Today, every step that I make as I walk along the corridor of the hospital feels heavy. I just made a phone call to somewhere far away. Somewhere I will be. Soon.
It has been three days after I received the first phone call from them. And I've made up my mind.
I halt in front of the room, peeking through the glass on the door. And there inside the room, I see Vaughn, sitting on the bed.
And my throat hurts so much. Tears pool in my eyes.
I'm starting to doubt myself again whether I have enough strength to do this.
To leave him.
Right now. When he's still lying in the hospital. Wounded because of me. And it's very cruel of me that what I'm going to do next will just add more pain to his wounds, making them even worse.
I move away from the door and lean back against the wall. I can't do this.
But I have to. For myself. For him. For us.
Tears escape my eyes and roll down my cheeks. It hurts so much. It hurts me to the core that I have to leave him. I wish I could spend more time with him, even just for one more day, but my time is running out. I'll have to tell him soon.
But right now, I just want to cry. Cry, cry and cry. Breaking down. Pouring all of these tears. Because my heart screams for him. It never wants to leave him. It wants to stay here. How can it leave him if he never gives it back?
God, please give me strength.
Please ease my pain. I can't be like this when I talk to him.
And please heal all his wounds, including those I'll inflict when I deliver him this news.
I'm sitting on the bed, waiting for Melanie. She said that she wanted to have lunch in the cafeteria, and I can't blame her if she wants to get out of this room once in a while to get some fresh air. I never like hospital either. I wish we could go home soon.
But my thoughts stop at that. Home. Where is our home? My heart sinks as I realize again that we have no home to come back to. Yet.
I know for sure that she can't go back to Boston. It will kill her. But my future still lies in there. I have to think fast. I have to make a plan, but I can't rush it, because my future and hers are something that should be planned carefully.
The door creaks open, and I see her coming in. My heart beats twice. It's funny how she still gives me this kind of feeling every time I look at her, no matter how many times I see her. Perhaps, it's because a part of me still thinks that this is too good to be true. I've never thought that she would forgive me. The three bullets that I took are nothing compared to the pain of losing her.
Thank you, Melanie. Thank you for giving me a second chance.
She approaches me and sits beside the bed, looking down. But I still can catch sight of the sadness skating on her face, and that makes me frown.
"Melanie, what's wrong?" I ask, my worry evident in my voice.
Slowly, she looks up at me, and my breath catches in my throat. She's been crying, a lot, her eyes puffy and red.
"Baby, what's the matter?" Urgency fills my tone. My heart thumps wildly inside my chest as I think about her being hurt again. All the horrible thoughts fill up my mind, and anger builds up inside me -- I'm guessing that it's about that one fucking bastard. "Did something happen to Derek?" I've been watching the news and know that he's in nowhere else but jail. "Did the court say something against us?"
She shakes her head, holding my hand in hers to calm me down. "No, it's not about that. From the latest update I've heard from Jake, there's no way that he can escape the punishment."
"Then what made you cry?" I stroke her hand while my other hand gently cups her chin so that she can look me in the eyes.
More tears pool in her beautiful emerald orbs, and pain strikes me. I hate to see her crying.
"Vaughn, I--" she begins. "I don't think we can do this." Her words make my frown deepen. "I don't think we can stay like this," she stutters.
Now, I'm starting to hate myself for not understanding her sentence. What the hell does she mean?
Sensing that I'm still struck by her words, she continues, "During my time here in Texas, I've been finishing some new college applications." This is something new that I hear from her, and a horrible feeling stirs inside me. If she's been keeping this information as a secret, then it's nothing good for me. "And I was thrilled that one of them responded to my proposal quite quickly."
I'm still at a loss for words. This is her future, and I should have expected this kind of thing. All this time, I've been keeping this thought at the back of my mind because I can't imagine her having a future without me. Whatever her path is, I'll stand by her side, so what she said earlier doesn't make sense to me.
I don't even realize that my hand is shaking when I stroke her hand again.
"Well, that's good to hear, Mel," I say. "I'm sure we can work things out together--"
"No, you don't understand," she cuts me off, her voice shaking. "We-we can't be together anymore."
That sentence makes me want to explode. Did I hear her right?
She can't just suddenly throw this in my face and decides everything for us.
"I'm leaving," she finally chokes, and I feel like my heart is about to be shattered all over again. "I'm going to Australia."
I freeze, shocked to the core. I've never expected such information from her.
"Australia?" I echo. "Melanie," I pause, the shock still making me difficult to speak. "That's somewhere extremely far away from here."
She lets out a shaky breath, and I clench my fist. Sure, I don't expect her to start college in Boston again, but I've hoped that she stays in this country, maybe in one of the states nearby. I've definitely not expected her to choose a place that is on another continent on the other side of the world. But then, it's actually one of the options she would consider, and I was too afraid to admit it.
"That's exactly what I need, Vaughn," she says, her voice filled with determination. "And the university has accepted me to enroll in their mid-year intake."
Mid-year? I'm shaking even more. It means that she's leaving soon. Now. My world around me starts to crumble.
"My family is supporting me on this because they know that it's for the best," she says. "You know I can't stay here," she whispers brokenly.
So she has told her family but not me? I feel like my blood is being boiled, but I'm trying my best not to lose control around her. I have to keep my mind clear, but it's so hard when she's on the verge of leaving. "Melanie," I whisper. "That doesn't mean that you can just throw away what we have." My voice is shaking, and I can't even hide the pain in it.
"I just don't see how it's going to work," she whispers, tears rolling down her cheeks. And it pains me even more.
