Vinny Taylor
Things were always simpler outside, in the park, in the tree. My feet dangled from where I sat on the branch and my eyes caught a figure coming toward me. I was relieved when I realized it was Carson. My guilt had eaten at me after shutting him out earlier in the night while he was at my house. Out here at the park, I couldn't shut him out. And I didn't want to.
Carson immediately started climbing the tree to get to me. He had done better this time around than the time before and climbed it quicker than I thought he would, giving me less time to think of what I wanted to say to him.
When I texted him to meet me here, his response was immediate, like he had been waiting by the phone for me or staring at it thinking of something to say to me. I hated thinking about the stress I caused him.
"Are you alright?" he asked me, pulling himself onto the branch and shifting so he was right next to me with his hands clutching the branch for dear life.
"Not really," I said. I didn't want to lie to him or hide from him. "Just don't feel my best today."
I was surprised I was even allowing myself to say that to him. Part of me wanted to hide the dark parts of me so that he would never have to experience them, but I knew that would be impossible. And if I kept him in the dark about it, it would only leave him hurt and confused. And possibly resentful.
"You know you can talk to me about anything," Carson replied, sliding his hand to go over mine. His hand was warm over my ice cold one, evidence that I had been outside for too long. "Your hand is freezing," he said.
"I know," I replied, looking down at our hands. "There's really nothing to talk about. It's just one of those days."
My half-truths to him wouldn't be able to last long, but there was only so much vulnerability I could show without baring myself to him and leaving myself defenseless. I wanted to tell myself that the walls I built around me protected me. That was how I justified this anyway.
Carson's thumb started moving over the back of my hand. He had a contemplative look on his face, like he was deciding on whether to speak, or, what to speak about.
"My mom wants to have you over for dinner some time," he said after a few moments of silence. "I told her that it might be too early for that, but I'd talk to you about it."
The truth of the matter was, no time would be enough time for me to prepare to have dinner with Carson's mother. I would be stressed out over it no matter what.
"Do you think that's something you'd wanna do?" he asked after I didn't say anything.
"Yeah, I mean, yes I—" I paused. "I want to, I just don't want her to think I'm not good for you or anything."
Carson shot me a puzzled look. "Why would she think that?"
I raised my eyebrows at him. "Because you're you and I'm me."
Carson let out a laugh and shook his head at me. "Yes, very good Vin, you're you and I'm me."
"I'm serious," I told him, my lips turned in a frown.
"So am I," Carson replied. "She already knows you, and likes you, so it's not some formal thing or her trying to decide if you're good for me or not. She just wants to see you."
"When did you tell her about us?"
"I didn't really have to tell her," he said. "She just kinda knew."
"And she's okay with it?"
Carson chuckled. "She's more than okay with it."
I let out a content sigh and leaned closer to Carson, resting my head on his shoulder.
"Thanks for asking me to come here," Carson said after a few moments of silence. "I know it was probably hard for you to even admit something was wrong."
Carson continued to prove just how much better he was than me and anyone else I knew. He just understood me better than I ever imagined he would. And he didn't hold it against me that I was difficult to deal with. He just got it and went with it.
Instead of reminding Carson how perfect he was, I lifted my head from his shoulder and planted a kiss on his mouth that became slower and deeper. I didn't time it this time, mostly, because I didn't want it to end.
But it did end. And we walked back to Carson's house so that he could drive me home. When we got to my house, I didn't want to leave him, but I leaned over the center console and pecked him on the lips, promising to see him the next day before I got out of the car and walked around the house to climb up to my window.
I nearly fell out of the window as I climbed through. My dad was sitting on my bed, reading one of my books. My heart pounded, startled to see him there. He turned to face me as I stepped into the room.
"How was your night?" he asked, raising his eyebrows at me.
"Fine," I muttered, turning to close the window then standing before him as he closed the book and put it down on my bed.
"Where'd you go?"
I let out a sigh as he continued staring at me with a stern expression. It was obvious he wasn't happy with me for sneaking out and I was sure he would waste no time letting me know that.
