Deafening silence wrapped the married couple as Liz sat on the couch and Avan stood across her with the coffee table in between them. It felt as though they were back at square one again. They were back to awkwardly shuffling around each other and pursing their lips in an awkward manner.
Liz had one of her many poetry books sprawled open on her lap. She flips through the pages silently and finds a well-pressed petunia flower. It was brown now and dry but you could still tell that it used to be pink. Her fingers caress its wilted petals gently before picking it up and twirling it around between her fingers.
"That's the petunia I first gave you," Avan lowly mutters, stuffing his hands into his pockets.
Liz nods, not looking at him. "It's all withered up now."
"But it's still beautiful," he replies.
She shrugs her shoulders and placed the dried flower back into the pages of her poetry book. She catches a quick glance at the page it was pressed into and immediately, her eyes water just the slightest bit.
One night, I stood under the stars,
Wondering if this sight ever synced hearts,
But I wondered why they looked so dull,
Why do they lack that magic sparkle?
And then I realized it was because I've looked into your eyes,
And ever since that moment, nothing could ever be brighter.
She had read this aloud for Avan so many years ago under the shade of a tree because it reminded her of him. It was the first gesture she ever made to tell him that she liked him as well. He had looked at her with his chocolate eyes filled with so much adoration and she couldn't help herself but kiss his cheek. They became an official couple shortly after that day.
Now, they barely even looked at each other. They've come so far in their relationship— a child, engagement and marriage— to only come back to a place they never wanted to be in.
"Liz, you still didn't answer my question," he states as his wife closes the book she was holding and placed it on the coffee table.
She only shrugs in return, not even bothering to meet his eyes that she once claimed were brighter than the stars.
"Talk to me please."
"You wanted to talk, not me," she softly replies.
"Fucking hell, Liz!" he exasperatedly growls, his hands flying up to his hair.
Liz was startled by his choice of words and by his tone. His entire demeanor as of the moments scared her if she was being honest. She doesn't remember even seeing Avan in this state because he was usually such a patient husband and father towards the two most important girls in his life.
"I was at the park," she whimpered with a hint of fright in her tone. "Are you happy now?"
"Happy?" he spits out venomously. "Humor me, Liz, how the hell am I supposed to be happy when my wife walked out on me last night?! I didn't sleep a wink and Mia, I'm pretty fucking sure she cried enough tears to flood the Sahara."
"I'm not your child, Avan. Don't scold me like I am."
Apparently, Avan wasn't quite finished with her because he didn't pay heed to whatever she said and continued ranting on.
"Do you know how selfish you were, Liz?!"
His words stung her like salt on a wound. She knew she was being selfish but to hear it come from Avan's mouth made it so much more real. It had been spoken and heard and therefore made real, more tangible.
"I needed to be alone, Avan! It wasn't easy, okay?!"
"You think it was easy for me?!" he snaps.
She falls silent once more, not knowing what more to say to her husband. Her lower lip quivered and so she sucks it in between her teeth.
Avan saw the frightened state that his wife was in and felt a strong surge of guilt wash over him. He breathes out loudly through his nose and urges himself to calm down. No matter how upset he got at her, Avan would never find pleasure in seeing Liz dismayed.
"You keep lying to me," she softly whispers. "And I hate it because I trust you so much."
"I couldn't see any other option," he replies calmly as Liz wiped her fingers on the corners of her blue eyes. "You were so in pain after what happened with Rafa, Liz. You weren't you anymore and I didn't want to put you through that again. I didn't want to put Mia through that again."
"Avan, I was grieving the loss of my child. Don't you understand?" she cries out.
"Rafa was my child too, Liz. And I know exactly how much it hurts. You had forgotten all the pain and I wanted it to stay that way because I love you," he explains to his crying wife.
He wanted to hug her and kiss her, tell her it was going to be okay but he honestly didn't know if that would be true. He wasn't sure how this conversation was going to end and frankly, it frightened him.
"Rafa deserves to be grieved, Av. You had no right to keep his memory from me," she says, still wiping her tears away. "You didn't have to lie to me again."
"Are you saying I should have let you bring pain to yourself again and have you be so distant to Mia and I? Should I have let you blame me every single day again? Because that's exactly how you were back then, Liz. You didn't talk to me, barely even looked at me," he has to physically stop himself from screaming at her again. "I know what I did was wrong and I'm sorry. It's true that I didn't have the right to lie to you and keep Rafa's death from you but you need to understand you don't have the right to blame me either. You don't have the right to punish Mia and I for something we didn't even do in the first place."
She lets his words sink in for a while. Avan was right. She had been so tough on Avan and on herself in the past and all he wanted was for that never to happen again. He might have done something wrong but his intentions were in the right place. He was given no choice and he probably just wanted to do what he thought was best for their family.
"I'm sorry," she apologized.
Liz didn't have to say anything more. Avan understood what she meant by the look in her eyes and the tone that laced her watery voice.
"It wasn't your fault and it was wrong of me to ever think that way," she sobbed. "Come to think of it, it's my fault Rafa didn't get to be born. I was the one who was growing him inside me. I was the one who couldn't do it right-"
Liz was cut off by Avan wrapping her small figure in his muscular arms. He didn't care if they were fighting or not, Liz was crying so hard and blaming herself for something that only rotten luck could be blamed for. Avan wasn't going to allow her to think so criminally of herself.
"Don't talk like that," he mutters against her head. "You know it wasn't your fault and it never will be."
"He didn't even get the chance to grow," she whimpered against his chest. "It isn't fair."
Avan's tears start spilling from his eyes as he internalized the truth in her words. Their child had been so innocent, so free of sin and yet he wasn't even given the chance to experience the love and joy his parents had in store for him. His fighting chance had been taken away from their baby even before he could have it.
"I know, love," he shakily replies before slightly pulling away to look her in the eyes. "I know that you're grieving right now, okay? So am I. But you don't have to be alone in this, Liz. If you let me, I can be here with you to comfort you when you need it. Please don't push me away again."
Tearfully, all Liz could do was press her lips against his. She poured all her pains and frustrations within her into that kiss and Avan did the same. Their lips moved in sync with each other as if dancing the choreography to a grievous melody.
Avan could feel the tears from her eyes drip on his cheek and her lips tasted of blood and the saltiness of tears. Her lips were so supple and soft yet they were harsh against his to tell him that she is in too much pain.
When the time came to pull away, Avan pulled away first breathlessly. He sat down beside her and wrapped her up in his embrace sideways. Liz leaned into him and leaned her head onto his chest.
"I'm sorry," she whispers once more.
"I'm sorry too," he replies, acknowledging his shortcomings.
"No more lies," she pleads. "No more secrets."
"No more, I promise," he nods before tilting her chin upwards and pecking her swollen lips. "I love you."
"I love you," she replies, their foreheads touching as a small smile graced her lips.
They were never going to be the same couple that they were before Rafa's death but that was okay. Not the same didn't necessarily mean worse, they could change for the better. Their love would grow stronger with what they had to go through and they would end up twice as strong as they used to be.
Avan brushed his lips against hers again. He was just about to deepen the kiss when an urgent, childish voice rang out from the second floor of their house.
"Can I come out now? I have to use the potty!"
After so many hours of crying, Liz finally allowed herself to laugh. It was soft and sounded timid but it was genuine.
__________
this felt kinda forced. tell me what you think.
I made the poem above when I was around 14/15 years old and I it's kinda meh but I was too lazy to make a new one hihi
Hope you enjoyed this. Don't be afraid to comment down your thoughts! Lots of love! Be kind, y'all!