- September 22nd 1994-
We are all at Monica's Apartment watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.
Monica:Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ and she's really not happy about it.
Chandler:"Imitating the characters".Tuna or egg salad?.Decide!.
Ross:"In a deep voice".I'll have whatever Christine is having.
I laugh at Ross's comment.
Rachel:"In phone".Daddy I just...I can't marry him.I'm sorry.I just don't love him... Well it matters to me!.
The scene on TV has changed to show two women and one is holding her hair.
Phoebe:If I let go of my hair my head will fall off.
Chandler:Oh she should not be wearing those pants.
Joey:I say push her down the stairs.
Me,Phoebe,Ross,Chandler and Joey all begin to chant.(Push her down the stairs!, Push her down the stairs!,Push her down the stairs!).The woman is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.
Rachel"Into Phone".C'mon Daddy listen to me!.It's like,it's like all of my life everyone has always told me,You're a shoe!,You're a shoe,you're a shoe,you're a shoe!.And today I just stopped and I said What if I don't wanna be a shoe?.What if I wanna be a-a purse y'know?.Or a or a hat!...No I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat I'm saying I am a ha It's a metaphor Daddy!.
Elizabeth:You can see where he'd have trouble.
Rachel:"Into Phone".Look Daddy it's my life.Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
Monica:Well I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...
Rachel:"Into Phone".Well maybe that's my decision...Well maybe I don't need your money.Wait!,Wait I said maybe!.
Her father hangs up and Rachel starts panicking i grab a paper bag and Me and Monica help her over to the couch as Rachel is breating into a paper bag.
Monica:Just breathe,breathe..that's it.Just try to think of nice calm things...
Phoebe:"Sings".Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens...
Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.And i smile at Phoebe trying to help.
Phoebe:Bluebells and sleighbells and something with mittens...La la la la...something and noodles with string. These are a few...
Rachel:I'm all better now.
Phoebe grins and we walk into the kitchen together to join Chandler and Joey.
Phoebe:I helped!.
Monica:Okay look this is probably for the best y'know?.Independence.Taking control of your life.The whole hat thing.
Joey:And hey you need anything you can always come to Joey.Me and Chandler live across the hall.And he's away a lot.
Elizabeth:Joey stop hitting on her!.It's her wedding day.
Joey:What like there's a rule or something?.
Elizabeth:Yes its a rule you idjit.
Joey:What is that supposed to mean?.
Elizabeth:Idjit is an Irish term for Idiot.
The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.
Chandler:Please don't do that again it's a horrible sound.
Paul:"Intercom".It's uh it's Paul.
Monica:Oh God is it 6:30?.Buzz him in.
Joey:Who's Paul?.
Ross:Paul the Wine Guy Paul?.
Monica:Maybe.
Joey:Wait.Your not a real date tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?.
Ross:He finally asked you out?.
Monica:Yes!.
Chandler:Oh this is a Dear Diary moment.
Monica:Rach wait I can cancel...
Rachel:Please no go that'd be fine.
Monica:"To Ross".Are,are you okay?.I mean do you want me to stay?.
Ross:"Sadly".That'd be good...
Monica:"Horrified".Really?.
Ross:"Happily".No go on!.It's Paul the Wine Guy!.
Phoebe:What does that mean?.Does he sell it,drink it or just complain a lot?.
Me and Chandler shrug not knowing.There's a knock on the door and Monica gets it.
Monica:Hi come in!.Paul this is...
We are all lined up next to the door.
Monica:Everybody,everybody this is Paul.
Everyone:Hey Paul!.
Elizabeth:Hi!.
Joey:The Wine Guy.
The girls:Hey!.
Chandler:I'm sorry I didn't catch your name.Paul was it?.
Monica:Okay umm,umm I'll just,I'll be right back,I just gotta go ah go ah...
Ross:A wandering?.
Monica:Change!.Okay sit down.
Monica shows Paul in.
Monica:Two seconds.
Paul goes and sits down.
Phoebe:Oh I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
Monica goes to change.
Joey:Hey Paul.
Paul:Yeah?.
Joey:Here's a little tip she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.
Monica:"Yelling".Shut up Joey!.
I hit the back of Joey's head.
Ross:So Rachel what're you uh...what're you up to tonight?.
Rachel:Well I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon so nothing.
Ross:Right you're not even getting your honeymoon God..No,no although Aruba this time of year...talk about your...big lizards... Anyway if you don't feel like being alone tonight Elizabeth,Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.
Chandler:Yes and we're very excited about it.
Rachel:Well actually thanks but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.It's been kinda a long day.
