*Possible trigger warning, mention of suicide*
The next few days were filled with more questions than answers.
Why is Cas working with Crowley? Why can't I tell the boys? How come I was so stupid to NOT pay attention to what they were talking about?
"Ugh" you groan out, moving off of the bed liqueur still in hand. You walk into the motel bathroom and stare at yourself in the mirror. Your f/c tank top reveals many scars covering your upper arms and shoulders. They are just a taste of the others you have covering the rest of you. You look at yourself lost in thought. "Something doesn't feel right about this" you mutter under your breath.
You close your eyes as you proceed to take another sip, letting the smooth burning sensation fill your throat. You let out an audible sigh as your eyes flutter back open. You turn your attention back to the mirror as you notice a figure behind you.
You flip around taking a fighting stance, but realize it is only Cas.
"Geez, stop doing that" you say, glaring at the angel.
"My apologise y/n" He says moving out of the doorway to let you walk past. You feel his eyes on you as you go back to the mini bar and to fill up your glass again. "Any updates on reconnecting with the Winchesters?"
You let out a huff turning around to glare at him once again. "I am working on it" you sigh, deciding to sit down on the couch.
You watch as Cas hesitantly makes his way over to the side of the couch and you nod your approval as he sits next to you.
"y/n I am only doing this to stop the war in heaven." he states. "This is for the greater good.."
You cut him off. "Cas. Whatever ass-brained idea you have come up with. It can't be good"
You both sit there as he stares at you, you take another sip of your drink.
"Then why are you working for him?" he asks, looking deep into your eyes.
You sit in silence for a minute while you think through his question. Thousands of answers come to mind that you could give him, but you decide to be honest.
You run your hand through your hair as you turn to look at him "I don't really know." you start. "I have been doing this for a long time, and I don't even know anymore." You chuckle a little realizing how stupid you sound. You don't know whether the alcohol is getting to you or if you are just needing to talk, but you open up completely to him anyways. "Have you ever had something inside you telling you that you are not really you?"
"Do you hear these voices often y/n?" he asks completely concerned.
"No its not like that" you say, sighing . "I don't want to be me Cas. Hell I don't want to even be alive, but I am and I continue to keep going. Its like there is something inside consuming me, the real me, and the only way for me to retain myself is feeding it. Doing chores for Crowley feeds it." you end, getting a little bit upset by how pathetic you sound.
Cas just nods. "Your demon" he states.
You nod in agreement. "I know what I am doing is wrong, but lately I haven't even had time to care. But hear me out. I have been working with Crowley since I was 13 and I know one thing for sure, whatever you and Crowley have cooking up... It's not good"
Cas stares at you, a pain his eyes you hadn't noticed before.
"Have you collected the items?" He asks, completely changing the subject.
"I have my feelers out for them" You say setting the glass down. "Don't worry it won't be long. What is this for anyways?"
He ignores your question "I have sent the boys back in time to collect phoenix ashes which should theoretically kill Eve".
"What?" you ask unsure you heard him correctly.
"I need to go" he says standing up.
"Wait" you say grabbing his sleeve. "Are they alright?"
Your mind immediately runs back to Dean. Memories of obnoxious singing to Bob Seger, the way his eyes would light up at the slightest mention of any type of food, the victory hugs after a successful hunt, and the innocent forehead kisses he would give you before bed. Oh did you miss him, but you knew he didn't feel the same.
"They will be fine. You just focus on getting those ingredients and find a way to mingle back into the boys lives"
And with a quick flutter he was gone.
You decided to research more on your laptop about what type of spell Cas might be concocting. You decided to get comfy snuggling up on the couch and turning on the TV for some background noise. Finally after a couple hours you get up to stretch and grab your favorite snack out of the fridge. As you open it you suddenly hear a flap of wings and a huge crash. You turn around and see the bedside table knocked over, and Cas bleeding everywhere.
"What the hell Cas?" you ask rushing over to him. You help him off the floor and set him on the bed. "What happened?"
"Rachel" was all he coughed out. You turned to go grab the medical kit you kept in your bag, but he grabs your wrist. "No time. We need to go to Bobbys"
"What are you crazy?" you yell at him. "Your not going to make the trip to Bobby's in the condition you are in!"
"Y/n I need to conserve my strength to retrieve Sam and Dean. I need you to take me to Bobby's" he repeats. You realize he is not going to listen to any argument you may have against him. You nod your consent, helping him stand up with one arm around your shoulders.
You close your eyes, and zap yourselves to Bobby's living room and suddenly you feel the weight of Cas on your shoulders getting heavier. "Cas?" you say trying to catch the fainted angel.
"Cas? What the Hell is going on?!" you hear a familiar voice call from behind you. You turn around to see Bobby for the first time in over a year. He looked older, sadder, and more stressed than usual. You were glad to see that Crowley had indeed given his legs back to him, and that his soul was still in one piece. "I need help" you say, tearing up as you watch Bobby.
Bobby looked completely stunned, but quickly got to work moving Cas onto the couch while you cut your hand to draw sigils on the walls around the house.
Once you felt like you were somewhat situated you let out a breath and turned around to see Bobby wide-eyed staring at you. You both stand in silence. You watch his eyes glass up as he walks towards you. "Come here ya idjet" he nearly whispers engulfing you in a hug.
