"Trauma! You mean the reason I'm funny!" I joke
Yoongi gives me a tight-lipped smile unimpressed with my joke.
"Jin would have laughed," I mumble as I sink into the couch. Earning a raised eyebrow from him.
He was not what I was expecting. I'm not exactly sure what I expected but this quiet straight to the point man sitting in front of me was not it.
I got a short text after work that said his name and to meet him at a small studio. When I walked in, he was already sitting at a computer listening to music.
He lowered the sound, so it was just a soft hum in the background motioned me to sit on the sofa beside the computer and said "Talk".
I don't know what exactly he was looking to get out of me, but we have been at this for a good 30 minutes, me refusing to open up about anything personal and him patiently just staring at me not really saying much after asking me about my "Trauma."
"Tell me every terrible thing you've done and let me love you anyway." He softly says as if he's trying to coax an injured animal.
"Ha love me? Yoongi you don't even know me!" sarcasm lacing my words.
"You have to talk about it... this process will be for nothing if you can't express yourself, it will just consume you. Anxiety and loneliness stay forever, how you choose to make peace with them, that needs a lifetime of consideration. Every situation and every moment, the feelings are so different. I am restless, so are you, so let's find the way and study the way together." He doesn't get closer to me or try to touch me, just letting the silence take over. His eyes piercing me looking into my soul. I finally let out the breath I'd been holding, my heart is painfully pounding in my chest.
"Do you know how it feels to never be able to catch your breath?" my voice barely a whisper, the fear of opening up gripping me with its ugly claws. My heart feels like it's going to burst through my chest. My breathing becomes shallow as I try to hold back my tears.
"That's how it is for me Yoongi. I feel like I'm always underwater barely making it to the surface to get a little air before I'm drowning again. There have been some horrible people in my life, and I've done things I'm not proud of... I don't want anyone to find out, so I hide it." Tears are running down my cheeks and my voice is shaky as I start baring my heart to him.
I don't know what it is about Yoongi, maybe it's his silence or the understanding in his eyes. He doesn't interrupt me or look at me with pity; he just lets me say my piece without judgment. I appreciate that. The only person I've ever said anything to is Dani, but Yoongi makes me feel safe... comfortable for some reason.
"Some days are better than others, I can make it through the day without a negative thought in my mind and other days I'm scared of what I might do to myself. My past haunts me like a shadow that I can't shake, always there telling me I'm worthless, trapping me in the darkness of my mind." The words just spill out on their own now as I wipe my tears in shame.
"At times I'm scared of myself too, thanks to self-hatred and the depression that pays a visit. Min Yoongi is already dead. I killed him, comparing my dead passion with others has long been my daily life" Yoongi finally speaks, sharing a little of his own pain with me.
"I can't say I understand what you have been through, but I do understand that darkness and how it's hard to find your way out. I've been there, some days I'm still there but my brothers and sharing my pain with them have helped me. expressing myself has given me fewer dark days." Yoongi's words wash over me soothing me as I listen to him. The pain in my chest became less heavy and my breathing started getting steady.
"I'm not ready to tell you everything Yoongi. I don't know if I ever will be, but I want to try. I need to let it out..." my breath hitches as he reaches his hand out to me patting my knee.
"I'm here to listen to whatever you're willing to share. I will be here for you the way my brothers are for me. Learning to express yourself and face your demons will leave you open to finding happiness... your passion." He gives my knee a quick squeeze and turns around changing the song to something I haven't heard before.
"This helps me too. I still find it hard to express myself out loud to others, but music allows me to let my feelings out. I was hoping you'd like to give it a try?" Yoongi gives me a questioning look and motions me to come closer.
We spend the next few hours in his studio. He shows me how to work the different programs to make beats. He shows me some of his songs he has yet to put words to but the music... it breaks your heart you can feel his loneliness, his anguish all of it. I can feel the connection with Yoongi. It's something about his calm nonchalant demeanor that draws me in. I study his small round-shaped face, thick low-set brows that have a very small arch almost looking completely straight, his eyes that taper at the corners, his lips not exactly big or small, there just enough. He doesn't have that conventional attractiveness but his charm is present.
"You know what you remind me of Yoongi?" I ask with a tilt of my head
"Hmm?" he hums in response.
"You remind me of a cat!" I say with a little chuckle, now nervous that he might be offended.
"I guess..." he laughs with a shy smile looking down.
"Well I should go I'll see you next week Lil Meow Meow."I don't know what possessed me but I quickly leaned over and kissed his cheek. I feel my face burning up and I'm sure I'm a bright red. I quickly grab my things rushing out of the room.
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Oh gosh, My Little Coconuts I really hope you liked this chapter.
This was a harder chapter for me. Mental health is so very important. If anyone ever needs to talk please feel free to send me a message I'm a great listener.
I LOVE YOU ALL STAY SAFE!!