Monday
10 March, 1978
Gryffindor Common Room
I don't want to be a bad friend or anything, but I did forget it was Remus' birthday today.
I mean, first of all, there's been a lot that's happened in the past couple of weeks, so there hasn't been the usual hullabaloo that there normally would be surrounding birthdays (we don't do birthdays by halves in the Gryffindor house).
And second of all, I'm not as obsessed with Remus as I used to be, so I didn't have it on my mind for the months, weeks, and days preceding his birthday.
However, it seems to actually be a trend within our little group of Gryffindors (and Frank), so I don't feel so bad that I forgot.
I mean, it's less that we all forgot it's his birthday and more that we forgot to organise him a birthday party. Also, he didn't even remind us, so it's sort of his own fault. Sort of. Also, there's just been a lot going on. Like, death and voldemort and meetings and NEWTs and it's a lot.
Anyway. We're going to do a small games night type situation (Remus' idea) and I am looking forward to this more than any of the other birthday parties we've had thus far this year.
I'm currently just sitting on the sofa, writing (I know, shocking, right?), with the rest of the gang. It's a pity that Frank's in Hufflepuff because he can't hang out with us in here, but I mean he does have his own friends, so I'm sure he's okay. Who knew I'd ever be friends with a Hufflepuff? Maybe they're not all bad.
Actually, speaking of, I think I'm sort of friends with Isadora James now, or we have a tentative alliance, at the very least. I think it's probably because she's a lot less of a self-righteous twat, and I like the way she sticks up for what's right.
And speaking of twats, Aislin is being a bloody nuisance.
Whoever decided to let her roam around the halls on a daily basis is seriously twisted in the head. Oh, gosh, now I'm talking about her like I used to talk about Black. Gross. I hope this isn't foreshadowing that I'll fall in love with her too, because that would be awful. She's very awful.
Wait, not that I'm in love with Black, or anything.
We're not even dating.
I mean, he did pick me up from the Hospital Wing yesterday morning, and then we may have studied together all day yesterday, but that involved me threatening him at least seven times and him throwing quills at me, so that definitely doesn't count.
I mean sure, yes, I begrudgingly admit that I like the fellow. It's the worst, honestly.
But I can't date him.
First of all, it's Black.
Second of all, Remus. Still kinda awkward with him. I thought we were friends again but no, it's just awkward silences. Muggle Studies has been a time, let me tell you.
I've never been in this sort of situation before, and I know I should probably talk to Remus about it, but it's his birthday and it's weird and I don't even know how to bring up the conversation?
What would I say? 'Hey Remus, can we have a quick chat? Would love to know where you stand on me dating your best friend after I broke up with you a month ago.'
Actually, that's probably exactly what I should say.
Wow, I can't believe my diary has turned into a Black-obsessed monologue.
This is honestly new for me.
Also, at risk of speaking more about him, it's like 4pm and he's already napping on my shoulder on the sofa. It's surprisingly difficult to write in my diary when you have someone lying on your shoulder, but I guess luckily he's on my right shoulder and I'm left handed.
It's giving me somewhat traumatic flashbacks to not a long while ago when someone read my diary. I've forgiven him. Mostly.
Anyway, it was a lesson for me in that I've been working on a super-ultra-epic-secret-charm-lock-inator-spell thing to protect my diary from peering eyes. The thing is, there's far too much information on spells to show secret information, and I don't want to take any risks, so I'm working on one myself. I'd better win a bloody award for it too, seeing as I've spent quite a few hours on it already, and almost singed the hair of some firstie in the library in the process. Don't ask.
Merlin, I just realised I need to work on my Divination assignment, but I can't because this bloody lout insists on going everywhere with me. Oh, that reminds me of when Selywn said I'd gotten the grim? I can't believe she was sort of right. The big, black dog part, not the omen of death part. Well, I hope.
What do you think the chances are of me somehow getting off the sofa without waking Black up?
I'm going to give it a shot because I really don't have any other choice at this point.
Wish me luck, diary!