Ross:Okay sure.
Elizabeth:Hey Pheebs you wanna help?.
Phoebe:Oh I wish I could but I don't want to.
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At Ross's Apartment Me and the guys are assembling furniture.I am watching as Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.
Joey:I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.
Chandler:It's a beautiful thing.
Joey:"Picking up a leftover part".What's this?.
Chandler:I would have to say that is an L shaped bracket.
Joey:Which goes where?.
Chandler:I have no idea.
Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant and I hold a laugh.
Joey:Done with the bookcase.
Elizabeth:All finished!.
Ross:"Holding a beer can & sniffing".This was Carol's favorite beer.She always drank it out of the can I should have known.
Elizabeth:Ross I drink beer out of a can and you don't see me being lesbian.
I cross my arms looking at him.
Ross:Really?
Elizabeth:Yes and that is actually my favorite beer to drink.
Ross just stares at me and I take the beer from him and drink it.
Elizabeth:I'd kiss one of you but I'm not drunk enough to forget it."Smirks".
The guys stare at me and shake their heads and then Joey Speaks up.
Joey:Hey,hey,hey,hey if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.
Chandler:Yes please don't spoil all this fun.
Joey:Ross let me ask you a question.She got the furniture,the stereo,the good TV what did you get?.
Ross:You guys.
Elizabeth:Oh God.
Joey:You got screwed.
Chandler:Oh my God.
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Later on in Ross's Apartment Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture and I'm sitting down drinking the rest of the beer.
Ross:I'm divorced!.I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!.
Joey:Shut up!.
Chandler:You must stop!.
Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.
Ross:That only took me an hour.
Joey goes into the kitchen as Chandler talks to Ross.
Chandler:Look Ross you gotta understand between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento.You however have had the love of a woman for four years.Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out and that is why we don't do it!...I don't think that was my point.
Ross:You know what the scariest part is?. What if there's only one woman for everybody y'know?.I mean what if you get one woman and that's it?.Unfortunately in my case there was only one woman for her...
Joey:What are you talking about?.One woman?.That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you.Lemme tell you something Ross.There's lots of flavors out there.There's Rocky Road and Cookie Dough and Bing!.Cherry Vanilla.You could get em with Jimmies or nuts,or whipped cream!.This is the best thing that ever happened to you!.You got married you were like what eight?.Welcome back to the world!.Grab a spoon!.
Ross:I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler:Stay out of my freezer!.
Elizabeth:"Jokingly".And me.
Later on we are all sitting around and talking.
Ross:Grab a spoon.Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon?.Do the words Billy don't be a hero mean anything to you?.
Joey:Great story!.But I uh I gotta go I got a date with Andrea...Angela...Andrea...Oh man."Looks to Chandler".
Chandler:Angela's the screamer,Andrea has cats.
Joey:Right.Thanks.It's June.I'm outta here."Leaves".
Ross:Y'know here's the thing.Even if I could get it together enough to,to ask a woman out...who am I gonna ask?."Looks out the window".
Elizabeth:"Clears throat".I have to go to actress things.Seey you tommorow boys."Leaves".
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-September 23rd 1994-
The next day at Monica's Apartment Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler and I notice I have run out of mine I got from Central Perk.We are sitting at the kitchen table.
Rachel:Isn't this amazing?.I mean I have never made coffee before in my entire life.
Chandler:That is amazing.
Joey:Congratulations.
Elizabeth:What they said.
Rachel:Y'know I figure if I can make coffee there isn't anything I can't do.
Chandler:If can invade Poland there isn't anything I can't do.
Joey:Listen while you're on a roll if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something...
Joey and Chandler taste the coffee then quickly pour it into a plant pot.
Joey:Although actually I'm really not that hungry...
Monica enters from her bedroom.
Monica:Oh good Lenny and Squigy are here.
Rachel:Morning.
Elizabeth:Good morning.
Paul:"Entering from Monica's room". Morning.
Joey:Morning Paul.
Rachel:Hello Paul.
Chandler:Hi Paul is it?.
Elizabeth:Hey Paul.
Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so we can't hear.So we move Monica's kitchen table closer to the door so that we can.
Paul:Thank you.Thank you so much.
Monica:Stop.
Paul:No I'm telling you last night was like um all my birthdays,both graduations,plus the barn raising scene in Witness.
Monica:We'll talk later.
Paul:Yeah."Kisses her".Thank you."Leaves".
Joey:That wasn't a real date?!.What the hell do you do on a real date?.
Monica:Shut up and put my table back.
Everyone:Okay.
We put the table back just like she said to do.