"Just to the park," I replied, awkwardly scratching the back of my neck.
"You decided that would be a good idea to go out at midnight on a school night?"
"I never said it was a good idea."
Dad narrowed his expression at me and sat up on the bed, patting the space beside him for me to sit. I obliged and looked straight ahead as he stared at the side of my face. I mentally cursed at myself for forgetting to lock my bedroom door.
"Do you do this often?" he asked me after a brief moment of quiet between us.
"I don't know Dad, sometimes I guess," I told him, my tone exasperated.
"I'm just trying to figure out why you feel the need to sneak out," he retorted in a hard tone.
I couldn't exactly tell him that sometimes it felt like he and Mom were suffocating me. They wanted me to get out more, but they didn't at the same time, and I knew that. They still forced me to be home every night for dinner and they still watched me like a hawk whenever I was near them. They wanted me to be back to normal, but they didn't want me out of their sight.
"Sometimes I just need to get out, Dad," I said with a sigh.
"Not at midnight on a school night," he said. "Not without letting us know where you're going."
"Do you always know where Logan is?" I snapped. Because I knew the answer: he didn't.
"We're not talking about Logan, we're talking about you," Dad retorted and I could feel him getting more and more annoyed with me.
It was different with Logan because they didn't see him as fragile as they saw me. He was their normal son and I was the son with issues that needed to be constantly watched or something bad would happen or whatever they thought. It was exhausting.
"I don't even know what to do with you because grounding you and forcing you to stay home is the opposite of what I want to do," Dad sighed, running a hand through his hair. It wasn't like that would help anyway. I would just sneak out if I really wanted to and he knew that.
"You could just pretend this never happened," I suggested and he let out a snort, glancing over at me with a small grin.
"That would be convenient for you."
"And for you," I said.
Dad shook his head. "No, because I would still have the knowledge that you're God knows where in the middle of the night and it would stress me the fuck out like it is right now."
"I'm not kidding, I was just at the park with Carson," I admitted before realizing what I had just done.
His eyebrows shot up on his forehead and he sent me a look of confusion.
"With Carson?"
It would be easy to lie and tell him that we were just friends and the two of us hung out on occasion, but with Logan and all his friends knowing about my relationship, it was only a matter of time before my parents found out about it. Carson had already mentioned telling my parents, but I had brushed him off because I didn't want to deal with it. Who knew if Logan would keep his big mouth shut about it anyway.
"Yeah," I said, clearing my throat and avoiding eye contact with my father. "Yeah, we're kinda together."
"Together?"
"Dating."
Dad stared at me as if taking a moment to register what I had just said. I was even surprised at myself for admitting this to him, not knowing how he would react.
"Since when?" he asked.
"About a month."
He just stared at me again.
"Does Logan know?"
I nodded.
I could tell he wanted to say more, but he was biting his tongue which wasn't like him at all. He usually said exactly how he felt.
"When were you going to tell me this?" he asked, his voice quieter than it was before.
"I don't know, Dad," I told him, letting out a deep breath. "Whenever we were both ready."
"Well now that I know this you don't have to sneak out, just tell me where you're going when you leave the house."
With that, he got up from the bed and left the room.
***
I arrived home from school on Friday afternoon to all of Logan and all his friends sitting in the living room. Dana was practically sitting on Logan's lap on the loveseat while Archie sat next to them. Isaac, Hadley, and Carson were sitting on the couch. Carson smiled at me when I entered the room and I walked over to where he sat on the couch to kiss his cheek. Archie let out a low whistle, earning a shove from Logan.
"Wanna come upstairs?" I asked in a whisper as I leaned down to talk into Carson's ear.
Carson eagerly moved to stand up and follow me before Hadley's voice stopped us.
"Aren't you two going to hang out with us?" she asked. "I'm going to kick Archie's ass in some games. It'll be fun."
Archie scoffed. "You're not going to kick my ass. Let them go have sex upstairs." That earned him another shove from Logan.