Monday
10 March, 1978
The Library
Miraculously, it actually somehow worked.
I arrived at the library, unscathed by the repercussions of leaving Sirius Black on the couch.
I mean, there were some repercussions with Remus, but they were good ones! Can you have good repercussions, or does it solely have a negative connotation? More things to research in the library. Does the library even have an English grammar section?
You'd think I would have asked one of my pureblood friends by now to find out how they learn to read and write in the first place. I mean, I went to school until I was 10, but are there wizarding primary schools? Or do they just get private tutors? What if you can't afford a private tutor?
Why am I asking this now of all times, and why haven't I really thought about it before?
These are the real questions.
Oh, Merlin on a stick, I almost forgot what I was actually going to write about!
Remus repercussions! Ooh, I like that alliteration in that. I think alliteration just adds a fresh bit of zest to things.
I'm getting distracted again. My head is all over the place today.
Anyway, what I was actually going to talk about is that I ran into Remus in the Library earlier (and by earlier I mean he literally just left just then and I probably should also but if I leave now then I won't be able to remember everything we just talked about).
So Remus and I have been a bit at odds over the last month or so. I mean our relationship probably did fundamentally change after the whole thing where we almost killed each other, which I think is reasonable.
I think what happened is that I didn't really realise it at the time, but I probably had feelings for Black. Jiminy Cricket, when did I get so comfortable using that phrase in my everyday vernacular? 'Feelings for Black' who am I? Not that it's as straightforward as that, of course.
Anywho.
I would say my conversation with Remus just then was particularly eye opening.
Let's start from the beginning.
I had miraculously removed myself from the sofa without waking up Black, and had retreated to the library to do some last-minute study before Remus' birthday celebration, when I ran into the birthday boy himself.
Now, my last few experiences with Remus have been a bit of a mixed bag of emotions, with some genuinely awful kill-me-now type vibes, and more recently kind of a begrudging alliance, especially in Muggle Studies. I spotted him in one of the Ancient Runes aisles, probably also researching for our current assignment Mercier-Roussel has unfortunately given us (it's so traumatic I can't even explain what it is).
I wasn't going to be rude, although I was nervous to speak to him seeing as I didn't really know where we stood.
I decided the best thing to do would be to say hi.
"Hi Remus," I said. "Sucks you have to do your assignment on your birthday."
"Yeah." He grimaced, but I wasn't sure if it was in regards to me or the said assignment.
"Have you got much left to do?"
"Oh, only about two pages or so," he replied. He put down the book he was flipping through before saying, "Hey, do you want to sit down and talk with me for a bit?"
My stomach immediately flipped over itself, but I somehow mustered up the courage to say, "Sure, I'd love to!"
I ran through about thirty different scenarios in my head of how this could go horribly wrong, but miraculously none of them came to pass.
We sat down where we were, leaning against the bookshelves, and I desperately hoped it wasn't because people barely visit the Ancient Runes section and consequently it would be a lot easier to kill me and dispose of my body.
"I thought we should talk," he began, which I took as a good sign.
"Oh, yeah, sure." I said, trying to pretend I wasn't totally on the precipice of passing away immediately.
"I'm sorry for being a bit of a prat recently." He stared at the ground. "I was just hurt at everything that happened, and I took it out on you, and I'm sorry about that. I just want to be friends again."
"Oh," was all I could think of to say.
"Oh?"
"I just was sitting here thinking of all the terrible things you could have said to me, and so I just wasn't expecting you to say that."
"That doesn't really reflect well on me, does it."
"Well, you were being a bit of a prat as you did just say."
"In my defence, Eva, you weren't a very good girlfriend."
I was a bit taken aback by that.
"In my defense, Remus, you never actually asked me to be your girlfriend, so what was I to do?"
"Didn't I?" he said, his brow furrowing.
"Uh, no, not really."
"I guess that would explain a few things."
I twisted my fingers and looked everywhere except at Remus. The feeling of comfortability I had enjoyed was severely short lived.
