, this was a family dinner. And he was more than family, especially now.
No one answered me when I spoke to them. They knew I was there, looked me in the eyes. My lips moved, forming words clear as day but no sound came from them.
A shrill squeak stopped the laughter that filled the room- I definitely wasn't the only one who had heard it. The laughter never resumed, and the squeak just got louder and louder until it was a full blown scream of terror.
Two voices.
Two different screams.
But it sounded like an orchestra.
Two screams I'd know anywhere. "PEETA!" Prim called out. Everyone froze. I could hear it clear as day, again and again. My sister, clearly helpless.
My hands shook. The second scream came again, clear as day, but it was Peeta. And he was desperate, and absolutely terrified.
I knew something was wrong, but I seemed to refuse the desperate wake up call.
What the hell had happened?
Peeta's P.O.V.
The last thing I remember was darkness, but it's also the first thing I see. I can't seem to tell the difference between when I lost everything and woke up again. Maybe I've been awake this who time and just couldn't tell the difference.
Time seems to slow and speed up in intervals. I can hear a faint tick tock, and I think back to when Katniss was in the hospital, just a few days ago.
Is that where I am? I want to get up, but I don't. I can't. Somethings there, but for some reason I don't fight it. I open my eyes.
I instantly feel woozy. Tired and exhausted. I can only vaguely remember what happened, why they heck I landed myself in a hospital bed. I think nothing of it until the curtain in the middle of the room opens and a doctor walks in.
"You're finally awake," she says. I must be doing fine, because her feet act on a pedal, raising my bed. She unlatches the IV in my arm, which I hadn't noticed was there.
But the second the medicine stopped flowing into my blood, my stomach clenched and sweat trickled down my forehead. Nothing had ever hurt so much in my entire life.
I wanted to scream, but I bit my lip. I wanted to scream at the doctor for removing that medicine that clearly was working some sort of miracle.
The doctor found a bulging vein in my wrist and inserted a new needle, large and bulky. The needle went in and out, sending a clear, orangish liquid into my blood, sending relief up my spine.
A small dot of blood formed where the needle had been, but the doctor wiped it away in an instant. Blood. Blood. Oh shit.
"Where's Prim?" I asked quietly. She looked at me sadly. "Where's Prim?" My voice grew desperate.
She still didn't answer. I wanted to scream. "Where's Prim? I swear if anything happens to that girl..." my voice trailed off, wanting screams caught in my throat.
The doctor, still silent, lifted my bed a little higher. I felt a tingling sensation through my leg that sort of reminded me of getting drunk or eating too much sugar. Leg? Why could I only feel one leg?
I pushed back the cheap, hospital sheets that were acting as a blanket and gasped. I wanted to cry out in pain, but I didn't feel any like I knew I should have.
My entire lower left leg was gone.
Gone.
It cuts off at my knee and the longer I stare the shallower my breaths become. They should have left me to die. I want to ask what happened, but everything comes back to my mind in the amount of time it takes for me to inhale.
I remember hitting the massive truck. More like the massive truck hitting us. I remember fading in and out of consciousness and being surrounded by flames. I remember Prim. I thought she was dead. I remember saving her, bringing her out of the car. And the ambulance arrived right before I passed out again.
I didn't think I'd wake up.
"Is it still Christmas?" Is the first question I ask when I pull away from my.... Leg.
"Today is Christmas, yes," she said. I looked up at her, and saw exhaustion and a trace of sadness on her face. In the midst of my struggles, I felt sorry for the poor nurse. Instead of spending Christmas with her family, she was trapped in a hospital, taking care of those less fortunate. I felt a rush of gratitude and vowed to be kinder from now on.
"What happened?" I asked, in the strongest voice I could muster.
"There was a crash," she said, avoiding eye contact. "You were hit by a massive SUV, a drunk driver. It wasn't your fault."
I was silent. The world seemed to spin, so I shut my eyes. "How did we make it out alive?"
She sighed. "We... I don't know. It's honestly a miracle. The truck's side rammed into the front of your car, right near the engine. The car exploded about thirty seconds after the crash. Your leg was half gone, and Prim was unconscious. Someone must have pulled you two out."
"No," I whispered. Odd, colorful shapes swam before my sight. That happens when you squeeze your eyes shut too hard, so I tried to relax. "I pulled Prim out. I hobbled out of the car and dragged her onto the side of the road." I paused, and slowly blinked my eyes open. "That's all I remember."
The nurse stared at me. "B-but, a chunk of metal had impaled you! How is it that you walked out on one foot?"
I looked down. I knew the answer, but couldn't tell her.
Because of Katniss.
From the beginning, I had made a promise to always protect Prim. I swore to put her life before mine. And that must have been the one remaining thought that still resonated in my woozy mind that night. Keep her safe, Peeta.
But I hadn't.
I choked back my sobs and asked in a cracked voice, "Where's Prim?"
There was no response.
"Where's Prim?" I asked again, firmer this time. "I need you to answer me," I said. Angry. Firmer than before. I wasn't yelling yet, but I knew the next thing that came out of my mouth would be a scream if she didn't tell me.
"You were lucky," is all she gave me. I looked down. I was lucky? I only have half my leg left. How the hell is that lucky.
The problem was I knew exactly what she was talking about. My injuries were nothing compared to whatever shitty position this wreck had left Prim in.
"Can I please see her?" I manage to croak.
"She's still unconscious," the nurse replies. "And she has to go into surgery soon. You should rest, too." She goes behind the curtain, closing it behind her.
The complexity, the terrible things going on in those words. And yet they seem to leave her completely unfazed. How does someone live like that? How does one live, knowing that another might as well be dying in the next room?
Not dying, I reminded myself firmly. Just... hurt. Which is why, obviously, I had to see her. So I pushed all my pain away, ignoring the awful throbbing in my left thigh and grabbed a crutch from the wall. Walk, Peeta, I told myself. It is funny how, after you go through a near-death experience, how much you realize you took for granted.
Like the ability to walk.
