"My friends, this is Ulquiorra. I've adopted him as a potential future husband or brother or best friend for one of my baby girls," I introduced Ulquiorra to Starrk and Lilynette. "Don't worry, I've placed a barrier of my reiatsu around him so he won't get sick being near you two."
Starrk and Lilynette stared at Ulquiorra who stared back.
"Do you know how to play chess?" Starrk asked him.
Ulquiorra shook his head.
"Have you ever heard of a video game?" Lilynette asked him.
Ulquiorra shook his head.
Starrk and Lilynette were positively scandalized by Ulquiorra's lack of information. They proceeded to hug him.
"There, there," Lilynette consoled him. "We'll take care of you."
Starrk patted his head. "Everything is going to be okay now."
Ulquiorra turned his head to look at me, his expression unreadable due to his mask.
"Welcome home sweetie," I said with a smile. "I'll bring more baked goodies next weekend when I renew the barrier on you."
(◕▾◕✿)
Now a thousand years prior to the start of the story in 2005, Yhwach—the bastard of the Soul King—made a country of Quincy in a pocket dimension known as Schatten Bereich which was inside Soul Society.
One might wonder why exactly I hadn't gone to that kingdom and conquered it to put a stop the whole Yhwach bullshit right away.
That would be because the Soul King thought that would be too boring. Yeah, I could, but he didn't want me to. I wasn't allowed anywhere near that kingdom. It forced me to wait on the outskirts to try and grab the people out of there, but I only had a couple of hours every week to do so.
Basically, I was shiny hunting with a mod that randomly generated a Pokémon once a week, every week. Odds were stacked against me. My best chance would have been on the raid five hundred years ago, but the timing was not in my favor. The Soul King was such a dick.
I only knew two Quincies I could grab so early, too! Just two! Just give me those two, damn it!
After over fifteen hundred years of trying desperately, I ended up having to do something I hated.
I went to the Soul King to... ugh... ask nicely.
"All right you little shit," I told the Soul King as I appeared his throne room. "You wanted me to change the story, I can't stop the war if I can't get a hold of the main people involved in it. So give me those people."
"No."
"Why?"
"The war should still happen," the Soul King said.
"You still wanna die until the next reset?" I shrewdly asked him. "Your bastard son literally absorbs you. Sweet Arceus, please tell me you don't view that as father/son bonding."
It didn't react. No matter what insults I threw at it, the godly being would remain unfazed.
"You cannot be allowed to enter," it told me again.
"If I cannot go..." I trailed off in thought. "Can I send Shiori?"
It was silent for another minute.
"With nothing lethal," I added.
It responded slowly, "Shiori is acceptable. An additional barrier will be set up around Yhwach, so you and your summons cannot get near."
"I'll take it! Woo-hoo! So, while I'm here how about giving my demon buddies some zanpa—"
It kicked me out.
(◕▾◕✿)
The story of Yhwach and the Quincy Arc wasn't as well known to some as the Sōsuke Aizen one.
Yhwach was the illegitimate child of the Soul King and a proper bastard. He was the father of the Quincy and had a vendetta against the Shinigamis and the Soul King. Basically, daddy issues out the wazzoo.
Oh, sure, he'll tell his followers he's all about peace and love and oh nooo I'm not a racist at all and blah blah blah but he's the one who started the fight with Genryūsai and invaded the Soul Society not once but twice. His actions betray his true intentions, and his words nothing but lies. He's arrogant to annoying point, and his powers are irritating. There was nothing fun about fighting him because it boiled down to a childish, your powers don't work on me because I said soooo.
The second invasion on Soul Society wouldn't happen for a few more centuries, but the point still stood. He killed the Quincies if he considered them "impure," and touted godhood faster than someone sneezing when tickled by feather. He wasn't a god.
Gods did not need to actively shape the universe they were in. The universes were shaped around the god by their mere presence.
But a whiny child did not understand that. As soon as he got enough power he lost himself in his ego like a boring, childish, brat. There was no way to redeem him without literally changing his biology due to how he was born. He was beyond salvation, and so he could only ever stay an annoyance.
A gnat.
He was a hypocrite. A delusional, daddy-issues, hypocrite.
