One month later...
Harry's POV.
I gulped down my third cup of coffee just this morning and felt the warm liquid run down my dry throat and drop down into my empty stomach. I drew a deep breath out of my lungs and ran my hands over my face, feeling completely awful.
Agony.
Excruciating agony.
There were no other words to describe what I felt other than that. Agony. No other words could do justice to what I felt. It was with one last shocked, heartbroken look she gave me and muttered the words that drove a white-hot spear straight through my heart.
"I can't fix you, you love the darkness too much."
She meant to hurt me, to dig at any shred of empathy despite my attempt to hide it behind my cold exterior, and she had succeeded. I was a stranger to her, my harsh words and my cold actions doing exactly what I intended to do- to drive her away.
Now, a week later, I was unable to move, unable to eat, unable to think, unable to breathe. The only thing I could do was feel- feel the agonizing beating of my dull heart and ache in the pit of my chest.
She's the only woman I have ever loved, and now she was gone.
Out of all of the things I have done my whole life, that was without a doubt one of the hardest things I have ever done. Letting Ariana go was probably the worst decision I have ever made. Even thinking of her name sent a dagger straight through the ripped flesh of my broken heart.
It was not just that I missed her. It was that the woman I have fallen in love with, ripped my heart into shreds and chewed me up then spit me out as she left me to deal with myself. It was like the world has us separated by a glass wall. She was on the side I'd long to be, surrounded by the people who bring joy into her life. And I was on the opposite side, watching the show and letting the image rip me into shreds.
A harsh sigh ripped through my lungs, so forceful my throat burned as I deeply exhaled; my hand automatically rising to run through my unruly hair. I felt it. I felt my stomach violently churn in my abdomen as images of Ariana laying on the couch beside me flashed through my mind. The image of us decorating the Christmas tree I have yet to take down, flashes through my mind as I glance at the small tree placed in the corner of the room. Images of her small body on my lap as she slowly kissed the expanse of my neck and whispered small things into my ear that made me feel wanted.
I set down the mug on the coffee table and sat on the edge of the sofa. My elbows rested on my knees and my head rested on the palms of my hands as a deep breath ripped from my lungs. My wrecked flesh of a heart seemed to slump down even deeper into the pit of my chest as the memories of Ariana came back to me, her image alone sending me into deep darkness.
*Flashback*
"What's wrong?" Her sweet voice filled my ears and ripped me out of my deep thoughts.
"What?"
"Something's wrong..." Her white nails tapped against the wooden table as she stared at me, her head resting in the palm of her hand.
"Nothing's wrong." I lied, rolling my eyes for no reason when I was not in the slightest annoyed with her.
She was simply trying to help me but being the selfish bastard I am, I shut her out and pushed my problems away.
"You're lying," She called me out and studied my face for any sign of self judgement.
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are." She argued further.
"How do you know?" I asked, a deep breath drawing out of my lungs.
"I know when you're upset, Harry. What is bothering you?" She lowered her eyes as if she could see right through me.
"It's just," I ran my hands over my face, the dull ache throughout my body never fading. This is how it was, day by day I went on feeling terrible about myself and I was stuck in this some sort of trance with nothing but darkness. But somehow, Ariana was always the light at the very end of the darkness that clouded my mind. "I don't want to talk about it." I sighed and didn't meet her eyes.
I watched her as she set her phone aside and stood from the chair, pushing it back in before walking towards me and wrapping her arms around my neck before sitting on my lap.
"Remember that this," She slowly trailed her fingers over my chest as applied light pressure to my heart, "this feeling doesn't define you as a person. It's a part of your struggle, not you." This is exactly what I needed nowadays: help, support. And I was so damn thankful that this woman gave me all of the support I needed.
The smallest grin played on my lips at her constant show of support and I couldn't help but pull her tightly to my chest. My arms wrapped around the small of her back as I nuzzled my face into the crook of her neck, the feeling of her arms wrapping tighter around my neck sends a familiar warmth to my empty heart and all throughout my body.