As soon as I was properly upright, I felt a terrible, rushing sensation in my left leg. Something warm dripped and splattered to the floor, and yes it was blood, but I did not care. I had to find Prim. I promised Katniss that I would always keep her safe. I hobbled about two feet, and then the world started spinning. I closed my eyes and took a deep, rattling breath to try and calm myself, but when I opened my eyes, I could only see a steady stream of blood marking my progress thus far. I shook my head to try and clear the spin, but that only made it worse. I felt faint and tired and nauseous and so, so hot, but I couldn't stop now.
I had promised Katniss I would always keep Prim safe.
I was out of the room. I was faced with a hallway lined with bright, blinding lights. Someone had taken millions of suns and put them on the wall, because there was no other way it could be so bright. I wanted to lie down, I wanted to sleep and never wake up; this was unbearable.
But I had promised Katniss I would always keep Prim safe.
I trudged on (I went an entire four feet without having to stop and take a break!) until I was on the other side of the hallway. Next to the door, there was a little tag with the patient's name on it. Mine said...
Melard?
No, there were to l's.
Mellard?
No... that was a 'k.'
Wait.
That was a 'k.'
My last name is Mellark.
Oh right.
Oh no. No, this isn't good. My last name isn't Smith. It's... it's... Mellark.
They found my real name. My name. Peeta Mellark, star and famed band member. My heart sunk as I realized how terrible this would roll into the press. Peeta Mellark, New Capitol lead guitarist and singer in hospital after losing a leg in car wreck. My already throbbing brain swam with theories as to what people would think about my staying in a small town off of Hollywood instead of travelling with Gale. But this also meant I was on a time crunch. I had only a few minutes until eager paparazzi flooded the hospital, searching for me.
But where was I?
"Promise me you'll always keep her safe."
I was grounded back to reality with the painful memory of Katniss's words. Prim. That's when I remembered the name tags on the front of the doors. I had a fantastic idea: if I could find one that had Prim's name on it, she would more than likely be inside! The one in front of me started with an E.
Evengreen?
I squinted, but that only made my head hurt more, so I got as close as I could. Even... deen? No, that was an 'r.' Everdeen.
Everdeen.
Primrose Everdeen was her name. I was so relieved and happy that I nearly cried, but I didn't.
I've kept your promise, Katniss, I thought happily. I found her. I found Prim. I hobbled forward, but then something happened.
And incomprehensible feelings.
I had felt woozy a numerous number of times before, but this time it literally felt like the life was draining out of me. I desperately needed to go back, to rest. But I was right outside Prim's door and I'd never forgive myself if I went back now.
"Oh, shit," I heard someone whisper down the hall. It didn't take a fully operating brain for me to know it was coming from my room, the nurse from earlier probably scared as hell when she saw the trail of blood.
So that's why I'm feeling dizzy, I thought. My head wasn't working straight. The spinning room increased rapidly- it didn't even give me time to process.
"Peeta Mellark!" The yell sounded more like a command. I'm so close. I inched a little further towards Prim's door. Please.
The nurse rushed out of my door. She knew the stakes. Their goal was to save. I was basically committing suicide here- the amount of blood loss. I was, in their eyes, trying to kill myself.
In a hospital.
No one knew what I was really trying to do. To save Prim. To save the girl I'd promised to protect.
The nurse got closer by the second, fuzzing in and out of reality. I couldn't tell if she was real or fake. I had no idea what was real and what wasn't. Her motions were faulty- one second she was far away, the next second her eyes were locked with mine. Then she was gone again.
I shook my head to clear my vision, but not in time. Any attempts I tried to make to run failed. The one distinct thing I saw before I went under was the shiny syringe full of swirling, blue liquid. Then the blue turned to grey, the grey to black, and everything was dark.
Katniss's P.O.V.
Sweat drenched my face. I was absolutely terrified. The dream was so bizarre, so weird. None of it made sense. I remembered only the faintest of details. The randomly loud jingle bells music in the background, the hot pink speaker. So many things made the dream so fake. But....
Peeta and Prim. There was something so real about that. A gurgling sensation rose in my stomach.I had told myself I shouldn't trust my instincts. Not always, at least. Following my instincts always led me to a trap.
This time, my instincts told me that my world was about to be destroyed.
And I believed.
So, still trusting this inexplicable torrent of a feeling, I threw off my covers- our covers- and dashed out of my room on shaking legs. I crashed into Annie and Prim's room without even knocking.
It was empty.
My heart dropped, and a rush of terror cascaded through my body.
They were gone.
I sprinted down the hallway, checked Finnick's room (also empty) and then the living room.
It was vacant.
Everyone that I had ever loved, and had ever loved me, were gone. This must be a bad dream, I reminded myself firmly. Snap out of it.
I pinched my leg. Hard.
It hurt.
But what hurt more was the absence of Peeta, Prim, Annie, and Finnick. I scrambled for my phone and quickly called Peeta. I wasn't expecting him to answer, but I felt even more terrified when no one responded. I called him again. I called and called and called, maybe a dozen times.
There was no response.
I called Prim, but no one picked up. I did the same to Annie and Finnick, but no one responded
I lost hope. I held my knees and rocked back and forth, sobbing and shaking. I was helpless in the face of a hurricane. I tried to think, I tried. There were no clues.
Everyone was just... gone.
My mind swam with horrible things: awful situations that they could be in, or terrible places they might be trapped. I tried to block it out, but my efforts were in vain. I debated calling 911. I debated a lot of things that night. So many horrible, hurtful things I thought about. Because when the people that make up your world just vanish, you don't have a world anymore. No will to go on. I was so close to ending it right then and there, but then I heard the sound of keys at the door. Someone was opening the door.
I stood up so quickly that the world spun for a hot second before righting itself, but I didn't care. Someone was coming- I didn't know if they were good or bad, but at this point, there wasn't really a difference anymore. I ran to the front, but before I could make it, Finnick and Annie came tumbling in, giggling and leaning on each other.
For some reason, I felt a sudden rush of fury. Perhaps I felt too much relief that it had to come out in another form. Or perhaps I was so angry because they were out goofing around and getting drunk while something was horribly wrong with Peeta and Prim and I was about to kill myself.
"Oh there you are," I said, quite calmly in comparison to what I felt. "I was wondering where you were."
"Oh," Annie said, hiccupping. "Sorry. We were just out."
"No shit," I said. "But you didn't think to check your phone?"