For the moment he was sealed away and would be out of the picture for another few centuries. He'd return, kill Ichigo's mom and any other Quincies who were "impure" for him like the genocidal racist he was. After that he'd work on rebuilding his strength to become the new "god" of his world and blah blah blah.
Bastard killed a lot of my favorites and wasn't even as handsome as Sōsuke to get away with it. He'd get no mercy.
Next time he stepped out of his stupid little dimension I was gonna kick his booty up and down until he cried for his daddy. No. I was going to kick his booty so hard his vertebrae popped out his mouth like a goddamn pez dispenser.
In all my lives there was only one type of opposition that instantly triggered utter hatred: boredom.
I hated boring, dull, predictable villains. I could deal with vile acts of evil, or righteous delusional heroes. It was the whiny little shits who got a little bit of power and got so full of themselves they went on a rampage. And instead of being fun to fight they had irritating powers, or they were just overall dull.
There was nothing interesting about Yhwach's personality or motives. He was only an obstacle.
A boring, repeat of a villain that paled in comparison to the original.
While I strongly disliked Yhwach I didn't hate his subordinates. Some of them were decent fellas, just too blindly loyal. Loyalty was good, don't get me wrong, but if it's loyalty to a genocidal racist prooobably not.
Ideally I'd kidnap the targets and raise them myself. Clearly the Soul King didn't want that. It wanted a whole thing. It wanted the drama, the action, the betrayal. It thirsted for the tea.
And I was gonna give it the hottest pot available. I might have had a little bit of a set back, but thankfully I had Time's Blessing.
Here's the thing with Time's Blessing.
I could not place myself in the same period of time without causing a great risk, and enduring a painful penalty (I would start to disintegrate until I left that period). Once I had lived through that time in that particular dimension I could not do so again.
That was why I did not immediately jump to the start of the story. I needed to lay down the foundation, or risk having to constantly go back in time and incur the penalty of running into another version of myself.
That meant I could only live through the same moment once in Soul Society, Hueco Mundo, Soul Palace, the physical realm, and... Schattan Bereich.
I could not physically visit the Quincy dimension, but thankfully Shiori now could. And I could send her back to when the two possible converts were children, and hopefully, catch more as the time period went on. I had no idea when the rest of the alphabet babies were going to be born.
It was clear that the Soul King still wanted that huge climactic fight between the captains and Quincies, but perhaps it'd be okay if I included some Quincies v Quincies.
The first two—and maybe only two if I was unlucky—I knew were born prior to the show were: Bazzard Black otherwise known as Bazz-B and Jugram Haschwaith.
Jugram was a precious baby boy with a bad family, and a lack of esteem very similar to another popular waifu from the Narutoverse.
Bazz-B was a reckless, arrogant, sarcastic good boy that would probably be a lot of fun to take along to go drunk raiding.
I had no idea where in their special Quincy pocket dimension they were born, or when, just an approximation of two hundred years prior to when Yhwach attacked Soul Society.
"Shiori," I called out to my dear friend as I returned home from visiting the Soul Palace. "My dear, would you care to join me in a hunt?"
~How may I assist?~ Shiori asked, fluttering into existence and landing delicately on my finger.
"The Soul King granted you permission to go to Schattan Bereich, the off set dimension it created in the Soul Society to prevent me from interacting with his bastard son too soon. I need you to find two boys."
~Shall I be your messenger for them?~
"Writing letters will make it too hard to form a connection. I cannot go there in person, so instead why not make illusion?"
Shiori's wings fluttered, a subtle gesture of amusement. ~How cunning, my summoner.~
"Aren't I always?" I giggled.
~You certainly have your moments.~
I laughed. "I love you, Shiori."
~I love you, too.~
(◕▾◕✿)
"Teacher!" cheerfully called Shunsui Kyōraku as he opened the door to my office later that evening. He had a silly grin on his face as he said, "You should make us dinner tonight. I found someone who looks like the fella you said was going to be your future husband."
I immediately turned around in surprise, not expecting that person to be reborn yet. I also needed to remind Shunsui that future husband was not accurate. I knew he kept calling my future companion that to nettle me, so I tried not to correct it but I knew from experience if he was telling others in public that it would create misunderstandings. Not the fun kind for me, either, but the headache-inducing kind.