"Look, I know that you want to start a new life," I say. "But it fucking hurts me that you push me away again, Mel. What do you see when you look at me?" I rasp, feeling a big lump in my throat. "Do you only see pain? Is that all you remember of me when you see me? Pain? Is that the only thing that you think I can give you?" I feel tears pooling in my eyes too from thinking that it might be the truth. I've caused too much pain for her that makes her traumatize, to the point that she needs to get rid of me to start a new life.
"No," she whispers, shaking her head. "That's not true."
"I'll support you as long as it's the best for you, Mel. But I need you to trust me too. I thought you've forgiven me?" I rasp. "I know that I've broken your trust, but I need you to give me one more chance, Melanie."
She's sobbing hard now, and I can't take it anymore. It's breaking me. I pull her into a tight hug, ignoring the pain when her body crashes on my gunshot wounds, because all I want to do is to hold her in my arms while she's shaking like this.
"I've had enough of seeing you crying, Melanie," I whisper, tightening my hold on her as her tears dampen my neck. "The tears need to stop. Let me wash it all away. Let me make the pain go away. Allow me to do so, Melanie. Don't throw away 'us'," I beg her.
I listen to her sobbing as she pours out all the pain she's feeling inside. When she finally pulls away, she looks at me with tears still streaming down her face.
"No, you don't understand, Vaughn," she rasps.
I listen to her, waiting for her to say more.
"I don't belong here, you know that," she whispers. "I can't have a future here. It's not in the cards for me. It's ruined. What people will remember of me is a shame. And I will just be an obstacle for you. I will only humiliate you. Do you really think that you want to be with a girl like me?"
My jaw tightens. "No, don't say that--"
"But you, Vaughn, you belong here. Your future is here," she says firmly. "You have so many amazing things ahead of you, the result of all your hard work. Your future is bright. You're going to finish off the rest of your study in Boston while there are already so many great companies here lining up to recruit you once you graduate. You belong here. While I don't belong here, just like you don't belong in the place I'm about to go to. Did you get what I mean?"
My world seems to stop as I realize how serious she is about this. It's not that she wants to, but it's because she can't stay with me.
But then, if I hadn't broken her heart and left her, all of this wouldn't have happened. I've abandoned and destroyed her, causing her to fall right into Derek's trap, and all the shit happened.
The lump in my throat is getting bigger. Is this the price that I have to pay? The three bullets that I took aren't enough. I have to pay for something bigger. And that is losing her.
"I forgive you, Vaughn," she whispers. "But that doesn't mean that we can be together."
I shake my head in denial. The more words come out from her mouth, the more I sense that the end is really nearing, and it's fucking ripping my soul.
"I need to do this, Vaughn. I need this," she says. "You need this."
I clench my jaw. "Melanie, you don't damn well know what I need."
"Do you think that I would be that selfish?" she cries, more tears falling to her cheeks. And the sight is killing me. "I won't let you sacrifice yourself for me again, Vaughn. Look where we are now. I'm only here in Texas, but you're already throwing away your internship." Her sobs are getting worse.
"Melanie," I whisper, trying to soothe her. "I did that because I wanted to be with you. I needed to protect you."
"I never asked you for it," she says. "You shouldn't have."
Another pain slices my heart. Is she saying that she doesn't need me?
"Can't you see it?" She stares at me brokenly, her eyes begging me to let her go. "That's exactly what I'm talking about. I... I will only become your weakness," she chokes in tears.
"No." I clench my fist tight. "Melanie, you are my strength." I don't know what else I should say to make her understand. I'm also begging her. Begging her not to give up on us. "From what my eyes are telling me now, I can only see you crying. Leaving me pains you, Mel. And that's the only thing I need to not give up on us."
This can't be the end of us. I've never thought that my world would fall apart in a blink of an eye.
While we're still too lost in this mess, a nurse suddenly comes into the room. I notice that Melanie spares her a glance before her expression quickly changes. I know what will happen next, and she can't do this to me. I would rather die.
"I'm sorry." A soft cry leaves her lips before she turns around, and my heart stops.
"Don't you dare--" I wince as I try to move from the bed, the pain striking my gunshot wounds from the abrupt movement. But I have to get off. Or else, she'll go away. "Melanie," I call, unknowingly let my tears fall on my cheeks. But she keeps walking, further and further.
I rip off the infusion tube attached to the back of my hand, ignoring the nurse's scream as she rushes to me.
"Mr Vaughn Cooper, you are still not allowed to walk--"
But I don't give a damn. I try to walk with difficulty, but the pain on my wounds is unbearable that I collapse. I can hear Melanie's sobs getting louder. I need to get to her, to hold her.
The nurse quickly presses the bell next to the bed, and more medics rush into the room, stopping me, dragging me back toward the bed. "No!" I groan in pain, trying to run to her. "Melanie!" But I collapse again. Still, I push to stand up on my feet.
How could you leave me like this, Melanie? How could you leave me when you know that I wouldn't be able to run after you in this state?
The pain from the gunshots hurts like hell. Maybe I've just opened the wounds. But it's nothing compared to the pain in my heart as I watch her walk away. It feels like it's being stabbed by a thousand knives.
When I was shot, struggling between life and death, my heart almost stopped beating. But then, it beat again, for her.
How can it survive now without her? How?
More gasps and screams fill my ears as I keep trying to get up and run after her. But I fail miserably, the wounds stopping me from getting to her.
Another groan of pain leaves my lips. Darkness and my own tears begin to distract my vision, more pressures pressed on my arms as the medics try to put me back on the bed.
Melanie...
I try to call her name one more time, before I feel myself falling into nothingness.
***
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