I think Annie and Finnick could both sense my fury because they glanced at each other and stopped smiling. "Well... no. We were busy."
"But you missed all my calls?" I asked, in that same, low, dangerous voice. "Check your phone."
Annie slowly pulled her phone out and winced. "14 missed calls... Katniss, I'm sorry-"
"Don't," I said, covering my ears. "DON'T!"
"Look, all we wanted-"
"I SAID I DON'T!" I shrieked, startling both of them. I felt a malicious satisfaction at the guilty looks on their faces. "YOU- YOU CAN'T DISAPPEAR AT 3 IN THE MORNING AND NOT EXPECT ME TO BE ANGRY!!"
"Calm down!" Finnick said, backing away. "We're back now!"
"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!" I screamed, tearing at my throat. "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME TO CALM DOWN WHEN I WAKE UP AFTER HAVING A HORRIBLE DREAM, FIND NO ONE IS HOME, HAVE TERRIBLE THOUGHTS, ALMOST DO SOMETHING AWFUL, THEN SEE YOU TWO ACTING LIKE THE SELFISH BASTARDS YOU ARE!"
They both cringed, but I wasn't done.
"ANNIE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SNEAK OUT LIKE THAT! I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE WITH FINNICK. YOU'RE NOT EVEN DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL YET, AND I'M STILL YOUR LEGAL GUARDIAN!"
"I'm sorry, I-"
"AND YOU!" I turned to Finnick and pointed a shaking finger at him. He backed away and crashed into the table. "HOW DARE YOU URGE MY LITTLE SISTER OUT OF THE HOUSE AND THEN GET DRUNK! SHE'S UNDERAGE! YOU'RE BARELY ALLOWED TO YOURSELF! YOU TWO LEFT ME! LEFT ME ALONE IN THE HOUSE ALONE, WRACKED WITH TERROR!"
"You weren't alone," Annie interrupted in an annoyed voice. "Peeta and Prim are both here."
"Oh really?" I asked sarcastically, voice hoarse from screaming. "Then show me where they are please."
Annie rolled her eyes and led me to her and Prim's room. She stopped when she saw Prim's empty bed. "Where are they?" she asked nervously.
I scoffed. "Yeah, if I knew, I think they'd be here by now."
"Wait, so you're telling me you don't know where they are?" Finnick asked incredulously.
"No, idiot." Finnick looked guilty but kept his mouth shut.
"So, what do we do?" Annie asked. She looked anxious herself, and part of my anger dissipated.
"I don't know," I said, pacing the empty room. "I don't know why they would be gone at three in the morning."
"Effie and Haymitch, maybe?"
"No..."
There was a silence.
"Should we call the police, do you think?"
I looked at Annie. Her face showed signs of someone who was worried and anxious. She kept walking around the room, as if searching for clues. I felt a stab of pity, and realized that maybe I had been too harsh on her. Prim was her sister too, after all. "Yeah... maybe," I said finally.
Finnick took out his phone and stepped into the other room. It was just Annie and I.
"I'm... sorry for yelling at you earlier," I said quietly, looking down.
Annie looked up at me, then smiled wryly. "It's okay. I kind of deserved it. I shouldn't have snuck out. I'm sorry, too."
I smiled for the first time in what felt like years. "It's okay."
For a moment, there was silence. Then-
"Katniss, I'm scared," she whispered. "I don't know where on earth Prim and Peeta could be. I... don't have a good feeling about this."
"I know," I said. "I think calling the police will help us."
"We need to go," Finnick said in a shaky voice from behind us. We whipped around: I had forgotten he was there.
"What happened?" Annie demanded.
"There was a car crash," Finnick whispered, tears dripping down his face. "They're at the hospital downtown. Both on life support."
*****
The nurse talked for a while about things I didn't understand. About things I didn't want to understand. About how much of a miracle it was that Peeta and Prim survived the crash. About how much of a miracle it would be for them to recover. Finnick and Annie listened, and drank in every word. I didn't.
In fact, the world right now was spinning in a way that I never thought was possible.
"Would you like to see them now?" asked the nurse.
Finnick and Annie nodded, then stood up and followed her. When Annie was halfway across the room, she noticed that I was still frozen in place, glued to the hard, plastic hospital chair.
"Katniss, come on," she said, gently grabbing my hand and pulling me up.
"I... can't," I croaked, I felt faint and dizzy. The nausea and terror flooded my brain. I could not think. I could not move.
"Why don't you want to see them?" she asked, frowning.
"I..." was all I could make out. The world upheaved violently, so I shut my eyes and tried not to fall over. The truth was, I could not see them, knowing that they could be dead. I could not force myself to even imagine a world when both Prim and Peeta were gone. Seeing Peeta, bloody and pale in a hospital bed, with Prim next door, breathing faintly as the last of their life drifted away. I shuddered involuntarily.
"Katniss...?" Annie said, grabbing my other arm. "You're so pale and your lips are pale and almost blue."
"I..."
"Annie, she needs to lay down!" Finnick shouted, rushing over.
But it was too late because the last thing I heard was Prim's scream and the world faded to black.
*****
I woke up in a surprisingly comfortable bed. It was soft, and thankfully, the lights were dim. I blinked, and the world molded back into shape.
It appeared that I was in a hospital room.
That's odd, I thought, frowning. How is it possible that I ended up in a hospital room?
That's when I remembered. Painful memories of abandonment, wailing, tears and blood came flooding back faster than an avalanche. My stomach squeezed at the very thought of it all.
"Hello?" I croaked to an empty room. "Is anyone there?"
There was silence. Then- "Oh, hello! You're awake!" A bright-looking young doctor walked in, smiling. Her name tag read Delly Cartwright. "Katniss, isn't it?"
I nodded wordlessly. Delly replied, "Great! Alright. So how are we feeling today?"
I shrugged nonchalantly and said in a tired-sounding voice, "My head hurts. But apart from that, I'm fine."
She nodded. "Well, that makes sense. You were out for about... six hours, I believe. That's actually quite unusual, but your vital signs seem to be doing perfectly fine, which is good, especially considering the circumstances."
Six hours. Prim and Peeta could both be dead by now.
"How is my family?" I asked abruptly.
Delly stared at me for a second, then said, "Family?"