"I guess I'm sorry too," I said after the mental equivalent of slapping myself across the face a few times, "for not being a very good sort-of girlfriend."
"Thanks." Remus smiled at me, and it was the first time in a month that he'd done that properly.
"No problem."
Honestly, despite everything that has happened recently, and there's been a lot that's happened recently, Remus and I becoming friends again would probably be the best thing that could happen to me. Clearly our relationship is better off as friends, but when we are friends we're good ones.
I just missed him. That's all.
"Not to bring down the mood on my birthday or anything, but I think I'm just, I dunno, worried that I'll be by myself forever. 'Werewolf' isn't really on anyone's list for 'ideal partner' or anything, and after you just didn't care about it I thought it was my last shot, and then when it didn't really work out between us I just took it all out on everyone else. Well, you."
"Remus, you're not going to end up alone."
"You don't know that."
"Yeah, I do."
"Did you see it in one of Selwyn's crystal balls or something?"
I laughed. "Merlin, no. The only thing I see in those is my own distorted reflection. That or Selwyn's face peering over my shoulder. But that's not what I'm talking about. I mean you've got all of us. You've got the boys, you've got Lily, and Lottie and me. And Marley and Alice and Frank. You probably know other people too, this list isn't exhaustive. Add Dumbledore to the list."
"Wow, you're really good at pep talks, Eva."
"Patience, child."
Remus snorted.
"What I mean is that most people on that list know who you are, and still like you anyway. So it really doesn't seem that far-fetched that one day you'll meet some nice lady who knows who you are, still likes you anyway, and wants to date you, too!"
"I guess so."
"Besides, as you've said, I was a terrible girlfriend, so you can really only go up from here."
"Well, that was my fault for dating you even when I knew you were in love with Sirius."
"I'm not in love with Sirius."
"And I don't engage in self-sabotaging behaviour. See? We can all lie to ourselves. It's not that hard."
"I'm not in love with him."
"Well you're not far off."
"I dunno."
"You should probably work that out, because if I have to put up with one more night of Pad saying, 'Hey Moony, did you see the way she looked at me for a whole five seconds today,' I might actually commit a murder."
"He says that kind of stuff about me?"
He raised his eyebrows so high I thought his head was going to pop off.
"He says that kind of stuff about me?" Remus repeated in a high pitched voice.
"Don't be a prat, Remus."
"You don't be a prat, Eva. Stop stringing the poor kid along. He's got feelings too. So many of them. So many I wouldn't have to hear if you just sorted your stuff out."
"I came here to have a good time and honestly I'm feeling really attacked right now."
"Well, I thought this was going to be a depressing conversation and yet here I am, enjoying myself immensely. Life is apparently full of surprises."
"I don't know if I can date him just yet, we only just broke up like a month ago. It feels wrong."
"Merlin, if I'm all that's stopping you," Remus raised his hands in the air, "then by all means you have my blessing."
"You're my least favourite ex-boyfriend, Remus."
Remus stood up and patted me on the head. "I thought I wasn't your boyfriend, Eva?"
Touche.
"Now, I really need to do that Ancient Runes assignment. This was a good chat though. Let's be friends again, yeah?"
"Yeah, of course."
Remus waved and walked around the bookshelf, leaving behind a smile and taking with him the large hole that had settled on my heart the past couple of months.
He's clearly left me with a lot to think about.
Whether or not I'm actually going to do that is still up in the air at this point.
Tuesday
11 March, 1978
Gryffindor Common Room
Might kill Irvyn Avery, might not, I guess we'll see how the rest of the day goes.
In case anyone ever reads this (obviously against my will), that was a joke.
So I was walking down the hallway with Black-
Oh, Black!
I can't believe I forgot!
I was so tired last night that I went straight to sleep without writing down what happened. Should I do that story first?
Oh, but I'm partway through this one already.
I'll just keep going, we'll come back to Black.
Black was walking me from Charms to my Divination class (which makes no sense because my Divination classroom is on the opposite side of the castle from his History of Magic class) and we took a shortcut through one of Black's many memorised secret routes through the castle before we ran into Avery and his goon posse.