Tragically, it was not my precious company that I missed crazy bunches, but some random fella so I was momentarily disappointed.
I made it a point to not bother meeting most soldiers until they became a captain. I mean, if I ran into them I ran into them, but I sure as shit wasn't going to waste space in my memory to learn their name. My students stopped trying to force me to remember in exchange for preventing Kura from making it rain fire out of boredom.
They really only had themselves to blame. If you got a fire fox demon drunk, gotta expect it to rain hellfire at least once in the night.
Shunsui pulled in a tall man with ruffled pale blond hair, pale complexion, and an overall nervous appearance.
I leaned back from my desk, raising an eyebrow as I waited for Kyōraku to introduce us. The blond man was familiar enough I didn't outright throw him out of my office.
Shunsui Kyōraku, sensing I was in a good mood, shoved the blonde man further inside. "This is Kisuke Urahara. Urahara, this is Rirī who is also captain of the 5th division."
'Kisuke Urahara. Okay, not fodder.'
I looked him up and down.
'Wait, isn't his childhood friend one of the sexiest ladies in Bleachverse? What was her name—ah! Yoruichi.'
Judging by Kisuke's clothes he had graduated from the academy and was a soldier. That meant Yoruichi was at play too.
'Few more centuries until Sōsuke takes up his role. Finally feel like we're getting somewhere.'
"You're cute," I told Kisuke with an easy smile. "I'll make dinner for you if you bring Yoruichi."
"Y-You know her?" Kisuke was surprised, his gray eyes sparkling with curiosity. He was a scientist by heart. He had been placed in the 12th division where he would eventually become a captain. He was manipulative by nature, displaying a soft and easy nature on the surface but underneath was something much colder.
A scientist by heart, indeed. He wouldn't bat an eye at a live dissection of anything that caught his eye, regardless of morality.
It would have been fun if he was a villain. A shame he lacked the ambition.
"Nope. Tonight will be the first time we meet. You, her, and—" I remembered they had a third childhood friend. "—one other guest can start joining us for dinner every Thursday night."
"Woo-hoo! That's more people which means you'll make more food, right, Teacher? Enough for thirds?"
"Fine," I said with a roll of my eyes as Shunsui did a little happy dance. "Brat."
"Um—by what do you mean you and Kyōraku?" Kisuke asked.
"Shu, Gen-Gen, Ju," I ticked off with my fingers. "And me, obviously."
"Who—?"
"You'll meet everyone at dinner," Shunsui said dismissively. "It'll be great."
Kisuke nervously smiled. It was such a convincing air of anxiety I almost believed him, but it was too perfect to be real. Cunning little stinker. Shunsui shooed him off, saying he'd be behind him after he talked to me.
"Did I get it right? Is that the old soul you know?" Shunsui eagerly asked me.
"Nope. Still got almost a thousand years."
"Jeeze, Teacher. How can you stand to wait that long?"
"He waited for me as a demon queen for ten thousand years, I can wait a couple," I said with a lazy shrug.
"Tell me that story, please."
"Another time, love."
(◕▾◕✿)
Kisuke, Yoruichi, and Tessai were quite surprised to find that they were attending dinner with Genryūsai. Yoruichi was able to relax far sooner than the other boys, easily joining in on the friendly banter.
Yoruichi Shihōin was, undeniably, gorgeous. Her dark skin was smooth as glass, and her eyes were like lamp posts at night. Her appearance wasn't the only thing lovely about her. Her sharp wit and easy-going attitude made her endearing. It was easy to see why so many people were taken by her.
Thanks to her, dinner was a smashing success. Not that we normally had issue—Genryūsai and Shunsui were extroverts and had an easy time keeping the conversation going—but Yoruichi's addition to our discussion made it much more enjoyable. She had a way of knowing exactly what to say to make people laugh. Kisuke was as quiet as Jūshiro, feigning nerves, while Tessai seemed genuinely happy to listen rather than contribute.
They all ate up what I made, everyone taking seconds and several taking thirds.
"I like you," I told her with a smile as I and Jūshiro started to clean up. "You should come by again."