"Peeta Mellark and Primrose Everdeen. They're my family. They were in a car crash many hours ago and came here... right?"
"Peeta Mellark? As in... New Capitol? Well, actually, I suppose the details are a bit unclear now, but... wow! Wow! Oh but to answer your question, yes. They are actually just across the hall from you. Mr. Mellark is currently undergoing a leg surgery, the details of which are yet to be revealed, and should be done in about an hour. Ms. Everdeen is in the room next to you, actually. Her vital signs also indicate survival, but she is yet to wake up," Delly explained. For some reason, I felt like I had known her from somewhere else... but I couldn't determine where. Perhaps it was simply my disoriented brain making things up, but she looked so familiar.
"Do you have any other questions?" she asked.
"Yeah. When can I get out of here?" I asked bluntly.
Delly chuckled. "As soon as you feel ready."
"Really?"
"Yes! I suggest taking it easy for the few days or so, seeing as you were out for a while. This means lots of sleep, watching TV, and sitting around. Try not to strain your body too much, as this will further complicate your preeclampsia, if you recall. We've given you a couple doses of a special medication that should help soothe any aches or pains you may have as a result of your condition. The long story short is, your baby is fine and you are fine too."
"Oh, thank god," I whispered. Ariya was okay. And as long as she was okay, I was okay. For now. "Thank you," I told Delly, almost smiling. Her charisma and bright attitude were almost contagious.
She grinned. "Of course! Now, why don't you try to sleep for a little bit longer? Once you wake up Mr. Mellark will be done and then maybe you two can visit Primrose."
"That would be lovely," I replied. "Thank you."
"Of course. And would you like the sleep supplements? It will reduce the nightmares and stress, and overall give you better quality sleep."
"Yes, thank you."
And soon after I finished both of the doses, I could already feel my eyelids drooping and my consciousness fading into a black oblivion, a world of peace and sleep.
Perhaps if I had known everything that would happen once I woke up, I would have just stayed asleep forever.
*****
It was several hours later. The rare window in my room was dark, meaning that it was night, so many of the staff would probably be gone. And this was perfect.
I crawled out of my bed and hobbled across my room. The hallway was empty of people and very nearly silent, except for the constant beep, beep, beep of the heart monitors.
Now, I had one mission, and that was to find Prim.
What had the nurse said again?
Oh, that's right. Prim was next to me.
As normal as I could manage, I tip-toed out of my room and into the hallway. It was eerily silent, and there didn't seem to be any signs of life. I shut the door behind me, and it closed with a shockingly loud snap! I whipped around to be sure that no one was behind me, but then realized, even if there was, there was nothing they could do.
I continued my trek, until I reached a door with the name tag, Primrose Everdeen. My heart skipped a beat when I read the words in bold, red lettering below. CRITICAL CONDITION
She can't die, I reminded myself firmly. She won't die. She's gonna make it out of this. It might take some time, but she will.
So it was with those thoughts in mind that I grabbed a hold of the doorknob and pulled. As soon as I stepped in, I was greeted with the trademark hospital smell: cleaning alcohol and death. I held back my gagging, and let the sight sink in. Prim was laying down on a hospital cot, silent and unmoving. Her skin was unnaturally pale, but the heart monitor said she was alive. For now, at least.
Her eyes were half-open, half-closed, giving her the look of a corpse, but I trusted that the heart monitors told the truth. Prim's lips were more purple than pink, but at least she was alive... right?
But that was not the worst part. Long, red and raw looking scars ran up and down her arms. Tiny black stitches kept the wounds from bursting open, like little ants. I counted eight stitches on her left arm, and I couldn't even see her right one. Tears came to my eyes, but I blinked them away. She is going to be okay.
I walked quietly across the room, right next to her bed, where I found the doctor's notes. It appeared that Prim was in a coma, but was expected to wake up any time. For some reason, I found this more intimidating than relieving. In movies, people in comas never woke up. She is going to be okay.
"Prim?" I whispered, laying a hand on her forehead. It wasn't icy, but it wasn't normal either.
"Ms. Everdeen!" a voice burst out. I whipped around and saw Delly Cartwright, the nurse from earlier, standing in the doorway, hands on her hips. She looked annoyed, but nothing more than that.
"Yes?" I asked. I didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted to see my baby sister.
"You are supposed to notify a medical professional before you exit your room! You can't just deem yourself healthy and walk out!" Delly scolded me.
"I wanted to see my sister," was all I said as she pulled me back out of the room.
"Your sister is in a fragile state. We're doing everything we can, and we think she'll make a recovery, but it's important that you don't mess with any of the equipment, okay honey?" Delly said once we were in the hall. I felt like a small child.
"Okay."
"Good! Now, we have some fantastic news for you!" she said, smiling.
My heart leapt. Good news? "What is it?" I asked, almost desperately. I needed something to keep me rooted.
"Peeta's surgery is a success!" Delly said brightly. "He's all finished and wrapped up now. In fact, I was just checking in on you because he requested you!"
"Oh!" I said, surprised and relieved. "Can I go now?"
"Of course!" she said. "This way, darling." We walked down the hall, and I listened to Delly explain everything they were doing to keep the paparazzi out. "Somehow, the media has found out that he's been in an accident and now is here. So, we've given them false information and told them he's being treated at a hospital in northern California rather than here. It was my idea," she added proudly. I smiled.
"And, we're here!" she said, gesturing to a room. She opened the door, and I felt my heart hammering.
"Katniss!" he croaked.
I stopped.
Whatever elation and relief I felt from earlier vanished as soon as I saw him.
He was missing half of a leg.
I felt faint again, similar to how I felt when I first found out that Prim and Peeta were in critical condition. I had always been the one to be "brave." I had never been one to faint at the sight of an injury or blood. But this... this was much different.
"Peeta," I whispered. Delly must have noticed my shock, because she grabbed my arm to steady me.
"Now, Katniss, I want you to know everything it a-okay. Mr. Mellark here has been quite a good patient, and the amputation surgery was quick, successful, and painless. He went under for a little while, but just like you, he's back up again. So there's no need to worry, okay sweetie?"
"Okay," I whispered. I felt a strange, unfamiliar feeling around him. I couldn't bring myself to even glance at his... remains of a leg.