To clarify, by goon posse I mean Irvyn Avery, Michael Nott, Severus Snape, Morwenna Lestrange, Juliette De Vere, Donnan Mulciber and Regulus Black, so I'm not being hyperbolic in my choice of description.
I don't pay an overwhelming amount of attention to whom the people in other houses are friends with, but this particular collection of Slytherins made me nervous.
Maybe it's because Avery is a right prat (and I haven't even started on the others) or maybe it's because they all collectively turned to stare at us as we walked by and just, sort of, sneered in unison with each other.
Mulciber stuck out a foot to trip one of us over, and I with my keen senses and sure reflexes, dodged to the side, but Black chose to just kick his foot and then fall into a roll before standing up perfectly again. I think I've seen Remus do that before actually.
I wonder if they all practiced it together?
After seeing Black wink at Regulus, with Regulus just staring back blankly, I decided it would be wiser to leave without engaging, but of course Avery had something to say about it, the prepubescent-looking imbecile.
"I'd watch your boyfriend's back if I were you, Bishop," he said.
"He's not my boyfriend, Avery."
Black raised an eyebrow. "That's the story we're going with?"
I just shrugged.
"Besides, I'm sure he's perfectly capable of watching his own back, Eeeyr-win," I retorted.
"It's pronounced Irwyn," said Nott.
Avery kicked him in the ankle. "She knows how it's pronounced, idiot." Then he screwed up his face at me and spat, literally physically spat on the floor.
"We'll be off then," said Black, grabbing my hand and pulling me away from what could potentially be a not very fun nor very safe and generally just not a good time conversation.
"Watch your backs!" Avery shouted after us.
We ignored him.
Obviously.
Anyway, it wasn't really anything interesting that happened, Avery's just being a bit of a drama queen. What on earth does watch our backs even mean? He needs to relax.
Oh, right, I should probably write about what happened last night.
It wasn't long after I had talked to Remus in the library that I headed back to the Common Room. Because Lily and James are Head Boy and Girl they sometimes abuse their power and essentially kicked everyone out of the Common Room so we could all hang there for Remus' birthday.
James had written a poem in Remus' celebration. Lily stole it from him and I've borrowed it from her so I could write it down here. It went:
In darkest glen, by babbling brook,
There lies a hidden, secret cove,
Home to daring, dashing rogue,
An honest man, but train-ed crook.
In moonlit night his secret lies,
A reason for his fits of pain,
Of whom his friends so often gain,
A wolfish countenance may arise.
At this point in time, Remus grabbed the parchment from James' hands, asking, "Is there a point to this, Prongs?"
Unfortunately for James, he dropped all seven pieces of parchment (double sided) of which he had written this poem on and got them all confused, and after a considerable amount of begging from Remus was convinced to skip to the final stanza with the promise of a private reading for anyone who was interested at a later date.
This is that stanza, for context:
For those who eat the seagull's eyes,
And dance the jig in Broomsticks Three,
With varied infidelity,
Twelve sickles found does not surprise.
The thirty-seven middle stanzas were unfortunately lost to the fire after a terrible accident involving Marlene McKinnon and a lot of grabbing, but James assures us that he knows it by heart and shall simply rewrite it for everyone to peruse at their leisure.
What the middle stanzas say is anyone's guess at this point.
But I digress, I have more significant stories to tell.
After that led to a heated round of exploding snap where Peter singed off his eyebrow. Don't ask.
Lottie even brought out her wizards chess set, which Remus had great enjoyment of (most of us sat on the sofa at this point, just watching the chaos ensue).
It all came to a head when James asked if there were any fun muggle games we could play, and Lily, for some absolutely depraved reason, said 'seven minutes in heaven.'
We were then informed quite firmly that she was kidding, but that didn't stop Black from asking for a detailed explanation of what the game entailed, and he seemed particularly enthralled once Lily explained it to him.
He announced, "We simply must play."
To which Remus responded, "I think you're off your rocker, mate."
