Mitski - Happy
And if you're going, take the moon
Then maybe I will see you,
in the night I'll see you
And when you go, take this heart
I'll make no more use of it
when there's no more you
Suiren plugs out her earphones and she sets it aside before speaking. Osamu, both curious and nervous, waits for her to break the silence.
"Why did you never visit me?" Suiren questions him in a pained tone. Osamu's eyes widen upon hearing the ridiculous question and he quickly approaches her, ready to argue.
"What do you mean? I kept coming here everyday and they wouldn't let me," he explains.
"Huh?"
"The nurse said your family prohibited visitors," Osamu adds.
"Mom did? Why would Mom do that?"
"I don't know."
"You're saying Mom did that?"
"I, I don't know, Chuunchun."
"I thought you ghosted me," Suiren admits. With Osamu's sudden appearance, she feels her tears piling up. It isn't anger this time, it's her neediness.
"I would never!" Osamu defends and walks closer to her.
"Really?" she confirms.
"Uhuh, really," he reassured. As he gets closer, he notices her glassy eyes and the way she tries to hold back her tears.
"Chuunchun? Are you okay? I'm here now, I'm sorry I couldn't visit," he says, panicking that he's the reason why she's on the verge of crying. She isn't even an emotional person to begin with.
"Hey, now, wait, don't cry, I'm sorry, Chuunchun," he blurts out as a tear run down her cheek.
"I missed you," she admits and raises her arms to her sides, signalling her need for his warmth and embrace.
"O-Oh, I missed you too, I really did," he says, sitting on the side of her bed and leaning towards her for a hug.
"Samu, Samu," she calls as she rests her head on his shoulder. The hug just makes her sob even more.
"Yes, Chuunchun?"
"I won't make it," she tells him in between her sobs.
"Wha- What?!" he exclaims, breaking the hug and holding both her shoulders to face her directly.
"What?!" he repeats.
"I can't run in the Nationals. It's my last year too, I, I won't be scouted at this rate," she says before wiping her tears with the sleeve of her top.
"Oh," he mouths, visibly shocked.
"I don't know what to do anymore," she cries out, "I can never be anything else but be a runner."
"Chuunchun," is all he could say. Osamu isn't the best with words and comfort and he knows that well too; but now, he really wished he could say something else other than just her name.
"I'm so scared, 'Samu. If the surgery doesn't go well, I might spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair," her cries and sobs spill endlessly, without a clue on how much it breaks him too.
"Surgery? You need surgery?" he clarifies and she quickly answers with a nod. "Tomorrow."
Not knowing what to say, or if there are even words that could alleviate her pain, he pulls her closer to his chest, embracing her again.
"What if I can't run again? What if, what if that was my last run?"
"It'll get better, Chuunchun," he says, carding his fingers through locks of her hair.
"Samu?"
"Yes? Yes, Chuunchun?"
"What if I end up in a wheelchair forever?" she asks.
He couldn't answer.
"If that happens, promise me one thing," she says.
"That I'll still stay? Of cou-"
"That you'll find someone better."
"What? No, no, no, why? You mean, you want to break up?"
"Mhmm," she confirms.
"Why?"
"If you stay with me, it'll be a life of burden."
He's out of words to say.
"Promise me that, okay?"
With a heavy heart, later on, Osamu takes his leave. Why did she have to decide if he wants to take a "life of burden" or not? Why is it her who gets to choose for him? Why should he let her ability to walk and run decide if they stay together or not?
But most importantly, why couldn't he speak up? Osamu himself doesn't know.
"Take care on your way home, 'Samu," Suiren says as he exits the room.
"See you," he mutters. It doesn't matter if she heard it or not anymore. What's the point?
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"ARE YOU NERVOUS, MISS?" one of the doctors ask as she looks up at the ceiling of the operating room.
She shakes her head in response, masking how terrified she really is.
"Now, can you turn to your side? We'll be injecting the anaesthesia on your back, so you need to curl for a bit too," they instruct. She does as she's told despite her hands shaking in fear.
"Calm down, alright? It's just an injection," another one says.
Yet it makes her shiver even more. She feels the sharp needle piercing through her back and she clenches her fist.
"Okay, you can lie down on your back again."
Shortly after a few more seconds of staring at the ceiling, she could no longer feel anything on her lower body. She tries moving her toes, knees and thighs but it's all futile. It's almost as if she lost control of her body.
"I want to run again," she tells herself before closing her eyes.
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Tsutsui Suiren. I'm not exactly
religious but today, I prayed to
god that your surgery and
recovery go well.
I want to see you run in the
field again; I know it's where
you belong just by looking at
your smile as you dash through
the grass.
No matter what happens,
no matter what the future
holds, I will always be here
for you.
I love you, fox lady.