"I'll give you two some alone time, all right? I'll be right next door, helping another patient, so if you need me, just call," said Delly, patting my back. And with that, she exited.
"Katniss..." Peeta said. "Don't be scared. I'll be okay." His voice was hoarse and dry with lack of use.
I inched forward, but still couldn't make eye contact with the man I loved. What was wrong with me? We could spend the night together, but I couldn't even look at him now?
"Katniss," he said again. "Look at me."
Shaking, I raised my head and almost immediately felt immense relief. He had the same eyes. They were still the twinkling, alluring sky-blue that I had always adored. Something in his eyes made me more comfortable.
"Peeta..." I whispered. A tear fell down my cheek, quickly followed by several more.
"Katniss, it's okay," Peeta said softly. "I'm okay. You're okay. We're all going to be okay. It's just going to take time."
"I th-thought you were d-dead," I sobbed, clinging to his hand.
"Not yet," he said, smiling through tears of his own. "Not for a long time."
I chuckled and cried at the same time, producing this bizarre, choking sound. Peeta laughed at me, and I laughed at him laughing, and suddenly, we were hysterical, gripping each other's hands, so overwhelmed with relief that I wondered why I had ever been terrified in the first place. I wiped tears of laughter from my eyes, and he did the same,
Suddenly, the mood shifted. Peeta opened his mouth, with a guilty look on his face, but I cut him off. "I don't want to know what happened. I don't know if I ever will be ready. You can tell me when I say so, but now's not the time. I want to relish in the simple joy of you being here with me," I told him quietly.
Peeta smiled and touched my cheek. And in that moment, under his touch, I felt a sense of comfort. A sense of relief and relaxation, knowing that he was alive. He was alive and well.
"I love you," I told him.
"I love you more," he said, smiling.
"No, you don't understand. You don't know how incomplete, how broken, how abandoned I felt without you," I insisted.
"You don't know the circumstances under which I crashed and almost bleed to death," Peeta said wryly.
"And I don't want to," I whispered. "So keep your mouth shut before I chop off your other leg too."
"Jesus, Katniss!" Peeta yelped, withdrawing his hand from my face.
I snickered and leaned back in my chair.
Just then, Delly Cartwright, my nurse, popped her head in the doorway. "Katniss," she said. "Primrose is awake."
*****
I stood up so quickly that little lights danced across my line of sight, but that was unimportant. I needed to see Prim and make sure she was okay.
"Where is she?" I asked, in almost a demanding tone.
"Where she's always been," Delly replied. "In her room." I said good-bye to Peeta and followed Delly out of the room, heart thumping madly in my chest. I had mixed emotions of relief, but also of concerns about any further complications.
"Is she okay?" I asked hurriedly.
"Her vitals appear to be alright," she answered. "Her heart beat, blood pressure, and oxygen levels all seem to be steady. She hasn't spoken yet, though." And with that, she ushered me into Prim's hospital room. My heart was raging against my rib cage, and I took several steady breaths to try and calm myself.
The door opened, and there she was. She was sitting up now, back against the headboard of the hospital cot, and starring far off into space.
Prim was alive.
Relief and gratitude crashed through me so powerfully in a way that I didn't think was possible. I ran over to the bed, and without saying anything pulled her into a tight embrace.
"KAtniss! Careful!" Delly cried, running over to detach me from her.
"Sorry, sorry," I said. But I couldn't help myself. My baby sister was okay. That was all that mattered.
I knelt down in front of the bed and took her hand. It wasn't as warm as her hands normally are, but it was certainly better than the first time I snuck in to see her.
"Prim," I whispered. "How are you?"
She didn't answer. Instead, she only started. She stared past me, at a blank spot on the wall. There was something missing here... she had a vacant look in her eyes. It was as though she had woken up, but not all the way. I frowned.
"Prim?" I asked again, louder this time.
Perhaps the increased volume was all she needed to hear, because sure enough, her head whipped around. Her reaction was uncharacteristically slow, and there was that missing element in her eyes, but I couldn't place my finger on it.
She looked at me and frowned.
Something was very wrong here.
Finally, she opened her mouth to speak. "Wh-where am I?"
"The hospital, honey," I told her, gripping her hand. "Do you remember what happened? You were with Peeta... and there was a car crash...?"
Her frown deepened, and confusion was written all over her face. "Pete? Car crash? Wh-what?"
"No, not Pete," I said, beginning to get worried. "Peeta."
Prim looked down, and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said. "I don't know who that is. I can help you find him, though."
I froze.
"Actually," she said, turning to face me. She looked down at my hand covering hers, up to my face, back at our hands, and then at my face again. Prim squinted, as if trying to decipher who I was. "I don't know who you are, either."
My blood ran cold, and I dropped her hand. I backed away several inched. Had I heard her correctly?
Delly and the other team of doctors gasped, and one of them left the room abruptly. Something was terribly wrong.
"Wh-what?" I asked, positive that I had misheard her.
"I'm sorry," Prim said quietly, looking down. "I don't mean to make you sad. I just don't know who you are."
"Who are you?" Delly broke in, before I could reply.
"Me? Um. Well, um, I'm Prim, right?" Prim said, as more of a question.
"You are Prim, good job," Delly said. "How old are you, Prim?"
"I'm in high school," she said vaguely. "I like science."
"Good. Do you remember any of your family? Or friends?"
Prim frowned and her gaze down. It looked like she was straining herself. "I... I have a sister," she whispered.
I have a sister.
"Okay, and do you remember her name?"
My heart thudded in my ribcage. Would she remember me, or Annie?
Prim frowned. "I... I'm not sure. She has... orange hair and freckles. We like to sing... Oh! Her name is Anne!"
"Annie, but yes, very close. Do you remember anyone else, darling?"
Prim squeezed her eyes shut. "No... no, I don't."
"Okey-dokey," Delly said, shooting a worried glance at me. "Thanks, Primrose. We'll check in a little later, alright? For now, why don't you get some sleep?"
"Okay," Prim replied. She looked so... lost. But I knew she would remember me. She had to remember me. Heart pounding, I stood up and walked right next to her. "Prim," I said shakily. "You remember me, don't you?"
Prim gave me a blank look. For a second, I thought I saw the faintest glimmer of recognition in her eyes, but perhaps it was just my imagination. She shook her head, slowly.