Black elected to simply ignore Remus' wishes, grab an empty bottle from the floor and spin it around.
As luck would have it, it landed on me.
Kidding, it landed on Marlene.
She of course screwed her face into a grotesque picture of horror and disgust, before practically shoving into my hands, and loudly announcing that Black was a 'disgusting man-cretin' and she would have nothing to do with this game.
Black of course insisted that I sub in for Marlene, to which there were general shouts of, 'You must!' and 'Do it for the children!'
Lily then practically shoved us out of the portrait hole, much to Black's great delight and my growing apprehension.
"Looks like it's just us, Evelyn," said Black once Lily had slammed the door shut behind us.
"I'm not playing seven minutes in heaven with you, Black. I'm an adult."
"Ooh, that hardly seems appropriate," said the Fat Lady.
"Would you mind giving us some privacy for seven or so odd minutes?" asked Black, very politely.
She gave us both a long, hard look before agreeing and going off to visit another painting.
"Don't think this changes anything," I said.
Black laughed. "I didn't think you'd actually play that muggle game, don't worry."
"Oh, right."
He leaned against the wall, a tendril of hair dangling precariously over his right eyebrow. Instinctively, I went to move it out of his face.
"Do stop shamelessly flirting with me, Eva, especially if you don't mean it."
I could feel my face going red. "I'm not flirting with you."
Black made a rather big show of moving a piece of my hair away from my face. "That's a lie and we both know it."
"I'm not!"
"No, you are, so tell me, are we doing this?"
"Doing this? What's that s'posed to mean?"
He heaved a sigh. "Will you stop playing games and just, go out with me?"
I felt a lot of things very quickly in succession. What those things were I cannot decipher.
"I'm not sure yet."
"Well, what's holding you back, because we're practically together at this point. You've been spending a lot of time with me."
He made a valid point.
The feelings jumble clouded my head.
"I don't want to be disrespectful to Remus."
"Eva, you know that I'm actually friends with him, and he told me about your conversation today."
"Snitch," I muttered.
"It sounds like you're just making excuses now not to go out with me."
"I never said I don't want to go out with you."
"Then go out with me!"
"Fine!"
"Fine."
"Fine."
"Have it your way," he said, walking back toward the portrait hole. After a couple of seconds he stopped and turned around. "Did... Did you just... Say yes?"
"Yeah?"
I was very confused at this point in time.
"You just agreed yes to go out with me?"
"I said yes! What else do you want from me?"
"This," he said, and took three steps toward me and kissed me.
It was very nice.
I mean, as far as kisses go I was having a right good time of it.
That was until Lily opened the portrait door and everyone stood there gawping at us.
"We didn't think you'd actually do it," whispered Lily, her jaw resting gently on the floor.
"I wasn't- we weren't- this isn't what you think it is at all."
"Well, it looked like you were snogging," said Marlene.
"We were," said Black, hi-fiving her.
I elbowed him in the stomach.
"So violent," he winced.
I looked for Remus' face, and he smiled softly at me, nodding his head ever so slightly.
I suddenly noticed James' face, which had apparently been frozen in a state of intense glee for the past thirty seconds. Lily also noticed this, and decided to pull the door to, saying, "We'll just leave you to it."
"Thank you-" said Black at the exact time I said, "No, it's fine."
He narrowed his eyes at me. "Why?"
"Come on, it's Remus' birthday, let's hang out with our friends. We can do this some other time."
"I like the sound of that," he grinned, pulling me into the portrait hole after Lily.
We sat down on the sofa and watched the fire.
His body was warm against mine, and I felt clearer than I had in a long time.
~~~~~~~~~~
AN: Merry Christmas!!
I hope you enjoy this Christmas present from me to you. Thank you for all of your support for this story and Eva's journey! I love that you're able to share it with me. Let me know some of your favourite parts in the comments!
Also, I was just wondering, how did you find out about this story? I don't really know how the Wattpad algorithms work and I always wonder how people actually come across Eva's adventures.
Love you all,
OXO