Chandler:All right kids I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers...it doesn't make much of a difference.
Rachel:So like you guys all have jobs?.
Elizabeth:Yeah we all have jobs...See that's how we...buy stuff.
Joey:Yeah I'm an actor.
Rachel:Wow!.Would I have seen you in anything?.
Joey:I doubt it.Mostly regional work.
Monica:Oh wait,wait unless you happened to catch the Reruns production of Pinocchio at the little theater in the park.
Joey:Look it was a job all right?.
Chandler:Look Gippetto I'm a real live boy.
Joey:I will not take this abuse.
Joey walks to the door and opens it to leave.
Chandler:You're right I'm sorry.
Chandler begins to dance and sing out the door.
Chandler:Once I was a wooden boy,A little wooden boy...
Joey:You should know that he's a dead man. Oh Chandler?.
Joey leaves to go after Chandler which leaves me laughing.
Monica:So how you doing today?.Did you sleep okay?.Talk to Barry?.I can't stop smiling.
Rachel:I can see that.You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
Monica:I know he's just so,so...Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?.
Rachel:Oh yeah.
Monica:Well it's like that.With feelings.
Rachel:Oh wow.Are you in trouble.
Monica:Big time!.
Rachel:Want a wedding dress?.Hardly used.
Monica:I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here.Okay.Okay.I am just going to get up,go to work and not think about him all day.Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
Rachel:Oh look wish me luck.
Elizabeth:What for?.
Rachel:I'm gonna go get one of those...job things.
Monica leaves.
Elizabeth:Good luck Rach.
I leave the apartment.
*****************************************
At Central Perk everyone but Rachel is here and Monica had just told us about her Paul the wine guy issue.Joey is sitting on the arm of the couch.
Joey:Of course it was a line!.
Monica:Why?!.Why?,Why,why would anybody do something like that?.
Elizabeth:To get you into bed.
Ross:I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than to get you into bed.
Monica:I hate men!,I hate men!.
Phoebe:Oh no don't hate you don't want to put that out into the universe.
Elizabeth:I agree with PB on that Mon.
Monica:Is it me?.Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?.
Phoebe:All right c'mere gimme your feet.
Phoebe starts massaging Monica's foot.
Monica:I just thought he was nice y'know?.
Joey:"Laughing".I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!.
Monica pushes him off of the couch as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.
Rachel:Guess what?.
Ross:You got a job?.
Rachel:Are you kidding?.I'm trained for nothing!.I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
Chandler:And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel:You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale fifty percent off!.
Chandler:"Sarcasically".Oh how well you know me...
I chuckle at Chandler's comment.
Rachel:They're my new I don't need a job,I don't need my parents,I've got great boots... Boots!.
Monica:How'd you pay for them?.
Rachel:Uh credit card.
Monica:And who pays for that?.
Rachel:Um...my...father.
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At Monica and Rachel's everyone is sitting around the kitchen table.Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.
Rachel:Oh God come on you guys is this really necessary?.I mean I can stop charging anytime I want.
Monica:C'mon you can't live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel:I know that.That's why I was getting married.
Phoebe:Give her a break it's hard being on your own for the first time.
Rachel:Thank you.
Phoebe:You're welcome.I remember when I first came to this city.I was fourteen.My mom had just killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison and I got here and I didn't know anybody.And I ended up living with this albino guy who was like cleaning windshields outside port authority and then he killed himself and then I found aromatherapy.So believe me I know exactly how you feel.
Ross:The word you're looking for is...Anyway.
Monica:All right you ready?.
Rachel:No.No,no.I'm not ready!.How can I be ready?.Hey Rach,You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?. Come on I can't do this.
Monica:You can I know you can.
Rachel:I don't think so.
Ross:Come on you made coffee.You can do anything.
Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.
Ross:C'mon,cut.Cut,cut,cut,...
We all begin to chant.(Cut,cut,cut,cut,cut,cut,cut)Rachel cuts one of them and we cheer.
Rachel:Y'know what?.I think we can just leave it at that.It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...
That's when i notice something about the card.
Elizabeth:Rachel!.That was a library card.
We all begin to chant again.(Cut,cut,cut,cut, cut,cut,cut)
Chandler speaks up as Rachel is cutting the cards.
Chandler:Y'know if you listen closely you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
Elizabeth:Yeah they are all saying....No we lost another to being cut off from dad's money.
Chandler smirks at my comment and then Rachel finishes cutting the cards up and we all cheer.
Monica:Welcome to the real world...It sucks.You're gonna love it.
Monica gives Rachel a hug and i then give her a hug too.