"Me or Beyoncé?" Lauren asked running her hand through Camila's hair.
"You. Me or Lana Del Ray?
"Threesome?" Lauren asked suggestively.
"Pick!"
"That's hard. Fine you." Lauren smirked. "Me or Ryan Gosling"
"Ryan! Sorry babe but he is...Jesus Christ he's perfect. I guess I loose?" Camila asked.
"Yes. I only didn't pick you once. You didn't pick me three times. You have to pick the date this week. Loser." Lauren said pushing her off her own lap. The smaller girl got up and Lauren teased by smacking her butt.
"LAUREN!" Camila's yelled hitting her arm. Lauren gave her a look. "So what if I maybe sort of kind of liked that. But don't do it again." Camila groaned.
"Eh well. You said you've got homework to do but I want to kiss your face first." Lauren said standing up hovering over her a bit because of the slight height difference. "I start training tomorrow." Lauren muttered.
"You'll be fine. I have a test tomorrow." Camila smiled.
"Good luck babe." Lauren leaned down and kissed her softly. Her hands dropped to the girls waist as Camila's found Lauren's neck. She scratched the nape of her neck and Lauren deepened the kiss. She pinned her against the wall and let her hands roam. Camila moaned a bit but pulled away feeling Lauren's slight bulge.
"That was hot." Camila smirked.
"It's the least I can do. No sex." Lauren smiled kissing her swollen lips again.
"I love this responsible Lauren. It's a turn on. But I have to go now. I'm sorry Id love to stay and make out with you more but school comes first. Bye babe." Camila said walking out the door. Lauren looked down at her jeans and laughed to herself.
"Shower time." Lauren smirked walking into the bathroom.
---
Ally and Lauren sat in her dorm.
"So today is your off day from Camila?" Ally asked.
"Yup. I plan to spend it with you and Heather and then soccer training of course. Also you've got to meet this guy named Liam he's pretty cool. Not bad looking either." Lauren said resting her hand over her stomach. "Ally, where you there when Camila gave birth to....the uh..."
"Yeah. I was. That's such a sad subject, but I'm willing to tell you things." Ally said looking at her friend.
"Could you tell the gender?" Lauren asked softly.
"Girl. Yeah she was a bit developed at the time." Ally said softly.
"Wow. Is it bad to say I'm glad Camila miscarried? I mean I know this was such a long time ago but it's been on my mind for a while. If she didn't miscarry we would have been such a broken family. Almost like my own. I guarantee you I would have walked out. Camila doesn't know I was an out-patient over the summer going to continuous therapy sessions, group meetings, all that crap. She doesn't know I turned to drinking a lot after Prom and graduation. Shit she doesn't even know I was in the hospital with Alcohol poisoning. She doesn't know how much I abused my body after I got this new heart. You know. Normani knows. Dinah, she even knows but Camila doesn't and I have no clue how I can just spill all this on her." Lauren sighed looking up at Ally.
"Your journal." Ally mumbled.
"I don't know...." Lauren shrugged. "I'll talk to her about stuff. I'm not sure. Baby steps though."
"That'a girl. Well I better go get ready for the day ahead. See yah Lauren." Ally said getting up and walking over to her dorm.
---
Lauren sat with Heather in the lounge looking at the cards in her hand.
"3 Queens." Heather said putting down three cards. Lauren sighed and shook her head.
"Bullshit." She simply said. Heather groaned and pulled the pile of cards into her hand.
"You're good at this...." Heather mumbled.
"I know that's why I just won. 4 Kings." Lauren said putting down the last four cards in her hand.
"I guess I'm buying lunch?" Heather asked.
"You don't have to. I'm not really hungry anyways." Lauren shrugged sitting back in the chair stretching her arms over her head.
"You seem really mellow...you all good?" Heather asked putting the cards back in the box.
"Yeah I'm just anxious I guess. I've had some things on my mind that I have to tell my girlfriend and I don't know exactly how to because its a lot." Lauren sighed looking at the girl in front of her.