"No," I said in a cracked voice, grabbing her hand. "You have to remember me, Prim. I'm Katniss. Your big sister. I've known you your whole life. We live together, remember? I take you to dance class. We play with Almond and Roody together, remember? I took you to a concert once, and we made friends there. Remember me braiding your hair, Prim? Remember, Prim, remember?"
Before I could say any more, Delly pulled me away from Prim, who was looking scared. "Take it easy, KAtniss. I know it's hard, but she's more likely to recover her memory if we take it slow. Too much information could overwhelm her."
"I c-can't," I choked. "She's my baby sister. She has to remember me."
"I'm sorry, Katniss," Delly said. "I really am. Prim's a smart gal. She should be able to remember quickly."
"No," I cried, reaching out towards Prim. "I can't leave her! I can't!"
Delly shot a frantic look at another nurse and together, the two of them pulled me out of the room and into the waiting room, where I sat silently and rigidly on the chair, tears streaming down my face. The other people next to me shot me concerned looks, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything anymore. Why should I? Part of me wished that I could lose my memory and have a fresh start, just like Prim. What would I do with a clean slate?
"Katniss, hon?" Delly said, approaching me cautiously. "We all talked and think it's best that you go home."
"Home?" I spluttered, talking for the first time in minutes. "No! I-I can't go home! No one's at home! Peeta is recovering from surgery and Prim has to be here for probably another five months! Annie has to stay with Prim 'cause she's the only one she remembers! And even Finnick is staying to keep Annie company! No one's at home and no one will be for another month!"
"I know," Delly said. "But I think a month would be perfect! Solitude can evoke reflection, which leads to self-progress. You can always come visit, you know."
"N-no," I said quickly. "You don't understand. I get... sad when I'm alone."
"Katniss, sweetie," Delly said sternly. "Your mental health is extremely fragile. Perhaps some solitude is all you need to begin your journey of recovery. Take a couple of weeks for yourself. Enjoy being alone. We insist on it. You can't stay here forever."
"Fine!" I said, much louder than I intended. "If you never hear from me again, it's your fault!" Before I could even comprehend my anger towards Delly, I stormed out of the room and went to the parking lot. It was then I realized that I didn't have a car. It had begun to snow.
I was left with one option and that was walking. So I pulled up my hood, buried my face in the collar of my winter jacket and walked right into the snowy wind. I trudged on, block after block. I lived about fifteen blocks away from the hospital, so it was no easy task. Especially with the wind blowing this way and that, the cold biting into the tip of my nose, and the snow melting and seeping through my boots and freezing my toes. But I kept going. I had no other option.
But, I was not bored. I had plenty of thoughts. Too many thoughts, probably. And hardly any of them were good. What if Peeta died and Prim never remembered me? And then Annie and Finnick moved away and I was left here to live alone and stare out the window, day after day, and never have anyone? I urged myself to stop, but it was useless.
Wind whistled in my ears, and snowflakes landed on my cheeks as I stomped through the quickly rising snow. The cold gnawed at my nose, but I kept my hand shoved deep into my pockets, where they would stay warm. Sometimes you have to do those things. You have to sacrifice something in order to be okay. You have to be okay with something hurting, but always knowing that another part is safe and warm.
If only I knew what would happen when I said yes to Finnick and Peeta. I almost let out a wry laugh, just thinking about how drastically our worlds have changed. Who would've known that, months later, they'd both be in the hospital, and I'd actually be feeling empty because they weren't here?
It's not like you had a lot of time left with them anyway, I reminded myself firmly. They were always going to go back to the road. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise.
I shook the thought out of my head and unlocked the gate. I had finally arrived home. I sighed, and unlocked the door with trembling fingers, nearly frozen from my long trek home.
The house was dark.
Prim's pens and notebook were scattered around the living room floor from earlier, and evidence of Peeta's baking was all over the kitchen.
Home, I thought miserably. It's not home without the people. It's just a house without the people that make it home. And I was left in this house, all alone.
And all of a sudden, I heard two barks coming from Prim's bedroom. Roody! The dog came bounding into the living room and settled into my lap. He seemed to know something was wrong, because he whimpered softly and looked around the room.
"I know, buddy," I told him, scratching his ears. "It's different without everyone here, isn't it?" He licked my hand in reply.
I sighed. "But we'll get through this together... right, Roody?" He nuzzled my leg, and I felt the corners of my mouth raise slightly.
"Do you want anything to eat?" I asked him. He perked up at the word "eat" and barked happily in response. He trotted in front and led me to the cabinet where his food was stored. He waited for me eagerly, tail thumping on the ground, while I filled his bowl with crunchy dog food. As soon as I stepped back, he launched himself at the food and began devouring it.
I smiled, remembering how Prim and Annie would laugh so hard, watching him eat. And how Finnick would come over and put a protective arm across Annie's shoulders, and she would lean into him, and Peeta would sit down next to Prim, and they would brush Roody's fur together while I laughed and picked up his food. And I remembered the smiles, the joy, the laughter, and the overwhelming love.
But those were merely memories now.
Even if Peeta did make a full recovery, he could never perform like he used to, not with that leg. And in the unlikely event that Prim regained her memory, it would be too different from herself that by the time she was healed, she'd be an adult and would have no interest in feeding dogs with her pathetic, loser of an older sister. Annie and Finnick would be off in an apartment on their own, across the country, living their best lives while leaving me alone and sad and afraid.
Stop it, Katniss, I told myself firmly. Can you just be normal for one goddamned second? Jesus. Get a grip.
So I pushed myself up from the ground, left Roody and happy memories behind and crawled into bed. I took three large doses of the sleep-inducing pills because fuck it, it wasn't like I was going to do anything anyway.
Before drifting off to sleep, one last thought floated across my mind.
In the end, no one will be there for you anyway.
~Several Hours Later~
Knock, knock.
I sat bolt upright, and frantically checked my surroundings. No one was there.
Knock, knock.
I heard it again, louder this time. Confused, I glance at my clock. It was nine pm, ten hours since I went to sleep. Who would be knocking on my door at this hour?
"Ma'am, we know you're in there. Please open up," a male voice said, banging on the door once more.