"If you're making food like this I could hardly refuse," Yoruichi easily returned, her voice low and smooth.
"As it so happens I serve breakfast every day at eight hundred sharp. I'll make sure there's enough for two now," I teased.
"Tempting—"
"What? You've never made us breakfast every day," Shunsui jokingly cried out, offended.
"You're not a beautiful lady."
Shunsui looked over at Yoruichi then nodded. "Okay, point."
Genryūsai cleared his throat. "Another wonderful dinner, Teacher."
"As if I would serve anything less."
Tessai was as easy going as Yoruichi as he easily interjected, "I may not be a beautiful lady, but I do love breakfast."
"Okay, that was smooth you can come too."
Shunsui looked betrayed. "The hell, Teacher!"
"Be more charismatic," I flippantly told him.
"I'm plenty charming," Shunsui protested. "Right, Jūshiro?"
Jūshiro Ukitake carefully tucked a pretty white strand of hair behind his ear as he pointedly looked away from Shunsui and refused to answer that question.
"Smart boy," I praised, patting his shoulder. "You can come too, Ju."
"This is what it feels like to be stabbed in the back by a brother," Shunsui sighed dramatically as he flopped back onto the floor from his seat. "I'm dying. I can't go on."
"Go die outside, I just cleaned."
"So cruel!"
(◕▾◕✿)
Starrk and Lilynette had rapidly grown fond of the near-mute Ulquiorra. He could speak, he just chose not to 99% of the time.
During one of my visits with them I was filling them on what was going on the Soul Society, showing them pictures of my students being cute or in embarrassing positions. My favorite was when Shunsui had collapsed on Jūshiro, drunk, and Jūshiro passed out shortly after so the two were drunk cuddling. I tried hanging it up but Jūshiro had a sixth sense for when I did so and always managed to destroy it.
Starrk put Ulquiorra in checkmate, who only stared at the pieces.
"You're getting better buddy," Starrk praised him, his tone oddly brotherly when addressing Ulquiorra. "A couple more decades."
Ulquiorra nodded.
"Here's the hot chocolate," Lilynette said, entering the living room with a tray of steaming hot chocolate that she handed out to everyone. She gave Ulquiorra a straw to sip his through so none of us had to witness... witness... his... mouth... thing.
"He settling in okay?" I asked the two from my seat on the couch.
"It's nice to have more company. He's useless with video games," Lilynette said with a roll of his eyes. "Likes to read more than anything, but he's still learning the languages."
"I'm glad he found something he enjoyed to do."
"What made you find him?" Stark asked.
"Oh, I needed to make sure he was gonna be all right for one of my baby girls."
The duo stared at me. Ulquiorra loudly slurped his hot chocolate.
"He's going to kidnap her, you see," I told the two of them cheerfully.
"Sure, okay," Starrk said, nonplussed by that information. "You want us... to... teach him how to kidnap properly?"
"Nah, just be friends. Have fun, enjoy your life."
"I'll enjoy it better if you swear not to play bard again," Lilynette said sweetly.
"You'll have to get me super drunk for that and regrettably I cannot get drunk," I snickered.
"We can try," Lilynette insisted.
"How about I just play DM next game?"
"And deal with your completely unfair and insane quests? No thank you."
"Stinker."
(◕▾◕✿)
Tbh, the Yhwach arc is convoluted and I hate the plot holes it introduces and shit it leaves hanging. But damn it do I love some of the fights. Really hope we can see them animated one day.
For those wondering what timeline Lilly / Rirī is using:
Bleach story starts in the year 2005.
Ages of people at 2005:
Ichigo - 15
Orihime - 15
Chad - 15
Uryuyu - 15
Toshiro - 120+
Rukia - 150+
Renji - 180+
Momo - 180+
Izuru - 180+
Rangiku - 230+
Gin - 230+
Sōsuke - 250+
Kaname - 250+
Sajin - 250+
Byakuya - 300+
Kisuke - 500+
Yoruichi - 500+
Tessai - 500+
Bazz-B - 1200+
Jugram - 1200+
Jūshiro - 1300+
Shinsui - 1300+
Unohana - 2100+
Genryūsai - 2100+
Rirī (Lilly) - ???
Double update~ Because I love you~