It is only then you realized the mistake you made leaving. Yes, you were dangerous. Yes people were looking for you. But Bobby kept you grounded. He was your family. How could you have just let him go? Tears start flooding down your face as you tighten your arms around him. He just stands there letting you cry into his shoulder, stroking you hair.
"I wasn't sure I would see you again kid" He says after a while, placing a light kiss on the top of your head.
"Me too" you state chuckling a little. You pull yourself off of him.
"What's with the finger painting?" he asks, looking at the cut on your hand. You chuckle "It's a warding symbol against angels and a couple against demons. I don't know what was after him so I figured this would at least help"
You both stand there for a minute, but realize that you still where in just and Tank Top and jeans. "Hey Bobby? Can I have a jacket?" You asked. You were always insecure about your scars. You always worried what people would think of them and they just in general gave you unpleasant memories.
"Of course" he says rushing out of the room.
You turn your attention to the angel on the couch, he had stopped bleeding, but was sound asleep. You bit your lip wondering if you should attempt waking him up or not. As if reading your mind Bobby replied from behind you.
"The boys won't be ready for pick up for a couple more hours, let him rest" He says.
You turn around to see Bobby holding a jacket in his left hand and a plate of food in his right.
"You know me so well" you state smiling and taking the items from him.
Setting your plate on the desk you quickly pull the leather Jacket over you. It was a little big but surprisingly didn't completely drown you. "It was Karens" he says sitting down at his desk watching you. You nod knowing how much he loved his wife. "Bobby I will make sure to return it" you state. He just gives you a wave of the hand to brush off your statement.
"No keep it" he says. "It suits you. Plus, she always wanted kids."
You nod not knowing what to say and take a seat. You glance back at Cas while taking a bit off our your plate.
"So Sam and Dean are back in time?" you ask, still unsure if you heard everything correctly.
"yep and due for pickup in about three hours"
You nod.
"And Cas needs to get them?" you turn back around to look at Bobby, assuming he nodded his head. "What if he can't? Whatever scuffle Cas got into must have taken some energy out of him"
"We will cross that bridge when we come to it. Now, what have you been up to over the last year?"
You freeze. Why did he have to ask that? You knew it was inevitable, but why now?
"Hunting" you state trying to get him off your back, and pushing a forkful of food into you mouth.
"uh huh" Bobby says. Of course he is not convinced, he can read me like an open book.
"what types of hunts?" He proceeds.
"I don't know, a little bit of everything I suppose" you say. It was true. You had been hunting, but you also had been doing a little bit of everything else.
"Y/n" Bobby says a little frustrated. "You can tell me kid"
You set down your now empty plate and stare at him. "Promise to just listen until I am done?"
He nods.
You lean forward in the chair to rest your arms against the desk.
"You know that urge I get whenever I am hunting when I just start enjoying the kill?"
Bobby watches you, with an expressionless face. Not talking just as he promised.
"Those urges. These feelings. They are getting stronger. More prevalent. Bobby, I had to leave because they are getting the best of me. My demon, it is starting to take over and there is nothing I can do about it" you say. You have a harsh tone, but not because you are angry, just because you are frustrated with yourself. With your entire situation.
"Bobby I couldn't deal with the guilt anymore. I had to leave here. Especially after I got Jo and Ellen killed" You start to tear up but continue on. Watching Bobbys expression change to one of sorrow.
"Before Ellen and Jo, I had been working with Crowley." you look down, not wanting to meet his eyes.
"I had been for a long time, ever since the incident.. you know? The one we don't talk about because you refused to believe I actually killed Dave and his family. Bobby, I drank my sorrows away. I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't stop myself. It's like I had this need to kill, this unnerving desire. I tried to hold it back, but when Dave took the werewolf out I knew I was in trouble. I tried to tell him I had to go, but he was too kind and invited me inside to meet his wife and kids.. and I did it. I killed them. All of them. It was like it wasn't even me, but also was. I was so confused and when I called you and you came by to see for yourself.. You wouldn't even look at me. I went to a bar and planned on killing myself that night, but something convinced me to turn to the last family I had, which was Crowley of all people. He offered me a deal to work with him to release these urges and I took it. I have been working with him ever since that night. I started by just collecting things, souls, artifacts, etc. and taking out my aggression on hunts, but once Jo and Ellen died it was like something flipped and I had to leave. I had to get away before I did something stupid to get the rest of you killed. I already have a target on my back which risks you all, but I, I couldn't risk doing something myself to get you killed.."
At this point you were in full on tears, still unable to look at Bobby. "Bobby I am sorry. I started torturing again, but I swear I didn't do anything more. I didn't slaughter or murder without reason. I know it was wrong I just.. can't control it. Not always."
You finish crying and turn your face up to finally look at Bobby.
Bobby was furious, and you could understand why. You were angry at yourself too. He was probably thinking the exact same thing you were. Why didn't I just kill myself?
Bobby stands up and grabs the bottle of liqure out of the cabnet. "Sit tight" he spits at you as he walks out of the room. It was then you knew that he was beyond anger and most likely going to go drink to oblivion.. Why did you tell him? Why couldn't you keep up the lies? Why couldn't you just keep your mouth shut? Why did you even come back?
After crying for a while, you finally pulled yourself together.
Its okay. I understand... Who could love a demon like me?