I crept out of bed, walked down the hallway, and cautiously approached the door. I quietly peered through the peephole, and to my surprise, saw three men dressed in navy blue. Police, I thought. What in the world are they doing here?
Timidly, I opened the door and asked, "What happened?"
"Oh, Ms. Everdeen. Fantastic. We're here on account of Liam Odair, to collect his daughter's belongings," he said in a monotone voice, almost as if he had recited that line thousands of times before.
"Wh-what?" I spluttered, retreating further back into the house. "N-no, you can't just do that. I'm Annie's legal guardian. She has to stay with me."
"Sorry, miss," he said, not sounding sorry at all. "But it's the law. You have proven to be an irresponsible guardian and, as the hospital staff tells us, you also struggle with some severe mental issues. Annie is going to be living with Finnick in Mary and Liam's house until Prim is able to make a full recovery. And Prim will probably move in with them after, if it all goes to plan."
I was too shocked, too horrified to say something or even move. It was as though everything that I had nightmares of had come true today. "No," I protested weakly. "No, I'm stable, I swear."
"Ma'am," another officer said sternly. "Your reports say you suffer from self-harm, depression, and mood swings. That kind of behavior can be dangerous around children."
"No no no," I said, grabbing his arm to prevent him from coming in to take away my sisters. "No, please no, please."
"I'm sorry, miss," he said, shrugging. "But we do what we have to."
"We're fine!" I shrieked. "We were fine until you interrupted! We had stable jobs and no shortage of money and we were about to celebrate Christmas and we were going to announce my pregnancy, and-" I broke off at the look on the officer's face.
"See, that is exactly why they're moving," the first cop said, rolling his eyes. "You live with two full-grown men and two young girls. It's unclear who you're in a relationship with- it might even be both of them- you're pregnant, unstable, and frankly quite crazy. A place where their guardian has two, unrelated men strutting around the house is not at all safe."
"No," I whispered, sinking to the floor. "You can't."
"Mr. and Mrs. Everdeen have also placed a restraining order on you," the third cop added, handing me an official-looking sheet of paper with an official-looking stamp and an official-looking signature. My heart stopped.
"R-restraining order?" I repeated in a hollow voice. "Wh-what did I do?"
"'Mental instability and violent tendencies,'" he replied in a bored voice. "Liam is an eyewitness."
"He's lying!" I croaked as loud as I could. "I would never do anything on this! I never abused my sisters or left them alone or anything! I was as good as a mother!"
"Well, if I were you, I wouldn't mess with Liam. He's pretty high up there and has a lot of people working for him. And, he has a lot of legal power too. I get that he's your father-in-law or step dad or whatever, but he still has a lot of influence."
"He's lying," I repeated. "He's lying."
"Alrighty then. Well, we'll be on our way now." They reappeared, dragging out two large suitcases. Had Annie anticipated this and packed ahead of time?
"Sorry, ma'am," the three of them said together, then left with Prim and Annie's belongings.
And it was at that moment that I lost everything.
I lost my family.
My friends.
THe only people in the entire world who would give a damn about me. The only people who would be upset if I died. Gone. Just like that. And it was all thanks to my parents.
"I HATE YOU," I screeched, and flung a glass cup at the wall, where it shattered into a million shards. "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!" I wasn't sure who I was talking to. My mother and Liam, maybe? Perhaps it was my inner conscience, and perhaps it was the decider of my fate, whoever that was.
But more likely, it was all three of them.
"Why me?" I choked, tears streaming down my face. "Why me? Where did I fuck up to deserve all this? What did I do? What did I do?"
I tried to look back, and probed my memories, searching for a moment that I had gone wrong, or something I had done to earn this fate.
I found nothing.
It was simply my fault. I had done something and there was now nothing I could do.
I let out a howl that sounded more like an animal than anything and slumped against the wall. I was done. I would let the misery and sadness and grief and hatred overwhelm me until I was nothing more than a puddle of being on the floor. I accidentally sank my arm into one of the glass shards from my fit, and it hurt but it felt good. Something that was more painful than my current situation. It was nice, to relish in the pain, knowing that there was something that hurt more.
Stop it, Katniss, I told myself, gritting my teeth. This isn't good. You'll regret it.
I scoffed out loud at the very thought. Bullshit. I would be gone fast enough that I wouldn't have time to regret it.
What if I just... ended it here?
This wasn't the first suicidal thought that had popped into my head. And, judging by life's animosity for me, it wouldn't be the last either. But they were always unnerving, the way they floated up from the depths of my brain.
What if I just... took those pills that were tucked away in my dresser drawer, saved only for emergencies? What were they called? Nightlock?
What's the reason to keep living, anyway? The love of my life is gone. My friends are gone. I'll probably never see my sisters again. I was always struggling, anyway.
Stop making excuses, a snide voice in my head hissed. You're too fucked-up. Spare the world your stupidity.
But what if it hurts?
Deal with it. You deserve the pain, anyway. Think of all the pain you caused everyone else. This is just like karma. What goes around eventually comes back to you. It's inevitable.
But what if everything does turn out okay?
It won't.
But what if it does?
Even if you die, everyone else will get over it. Annie has Finnick. Peeta has him too, and like half the entire population, anyway. Prim probably won't even remember you or care. I'm under a restraining order, anyway, They won't see me for a while. And even if they do, they'll probably hate me. Maybe I just wasn't a good sister at all. They do deserve better.
That was the last straw for me. My baby sister's blissful ignorance of me threw me over the edge. I had my mind set. Just as I was about to stand up and search through my dresser drawer to find the nightlock pills, Roody bounded in, barking urgently. I had never heard him sound like that before, and it was scary. He nudged my leg, as if trying to say, Get up again! When I remained stationary, he let out a hair-raising howl. You could almost detect the note of desperation in his mournful song.
But even his antics couldn't change me now. I had my mind set.
"I'm sorry, Roody," I whispered, scratching his head. "You'll find loving owners who will treat you better than I."
Almost as if on cue, he sprinted between my arms and ran out the back door, speeding down the block at an unreal pace. Normally, I'd be worried. But I knew that perhaps he'd find better owners that way.