"Do you write about it? Like in a journal or diary or something?" Heather asked.
"Yeah. My friend said I should let her read about it. Do you think I should?" Lauren asked agin.
"Yeah. It's still you telling her but not verbally you know what I mean?" Lauren nodded and ran her hand up and down her legs because they where sweaty. She hated anxiety ever inch of it.
"Can I ask you something?" Heather asked.
"Sure."
"What's it like you know being intersex?" Heather asked.
"Well..." Lauren started. She went on about the pros and the cons of it. How she didn't get monthly or how she didn't have to deal with mood swings. Or how it's easy to get someone pregnant or even how horny you get and how fast it can happen. How you have the body of a girl but the part of a boy. How much you sweat. How much you eat. How many times you're tempted to jack off and or even hump things. Also how if you don't have hormones as a kid to stop the process you end up penified as Lauren calls it. Also how your own dick is bigger than average. "But you're a horny mess 99% of the time."
"Wow...just wow. That's crazy. So do you wear boxers and stuff?" Heather asked.
"Yeah I do. From Calvin Klein to Hanes. I don't know what that was supposed to me but yeah." Lauren chuckled.
"Do you have more hair than girls?" Heather asked.
"No I do not."
"Could you breast feed?" Heather asked again.
"Probably if I could get pregnant but I can't so...no." Lauren laughed again.
"Have you ever dated a boy?" Heather questioned.
"Yes. And no he did not break up with me because of this. I broke up with him." Lauren added.
"Would you ever pleasure a gay boy?"
"Maybe." Lauren said unsure.
"Condom or no condom?"
"Alway condom." Lauren said thinking back to Camila's miscarriage and sighed.
"Ok last one. If you where drunk and some other girl was and your girlfriend wasn't there would you take her and have sex with her? Not being the right state of mind though..." Heather tested.
"My mind works in weird ways Id probably initiate it. Drag her away unclothed her. Get hard. Pull my own pants off. Then realize I can't cheat. Pull my pants back up and then apologize and leave the party instantly." Lauren said, "then of course Id be honest with Camila and tell her what happened. Id probably get a cookie for not cheating. Not sure." Lauren shrugged laughing.
"You're a good person Lauren." Heather smiled.
"Thanks."
---
The week went on with Lauren and Camila following their small put together schedule. Lauren decided to pick the third date instead of Camila. She took it as an opportunity to let Camila into her journal. The two girls sat by the fountain in the quad. Under the start sky.
"Why here?" Camila asked softly enjoying the moonlit scenery.
"I didn't want this date to be big and flashy. I just wanted it to be about us not the big quality of the date just the people on the date. As you can see I brought your favorite type of sandwich. Peanut butter banana and Nutella sandwich. Un Crusted and cut in triangles. Your favorite. And my play regularly pb&j. Also I brought this..." Lauren pulled out her journal and let it rest on her lap. The tumblr like pictures cover the front and she smiled. "I feel like you haven't been filled in on a lot of what happened in my life after we broke up. I talked to Ally about it and she suggested I let you into my journal. You're the first I've let in that far ever and I feel like I can trust you inside my head. All my thoughts are in here. Everything. I want you to read page 16 through 19. It's everything you've missed. That I'm too cowardly to speak about out loud to you." Lauren said looking at her girlfriends eyes.
"Lauren...this means so much." Camila smiled setting her sandwich down to pull open the journal.
"Out loud..." Lauren said.
*TRIGGER WARNING FOR EACH JOURNAL*
Dear journal
It's Lauren here. Obviously. I'm here in the dark walled waiting room waiting to got into therapy. After my heart surgery I left Camila. It's almost two months since we've talked and rumor is she's with my brother not that I care Im glad he's happy but I miss her. Anywho this about me not her. Today I had an anxiety attack. I felt like I was going to die because I could not in any way get my breathing back on track. So my mom decided it was time. It was time I become an outpatient in a looney hospital. Rehab. Physc Ward. I'm crazy I guess. But I wouldn't be crazy if I could just talk to someone I trust. This freaking lady is creepy. I don't trust her but I have to go in now. See yah.