"We'll come back down in a little bit," Carson promised her before grabbing my hand and bringing me up to my room. I hoped he didn't expect me to go hang out with his friends later, but I knew I would if he just asked.
"I don't know how you deal with Archie," I told Carson once we were in my room. "He's fucking annoying." I set my backpack down on the floor against my nightstand as Carson laid down on my bed and watched me.
"You get used to it," he said with a laugh. "He's not so bad."
I kicked my shoes off and got on the bed, sitting over Carson's hips. I leaned down and placed my lips over his. Carson's lips moved slowly, staying closed and not allowing me to deepen the kiss. I pulled away and sat up, giving him a strange look.
"Are you okay?" I asked him. "Did you not want to make out?"
"No, I do," he said, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. "I just have something on my mind I guess."
"What?"
Dread immediately filled my thoughts. I could only think of Carson second guessing our relationship and him finally realizing I wasn't at all as good for him as he was for me. I didn't think I could handle that rejection.
Carson stared at me for a moment and placed his hands on the tops of my thighs, rubbing his thumbs over me as if noticing my panic and trying to calm me down.
"You know I'm not a virgin right?" he rushed out, looking down at his hands to avoid eye contact with me.
I nearly choked at his words. That had not been what I expected him to say, though I should have known this topic would come up eventually.
"Why the hell are you saying that?" I asked, trying to force my eyes away from him, but they stayed on his face against my will.
"Because," he started, sitting up straighter. "I didn't know if that was clear and if you thought I was and that's why we haven't..."
I hated this. I wished that was the reason Carson and I hadn't had sex and I didn't know how to explain to him that it wasn't. I felt stuck, knowing I couldn't tell him the whole truth without opening up a part of me that I wanted to keep hidden away for as long as I could.
A deep breath released from my mouth as I got off Carson's lap and stood from the bed, going over to the window sill and opening the window before pulling a cigarette out from the pack in my pocket and lighting it. I sat down on the window sill, faced away from Carson as he moved toward the edge of the bed.
"Vin?"
"I'm sorry," I said, taking a drag from the cigarette and blowing out the smoke.
"For what?"
I made the mistake of glancing at him and seeing the look of concern on his face. He was too fucking perfect. Always kind and considerate and worried about me. If only I deserved him.
"I know it sounds like a bullshit excuse," I started, taking another drag. "But it's me, not you."
"What do you mean?" he asked, leaning further off the bed as if trying to get closer to me while also wanting to give me space.
"We haven't... done that because of my issues," I told him. "Not because I thought you were a virgin or something."
He paused for a moment, registering my words.
"What issues?" he wondered, his head tilting to the side with a curious expression on his face.
My face flushed, suddenly feeling ashamed. I wanted to be able to be vulnerable with him because it felt like he was an open book, trusting me with every part of him, and I hid away. I turned and looked out the window as I finished my cigarette and then put it in the ash tray.
"It's... it's, uh—" I started, still looking out the window. "It's hard for me to, you know, get hard."
He was silent for a moment and I didn't have it in me to face him.
"Like at all," I continued. "Not because of you. It's been hard for me for a while."
"Oh."
I still couldn't look at him.
"Do you know why?" he asked.
"No."
My voice cracked. I finally turned to look at him and his kind face. I was glad I didn't see that look of disappointment, but the look of concern was almost just as bad.
"I don't mean to disappoint you—" I began.
"You're not disappointing me," he assured me with a serious expression that quickly turned into a smile. "I'm just glad we cleared that up."
I returned a tight smile.
"And if you ever want to try to fix that, I can see what I can do." His grin widened.
I threw my head back, letting out a loud laugh at his words. His smile was infectious, causing mine to meet my eyes.
I stood from the window sill and immediately went to Carson, straddling his hips and pushing him back on the bed, continuing what we had started earlier.
**
Hi everyone! Thanks for being so patient while I took a break from this to focus on my finals. I appreciate it :)
Please let me know what you thought of the chapter! What did you think about Carson and Vinny meeting up in the park? And Vinny telling Jeff about him and Carson? What about Carson and Vinny's conversation at the end?