I brushed myself off (for the last time?) and stood up. I was shaking so badly that I had to cling to the back of a chair in order to prevent myself from falling. In the end though, I let go, because even if I did fall, nothing I didn't deserve, right?
Haymitch's POV
"Haymitch?" Effie called from the living room. "You hear that?"
"Hear what?" I asked, sitting up.
"That dog! I thought I heard barking!" she said, frowning.
"I don't hear anything."
"Hmm," she said, looking back out to the window. "I swear I did, though."
"You're probably hearing things," I said. "You prolly can't hear properly under that fifty pound wig of yours."
Effie rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by loud barking. Familiar barking. And it was close by.
Confused, I stood up out of my armchair, dropped the book I was reading, and peered out the window. Sure enough, a large, fluffy-looking, strong dog was barking on our porch. I couldn't quite tell which breed it was because the snow was fogging up the windows, but I felt like I had heard and seen it before.
The mysterious dog barked time and time again, and I could hear a tone of desperation. When I didn't open the door, he howled one long, shivery note. Something was very clearly wrong.
"Let 'im in," Effie said, standing up.
And so I did. I carefully unlocked the door, and in bounded Katniss's dog.
"Roody?" Effie and I asked incredulously.
Katniss's POV
I've heard before that people, when they're right about to die, have some type of epiphany. Some sort of realization, and perhaps an encounter with their god. So when I looked in the mirror (for the last time?) I tried to search for any signs of divine existence either inside of me, or around me. Of course, there was nothing. But at least I had tried.
I was shaking quite hard now. I knew my end was near. And there was something comforting in that. Something certain, for once. And wherever I was going, if I was going anywhere, was certainly better than where I was now. That was certain.
The person in the mirror looked tired. Her eyes were absent of light, hope, joy, and love. They weren't angry. They weren't sad. They were empty.
I had become an empty shell. The carrier of my soul and character had vanished. I had no will to search for them. So I took one final glance around the living room and tried to memorize my surroundings. This was the room where so many memories were made. I spent time with my family here. I laughed here, if you can imagine that. I kissed Peeta here. But those things would never happen again, would they?
So I trudged out of the living, leaving all the memories and relationships and love behind. I was off to somewhere better, somewhere where I wasn't hated for being who I was. Good-bye, living room. Good-bye, kitchen.
I then walked down the long hallway that had often functioned as a slide for Annie and Prim (if you wore the right kind of socks) that was decorated with photos of our family and the girls' artwork. Normally, I would have smiled, seeing Prim's kindergarten drawings of herself, Annie and I. Normally, I would have straightened Annie's school photo and dusted off my framed high school diploma. But normally, I wouldn't be this way.
Good-bye, hallway.
So I walked into my room and shut the door behind me. I didn't want my corpse to be the first thing people saw when they walked in. But a closed door couldn't hide my death forever.
Haymitch's POV
"Roody?" Effie and I exclaimed incredulously. "What are you doing here?"
Roody barked again, urgent and desperate.
"Are you lost, puppy?" Effie said, bending down and scratching his ears. To our surprise, Roody snarled and backed away. Effie retreated instantly, and I stood in front of her, wanting to protect her from the dog if he was rabid.
"Roody?" I asked suspiciously. "Why are you here?"
"Dogs can't talk," Effie reminded me exasperatedly.
"No shit," I said, rolling my eyes. "But something's wrong. I can feel it. haha old meme reference. Roody wouldn't just show up for no reason. He's a smart dog."
"Should we go check on Katniss, maybe? Maybe he escaped and our house was the only place he remembers," Effie suggested.
"Yeah, maybe."
Instantly, Roody's ears perked up and his tail thumped on the floor, almost impatiently. He barked twice and ran out the door. It was as if he knew.
"And you said he couldn't talk," Effie said sniffily. "He clearly understood what I just said."
"No," I said, rolling my eyes and tugging on my snow boots. "He just recognized Katniss's name, that's all. Hurry up, will you? I don't know how long he's been out."
"I am," Effie insisted, squatting down to tie her pink, lacey boots. I tapped my foot on the ground impatiently.
"Be patient!"
And when Effie had finally finished putting on her ugly boots, my feeling of suspicion and urgency mounted. I was anxious, and needed to know that Katniss and her family were okay. So we locked the door and followed Roody out into the blizzard.
Katniss's POV
This was it, I told myself. The pill was in my hand. It was a dark shade of indigo. It wasn't purple enough to be purple, but it wasn't blue enough either. Rather, it was a beautiful, in-between shade. The pill, nightlock, was small and round, encapsulated by a clear coating on the outside that trapped all the poison inside.
I had dug it out of my sock drawer, where a small vial of the lethal pills had remained hidden for nearly five years. Just in incase something goes terribly awry, I had told myself when I bought them. But it was also pretty cool, to say that you had death in a bottle next to your socks.
And now, it was in my shaking, pale left hand. I had already filled a glass with water. It was right next to my bed stand. I was ready.
And yet, something was holding me back.
Haymitch's POV
We sprinted after Roody, passing house after house, until it all seemed like a blur because of the snow. Effie was clearly a better runner than I, and had much better stamina. I was left chasing Effie, gasping and clutching my side.
"Hurry up!" Effie instructed. "We're only half a block away!"
"I'm trying!" I hissed.
Roody barked in agreement, as if saying Effie was right, and continued to run effortlessly. I suppose having four legs is helpful, especially when running through a blizzard.
My large boots kept slipping and sliding on the ice, my lungs were burning, and the tip of my nose was frozen, but I kept going. I knew I had to. Because for whatever reason, I felt like something important depended on it.
All of a sudden, Roody stopped and turned right, leading us to Katniss's apartment. Sure enough, the door was unlocked and open. Frowning, I followed Roody up the stairs and tried not to act as terrified as I felt.
"Hello?" I shouted to an empty house.
Katniss's POV
The pill was still in my hand.
Stop putting this off! a voice in my head hissed. Do it! It'll feel so much better once you've done it.
I realized that voice (me?) was right. This was my destiny, right here. And so, I first took a sip of water to wet my dry mouth. It felt odd.
I raised a trembling hand, and it was three inches away from my mouth- two inches- one inch- and then-
"Hello?" a hoarse voice shouted. I let out a yelp and dropped the glass of water and the pill.