- Lauren.
"You went to rehab?" Camila asked softly looking at her girlfriends moonlit face her green eyes a dull grey blue now.
"Yeah. But I wasn't exactly locked up. I just went for a whole day every other day." Lauren sighed.
"I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you." Camila sighed.
"It's fine. Keep reading."
Dear....fuck this shit.
I can barely seeee the page. In drunk as fuck. Mandy left me at the stupid ass stoner party. Fucking bitch. I think this is the third time I've turned to Sri king. I'm sure my handwrint is bad and my words mispeld. Oh well. Anywayz. Drinking has bcum a prt OV me. I love the burning feeling of alchol tunning doen my throat. Am I a drunky. Probably. Shit no one give a fuck bout me. Not even my own sefl. Fuck life
-Laren
"Lauren...." Camila said sadly.
"I know I know. Just keep going."
Dear fucking Journal.
Oh how I love WRITING that shit every time.
Ok so I almost died. Yes yes me I almost died. I was in the hospital for almost a month or so with alcohol poisoning. My mom was sad disappointed and pissed all at once. My dad same with him. My brother was too busy fucking the girl I once loved to even care about me. Yeah yeah they are a thing now. Says Normani. She's the only one who visited me. Ally was in Texas so I can't really get mad. Dinah fucked me over because I "hurt" Camila too bad. Fuck her. Fuck Dinah Jane. She was never a real friend to me. They told me to keep my drinking to a minimal. Fuck that. I'll drink Jack. All day. Every time I get thirsty. I'll drink that brown liquid. I'm fine and I'll be fine. So what I pass out a bit. So what I throw up everywhere. No one cares enough. I fucking hate myself. Can't I just die?
-LJ
Camila felt tears form in her eyes and she quickly wiped them away.
"One more." Lauren said softly.
Dear Journal
This might be the last. I'm so done with everything at this point. Nothing is helping. Drinking, smoking, I broke my wrist because I was so angry because NO ONE CARED. My mom was so tired of me not getting better she gave up so I broke my wrist. Slamming it multiple times in the door and even then it took her a few days to notice the bruised skin on me. My dad walked out. My brothers happy with my ex. Normani completely dropped me because my "problems became to draining for her emotionally." Bullshit.
The only person who ever cared is and was Camila. She loved me. I loved her. I wanted her to stop caring so I pushed her so far away that it's almost four months since we talked and she's forgotten me. I'm suicidal.
I'm suicidal and I have to accept the fact that I want to die. I'm in love with death. At this point. I have no purpose. My chest is scared up. My wrist is in a cast. The only thing people want me for is my body. But even then once they removed my shirt they get mortified because of the tough scared skin.
Only one thing has kept me from killing myself and it's this.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I wrote this three times for one reason. Because it's the only thing I can believe in. Also because it's my second and favorite tattoo. Besides my dragonfly. Anyways. This isn't a suicide letter. It's a journal entry. I'm going to better myself but accept who I am.
Bye for now
-LJ
Camila closed the book and handed it to Lauren.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there." Camila said tears falling from her eyes.
"Don't cry. It's over now. You're here now. All I want to do is live in the now. And that's with you. I didn't know how to tell you all those things. I couldn't but now you know and I trust you to still love me with every flaw I have. Nothing and I mean nothing is going to tear us apart. Not this time." Lauren said softly looking at her girlfriend.
"Where's the tattoo?" Camila asked softly. Lauren sat back and lifter her shirt showing Camila her rib cage. Camila grabbed her shirt and pulled it all the way off leaving her in her sports bra. Camila kissed the scars by her chest and Lauren melted into her touch.
"You're perfectly imperfect." Camila mumbled against her skin.
"Because you make me perfect." Lauren said softly looking at her. " You mended my broken heart. I love you." Lauren said softly again.
"I love you too." Camila replied. She connected their lips and pushed her against the back of the fountain. She straddled her and rested her head on her chest. Lauren felt comfortable with Camila in her hold. She felt safe.
---
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