My heart seemed to skip a beat as I felt her small fingers lift my chin up and press our foreheads together. "You're incredible, Harry, don't forget that." She whispered before leaning down to connect her soft lips with mine.
I could literally feel all the love radiate from my heart as we slowly began moving our lips so slowly. I loved everything about this moment, the way that the slow kiss seemed to replace all of my loneliness and emptiness inside me with pure love and passion. Her lips moved and fit so perfectly around mine it felt as if I could pass out any moment from all of the emotion laced with one simple kiss.
There were no words to describe this unforgettable moment, but only one word; perfect.
A deep sigh pushed past my lips as I tried to block out the memories, but they stayed engraved into my thoughts. I would give anything to tell her that I love her. Ariana changed me. She made me feel things that were so natural: happiness, joy, trust, love. But now that she was gone I was back to where I started: alone, cold, empty.
She'd let me feel like a human being, embracing my weaknesses and showing me that my weakness was only natural. She had been everything I have ever needed bundled up into one incredibly beautiful person: Ariana.
My throat felt tight and dry, as if it were to crack at any moment now. No matter how many cups of tea I drank, the flaming feeling in my throat never stopped. I could feel myself crumbling to pieces, yet I gave no effort to stop it.
A sudden knock at my door broke me from my inner dark thoughts. Instead of dragging myself over to open the door, I stayed hunched over and my palms digging deeper into my eye sockets as the knocking continued.
"Go away." I murmured, not caring who was on the other side of the door.
"Harry, open the door."
Niall.
"Go away, Niall."
"I just want to talk to you, come on!" Niall banged harder on the door, the door knob rattling with it.
"No. Go away, Niall-" I begin but before I could continue, the door opens and shuts with a loud bang.
"Hey man, whats up?" Niall says, not taking notice of anything that has happened yet. "Wow, what the hell happened to you? You look like shit."
"Gee, thanks." My voice was croaky, as if I haven't spoke in years. "What do you want?"
"Well who pissed in your coffee?" Niall remarked, obviously annoyed with my attitude. I rolled my eyes as another deep sigh pushed past my lips. "I just wanted to hang out with you- wait," Niall paused, looking around the room.
"Where's Ariana?"
My chest psychically caved at the sound of her name, the hole in my chest possibly bleeding from how painful the sound of it was. Slowly, I forced myself to sit up, my back resting against the sofa as my hands remained on my lap. Niall walked from the doorway to my side, slumping down onto the couch as he saw how upset I really was.
"She's gone."
"What?" Niall blinked in confusion, brows pulling together as he stared at me. "What do you mean 'she's gone'?"
"I mean, she left. She left me, she's with the people who make her happy. She's fucking gone, Niall."
Every time I said it, it seemed even more real, digging deeper and deeper into my pain.
"But... what... how?"
"I fucked up." I admitted and rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands.
"Why? How?"
"I blamed her, I made her lose all trust in me, I made her believe that she was hurting me this whole time but I was the only one hurting myself, I am such an asshole."
"Wow," Niall ran his hand over his face in disbelief. "You selfless bastard. How did you manage to let her go?"
"It hurts so fucking much, Niall."
My chest seemed to contract as I spoke the vulnerable words and tried to breathe normally but miserably failed. Just speaking about it made me tear into pieces. Niall stayed silent as he mulled the situation over and over in his head. My heart beat dully in my chest, the damage of it making my heart ache even more.
"You love her, don't you?" Niall asked, the question sounding more like a statement.
I drew a shuddering, shaky breath between my lips and nodded as I hunched back over to dig my eyes into the palms of my hands.
"Just... wow. I'm sorry, mate." Niall shook his head in disbelief before I felt his hand pat over my shoulder. "Have you told her you love her?"
My heart tightens at the thought. I would give anything to tell Ariana that I am in love with her, so fucking in love with her.
"No," I lifted myself from my previous position and pressed by back against the sofa, my hands landing against my lap. "Of course not."
"If you love her, why don't you just tell her already?"
"Because she hates me. And she doesn't even feel the same way." I spoke, my voice cracking in mid-sentence.
"How do you know? Has she told you she hates you? Or are you just telling yourself that because you're arguing with her?" Niall raises a brow, his arms slowly crossing over his chest as he tries getting his point across.
"I mean it, Niall. She hates me. She's gone. She is never coming back."
"Harry, she fucking loves you. She loves you, Harry." He repeats, his voice stern. "Open your eyes already! It's so obvious that she loves you as much as you love her. I mean, she trust you, she's with you all the time, just by the way she fucking looks at you is so obvious that she is truly in love with you. Open your eyes, stop thinking the world is such a terrible place and focus on her, the person who brings you so much joy when you least deserve it. The person who brings color into your plain black and white world, the person who cares about you, the person who trust you! Now, I don't know why the hell you guys were fighting but I am sure that if she loves you enough, she will come back to you no matter what it takes. And if you love her enough, you will get your ass off this damn sofa and go back to her even if she wants absolutely nothing to do with you!"
His words snap reality back into me in a whiplash, but sadness and loneliness filling me right after. She is never coming back to me. What I did was terrible. I used her for support when I needed it the most, and in the end I ended up chewing her up and spitting her out.
I only shook my head and wiped the forming tears around the corners of my eyes with my shirt. Niall's hand slapped against my back twice before falling back to his side, he flashed me a sympathetic grin before sitting on the edge of the sofa.
"Sorry, mate, you don't deserve to be this crushed." I felt Niall's strong arms wrap around my back as he pulled me into a manly embrace, nothing long and sweet but short and simple as he pat on my back twice before pulling away.
"Yeah," I ran my hand over my hair, pushing my messy hair out of my forehead.
"If you need anything let me know, don't suffer through this like you always do." Niall muttered, standing to his feet as he stood above me.
"Thanks." I flatly said. It was as if I was drained. As if all the emotion and life was slowly drained out of me as the days went on and on.
He cast a saddened look towards me one last time before slipping out of the door, muttering a quick 'bye' before shutting it. Once again, I was left alone to deal with my true loneliness and demolishing agony.
I tasted an awfully sour taste in my mouth followed by deep rumbles from my stomach. I tightly clutched onto my stomach as I stood, my feet carrying me to the restroom within seconds. My body hunched over the toilet as my hands harshly griped the toilet seat. The foul taste in my mouth never faded in the slightest as my body disposed the very little food I have been eating, my eyes shut tightly as by body shook terribly.
After what felt like hours of being hunched over the toilet, the ache in my stomach faded as I sat on the edge of the bathtub, my mind replaying the images of Ariana and I taking a shower together for the very first time in our lives. My shaky hand rose to wipe the excess vomit from my mouth, but is quickly washed away from the streaming water of the bathtub I switched on to wipe my face. I shut off the water, the only noise to be heard is my loud thoughts as I was left to deal with my dark thoughts.
I was left to deal with the ache in my chest I would have to get used to, because this is how my life normally was, and my loud thoughts. Loud thoughts although nothing but silence was heard. Loud. So very loud.
-
please read...
it would mean the world to me if you all would please read my great friend, mads, story on wattpad. her user is hellanarry and her story is amazing. it is called neurotic and you won't regret reading it because it is very interesting :-) it would mean the world to both of us if you left her a quick comment or a vote or some feedback about her awesome story because it is truly amazing. you won't regret it!!
second of all...
I have no idea since my last update was but if I haven't updated in the last four days, I am so sorry and I hope you understand that sometimes we all just get so busy 💘
btw if you think some of this chapter didn't make sense you'll find out soon ;)
anyways this chapter was so sad I was sobbing while writing it because pOOR HARRY I can't even imagine how ariana is feeling without harry 😈
thank you for your endless support and love with this story it means the world to me and thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it :)
love u all I hope you have an amazing week, don't let anyone ruin it for you 💘